This Doesn't Count Because I Wasn't Enjoying It!! (Epilogue)
The fact remained that being a hero was a lucrative profession. When everyone admired you and every stratum of society showered you with respect, guest spots on TV programs were the bare minimum. Add in advertising deals, interviews, and all the rest, and the income rolled in. Most of the money heroes earned was tax-exempt, a national acknowledgment of the lives they laid on the line. Yet the world’s legal loophole artists saw things differently. To them, it was simply state-sanctioned tax evasion.
With a loud click, Botal Rabbit killed the TV. Her messy hair stuck out in every direction as she scratched at her scalp, curled up on the sofa like a disgruntled ball of frustration.
After the recent incident, Iron Colossus had decided she needed rest. And as long as Eight Bomber remained at large, a national disaster emergency summons could come at any moment. The only way to avoid that compulsory recall was to officially suspend Botal Rabbit’s hero activities for the time being.
Ever since, the media and internet had been flooded with talk about her. Nonstop.
“What a stupid thing to do…!!”
Her hands trembled as she poked at her phone. Countless unread messages waited like landmines. Some from her corporation, some from partner companies, and even a few from other heroes checking in.
“These people are the scariest ones!!”
Suddenly heroes were asking after other heroes? And an S-class hero at that? There was only one reason they’d do that. The only people who had her private contact and would dare message so casually were members of the same hero team.
Botal Rabbit mainly operated with HT, the small team she ran together with Colossus. But there was another team she had originally belonged to and still kept her name on: Hero Team Thunderstorm Strike Squad. Or TSS for short. The nation’s premier special strike force dedicated to villains, monsters, and kaiju. Famous for housing two S-class heroes—one of whom was her.
Because Botal Rabbit was so popular, the team had used her as a walking billboard. Investment products, corporate sponsorships (basically consignment sales), individually manufactured goods… At this point it wasn’t a hero team anymore. It was basically a conglomerate.
And now the co-representative had suddenly declared, “I’ll pay every single tax I don’t actually have to pay!”
Botal Rabbit squeezed her eyes shut, took a deep breath, and checked the TSS chart. The entire screen was dyed blue. In just one day. It would probably keep falling. No chance of recovery.
Her trembling fingers scrolled through the partner company charts next. The fashion brand that sponsored her usual outfits. The cosmetics company that provided her skincare. The shoe brand, the sparkling earrings that always showed up in her interviews. Even a random beverage company she’d once casually said tasted good on a variety show.
“Everything’s completely blueeee!!!”
She shook with pure panic. What was she supposed to do? What was she supposed to do? She chewed on her nails while frantically flipping through her phone—
Beep!
“Eek?”
She had accidentally answered an incoming call. The caller was a TSS hero… A-class combat specialist Chrome Fist. Of all people.
“Hey!!! Botal Rabiiiiiiit!!”
“Kyaaaaaaaaaah!!”
“Hello? Hello!! Why the hell haven’t you been answering?! Hey, you idiot, what are we gonna do about this?!”
“Cough! Cough cough!! H-hello…? Sorry… I’ve got a cold so it’s hard to talk on the phone. Just text me… cough!”
“Bullshit! Since when does a physical-type hero catch a cold?! Stop lying through your teeth!!”
“Cough! Ah… the signal is weak. Transferring to voicemail.”
“What? What?! Hey!! Cut the crap! Where are you? Are you at the rabbit burrow? I’m coming over right now so you’d better wait!!”
Beep.
She slammed the phone down, trembling all over. They were coming. These bastards were about to storm in! They’d swoop in like debt collectors and sweep away anything that could make money!
“My treasures are off limits!!!”
Botal Rabbit jumped up, frantically scanning the room. She gathered every valuable item and shoved them into the safe, setting the double lock. It was a special reinforced safe built to withstand villain invasions. This should hold until Colossus got here…!
Good. The house was safe for now. Botal Rabbit let out a huge sigh, then hurriedly changed clothes. Plain grey leggings, a black Adidas training zip-up hoodie. She pulled a cap low over her eyes, added sunglasses and a mask. She looked exactly like an ordinary college student stepping out to buy cigarettes.
“Perfect! And I actually have something I need to do…!!”
She almost jumped out the window but caught herself and walked to the elevator instead. There were definitely paparazzi camped outside her building, cameras aimed at her windows.
Vrooooooom—!!!
Botal Rabbit gripped the wheel, whipping it left and right while chewing on her lip. She still had time… The effect lasted seventy-two hours, right?
Last night, after Colossus had rescued her, they’d eaten a simple meal at home while she recovered her strength. Once the sleep-deprived Colossus—who had been awake for fifty-five hours straight—officially announced the suspension of Botal Rabbit’s activities and finally collapsed into unconsciousness, she had quietly slipped out of the rabbit burrow and gone looking for Dr. Mentis.
She needed a prescription for emergency contraception.
She had already ovulated. Fertilization had almost certainly occurred. That was absolutely, positively not allowed.
She had waited anxiously until Colossus fell into a deep, even sleep, then bolted. She sprinted at full speed all the way to the South Seoul Emergency Center, only to hear:
“Ah, Professor de Boa? She’s off today.”
“What?! Why?!”
“…The ER runs on a rotating shift system. Professor de Boa was on duty yesterday, so…”
“Then what time does she start tomorrow?!”
“Nine thirty.”
“Aaaaaagh!!”
She couldn’t get it from another doctor! Emergency contraception was a specialized medication, and any ER visit would leave an official record! The gossip-hungry reporters and toxic fandoms that scoured the country for even the tiniest crumb of information about “Botal Rabbit” would never miss a story like Botal Rabbit visited the ER at dawn for morning-after pills.
But Dr. Mentis was directly involved in this whole mess. She would understand the situation. And if she didn’t… Botal Rabbit would make her understand. Even if it required violence!
“No matter what!!”
Vroooooooom—!!
Her beloved orange Aventador tore down the road like a mad beast.
“Oh right, speeding ticket!!”
She smoothly parked in the hospital lot, twirled the key with a flourish, and stepped out looking cool—
Beep!
The instant speeding violation text made her clutch her head in despair.
I’m not a hero right now, damn it!!