Reality Escape

"Haa..." A sigh escapes me on its own. Somehow, arguing with words ended up leading to sex. The puppy hates sex. A tiny, genuine pang of guilt rises in my chest. I gave the whip when I should have offered a carrot. It's time to show a little restraint. I mull over what was said back then. Yeah, if I'm being honest... most of it was just bluster. If that "photo" ever spreads online—and especially if the Lee family puts real effort into circulating it—I can't guarantee anything. No, anyone tied to the Lee family or the Null Group name draws media attention by default. Lee Arin is no exception. If something blows up, who knows what could happen. Most outlets are friendly with the Lee family, but not all of them.

"Huu..." I lie on the bed and let out a deep sigh. If I could just get closer to the puppy without anything else getting in the way... it's never that simple. While I'm lying there with nothing to do, my phone vibrates.

Right. The boyfriend. Ah... that's right. I'd told him we'd talk about it after the artifact arrived. I'd been so busy having nonstop sex that I'd completely forgotten. A short sigh slips out.

I can't do it right now. Even if I do it, it has to be later. The puppy would suffer otherwise.

The phone keeps vibrating. When I pick up—

The boyfriend asks in an irritated tone.

"Let's do it later. I need to pay a little more attention to the puppy too." I say it clearly. There's no helping it.

...Attention?

"...Yeah."

"Never mind."

I think it over. When should we do it?

"When do you want to do it?"

What? He wants to do it tomorrow?

"No way." The puppy needs rest. Tomorrow is impossible.

From his tone, he means it. I almost say no again, but stop. If I push it back any further, he might really explode.

"Fine." Click. He hangs up immediately.

"Haa..." These days, seeing my boyfriend just leaves me feeling like nothing but ashes remain in my heart. Now... I don't know. It feels like he's shrinking smaller and smaller inside my chest. The love is cooling. On the other hand, the puppy keeps growing endlessly in my heart. My face flushes on its own. I bury my face in the pillow and let out another deep sigh.

"Haa..."

Fuck. "Masturbation" wasn't nearly enough.

"Haa..." I let out a sigh. I kept hoping it wouldn't come to this, but I never thought it would actually fail. The small hope I'd been holding onto shatters into pieces. Seola won't answer my calls, and when I approach her she just blushes and avoids me. Lee Arin clutches her chest and runs the moment she sees me. Han Yerin treats me with an almost burdensome level of consideration. Everything from one to ten feels twisted.

It's class time right now. While I'm resting my chin on my hand and listening, Han Yerin pokes my arm.

"...Puppy."

When I turn to look at her, she's twisting her body strangely. Fuck. I have no idea why. "Yeah?"

"...It's nothing." Han Yerin turns her head away. Her face is flushed an unnatural shade of red, and she avoids my gaze whenever our eyes meet. She pokes my arm again.

"You said you wanted to join the Special Force, right?" She hands me her notebook. What is this?

"Take it. It's a notebook with all the key points summarized." She presses it into my hands. Suddenly? I flip through it—page after page packed with writing. It's so meticulously organized that "obsession" wouldn't be an exaggeration. She's just... giving this to me?

"No, why are you—"

"Just take it. I can at least help you with this much." Han Yerin smiles brightly. "You can even just keep it if you want."

"Huh?" What? Cold sweat runs down my forehead. Has Han Yerin ever helped me this much before? Or is she plotting something? She's been acting weird for a while now, but this is crossing a line. Our eyes meet. That look in her eyes is sincere. Han Yerin genuinely wants to help me! I hurriedly pull out my phone and check the calendar. Fuck, it's not even April Fools. Is today the day the Mayans predicted humanity would end? I scratch my head in confusion.

"I-I don't really need it. I've already got everything in my head, so don't worry." Though she doesn't seem worried at all...

"Ah, and take this too." Han Yerin pulls something out of her pocket. Something sparkling... an artifact?

"You went to the Lee family estate recently for an awakening test, right?"

"Yeah? How did you—"

"If it's the Lee family, of course it's about espers. Did you awaken?" I nod vaguely.

"What ability?" What ability? Uh, fuck... I hesitate, unable to say anything, then finally speak.

"It's Accumulation Power."

"Not bad. Take this." She places two artifacts in my hand. One is that 150-billion-won artifact... and the other is something I don't recognize.

"It's an artifact that increases 'efficiency' regardless of the esper ability." "Huh?" "Just take it. It'll come in handy." With that, she turns back to the blackboard. I'm stunned. Fuck, why is she suddenly acting like this? I slowly examine the notebook. Looking closely... every single thing I might have missed is highlighted with fluorescent and red markers. I compare it with my own notebook. Mine is pretty detailed too, but there are gaps here and there—Han Yerin's notebook fills them all in.

"Hmm..." This is more than enough to cover my shortcomings. It's definitely good, but still a little embarrassing. Awkward. She never used to be like this. Haa. I let out a short sigh. While I'm sitting there listening to class... ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the bell rings. I stand up. First, I should go find Seola. The way she's avoiding me feels exactly like last time—déjà vu. I head out into the hallway and search around for her when... Lee Arin approaches from the side. Just as I'm about to ask why she came, she bolts away like an arrow. Fuck... Why the hell is everyone acting like this...

I thought about it all day. Just because I love Taeho... does that mean I have any right to? I agonized over it all day. Han Yerin's words from that nightmare keep churning through my mind. Love the size of a plate. A crazy bitch who abandons her boyfriend... no, who ruins a person and then looks for new love. When I circle back and look at the past, all I see is my own selfish behavior. Even if I acknowledge the past and feel regret, nothing comes back. Maybe this is just another form of escaping reality—I kept thinking that. So I tried to get closer to Taeho, tried to feel something.

"Haa..." My heart reacts like an idiot. I can't stop my face from flushing. I despise myself for ruining one person and then shamelessly switching to a new love. But still... my heart keeps pounding. A crazy bitch like me becomes the most dangerous kind of "crazy bitch" when it comes to "love." I'm trying to fall in love again. Dangerous thoughts keep knocking on my heart. To steal Taeho... from his "girlfriend." It keeps urging me on. It pushes me to feel that emotion again. But I'm not someone who can love. The weight of my sins is far too heavy. It's like my mind is being quartered. I can't do anything and just flounder. While I'm like that, at some point Seokho appears in the corner of my vision. Like an idiot, I approach him, even try to kneel and apologize sincerely. He ignores me. He just tells me not to do that. I won't be forgiven. I shouldn't be forgiven. It's just a burden I have to carry for the rest of my life. That's all.

...Taeho. Is it okay for me to love you? Do I have enough "value" to deserve loving you? I hurt you too. I collapse onto the bench. I take out my phone and look at the photo. The blackmail photo I used on Han Yerin. ...So this is the only photo I took. I stare at Taeho's expression in the picture. Even at a glance, he looks flustered; the sweat beading on his forehead explains everything. At first, I didn't think anything. All I could see was sex. But once I knew, I realized exactly what I'd been doing. I was just tormenting him. That's all. Taeho already has a girlfriend. This is no different from rape. I hang my head low.

"Haa..." I have no value. It's not just Han Yerin's relationship that hit rock bottom. Mine did too. I let out a long, deep sigh. Now I understand everything. There's no... possibility. But still, even so... the feeling called "love" keeps eating away at me. I can't deny this feeling. All I can do right now is sigh heavily enough to make the ground sink. As someone who lives my life in this half-assed way like an idiot, I can't erase this sin. I shouldn't erase it. I can't change. "...Ah." No. I don't know. Not yet. At least if I know I'm a "crazy bitch" now, then I can change. "...Haa." I know. It's not going to be ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as easy as saying it. Especially since I've been "failing" at it my whole life... But I can't keep glossing over everything in this half-assed way forever. This isn't something that can be treated so lightly. I slowly stand up. Now, escaping reality is over.

I found Seola! Unlike last time when we faced off in the library, this time we stayed in the library and studied awkwardly. Normally, studying together should feel joyful, but the air is so suffocating it's hard to focus. It's awkward.

"Ah, you solve this like this..." Seola slowly teaches me the formula. A complex magic circle appears above her hand as she kindly explains each component one by one. The progress is faster than I expected, and it's hard to keep up. Then, if our hands accidentally touch...

"Hik!? Eut!?" She startles and pulls away. Seola? I'm going crazy. I must have done something wrong again... Fuck. I don't know. Why is she acting like this! Even when I ask why, she just shakes her head and says it's nothing. No progress at all. How is this "nothing"? If this keeps going, I'm going to die from frustration. I have to do something to break this suffocating atmosphere.

"Ah, Seola." "Hm...?" Seola looks at me with an awkward smile. When our eyes meet, she immediately looks away and fidgets with her fingers.

"Want to go somewhere fun later?" I ask with the brightest smile I can manage. I don't know about anything else, but the atmosphere—atmosphere! I need to clear the air first. Of course, it won't be just the two of us; I'll bring Seokho along too.

"Eut, eut, euu... U-uh, don't laugh..." Seola covers her face in embarrassment. What?

"Don't laugh?" My face fills with shock.

"If you laugh... eut, it keeps coming back to me..." Seola twists her body. She lowers her head while covering her face to avoid my gaze. Shocking. She actually told me not to laugh? Seola buries her face completely on the desk. She wraps her arms around her head and kicks her feet. Did I really do something wrong? No matter how much I rack my brain, nothing comes to mind. This is driving me insane.

"Uh, Seola, sorry—"

"Ah, no...! You didn't do anything wrong..." Seola waves her hands. "It's just... euu... I'm the weird one..." Then she slowly lifts her head. "Sh-should we keep studying...?" Seola smiles brightly.

"Uh... yeah." Seola awkwardly picks up her book and starts explaining about mana veins. After studying for about twenty minutes, Seola speaks up.

"...You asked if I wanted to go somewhere fun, right?" Her eyes sparkle. Is she going to say she doesn't want to go or something? I don't know what it is, but since I must have done something wrong anyway. Or maybe not? I'm losing my mind. No matter what happens, I don't want to lose Seola. Our eyes meet.

"How about... an ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠amusement park?" "...Huh?" An amusement park?

"I've never gone to an amusement park with a 'friend' before... so this time I really wanted to go with just the 'two' of us..." Wait a second.

"But Seola... the person you like—"

"U-uh?! Huh? Uh, I don't have one!?" The moment the words leave my mouth, Seola waves her hands frantically. Her face is as red as a tomato. After somehow calming her down, the bell rings.

"I-I'll get going now..." Seola quickly stands up and leaves. Seriously. I still can't figure her out.

Sound flows from between the artifacts. Puppy. Later... you're going to the amusement park with the witch? "..." So I really can't stop it. At this point, it feels like she's looking for something beyond friendship. Almost like... lovers. "Hmm..." I slowly chew over what the witch said. What? She's going to the amusement park with just the "two" of them? This doesn't feel right. The way she's sticking to the puppy, and how it's hard to see them as just friends... it's ambiguous. "Eut..." My heart pounds a little. No, this won't do. I need to come up with some kind of plan. She said they're going to the amusement park, right? Then... I could just... join in the middle and play together too? ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠It's a crazy idea. If I did that, the witch would snap my arm without blinking. No, wait a second. It's a public place, right? Could she really snap it? I think it over. Does the witch have the guts to snap someone's arm even in public? No, she doesn't. Even if she did, she wouldn't. Survival instinct? I have my pride too. I'm anxious. I don't know why, but the thought of the witch approaching the puppy as "more than friends" makes my chest ache a little. ...I want to stop it. Even if my arm gets snapped. I want to stop it. I want to stay by the puppy's side. "Haa..." Lee Arin's words echo in my ears. The puppy just hates having you around. No. Even if the relationship has hit rock bottom, I can pull it back up. I saw the puppy's expression when he received the artifact I gave him. That surprised look. If I approach him step by step like this, it'll work. It's not like there's zero possibility yet. ...Probably.