Why the Hell Are You Telling Everyone That?!
Botal Rabbit, Park Yeon-ha, was sobbing and chugging alcohol while wearing nothing but a thin robe, her hair still damp and unbrushed. In front of her lay every kind of champagne and whiskey imaginable—or more precisely, bottles like Château d’Yquem and Pappy Van Winkle, the kind so rare and expensive that even throwing money at the problem barely got you one. Considering heroes didn’t get drunk, it was hard to imagine a more extravagant hobby.
“Hic… ugh… you baaaaad guuuuy… hic!! Waaaaah! What am I supposed to do?!”
“Waaaaah!! I don’t wanna break up!!!”
“Who said we were breaking up?”
“Hic?? Huh???”
Iron Colossus had approached without a sound. He silently picked up the overturned bottles and set them upright again. Yeon-ha scrambled to her feet and threw herself into his arms. He said nothing, simply stroking the back of her head. She trembled at his touch, then mumbled in a tear-choked voice.
“Let’s not break up. Okay?”
“Obviously.”
“Then why did you say that earlier?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said you needed time to think! Hic!”
“I did. It was necessary to respect your preferences.”
“There it is again!! What does that even mean?!”
“Calm down and listen.”
Iron Colossus gripped her shoulders firmly and pushed her back. He looked straight into her eyes with an utterly serious expression and spoke slowly, enunciating every syllable.
“Are you aware of induced ovulation in rabbits?”
“…???????”
Her brain couldn’t keep up with the situation at all.
“Rabbits undergo what is called induced ovulation. That means, unlike typical female ovulation, it does not occur on a regular cycle. Ovulation only happens during mating. It is a kind of hormonal response. And that…”
“…??????????????”
She swore it was the longest sentence she had ever heard him say in all the time they’d lived together. The fact that it happened to be a scholarly explanation of rabbit ovulation was beside the point.
After continuing his explanation for a while, Iron Colossus wrapped it up like he was placing a period at the end.
“…To summarize, it means ovulation only occurs during ‘satisfying’ sexual intercourse. Because I have not respected your preferences until now, we have not yet had a child.”
“…Uh….?????”
“And my life’s dream is to eat dinner together with you, me, and our child, smiling.”
“Uh….???”
“Therefore, will you marry me? In return, I will fully support your preferences.”
Did I understand that correctly?
Yeon-ha blinked her large eyes rapidly, staring at him in a daze. His face was stoic, blunt, and emotionless… yet for that very reason, it felt even more sincere.
“So… you’re saying I should go sleep with another man?”
“If you mean being forced by a villain, then yes.”
“And that’s my preference?”
“Clearly.”
“What kind of nonsense… Wait, even if everything you said is true, what about the baby? It wouldn’t be yours then, would it?”
Iron Colossus declared it with an utterly blank face, yet with such confidence that it only made her angrier.
“I can finish inside you at the end.”
“Do you… actually… think… that makes sense?”
“It is the most rational solution, Yeon-ha.”
“You… crazy bastard!!!”
Contrary to his expectations, Botal Rabbit’s rage subsided surprisingly quickly. Perhaps it was because she had just gone through the agony of wondering whether they would break up or not. She sat down weakly and fiddled with her glass, looking remarkably receptive. For her, that was shocking.
After thinking for a long time, she let out a deep sigh and looked at him.
“Let’s think logically, Colossus. Let’s go through this one step at a time like normal people… Assume everything you said is true. That I… that I… that I have induced ovulation…”
She blushed fiercely and let out another heavy sigh. It felt like a massive rock was lodged in her chest. She gulped down more alcohol. That rock’s name was, of course, Iron Colossus.
“Assume I do that! And assume my preference is… that thing!”
“You used the word ‘that’ twice in one sentence.”
“Kyaaaaah!! Please!! Just stay quiet! Haa… Colossus. Logically speaking, if ovulation occurs, then for fertilization to happen…”
She was desperately trying to use the most wholesome, academic terms possible.
“…Wouldn’t the first sperm to reach the egg be the one that impregnates me? Right? It’s not like some hentai where later sperm just paints over it and magically makes you pregnant. How the hell did you even receive sex education?!”
“In ordinary cases, yes. That is obvious.”
“What?”
“However, I have prepared a countermeasure for that scenario as well.”
“…Just tell me.”
Iron Colossus immediately reached into his pocket and, as carefully as if he were handling a priceless ancient relic, pulled out a small medicine bottle. Inside the little yellow container were blue pills and white pills packed tightly together. It looked extremely, incredibly, and thoroughly suspicious.
Park Yeon-ha narrowed her eyes at him.
“The blue pills protect the ovulated egg, and the white pills neutralize that state.”
“Who gave you these?”
“Hm?”
“Who gave them to you? No, now that I think about it, this is weird. Really, really weird? Suddenly you’re talking about induced ovulation like it’s nothing, throwing around weird academic terms, spouting random information like some walking Wikipedia. There’s no way you came up with this on your own!”
She slammed the table and shot to her feet, shouting.
“A guy who’s never watched a single documentary in his life! A guy whose only thought is disaster relief! Suddenly talking about what? Induced ovulation? Rabbit ecology? Who was it?! Who gave you those pills and fed you all that crap?!”
“…Dr. de Boar… did.”
“Dr. Mentis?! That thieving cat!! I knew it! Of course it was her! You went out earlier, met her, spilled everything about my… my porn… my preferences, and got counseling from her?!”
“No. That is not correct.”
Iron Colossus puffed out his chest with an extremely confident expression.
“The counseling for that part was received from Onyx Knight.”
“I’m going to lose my mind!!!! How can two other women’s names come up in the same conversation while you’re talking to your girlfriend?!”
“…Hm.”
“Why—why did you even say that?!”
“I did not say ‘you.’ I simply said ‘someone’…”
“Then who the hell else would it be, you idiot?!”
“Uwaaaaaah…!!!”
Park Yeon-ha’s scream, filled with despair, exploded and filled the entire Rabbit Hole penthouse. She crouched down, covering her face with both hands, her expression a cocktail of rage, shame, and anguish.
“I’m… I’m trash. I want to go die… Why didn’t you just… just broadcast it publicly…? Huh…? Colossus. Why didn’t you just submit my story to the front page of tomorrow’s Hero Tribune…?”
“Yeon-ha…”
“So what was it? When did you meet Dr. Mentis, what did you talk about, and what exactly did you hear?”
“It was a month ago.”
Hoping she would calm down as much as possible, Iron Colossus quickly continued.
“I went to consult about why we weren’t having a child. It could have been my problem.”
“Why didn’t you tell me…!! And why her of all people?!”
“Her name is Wilhelmina de Boar. Mentis is a derogatory nickname villains use for her…”
“Her behavior is exactly like a praying mantis, so what?!”
“…She… she is a good person.”
“Uwaaaaaah!!! Stop! Just stop and keep talking!!”
Of course, it wasn’t strange for Dr. Mentis—an emergency medicine hero and specialist in hero physiology—to be close with Iron Colossus, a disaster support hero. Disaster support heroes were the “old-school hero” types who would rather shove their own bodies between steel and concrete than watch civilians get hurt. That meant the people who got hurt most in disasters were often heroes themselves, and a hero visiting the hospital was practically an emergency. In that context, it was entirely possible for Mentis, the country’s most promising hero-specialized physician, to become acquainted with him.
Botal Rabbit barely managed to follow the logic that far and took a deep breath.
“I believed there was a problem with my sexual function. I requested a detailed examination. Dr. de Boar said all my values were normal. She… probably… um…”
“Said the problem was on the woman’s side?”
“…That is correct. And she told me about rabbit ecology…”
“She said ovulation wasn’t happening because your ‘sexual preferences’ didn’t match?”
“…Accurate.”
Good. Let’s kill that bitch.
Botal Rabbit nodded with a bright smile. Obviously this idiot wasn’t at fault. The real villains were the satanic mantis spawn who had manipulated this innocent rock.
“So she gave you those pills? Since she couldn’t know your sexual preferences, she’d have you find another man to trigger ovulation, feed me the pills to prevent pregnancy, and then you finish inside me… and we have a baby?”
“…Accurate. She called it the ‘Sijungma Project.’”
“I don’t give a damn what it’s called!”
Sijungma referred to teaser stallions used to sexually arouse mares and prepare them for breeding before stepping aside. It was annoyingly accurate. The only problem was applying it to people.
Yeon-ha tapped the table with her index finger, organizing her thoughts.
“Give me the pills.”
“Hm.”
“I’m going to ask Mentis directly. How do I know what she did to these?”
“She is not such a wicked person.”
“…We’ll talk about that later. You… you… you… Haaaa. Listen to what people say more carefully. From now on. And if any problem comes up, or if you have any questions… just ask me instead.”
“Dr. de Boar is an intelligent person.”
“Then what is Onyx Knight?!”
“Onyx Knight is wise.”
“Uwaaaaaah!!! Then what am I?! Some stupid rabbit girl?!”
“You are the person I love.”
Calmly. As if he were simply describing the weather that morning. Completely casually. He looked at her with those straightforward, honest eyes and spoke.
At that upright and sincere gaze, Park Yeon-ha’s face flushed bright red and she hung her head.
Foul. That’s so foul.
“Anyway… anyway!! I’m going to go talk to Mentis! You just wait here knowing that!”
“Isn’t it too late right now?”
“No! That woman doesn’t sleep at this hour!”
Thanks to their past bad blood, Botal Rabbit knew exactly what Dr. Mentis would be doing around this time and where she would be. She hurriedly threw on her clothes, kicked off from the windowsill, and shot out into the night sky.
Iron Colossus watched her bouncing from streetlight to streetlight and gave a small nod.
“It has been resolved well.”
Satisfied, he began cleaning up the messy house.