Pretty Baby Vampir (2)
Dohoyo was Sophia's closest friend and a goddess who fielded elves as her mainstay race. She answered the video call before the ringtone even finished its first few chimes.
"Dohoyo! Long time no see!"
"It has been a while. Oh—and congrats on going undefeated."
"Congrats to you too! Your ranking's way higher than mine."
"Rankings matter less than what people are saying about you. I leaned on my family's power, so of course I got results. You built everything from nothing. You know what people in the families I know are calling you? A dragon that rose out of the sticks."
"Hehehe."
Sophia scratched her cheek at her friend's praise. Their friendship was solid enough that it was nice to watch—but it was also boring.
If this had been a Korean drama, the second the call connected it would have been Who do you think you are, calling me?, and Sophia would have been muttering, Dohoyo… you wicked woman… while grinding her teeth. Maybe I'd been steeped in melodrama a little too long.
Time to get to the point.
"Lady Dohoyo. It's been a while."
"Uh… yeah…"
Dohoyo looked away. She used to talk to me just fine—why couldn't she meet my eyes now? Don't tell me she'd only just realized how charming I was.
"Haa… Cheonsol, what am I supposed to do?"
"If that is madness, do not speak it."
"I'm just too sinful a man. When you're this attractive, what can you do? Handsome, funny, wild, and tender."
"Ugh."
Sophia dry-heaved. No matter how much she pretended to hate it, the fact that her friend had fallen for me wasn't going anywhere.
"You're way crazier than the post on the community boards. How does a kid keep getting worse? Sophia must really be suffering."
"There's a post about me on the community boards?"
"You didn't know? It went up a few hours ago. Sophia lives on those boards—I'd have expected her to see it and tell you already."
"Ah. Something urgent came up, so I didn't check. Yohan, can we show her Lan-lan-i?"
"I'll hold her up. If you take her, she might wake up."
"Like you're any better…"
I ignored Sophia's grumbling and angled the screen toward Lan-lan-i. The moment Dohoyo saw her sleeping soundly with her tiny fingers clenched tight, her eyes went soft.
"What is that! She's actually adorable! Don't tell me Evrande's egg hatched?"
"My egg hatched?"
Evrande appeared on the screen. Judging by her battle count alone, she should have been worked half to death, but her complexion looked good. There was a faint trace of fatigue—and somehow that only made her look more alluring.
"Yohan! It's been so long!"
The second she spotted me, Evrande lit up and waved. Was this really the same elf who'd looked down on me until the day I took her? Her whole character had flipped so hard I could barely keep up.
But I was a man who adapted like it was a superpower. I answered right back.
"You been well?"
"Of course!"
"Good. I saw Lady Dohoyo's ranking and got worried you were being run ragged with all those battles."
Khh. Now that was sweet-guy energy. Evrande was so moved her eyelids trembled.
"I was worried about you too. But the baby… she doesn't look like me?"
"Ah. Lady Sophia took on one more minion. The baby's mine with her."
"…"
Evrande's face went cold. Why the sudden shift? I'd figured an erotic elf who'd already tasted me would be fine with it.
A more mature-looking elven woman stepped into frame.
"Evrande. What did I tell you?"
"Never trust a human."
The two elves vanished off-screen. Sophia started whaling on me.
"Yohan, you idiot! You should have softened it a little!"
"How was I supposed to soften that? I can't just lie and say Lan-lan-i is Evrande's kid. Cheonsol would be crushed."
"You are correct—and yet, in this situation, you are wrong. Mad Demon. You need to learn how to live among people. This lady only hopes Lan-lan-i did not inherit your complete lack of tact."
"So she's the new minion?"
The moment Cheonsol cut in, Dohoyo—who had been looking off-screen—spoke up again.
"Mm-hm! That's right!"
"It really is Cheonsol."
"You know me?"
"I saw the post on the community boards. Ah… I'd love to keep talking, but Evrande's not doing well. Have you heard of the Childcare Support Program?"
"I'd like to know how Evrande is."
She was the elf who'd laid my egg—of course I was worried. Next time we met, if I just suggested we have sex, she'd probably cool off. Should I ask Dohoyo to pass that along?
Sophia and Dohoyo ignored me and kept talking.
"No."
"Figured as much. When a newbie gets a baby minion, you can apply for support. They send childcare supplies, a kids' training set, and a little divinity—so put in the request. You'll like it."
"Lady Dohoyo!"
"I'm really in a rush, so I'm hanging up. Yohan—when you run into Evrande in a battle, get on your knees and beg properly. Bye."
The call cut out.
"She could've at least told us whether the egg she took hatched before she left."
"Yohan, be quiet for a second."
"This lady will have to inject some common sense into you."
Cheonsol and Sophia both curled their hands into fists at the same time. Going to hit me again? So this was how henpecked husbands were made. Fine. Hit me. Go ahead.
The moment we applied, the subsidy and childcare supplies arrived. Hermes Delivery—which had a stranglehold on logistics across the Divine Realm—dropped off a rattle, baby bottles, a crib, baby clothes, and more.
"Lan-lan-i can sleep in the crib. Looking at how fast she grows, we will need to replace it in a few weeks, but still."
"These clothes are so cute! They're perfect for her!"
Having worked out their stress by beating on me, the two women busied themselves unpacking. As I watched the supplies stack neatly in the bedroom, Cheonsol sidled up.
"Are you still sulking?"
"Who's sulking? I was thinking."
"You know how to think? Be honest with this lady alone."
"I really wasn't sulking."
I wasn't some hormone-addled middle-schooler—I wasn't going to pout over something this small. Once I'd cooled down, I understood why Evrande had gotten angry.
I'd dumped the truth on her way too fast. Even sex needed foreplay, and I'd blurted it out like I was forcing the Impregnating skill on her. Of course she was mad.
So when we met in a battle, I'd lead with a kiss. Cheonsol had calmed down the same way when she was angry. Evrande would be no different.
"Very well. If this lady does not trust her husband, who will? So—what were you thinking about?"
"There's no items in the support package."
"What?"
"Huh?"
Both women shot me looks that asked if I'd lost my mind. Sophia sucked in a breath so hard her chest swelled, then spat the words out.
"Of course there aren't items. What kind of insane association mixes actual items into a support package?"
"At the very least, the bed should have been an item."
I pressed down on the mattress of the crib Lan-lan-i was lying in. It was decently soft—but nowhere near the beds I made myself.
"How is anyone supposed to sleep properly on this?"
"Uh… um… isn't it fine…?"
Sophia pressed the mattress with me and asked carefully. What was this goddess even saying? She was going to sleep on something far better than this herself.
"I'll be blunt. This is garbage."
"Khahk!"
Sophia clutched her chest and staggered. What was with her today?
"Hmm. The spring is lacking, yes. Not soft enough, and the bedding is rough."
"Ghk!"
"See? Cheonsol gets it."
"I have slept in a bed you made yourself—of course I understand. Your mind may not be entirely sound, but your craftsmanship is the real thing. It is only a little short of the bed this lady used as a cult leader, so I have no choice but to concede the point."
"Hnnk!"
She'd been awfully loud for a while now.
"Lady Sophia, what's wrong with you? Someone watching would think I'd hit you."
"Uh… no…"
"She must feel sorry for Lan-lan-i. A goddess's bedding is far superior to this, is it not?"
"…So this bed is garbage, is that it? What are you going to do? Sleep with her yourselves?"
Why was she angry? A woman's heart was truly beyond me.
"No. If we slept together and crushed her, there'd be no taking it back. Obviously I'm going to make a new one. Break it down, tweak it a little, reassemble it—done."
"Really?"
Sophia brightened instantly. She'd gotten herself worked up alone and then flipped to happy just as fast. Bipolar, maybe?
Only then did she seem to realize how she'd been acting, and her face went red.
"Wait right here!"
Sophia bolted out and came back carrying a mattress. One look was enough—it was worse than the crib's.
"This is actually my bed."
"This is a bed? Where did the legs and the frame go?"
"I don't have those… A mattress alone is still a bed, right?"
Watching Sophia avoid my eyes over something that wasn't even her fault made the tears come pouring out.
"Waaah—waaah!"
"What the—! Why are you suddenly crying?"
"Has your madness flared again?"
"Lady Sophia is too pitiful! Sleeping on a mattress this hard! It's basically the floor!"
"Uh… it's not that bad…"
"Your body must be wrecked! No wonder you always said your shoulders were stiff! It's the poor sleep quality!"
"It's because of my chest… never mind."
I hadn't even known our goddess was sleeping on something like this. I was a failure as a minion. After I'd poured out every last drop of grief, I took Sophia's hand.
"Lady Sophia!"
"Y-yeah…"
"I'll take full responsibility and upgrade your bed!"
"Really?"
"Just spare me a little divinity!"
Crushed under my enthusiasm, Sophia mumbled,
"How much divinity…"
"We'll figure that out as we go. How much were you prepared to look into?"
I wasn't going to gouge her. Really. This was for our goddess—I had to use the best materials I could. Sophia's wallet? It would be fine. We'd just gotten the subsidy, after all.