Cleaning Up the Gods' Shit
"Kyaaahng...♡ To show such a disgrace in front of the gods...!!"
"What the hell."
What could it really be? A voice came from a place where it absolutely shouldn't be heard. Was it actually Odin? Or was I just exhausted from Isabel and Seria taking turns wringing me dry lately? I had to be hearing things. That was the only explanation that made sense.
After all, there was a man riding a horse on the road to Valhalla. Was that normal? You idiots, horses can't fly. They're four-legged land animals. A flying horse? What is this, Sleipnir?
"...This is real."
Oh. Oh... Oh! This was fucking, completely fucking. I rubbed my eyes, slapped my own cheeks, and bit my tongue. It hurt enough to draw blood. Holy shit... Right in front of me stood Odin, mounted on Sleipnir and holding Gungnir.
Odin. The god of magic, wisdom, and war. He had plenty of other flashy titles too: Father of Battles, Spear-Thrower, Father of the Slain. No wonder some even called him the Creator and the God of Death.
"A magician who pursues knowledge with insatiable greed." That was the name I'd settled on for him. It might sound a bit long-winded, but it was accurate. He'd drunk from Mimir's spring and absorbed its knowledge. He'd come to understand love and wisdom, and so the world had worshipped him. If he hadn't been great, no one would have bowed so deeply.
But that had been the problem. Had he sought too much knowledge? This idiot had seen the future and learned that Loki's children would destroy the world. So the dumbass who glimpsed the future went and imprisoned those three children! It was the stupidest possible move. Didn't he realize that by acting on his prediction, he would make that future come true? It might not even have been certain. Because he'd believed in a mere possibility and acted on it, I was the poor bastard stuck cleaning up the aftermath. Spilling my guts for two years. Enduring absurdity and pain I'd never felt in my entire life.
Was it legal to beat his ass for this? I couldn't reach him while he was flying in the sky, but I could at least hit him with the facts. Respect your elders? Save that for actual decent people. I knew in my bones that I had a lot to say to this fucking moron and that I wasn't the type to bow to old age.
"Yeah. I've been wanting to meet you."
Oh my god. What even was cool? His voice was like a heavenly opera singer, a honeyed tone so magnificent it felt like my ears were melting. They weren't literally melting. My ears were fine. It was just that kind of voice. The kind of deep, resonant, low-tone badassery that made your balls tremble. The so-called dick-cool, accumulated-evil, bass-energy was unfolding right before my eyes. Was this even a human voice? Oh right, this bastard was a god. Sorry, Odin. I forgot because I was too busy shitting a massive dump. It should at least smell moderately bad. Ugh, disgusting.
"Odin, come down here. We've got a lot to talk about."
Spilled water can't be put back in the glass. So at least let me land one hit. Floating smugly in the sky like a coward. Did he predict even this? More importantly...
"Isn't he a complete trash boss?"
He pushes all the annoying chores onto me, then sips coffee while watching the show. Now that there's new work, he calls me up to the executive office. Fuck his mom. Odin definitely killed his own mother. Otherwise he couldn't be this heartless. After everything I've gone through since coming to this other world! How could he do this to me!
In the heavy silence that followed, I looked around. Everyone had bowed their heads. Even Seria and Isabel lowered their bodies in reverence. Right now, in this place, I was probably the only bastard holding his head high. I slowly opened my mouth.
"So what is it you must say?"
Crows circled around him. The sound of flapping wings and cawing filled the air near Odin. He stroked Sleipnir's cheek and spoke.
"What?"
He shows up out of nowhere and says that? Well, I was planning to go anyway...
The axe? Oh, he means Bete.
"Puhuhu..."
"Puheheheheheh. The tool sure talks a lot."
I laughed at Bete with everything I had. Then I cleared my throat and spoke to Odin.
"You're telling a mere human to go rip the head off a dragon?"
Ah, so that's what Bete had been saying. In the end, what devours the world is the void. The meaning finally clicked. He'd seen Nidhogg corrupting the World Tree with void energy. Bete belonged to Helheim, so until his death he'd wanted to return to the void. Because the ruler of Helheim was Loki's daughter. In other words, as a subordinate of the daughter of the void, he'd wished even in death to return to his origin. In the end he'd regained his senses and become a jet-black axe, but still.
His voice trembled slightly. Odin was blaming himself for his mistake.
Odin bit his lip. His braided beard twitched. He was the one who had pursued wisdom more than anyone. That was why he now regretted believing so literally in the fate his own mistake had created.
But.
"In the end, you're telling me to clean up the shit you took."
"Did I say something wrong? No, I didn't."
Everything that happened because of his actions. If I traced the root of all these events, if I followed the stem all the way up, the foolish god's deeds would appear vividly before my eyes. Throwing Jormungandr into the ocean of Midgard to imprison him. Using Fenrir as the gods' toy and suppressing him. Imprisoning Hel in the land of the dead. Loki's anger was completely justified. There was more than enough reason for him to rebel against the gods. Honestly, if I were picking sides, I'd want to side with Loki. The only reason I couldn't was because it was fucking frustrating and gave me stress-induced cancer. What could I do? Odin had promised through the king's mouth that he would grant my wish if I killed Hel.
That's why it pissed me off so much!
"You said it yourself. If I kill Hel, you'll grant my wish."
"You fuck. Did you drink from Mimir's spring for nothing? The guy who gained wisdom can't even use his head."
I could only sigh. There'd been no point in gouging out his eye and giving it to Mimir. He'd gained wise knowledge but still believed in the prophecy and committed a mistake. He hadn't even realized it was the future that would unfold if I killed Hel. So I had no choice but to worry. Whether I should kill her or let her live. Bete had said Hel had no interest in Midgard. But I believed Hel was a woman who deserved to die. In the end, the people who died were still dead. If I killed Hel, I could return to Earth. Obviously. It was one of my greatest wishes. At the same time, I could love my precious wives without worry. Probably... the reason I was fighting now was for their sake.
However, I was certain that killing Hel would enrage Loki. It was closer to certainty than mere confidence. The god's fury. A war that would break everything in the world and make them fight each other to the death. Ragnarok would unfold so clearly I could already see it. If I killed Hel, I would fulfill my wish, but this world would be destroyed.
"What do you think will happen if I kill Hel?"
"Even if the master of the void is Hel, Loki's anger will stay the same."
"What's the point of criticizing? It just makes my mouth hurt."
The biggest complaint I had was this.
"It's heavy."
"Fuck. My shoulders feel heavy."
The fate of the world or whatever. Honestly, it was too much for me. I'd ended up carrying this enormous burden all by myself. It was heavy. Really, truly heavy and terrifying. I was human too. Before being a hero, I was just a man. The fate of the world would change depending on my choice, so what the hell was I supposed to do? If Odin could have granted a wish to prevent the world's destruction, he would have done it already. He summoned me because there was no other way, right? He'd said with his own mouth that if Ragnarok began, we would fight together. But the future Odin had seen was total destruction. In the end, everyone dies. The one granting the wish dies. My lovers and comrades die too. I couldn't help but feel sick watching the shit-poop in front of me regret his actions.
Gods make mistakes too. Yes, as someone currently suffering because of it, I felt that truth in my bones. That's why I said it.
"You're really a fucking idiot, Odin."
The man who had been silently watching Odin's words stood up.
Kugugung—
Thunder crashed down. It was lightning that blinded the eyes and crushed the ears. I couldn't hide my flinch at the enormous sound, but I didn't cower. Instead, I stared straight at the man with blue eyes. I couldn't see him clearly because he stood so high in the sky, but I could guess his identity well enough.
"...Thor."
"I called a dumbass a dumbass. What else should I call him?"
Thick bolts of lightning fell.
Odin drew Gungnir. Kwagwagwak! He knocked aside Mjolnir that had been about to strike with lightning. The wave of electricity shocked the air. My skin prickled and stung. Maintaining my breathing reminded me of the "ttadadak" snacks I used to love in elementary school. They were fucking delicious. Memory acknowledged.
"Wow, father and son sure fight viciously."
I chuckled while wiping away tears. The current I could feel even from this distance was stifling. Nice assist, Odin. I absolutely did not cower.
"...That's why it's so fucking annoying."
At this point it wasn't giving medicine after illness, it was giving more illness after illness. I had nothing to say. It wasn't every day you saw the supreme god bow his head and apologize to a human. Odin continued.
"Bullshit."
It really couldn't be more bullshit. In the end, Odin had decided to accept Ragnarok. At the same time, he was praying for me to prevent it. He was looking at me as his hope.
...Fuck. This was what "heavy" meant.
At that moment Isabel and Seria tightly grasped my hands. Their hands, trembling before a god, gently caressed me.
"...Isabel. Seria."
I could feel their resolve. They would stay with me until the end. No matter what the outcome, they whispered they would accept it.
"Huh."
At the same time, something inside me caught fire. The feeling was strangely refreshing. Well, nothing had changed from the beginning until now. In the end I would kill Nidhogg and subjugate the legion commanders. At the end of that road, I would point the holy sword at the Demon King. Loki's anger would be justified. Because of me, the war would begin. Even though I was only cleaning up the shit Odin took, the hatred would be aimed at me. It was fucking shit, but what could I do? If I didn't kill Hel, the 'contract' I made with the world wouldn't be fulfilled.
Even if I poured all my complaints onto Odin, nothing would change. The only reason I could talk back to a god was because I was the hero. If I gave up anyway, only he would be in trouble. Behind Odin, I could see the souls of warriors opening the gates of Valhalla. It looked like they'd arrived at the same time as welcoming new Einherjar candidates. Well, at least they weren't doing nothing. They were at least building up their forces in preparation for Ragnarok.
"Yeah. Saying more would just hurt my mouth."
"So let's get hit once."
Puhuhu. Did you think I couldn't hit you just because you were flying around like a pigeon? Did you think shitting a massive load and then bowing your head would make everything okay?
"People who get hit once usually don't make the same mistake again."
"I'm being sincere too. There are things words can't solve."
Like frustration, frustration, and more fucking frustration.
Riana tried to stop me. I understood how she felt, but it wasn't my problem.
"This is blasphemy, Hero!"
"So what?"
"Kyaaahng...♡ Such a disgrace in front of the gods...!!"
I lightly stepped on her and ignored it. Then I prayed. Odin, are you watching? Lord. Please give me the strength to punish this heretic. Amen.
"I'm non-religious."
I can change who I believe in whenever I want. Smirking, I provoked Thor.
"Hey, Odin's son! Let me see your face."
"Scared?"
I need Mjolnir. With that, flying would be easy. So.
"Come over here."
Odin. Let's go hit that old man once. I'll borrow Mjolnir for a bit. Two years of pent-up resentment can be solved with one good fist, right?