Urusphier (5)
"Ah, today... I'll go sleep in Hepais's room. Ru-Rubia, you sleep alone."
Ah.
If someone had smashed a hammer into the back of my skull, would it feel like this?
No.
That wasn't it.
I knew, because I had been hit before.
This was worse.
Even when magic beasts with strength far beyond any human had beaten me senseless, the shock had never been this deep.
Arms torn open, legs shattered.
Even with my guts spilling out, the iron will that had kept me standing...
crumbled from a single sentence spoken by that small girl.
Light flared across my vision.
A violent wave of dizziness hit, and the strength drained from my legs.
In an instant my view dropped lower.
A cold sensation wrapped around my backside.
"Uh, Unni...?"
Hepais's flustered voice reached me.
Hepais.
Hepais.
Hepais...?
"In Hepais's... room... just the two of you? Sleeping... at night?"
Hepais had said she loved her master.
That master, Yuria, was a woman.
Noah was a woman too.
But Hepais had shown a mad, burning love for Yuria.
I didn't believe she would do anything... improper to Noah.
Hepais simply wasn't that kind of girl.
"Um... Rubia...?"
Noah, who had been sitting in her chair, fidgeted and carefully walked toward me.
Cute.
So cute.
Could Hepais really look at that and hold herself back?
The image of Noah deep in sleep rose in my mind.
She had been unbearably adorable.
The soft little breaths had been cute.
The way her fingers twitched in her sleep had been cute.
The way her toes curled tight had been cute.
And yet, looking at that Noah...
she could hold back...?
My head turned on its own.
My eyes met Hepais's.
Her face was soaked in pure panic.
"Unnis... why don't we just all three sleep together?"
All three?
"Uweh...? B-but... today... mmpf— mmph—!"
Hepais clamped a hand over Noah's mouth.
"The room fee's a waste, but... let's sleep together tonight! And tomorrow... I'll be starting the greatsword forging, so you two can have the place all to yourselves. Right?"
Tomorrow.
Noah without her greatsword.
Just the two of us.
"It'll take... a good two days at least. I'll be at the forge all day until I sleep."
All day.
"Eh...? T-two whole days...?"
"Yeah. I already got the materials and found a forge that would lend me space, but the facilities aren't great, so it'll take a while."
Blood began to circulate through my body again.
I barely managed to grab hold of the sanity that had snapped.
I rose quietly from the floor and brushed off my backside.
"I'm sorry. I made a scene."
A soft, gentle voice—my reason restored—spilled out.
"Uh, Unni... you're bleeding?"
"Just a little scrape. I'm fine."
"No... the blood... uh, there's a lot..."
I looked down at the spot Hepais was pointing to.
The skin near my anklebone had been torn open in a long gash, blood streaming freely.
The moment I registered the wound, the pain arrived.
But only for a moment.
Because I had seized my mind again, the injury healed in an instant.
"See? I'm fine, right?"
"Oh... yeah...?"
"Umm... Ru-Rubia... are you really okay...?"
Leaving the flustered Hepais behind, Noah carefully approached.
"Ah, yes. I'm fine. I'm sorry for worrying you. Shall we finish our meal first?"
"Y-yes... and... like Hepais said, tonight... the three of us should sleep together... I-I'm... sorry..."
Noah's hand fidgeted its way toward me.
"No. I'm the one who did wrong. You don't need to apologize, Noah."
I gently pulled my hand back.
At that, Noah's body gave a tiny tremble.
"Let's finish eating and get to sleep, shall we? We may not be busy, but Hepais will be terribly so starting tomorrow."
"...A-alright..."
Noah's hand, which had been hovering in the air, retreated to her chest.
"Come on, Unnis! Eat before it gets cold!"
Noah, who had been standing awkwardly, shuffled back to her seat.
I'm sorry... but right now, I have no choice.
After finishing dinner and washing up, we settled into the bed.
I took the left side, Noah the middle, Hepais the right.
The bed was small for three, but Noah's tiny frame made it surprisingly comfortable.
"Good night, Unnis! I'm heading out at dawn tomorrow, so don't freak out when Noah Unni's greatsword is gone!"
"Mm... b-but does it really take two whole days...?"
"Yeah. If someone else were doing it, it'd take at least five."
"Uweh... okayyy..."
"Hehe... look forward to it. I'll make it the sword that feels best in your hands, Unni."
Noah's head nodded.
The soft sway of her hair tickled my arm.
"Ru-Rubia... good night too."
Noah squirmed around to face me.
"Yes. Good night, Noah."
I gave a light smile and closed my eyes.
A little later, Hepais fell asleep first.
Much later, Noah followed.
I could not sleep at all.
Carefully I rose and walked to the window.
Cool dawn air, the same silver as my hair, wrapped around my nose.
"Haa..."
I thought back to Noah's words earlier.
Looking at them again, they hadn't been that shocking.
Simply... she was angry with me, so sharing a bed felt awkward, and she would sleep elsewhere.
An utterly simple statement.
But... why had I reacted so strongly?
Why had that sticky emotion churned through my head?
Why... had the mere mention of being left alone with her washed that emotion away?
An emotion I couldn't explain.
If I had to name it... obsession, perhaps...
Different from what I had felt for my younger sibling.
Yet too heavy to call simple friendship.
Why...?
Because she was the first friend to whom I had shown my true self?
Or because I felt a kinship with her?
Or if not that...
because she had become the landmark that guided me?
I didn't know.
Either way.
The fact remained that those sticky feelings had made Noah uncomfortable.
Hepais had said Noah might be afraid of being abandoned by me.
But what if that wasn't it?
What if it wasn't Noah who should fear being abandoned by me...
but me who should fear being abandoned by Noah?
If I had burdened her this much, angered her this much...
it wouldn't be strange if she left me.
And even if I wanted to confirm her true feelings...
kind, endlessly kind Noah would never give an answer that might hurt me.
She might even endure it alone again, thinking she had worried me.
But then... when Noah was the one who came to me first and clung...
what... what emotion was that?
When she took my hand first.
When she got so angry seeing me hurt.
When she said she would protect me for the rest of her life.
The Noah who lifted me up when I was falling apart.
The Noah who, even while crying and retching...
killed the one who attacked me...
what emotion was she carrying...?
I didn't know.
It was complicated.
I had never dated anyone.
I had been the priestess everyone revered.
I didn't understand people's true hearts.
I didn't know how to grasp someone's real feelings.
And... my own feelings too.
I couldn't understand what had given birth to this sticky emotion.
I turned my head and looked at Noah sleeping with soft little breaths.
Because the bed was narrow and her greatsword had been set aside, she was hugging my pillow tightly—adorable.
Her already small body curled up even smaller.
The way she frowned while chewing on a strand of hair that had fallen into her mouth was far too cute.
I walked over slowly and pulled the hair free from her lips.
Then carefully stroked her head.
The way her expression eased brought a warm smile to my face.
But in one corner of my heart...
that sticky emotion churned.
Hepais's words floated up.
The question of whether I liked Noah.
Not as a friend or comrade—whether I loved her.
It was almost funny.
The love I had seen and heard of was sweet, soft, ticklish, and warm...
not something this sticky and damp.
I didn't understand my own feelings.
I didn't understand Noah's either.
So...
I needed to put a little distance between us.
I needed to sort out my thoughts, my emotions.
It might not be the right answer.
It might even become an irreversible mistake.
It was terrifying beyond words.
But I had no choice.
Those sticky feelings might burst out again without me noticing.
They might ruin what I had with Noah.
And I... wanted to stay with her a little longer.
I smoothed the hair that tickled Noah's face.
Wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth.
Then I lay down myself and closed my eyes.
But...
until everyone else woke, I never slept.
When I opened my eyes, the greatsword was gone, just as expected.
And... Rubia wasn't beside me either.
Even after a long while.
Even when I made it obvious I was awake, she didn't come over.
"Ru... Rubia?"
No answer came.
I could clearly hear her breathing, though...
"Rubia...!"
"...Ahem... yes?"
The desk rattled, and Rubia's reply floated over.
The distance... was far.
"Um... uh... never mind."
"If you need anything, just say so anytime."
"...Okay."
Something was wrong with Rubia.
Why, why was she staying so far away...?
Normally... she would be stuck right next to me.
Was it because I got so angry yesterday...?
Umm...
My hand drifted to my waist on its own.
But it found only empty air and hovered uselessly.
"Umm... Ru-Rubia."
"Yes?"
I wanted to ask her to hold my hand...
But after yelling that I wouldn't sleep with her yesterday, if I went looking for her now just because the greatsword was gone... she'd definitely feel bad, right...?
Yeah... I'd feel bad too if I were her...
"Ah... never mind."
Silence settled again.
Through that silence slipped Rubia's even breathing and the noisy voices of people outside the window.
Until recently this never happened.
Somehow... my chest felt restless and empty.
I yanked the blanket that already covered me up to my neck even higher.
And hugged the pillow.
Still... something was missing.
I stretched out a hand and pulled over the pillow that had been on Rubia's side.
I buried my face in the pillow that carried her scent.
But I couldn't feel Rubia's warmth.
A little.
Just a little.
I felt lonely.
It was ridiculous to feel this way now, but...
I wanted Rubia.
to hold me.
Tight enough that we could feel each other's heartbeats.
Without a single gap.
Until it was hard to breathe.
Even if I couldn't see ahead...
so that every sense could feel only Rubia.
Hold me.