The First Consultation
The woman sitting before me in the psychiatric clinic looked so elegant and composed that it only served to heighten my tension. It wasn't just my imagination; she was a female counselor. Could I really spill my guts about my problems to a woman like her? I’d never had a single worry in my life that required professional help, so I’d never stepped foot in a place like this. Facing a situation like this was a first for me.
"Lee Doha?"
"Ah, yes."
"Nice to meet you. You mentioned you came here because of a sudden, pressing concern, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
She nodded. She looked to be in her early thirties, with a calm, static impression.
"According to the preliminary symptom test you took briefly in the waiting room, your numbers actually look quite good."
"Oh, is that so?"
"The results alone don't tell me what kind of difficulties you're experiencing. To help you properly, you need to feel comfortable telling me exactly what kind of discomfort brought you here today."
"Aha."
"Haha, I know the atmosphere might be a bit awkward. It's okay. I fully understand that it wasn't easy for you to come all the way here today."
"Certainly, this is my first time in a situation like this. I'm a bit nervous..."
When I booked the appointment, I didn't know what was what, so I just said my heart hadn't been at ease lately.
I genuinely started to struggle with the conflict. Should I just not say it? If it had been a male specialist, I could have just said, "Hey, doc, my dick has been itching like crazy lately and I'm losing my mind," but the person sitting across from me was... well, her.
"So, it's just... I feel like my mind has been a bit strange lately."
The specialist nodded calmly, as if offering an empathetic gaze, and focused on me.
"But honestly, it's just so... embarrassing to say."
"No, it's okay. Or would you like to go back to the waiting room, prepare yourself a bit more, and come back in?"
"Um. No, that's alright."
Right. I’d already come to the clinic, hadn't I?
I was being far too weak, unlike my usual self. I was the type who, once I made up my mind, followed through to the end. Why should some woman be such a big deal? I swallowed my groan and finally spoke.
"My sex drive feels like it's exploding lately."
"Aha. Sex drive."
"Is that... a bit strange?"
"No, no. Not at all. It's one of the common struggles anyone can experience, from teenagers to adults. Please don't worry and tell me more."
"Yes, then... um."
Where should I start? The fact that I get random, lewd thoughts and get hard at all hours? Or that I’ve been running to the bathroom to jerk off even when I’m out because I get suddenly horny? The fact that I almost seriously asked my exes if they wanted to be my partners before jerking off four times in a row and barely stopping?
"So, specifically, what kind of impulses do you feel in your daily life? You can just tell me about those."
I nodded at her words.
"Lately, I suddenly get these erotic thoughts. And because of that, my physiological reactions... they're quite intense."
"By physiological reactions, do you mean... the erection of your genitals?"
"Ah, yes, yes."
She was quite direct. Her gaze as she said that was truly dry and emotionless.
"Can you tell me exactly what kind of fantasies you have?"
"Yes, memories of past sexual encounters pop up... and suddenly, I just want to look up, um, pornographic material."
The specialist nodded slowly at my words and tapped on her keyboard. She seemed to be recording the details.
The silence was strangely intentional. It seemed like a ploy to make me spill even more of my troubles.
Shit... I felt a sense of self-loathing, but I had no choice. I decided to keep talking.
"So, I've actually been masturbating a lot, too. Especially recently."
"Since when has that been happening?"
"I don't know... maybe a few months? At first, it wasn't this bad, I just jerked off in the morning... no."
Oh, shit. I slipped up. Her eyes turned toward me. The sound of the keyboard stopped.
"It's okay, please feel free to speak."
"Ah, yes. I apologize. I mean, I'd jerk off as soon as I woke up, and then once or twice more at night... that's how I was doing it."
"Is it still like that?"
"Yes. I think I do it more than four times... but even that is me trying to control it, actually..."
She nodded. I fidgeted with my hands on my knees. While the tension had eased somewhat as I spoke, a major problem had arisen. I was suddenly getting horny again, shit.
The fact that I was exposing my shame without filter felt strangely like that 'shame play' I’d seen in manga or on Twitter. God dammit. Even worse, while the specialist's reaction was superficially kind, her underlying intent seemed subtly professional, which made me feel even more complicated.
I shifted my posture and put strength into my thighs.
No, I just reached down and pinched myself.
Don't you dare, Lee Doha. Don't you fucking dare.
"Do you masturbate in succession, or one after another?"
"S-succession? Ah... yes. I think there is a tendency for that to happen."
The sound of the keyboard started up again.
"Do you usually have a lot of sexual encounters?"
"When I had a girlfriend, I did it quite often. At least my stamina didn't... fail me."
"Three or four times a week?"
"No, there were times when we did it three or four times a day... I think I did it at least eight times a week."
"Aha... um... and you don't have a girlfriend or that kind of relationship right now?"
"Yes."
"You're intentionally not creating one? That kind of relationship?"
Her eyes scanned my face once. I thought for a moment before answering.
"I cut off a lot of my human relationships. I even deleted my social media."
"Aha. So you don't have any at all right now."
"Ah... it's not that I have none at all. There is one girl I've been close with since I was young. But she's really like family, and we don't even meet... anyway, she's definitely not someone I can vent my situation to."
The sound of the clock became exceptionally loud. The tick-tock of the minute and second hands. I could vividly feel the pulse throbbing against my temples as well.
I'm going to get an erection.
Ah, shit. How shameful is that thought in this situation? I was the type who would crush others, not be crushed. How could I, the manliest of men, end up like this just from venting a few worries? It made no sense.
"Can you tell me the reason for that?"
"Ah, that's nothing special... I just felt skeptical about everything, suddenly. Especially because my friends were all bad influences."
"Were there no places to form those kinds of romantic relationships? Until now?"
"I've been helping my uncle with his business... so I don't think I had much time."
I watched her fingers tapping on the keyboard intently. It wasn't that I wanted to, but my gaze just drifted there on its own.
Seeing no ring, is she unmarried...?
But I'd heard many women don't wear them on purpose. In the first place, when most men don't wear them, what can you argue from a woman not wearing one? That's right. There's nothing to argue there. Whether she's single or married, it has nothing to do with this consultation.
It only made the heavy weight pressing down on my crotch feel even more real.
Ah. I'm fucked.
It meant I was getting an erection.
"Excuse me, um."
I quickly and cautiously opened the conversation.
"There's one more thing I need to tell you."
"Ah, yes, yes. Please go ahead."
"Um, I don't know why this is either... but I originally only dated women around my age, right? The maximum age gap was... only three or four years."
"Yes, yes."
Only three or four years...
I was sure of it.
Her lips, which answered so readily, were particularly distracting. Her lips were glossy. Was she wearing tinted lip balm? Lipstick...? Her face was plain, as if she were wearing little to no makeup.
I swallowed unconsciously and lowered my gaze.
A crisp, white lab coat. Was it for the purpose of keeping the counselor's mind and body calm? If so, what about that skin slightly visible through the gap in the coat? Why was her fair neckline so noticeable?
I pulled my gaze away. I let out a frustrated breath and finished what I was saying.
"But... somehow, ah, this is a bit awkward to say... but now, it feels like none of that matters and everything is possible."
Her eyebrows twitched. If everything I’d said so far was in the realm of the predictable, this seemed to carry an underlying question of what that meant.
I sighed for a moment.
In short, that was it.
"So, to put it extremely, honestly, I feel like any woman is... possible. The, uh, sexual relationship."
"Ah..."
A silence that seemed like she was thinking.
To put it simply, that was it. I had become someone who would do anything.
"So, you mean that it's not just your original sexual preference, but that even other preferences are all... to your liking?"
"Yes."
If my mind gets this messed up, I just want to strip any woman walking down the street.
In that sense, the direction of my horniness had shifted quite significantly. Originally, my inner thoughts had been gradually shaped by shame, but this time, what should I say...
'I want to fuck her.'
I want to strip off all those crisp, wrinkle-free clothes and force myself onto her. I want to fuck her. I want to see that intellectual, professional face make those hideous, moaning expressions.
I stared at her intently.
Overall, her facial features were refined. With her hair tied neatly, everything about her was delicate. If I had to describe her image, she was the type of person who fit white or beige. Of course, when I first entered the consultation room, I hadn't felt that way. I just thought, 'She's a woman in her 40s, she's at the age where wrinkles will start appearing.' That was all I thought, but...
'Why does she look so beautiful all of a sudden?'
"......"
For some reason, she shifted her hips in her chair. The sound of fabric rubbing together rustled. What the fuck is this. What does it mean? Hey, you bitch, what does this mean?
'...No, shit.'
No. This can't be happening. Get a grip, Lee Doha. You aren't some kind of animal. I tried to ignore the bulge in my lower body and continued speaking as if venting.
"Um, that's why I think... my sexual fantasies and things like that have increased. So, I really, really want to get treatment."
"Ah... I understand Doha's distress well. It must have been truly difficult in your daily life."
"Yes. Truly."
If there were a partner I could vent this with... things would be different. I forcibly suppressed the inner thoughts that were popping out like a crazy split personality.
Having such animalistic, lustful thoughts toward an 'ajumma' who was only slightly pretty once you removed the rose-colored glasses was absurd, even to me.
"For now, I cannot recklessly prescribe any medication. Due to the nature of psychology, the problems and the necessary treatments are different for everyone."
"Ah... yes."
"Since I have a rough grasp of Doha's condition, let's have a more in-depth conversation through our next appointment. Um... would a week from now be good?"
"But... wait a moment. There is one more thing I need to tell you."
"Ah, is that so? Of course... yes, please feel free to tell me."
I couldn't leave now.
I have to calm down...
I somehow suppressed the impure thoughts and continued talking. Thanks to that, I was able to leave the consultation room with only a slight bulge in my pants.
Shit. Life is fucking miserable. I'm going to go home and jerk off. That was, at any rate, my first impression of visiting a psychiatrist.