Awakening Guilt
I wake to the chirping of sparrows. A hollow, empty feeling lingers between my legs. "Ugh... huh..." I lower my head and look down. "Hooop, mmm, slurp, mmm... Did my puppy wake up...? Hooop, slurp♡"
Han Yerin is completely naked, sucking my cock. Her tongue moves in every direction, carefully licking along the shaft. What the... Didn't I go back home? I definitely closed the door... Ha.
"Slurp, mmm, hngh, your cock tastes so good...♡ Slurp, mmm, haaup, mmm♡" Han Yerin alternates between sucking the shaft and the glans. Her hand kneads my balls while her tongue traces the rim of the head. I start to tell her to stop, but realize it's pointless and let out a short sigh. In the end, I couldn't escape. My body feels too heavy and exhausted to move.
"Puppy, hooop, slurp... Don't worry... Haa... I'll just finish you off with my mouth and let you go♡ Slurp, mmm, haaup♡" I slowly lift my sluggish body. Ignoring Han Yerin, who remains bent over, eagerly sucking my cock, I turn my gaze to the loudly blaring television.
The news is roughly about how retired mid-ranking knight Cheon Sua had murdered a knight who had previously fled from a monster. Cheon Sua. It's been a while since I've seen that name. I recall hearing she once worked as support beside Kang Jia... and now that person has killed a fellow knight.
The anchor continues. Cheon Sua had publicly expressed dissatisfaction with the current, alarmingly weakened state of knights more than once or twice before. Someone who already held a negative view of knights—and then learned that her 'husband' had died because of one. There's not much to say if she turned into a vengeful spirit.
They are currently expanding the search net, the anchor says before moving on to the next topic.
"Slurp, mmm, haaup, slurp, ngh, hooop, haap♡" I lower my head with hazy eyes. Han Yerin is shaking her ass gently from side to side while diligently sucking my cock. Her sticky tongue coils around me, stimulating every inch.
Wait, now that I think about it... what about Lee Arin?
"Hold on, where's Lee Arin?"
"Haaup, ngh, haaup, slurrrp♡ She said she had something to take care of and left first♡ Hooop, mmm, slurp..." Something to take care of?
Han Yerin moves her hot tongue in every direction, urging me toward climax. She kneads my balls, speeding up as if begging me to cum as quickly as possible. Her hot breath hits my groin, and strands of drool drip onto the bedsheets.
"Slurp, ngh, nghh, slurp, mmm, haaup, slurp... Your cock is, mmm, swelling up♡ Slurp, you wanna cum soon?♡ Slurp, mmm, hngh, nghh..." My cock expands. Semen begins rising from the base. I swallow a gasp of pleasure. I can't hold it back any longer.
"Haaup, nghh, slurp, hngh... Mmm, hngh!?♡ Slurp, nghh, mmm... Gulp... Gulp... Slurp, mmm, haaup..." Thick, sticky semen surges down Han Yerin's throat in heavy spurts. Every time my cock pulses, her throat twitches visibly.
"Haa... Haa... Hngh... Puppy. Did that feel good?♡" She looks up at me with dreamy eyes. Fuck. I give a short nod.
"Haa... Hoo... Now I'll wash up a bit... and then head home♡" Fuck...
Somehow I survive the ordeal, return home, and collapse onto my bed. She didn't just wash me and send me off. After covering me in soap and riding me until I was drenched in sex, I finally managed to catch the bus home.
Lying in my room and staring at the ceiling, an overwhelming wave of fatigue crashes over me again. As sleep pulls me under, a small question flickers through my mind.
A wriggling feeling in my chest. At the time I was too lost in sex—no, survival—to notice. But now that I think about it, there were more than a few strange things. A sensation of something overflowing. A feeling of the walls rising as it overflowed. No, more like the 'vessel' itself was expanding.
"...Awakening?" I recall the words Lee Cheonhwa, the family head, had said. He definitely mentioned that within a day to a week, the foreign sensations would merge into one. Was that yesterday?
"Haa..." I don't know right now. For today, I just want to rest. I don't want to do anything. Tomorrow... or the day after, I'll head over to the Lee Family Estate. I should be able to learn something then.
Overwhelmed by intense exhaustion, my eyes slowly close.
Once the waves of pleasure subside, my mind returns. After the argument with Han Yerin, I realized my chest felt heavy. Even after stepping outside to stretch, the suffocating feeling in my heart interferes with my thoughts. It's like something is caught in my throat. My chest hurts.
Even when I sit still, that 'something' keeps catching, making me toss and turn. I try to shake off the thoughts by going shopping or playing table tennis at the court, but nothing helps. Slowly, 'guilt' begins to creep up from my chest. No matter what I do, the guilt won't go away. It follows me even when I try to avoid it, gnawing at my heart.
The 'something' I've been desperately ignoring has stayed by my side all day, tormenting me. I deny it with everything I have. I know what that 'something' is, but I deny it. I have to deny it.
"Hngh..." Before I know it, it's evening. I lie in my room, staring at the blue wallpaper, desperately trying to push that 'something' away. I recall what happened at the mansion. Come to think of it, from the middle onward, the original goal of fighting had been pushed aside. All I could think about was sex...
It definitely started as a fight over 'whose pussy feels better,' but after getting fucked... and sucked... and receiving a little caress... by the time I came to my senses, I was completely lost in sex with Taeho, my original objective forgotten in a white haze as I only shook my hips.
I really ended up in a threesome. My face burns red. Thinking about Taeho again makes my lower body grow hot. I haven't done anything, yet my womb instinctively drops. The courage to save me in a moment of crisis. The kindness naturally woven into his everyday demeanor. His fierce determination to chase his goals. Even his upright and gentle character. My heart races.
"Haa..." At the same time, a small memory flashes through my mind. The truth I had turned away from again and again. An unforgettable fact.
Gaslighting.
Every single one of the sharp words Han Yerin had spat rises slowly over my heart.
"Wow, that was surprising, wasn't it? It's hard enough to ruin one person, but you actually did it, Lee Arin. I'm genuinely shocked. How can a person do something like that?"
"Ah..." The floating thoughts slam into my head. No matter how much I try to deny it, the thoughts won't stop.
"Four whole years. You chased away other women because you liked your boyfriend so much and thought raising him like a puppet by your side was 'love'?"
Gaslighting. As the reality I've desperately ignored approaches, my heart flinches in agony. I can't deny it. Am I... just a crazy bitch?
It wriggles. From deep within my chest, guilt coils upward. I can't deny it. After hearing those words, I had forced myself to brush it off as fine. I had simply repeated 'no way' and denial after denial. But now I can't do that anymore. I can't avoid it.
Every single word Han Yerin had said pierces my heart like a dagger. She had struck the vital point. No matter how many times I repeat denial after denial, I can't escape. And then, suddenly, I realize.
"...Ah." I'm trash. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done those kinds of things... I did things to my boyfriend that should never be done. I realize my wrongdoing. Groaning in pain, I clutch my head and tear at my hair. I can't turn away, can't deny it, can't do anything. Every word Han Yerin spat out squeezes my heart. I can't avoid it.
I get up from my seat to organize my thoughts and open the door to step out onto the wooden veranda—
"Ah." Seokho is there.
"Hello." Under the coldly frozen moonlight, his calmly sunken eyes look at me.
"I came because I have something to say." Seokho gives a faint smile. Aah. Instinctively, I feel it. The end has come.
"Let's talk inside." Seokho grabs my wrist and leads me into the room. He slowly closes the door, and beneath the window bathed in moonlight, we stand facing each other. I'm anxious. My heart is pounding wildly.
"Arin." Our eyes meet. Coldness.
"Now, let's—" Ah.
"Break up." Time stops. That gaze, that expression, that gesture. Everything is telling me: I no longer love you.
My heart aches. Guilt wriggles upward from my chest. I know I should stop it, but it's already too late. Because I, too, have piled up so much. Just like—Han Yerin.
"I don't know anymore." Seokho begins. "Why I should love you."
"I've thought about it for a long time."
"Why, no matter how hard I try, nothing changes. Why, no matter how hard I try, I don't grow. Why, no matter how hard I try—I don't get stronger."
"Yes, you know, right? It's all because of you."
"I'll be honest."
"All that 'effort' was—"
"Done solely for 'you.'"
"Because I love you."
"There's nothing else. Because I love you, I wanted to change. I tried to become a 'strong man' who wouldn't feel ashamed standing in front of you."
"But now..."
"It all feels meaningless."
"So I stopped."
"Even if I change,"
"I'm still 'bound' to you."
"Because I'm trapped inside your 'cage.'"
"Lee Arin."
"Let me go."
"I don't want—"
"To receive your love anymore."
My head turns completely white, like a blank sheet of paper. My mouth feels frozen and won't move. All I can do is remain still. I can't do anything else.
"Lee Arin." Our eyes meet. A resolute gaze.
"Let's break up." He drives the nail in. He grabs the doorknob. Just before the door opens, he turns his head to look at me.
"Any last words?" Ah.
"I-I'm sorry..." I speak with my head bowed. "For playing with... your heart..."
"I'm sorry for everything... for doing whatever I wanted... I'm sor—"
"That's enough." Seokho looks at me with cold eyes. "I'll accept your apology."
A bad feeling.
"Instead—"
"Don't come near me again." Ah...
"That'll be enough." Slowly, the door closes. Footsteps gradually fade into the distance. I reach for the door to chase after Seokho—but stop.
"..." I don't deserve that much. His heart has already left, and he's driven in the final nail. I shouldn't be by Seokho's side. I can't do anything.
Thick guilt torments my chest.
"To be honest, your personality was rotten from the start."
"It's hard enough to ruin one person, but you actually did it, Lee Arin. I'm genuinely shocked. How can a person do something like that?"
"Four whole years. You chased away other women because you liked your boyfriend so much and thought raising him like a puppet by your side was 'love'?"
"No matter how I think about it, no 'person' would do such crazy things. There's no way you spent four years in a puppet-like love."
Aah... 'Trash.' It's all true. My chest hurts. Every single word, every single phrase flies at me like a dagger and stabs into my heart. I can't avoid it. I shouldn't avoid it. Because it's all true.
"Haa... Haa..." My head hurts. My whole body hurts. It's painful. Then—
Vrrrr— My phone vibrates.
Aah, I don't know anymore. I simply bury my face in the pillow and groan in pain.
At the same time.
Kim Taeho.
"Why isn't she checking her messages?" I scratch my head. I sent a text asking if it was okay to visit the Lee Family Estate tomorrow to find some answers... but she hasn't even read it, let alone replied. Did something happen?