The Emperor's Bald Trauma
The emperor clutched at his chest in despair.
“Why the hell did you leave me?! I’m the emperor! The most powerful man in all humanity!! What the hell was so wrong with me?!”
But the empress, who had run off to live with a prince from a tiny kingdom, shouted back at the emperor who promised to forgive everything if she would just return.
“Even if you’re the emperor! Even if you cover yourself in money and power!! You can’t make hair grow back, can you?!”
“Is… is being bald a crime?! What am I supposed to do about my hair loss?! It started falling out when I was fifteen. Before I became an adult, I was completely bald and had to wear a wig. You’re leaving me over that? I just don’t have hair, that’s all!”
“I don’t care what the reason is, I hate bald men!”
In the end, the empress committed suicide with the thick-haired prince from the small nation and left the emperor’s side forever. What was so wrong with being bald? The emperor simply couldn’t understand it.
Yet the empress’s death left a massive trauma in his heart. He even ordered surveys sent to local officials across the land asking, What do you think of bald men? and conducted public opinion polls. When the response Not great as a husband hit 97%, his complex grew even worse. Shockingly, 36% even said they hated hair loss more than murderers.
Public Opinion Poll Results
— Bald Men as Husbands —
Negative: 97%
“Hate it more than murderers”: 36%
“Come in. You’re said to be the pinnacle of medical magic, correct?”
“Yes, Your Majesty… I am honored to receive such an evaluation.”
“I’ve also heard the nickname ‘God of Medicine.’”
“The fact that you summoned someone like me… does it mean something has happened to Your Majesty’s august body? Calling me to a deep underground chamber must mean this is a matter of utmost secrecy.”
He eventually summoned even the most famous mages across the Pangaea continent, threatening that anyone who spoke of this would have their entire family exterminated, all just to get hair-loss consultations. But no matter how skilled the mage, no matter how renowned the world’s greatest doctor, no matter how miraculous the saint who wielded holy power, and even the high-ranking officers of the Demon King’s army who possessed powers entirely different from humanity—every single one of them, people who had boasted that nothing was impossible for them, simply shook their heads in front of the emperor’s completely hairless scalp.
“It is unfortunate, but no magic existing on this continent—not even black magic—can make Your Majesty’s hair grow back. Even if you offered your very soul, it would be impossible.”
“From a medical standpoint, I must state that the possibility of your hair regrowing is 0%. Yes. Your Majesty’s pores are completely blocked.”
“Even the omnipotent gods… cannot do anything about hair loss.”
“Hey, Emperor. I even asked the Demon King herself, and she said there’s no answer for this. Not that it’s my place to say it, but… well, hang in there.”
This can’t be real. The incredible superhumans who could part the seas, fly through the sky, burn mountains, and call down lightning were powerless in front of hair loss?! Just what the hell was hair loss anyway?! Why couldn’t magic and science, no matter how advanced, solve something as trivial as baldness?!
Something that no amount of money could buy… Was it love? No. It was hair.
“Hehehe. I know a way to make Your Majesty’s hair grow back. Hehehe…”
“Ooh! Is that true?! If you truly make my hair lush again, I can even grant you the position of Guardian Duke!”
“Your Majesty.”
Eventually the emperor’s obsession moved beyond incompetent experts and into the realm of superstition. No matter how obviously suspicious the shamans or con artists were, as long as they claimed they could save his hair, he poured enormous sums of money into them and was naturally swindled repeatedly.
This time, when an emaciated old woman who looked like a dried-up old tree and clearly possessed no great ability spoke, the emperor fell for it completely. Guardian Duke Zero stepped forward to stop him.
“Please stop being deceived by them. This is surely another trick to fool Your Majesty.”
“Shut up, Zero! Aren’t you just afraid of losing your position as Guardian Duke?!”
“……….”
Zero quietly withdrew. The old woman who had introduced herself as a witch who knew ancient magic unknown to anyone else seemed slightly intimidated when the archmage Zero tried to interfere, but she quickly returned to the face of a seasoned expert and approached the emperor.
Her basket was full of old antiques… or rather, things that were generously called antiques but looked like random junk picked up from a dumpster. She pulled one of them out and spoke in a gloomy voice.
“Ehehehehe. Listen well, Your Majesty. If you tap your head with this and chant the incantation, your hair will become lush as if by magic.”
“Ooooooh!!! An incantation! That’s exactly what I wanted! Hurry! Hurry and tell me, hurry!!”
“However, that incantation is an ancient magic known only to me… I cannot teach it for free.”
“I’ll give you as much money as you want! The national budget… no! I have tribute collected from foreign nations! I’ll give you one million shillings!”
“One million…!! Even ten thousand shillings would have been enough…”
The old woman, who made a living by swindling naïve people and earned only about ten shillings a year, was so dazed by the unimaginable sum that she failed to notice Zero’s cold gaze fixed on her.
In the end, she taught the emperor the incantation in exchange for one million shillings, but on her way back with the money, she was killed by Zero and the entire sum was taken from her.
And the emperor…
“Grow, grow, hair hair!!”
…was tapping his scalp with the paddle brush he received from the con artist and chanting the ancient magic spell.
“Grow, grow, hair hair! Grow, grow, hair hair! Hmm! As expected of a lost ancient magic! I really feel like my hair is growing! Grow, grow, hair hair! Grow, grow, hair hair!! Ah! Zero! I ordered you not to enter while I’m chanting! This is a sacred ritual!”
“…Your Majesty. With all due respect, I know every archmage on the Pangaea continent, and when I asked them, none of them had ever heard of an incantation called ‘Grow, grow, hair hair.’”
“That’s why it’s a lost ancient spell, you fool. Stop interfering and get out.”
“……….”
“Ah! Before you go! You chant ‘Grow, grow, hair hair’ too!”
“…Why?”
“You disturbed the ritual, didn’t you? Anyone who disturbs the ritual will lose all their hair and go bald within thirty seconds if they don’t chant ‘Grow, grow, hair hair.’ The witch told me that too. Come on, hurry!”
“…………”
Zero, who possessed long hair that reached down to his waist, knelt beside the emperor and tapped his own head with the paddle brush.
“…Grow, grow, hair hair.”
“Hahaha! That’s it! Now your hair is safe too.”
“……….”
It was only months later that the emperor realized the incantation was nothing but a scam. Yet for some reason, he continued to secretly chant ‘Grow, grow, hair hair’ alone whenever no one was around for several years afterward.
“Hey, Zero… do you know what my dream is?”
“If it is Your Majesty’s dream, surely it is the peace of the empire.”
“No, that’s not it. My dream is… to regain my lush hair and stand proudly before Cynthia. Honestly, aren’t I quite handsome?”
“…….”
Zero did not answer.
“The only problem is my hair loss. If I fix just that, Cynthia will surely come to like me. Until then, never tell Cynthia that I’m bald. If this secret leaks, I will kill even you, the Guardian Duke.”
“I will keep it in mind.”
The emperor, who was unusually showing a boyishly pure face while pouring out his grand dream to his subject Zero, had that dream brutally shattered today.
“Puhahahahaha!!! Bald! He’s bald!! Dad was bald!!”
“…Pfft!”
“Hey, don’t laugh.”
“S-sorry. But the princess openly calling him bald is just too funny.”
“Still… isn’t it a bit pitiful to make fun of someone for being bald? It’s not like he chose to be bald.”
“Not necessarily. All he ever talks about is tribute money, tribute money… How greedy for money is the emperor? They say if you love free stuff too much, you go bald.”
That was the one thing the emperor hated hearing most.
“Who said that just now!!!!!!!”
Everyone froze at the emperor’s furious roar. Or rather, after seeing him with his wig off, it wasn’t nearly as frightening as before. A person’s image was truly a terrifying thing. Even though the emperor’s immense power remained unchanged, every single action he took now just looked ridiculous.
“My hair loss is genetic! What does liking free stuff have to do with baldness!!”
“..Pfft.”
“Who laughed just now! I’ll kill you!!”
“Kyahaha! Daddy’s bald!”
“Cynthia, you stay quiet!!!”
The emperor had so many targets for his anger that he was practically out of breath. His rage had passed the critical point; now all he could think about was killing every single high-ranking foreign dignitary and anyone else to shut their mouths forever. And then he would lock Cynthia back in the detached palace and give her new education. Yes! He would gaslight her again so that she would admire bald men. Why hadn’t he thought of that sooner? Yes… if he did that, there would be no problem at all.
“I command the soldiers and Guardian Duke Zero! Kill everyone present here and lock Cynthia back in the detached palace!”
“Please stop this, Your Majesty!!”
The man who rudely defied the emperor’s order to his face was Perma, Cynthia’s tutor. He had arrived through the gap in the barrier that Werther had opened. The person Cynthia trusted most. The essential talent needed if the emperor wanted to gaslight Cynthia again. He dared to stand in the emperor’s way.
“Please release Her Highness the Princess now, Your Majesty!!”
“You… Per-Perma. You… you lowly… mere commoner.”
“Even if I’m a commoner, I still have more hair than you, don’t I?”
“Shut up, you bastard!!”
The emperor’s veins bulged at Werther’s sudden remark. It was said that quite a few spectators laughed inwardly at that joke.
“H-how dare you defy me? You haven’t forgotten the Slave’s Mark, have you?”
“The reason I obeyed Your Majesty was because my wife was taken hostage. That wife died of illness three years ago while I was being tortured for allowing Her Highness the Princess to escape.”
With a face that looked at least thirty years younger and full of vigor, Perma turned his head from the emperor toward the princess. He presented her with the Confession Records he had secretly written during sleepless nights tormented by guilt, in order to calm his heart without imagining a son. It was a book that taught from the beginning about the emperor’s gaslighting and the correct way for men and women to relate.
“Please be sure to read this. And please, live freely.”
“Grandpa…?”
“PERMAAAAAAA!!!”
“Uwaaaaaaaaaaah!!!”
Along with the emperor’s roar, the Slave’s Mark burned at maximum intensity. Werther threw the wig into the emperor’s face and said,
“Hey, stop it. Hurting the old man won’t make your hair grow back, will it?”
“This son of a bitch!!!”
“Lord Werther! Please escape with Her Highness the Princess!”
Even as his veins boiled like lava and steam rose from his skin, Perma exerted desperate mental strength and charged at the emperor. He no longer looked like a frail tutor but like a valiant general. No, more than a general… he looked like a father trying to save his daughter. A man who feared even death. His face seemed relieved, as if he had finally atoned for his sins.
“Uwaaaah!! Y-you bastard Perma! What are you doing! How dare you embrace my august body! Uwaaah! H-hot!!”
“This is the bare minimum atonement for ruining Lady Cynthia’s life!!”
Because of the Slave’s Mark, Perma’s body temperature had already far surpassed the boiling point. The emperor, held tight against the superheated body, writhed in agony as his entire body suffered severe burns.
“It hurts!!! Uwaaaaah!! What are you all doing! Kill this crazy old man right now!!!”
“Lord Werther! While I hold the emperor, please take Her Highness—!”
Werther had no time to wonder how the old man knew his name. He simply grabbed the hesitating Cynthia and ran. He could not let this man’s life-risking final sacrifice go to waste.
“Grandpa. Grandpa…”
“Lady Cynthia… your tutor was happy to…”
The guards’ spears pierced Perma. In his final moment, Perma prayed not to Cynthia but to Werther.
Please forgive Her Highness the Princess… It won’t be easy… but I ask you.
“You damn octopus-head bastard!! You’re not my dad anymore! You octopus-head! Baldy!!!”
Octopus-head was the word the empress had once driven like a nail into the emperor’s heart. The emperor, his mind hazy from full-body burns, was disowned by his own daughter.
— Every newspaper’s front page the next day carried this exact headline. —
Octopus-head became a nickname that even the ignorant commoners all knew.
Meanwhile, Werther, fleeing from the pursuing soldiers, was carrying out the final phase of the princess rescue operation. There were simply too many soldiers to shake off by running.
“Hey. Remember the fountain in the square we decided would be our rendezvous point if we got separated during battle?”
“Y-yeah! Of course!”
“Teleport there. You can manage that much, right?!”
“What do you take the genius beautiful girl mage Lady Cynthia for?!”
Just before the spears the soldiers threw at Werther’s legs could pierce his calf, Cynthia swung her staff and chanted a spell. The thrown spears lost their target and flew off into the empty air. The imperial army was left like dogs chasing chickens, while the errand boy and the mage escaped to a safe location. The emperor would never dream that teleport coordinates had been planted here.
If anyone knew…
“I knew you’d eventually run here. You son of a bitch, Werther. How dare you humiliate me?”
…it would only be the hero party members who had set the coordinates together.
“Leave it to me, my lord! This Jeanne will kill the traitor!”
“W-Werther! Apologize to Leonhart now! If you apologize, he’ll forgive you!”
“Leonhart is the hero chosen by the gods. Do you intend to turn your back on the gods by assaulting such a hero, Werther? Please apologize quickly. I have been waiting all this time just to hear you say you’re sorry.”
Jeanne, Sharon, and Theresa took turns firing accusations at the errand boy.
“…………”
Werther, who had fallen into the fountain, slowly rose to his feet. His eyes, as he looked at his former party members—no, his ex-comrades—were filled with hatred and rage.