Uncomfortable Questions
Ash’s expression grew serious in tandem with mine.
“That would be troublesome.”
“Exactly! I don’t even want to imagine it.”
“However, if the Pedri family sends someone, the highest probability is that Lord Lasshamu will come. The Duke cannot come himself, and anyone else would be pointless. Above all, among his brothers, the only one Lord Robenin will actually listen to is Lord Lasshamu……”
“You’re just going to ignore the other brothers? Why?”
“For better or worse, Lord Lasshamu is the one who admires Lord Robenin the most. Their ages are also relatively close. The rest are all quite young. It would be more accurate to say everyone except Lord Lasshamu is afraid of him.”
Among the things my parents had told me before they left, there had also been talk that my most likely marriage candidate was Lasshamu Pedri, Robenin Pedri’s younger brother.
My parents seemed eager to push Lasshamu as hard as they could if possible, but there was no way that would work on me.
Since Ash had been beside me when that conversation happened, he already knew exactly what the problem was.
“If Lasshamu… shows up saying he’s taking his brother and then runs into me… ugh, I already have goosebumps.”
There were already more than enough people around. There was Robenin in Bright, and Lox who would be returning soon.
If Lasshamu got added to that mix and started bothering me, then loyalty or whatever be damned—abandoning Ash and bolting seemed like the smart move.
Despite how I looked, I was someone who just wanted to live quietly.
“There’s no helping it. I’ll think of another way.”
“That would be best. Getting a marriage proposal would be such a hassle. I just want to rest for a while, but problems keep popping up, don’t they? And it doesn’t feel like I’m imagining it either.”
"Of course it's not your imagination. Master, you are the very spirit of incidents and accidents!"
"Shut up."
The deliberation was long, but no solution came. In the end, we couldn’t shake Robenin off before reaching the inn, and all I could think about now was how much I wanted to rest.
I leaned my back against the wide-open inn door and turned my eyes to look for Robenin.
Spotting him watching us from far away was faster by relying on sight rather than presence.
He had been following us at a consistent distance. It felt a little like being watched, but it also felt like I had given a piece of bread to a lost monster and now it was trailing after me, trying to devour me.
I looked back and forth between Ash and Robenin, then finally shook my head.
“I give up. He’s your friend, so you deal with him.”
“Sorry for making you worry about this.”
"...Isn't this strange? Why is Ash apologizing? If we're being technical, Master is the one who swallowed that guy's sword."
"If we're being technical, you're the one who swallowed it."
"I only did what I was told! And a spirit's sin is the Master's sin!"
I felt a surge of irritation, but he wasn’t wrong, and I didn’t have the energy to fight with Rai right now.
Because I had summoned a spirit to heal Ash, I was suddenly exhausted.
Healing magic was one of the most draining techniques, and normally using that much power wouldn’t leave me this drained, but I was still closer to a patient than anything else.
If I had called Endairon with the intention of fighting Robenin, I might be coughing up blood all over the floor by now.
It had been painful, but I thought I had made the right choice by holding back. Of course, the fact that Robenin kept threatening my life made me even more mentally exhausted, and that part still pissed me off.
What I needed right now—both physically and mentally—was absolute rest. That much was certain.
“Wait a moment. Jeanie, I know this is a sudden question, but……”
I was about to head up to my room to rest when Ash grabbed the hem of my clothes with an extremely serious face. He had only caught the very edge and pulled it gently, so lightly that I almost didn’t notice.
“I’m not sure if I should even ask this… but I’ll be careful……”
“My three sizes?”
“……Jeanie.”
“From the top? Or from the bottom?”
"Are you an old man?"
Rai always looked at me with disdain whenever I acted like a dirty old man.
When he was in his wolf form, his expressions were so vivid that it made me feel gross.
“I’m joking. You were being way too serious. What is it?”
To show that he could speak comfortably, I turned my body again and stepped closer to Ash.
When I stopped half a step away and looked up at him, Ash—who had been the one to stop me—suddenly looked endlessly awkward.
“Well… you……”
“Are you wondering when I’ll kiss you next?”
“……Are you interested in marriage?”
“What? That’s all it was?”
“What do you mean, ‘that’s all’! I agonized over it several times before finally asking. I thought you had no interest in that sort of thing at all, but sometimes the way you talk… it seemed like you had considered it, so… it bothered me.”
How was I supposed to take that?
A man saying he was worried about whether I would get married or not. When he said it with such an embarrassed face, his intention was obvious, but……
"Does he like me that much?"
"I guess so. It's unusual."
"Hey."
"I was going to say I like unusual things too! Will you please listen to the end when a spirit speaks?"
Only after babbling on did Rai seem to remember that he and I would soon be alone. Honestly, I couldn’t kill him even if I wanted to.
“I’m not interested. If I were, I would have done it already. If I had decided to, I would have taken care of it at fourteen like everyone else.”
“I thought so.”
“What about you?”
“……I will have to. Eventually.”
For a member of the imperial family—not even a noble—but a strong candidate for the throne to reach this age without even a fiancée was quite unusual.
If I decided not to marry, people would pester me, but I could endure it.
I had three older brothers to carry on the family line, and my parents were the type to actively respect my opinions.
The fact that our family wasn’t that prestigious also meant we were relatively free from political marriages.
In that sense, Ash’s position was completely different from mine.
For the imperial family, marriage wasn’t a question of whether to do it or not, but a matter of how powerful a faction one could obtain. That would change many things. It was only natural that the weight we placed on marriage was different.
“I think you’re the more questionable one. You’re part of the imperial family, aren’t you? You’re already old enough to have a child……”
I hadn’t even said anything lewd, yet this man was blushing and biting his lip. It was hard to imagine him rolling around in bed with someone, but I was certain that if he did, he would be a good husband.
Lately, I had been thinking that more and more.
If only Ash had been born into a more ordinary family, wouldn’t he have been happier?
“I am quite late. Among my siblings, I am now the only one who hasn’t even gotten engaged.”
“Exactly. So this isn’t the time for you to be wondering about my marriage status.”
I took one more step forward, pushing Ash into the shadowy blind spot behind the door.
Whenever the atmosphere felt like it was just the two of us, Ash’s gaze would deepen as it fixed on me.
“……I feel like I’m still lacking to take responsibility for someone.”
“You?”
“My position is still precarious. I don’t have a proper hold on anything.”
“That’s why political marriages are done—to gain stability.”
Of course, I wasn’t a suitable candidate for that. Even if I were, I wouldn’t want it, and Ash knew that better than anyone.
“I know it sounds foolish, but I don’t want to make someone suffer the way my mother did. I don’t believe happiness can be found in a place like that.”
“So you’re going to stay single for life?”
By “a place like that,” he meant the concubines’ quarters inside the imperial palace.
A strange place that never stayed empty no matter how many people died there.
“You can’t remain single if you want to become emperor.”
“That’s true.”
“Ash, you have to choose someone.”
For some reason, I felt like I was tormenting him.
Even though Ash was smiling faintly in the shadows, even though I was holding the tips of his fingers and stepping closer, I still felt that way.
“You know you need someone who will protect you.”
When I held his hand, I could hear his heart. And one of Ash’s great qualities was…… how perfectly his inner thoughts matched the words that came out of his mouth.
Learning that someone was truly without falsehood was a painful thing.
Because it made me grow even weaker toward him.
“……I know. I know I need someone by my side. I also know that person cannot be someone I love. No. I know it absolutely cannot be. If I would only make them unhappy, I hope it isn’t that person.”
“Ash.”
“I’m simply afraid. Afraid of the fact that I… will make someone else unhappy with these feelings.”
I wasn’t a gentle person, so I didn’t know how to speak kindly in moments like this.
I knew what kind of fear Ash was feeling, what guilt he was already suffering from, and yet how he was forced to make a choice that made his heart bleed. I knew all of it, and still I said nothing.
What could I possibly say?
That I didn’t love him as much as he loved me, but I hoped he would marry someone, bring in a bride in name only, and become emperor even if it made someone unhappy?
That I cheered for him, but I couldn’t become any more serious with him than this? That I felt a deep satisfaction in the fact that even though he wanted me so badly, he couldn’t bind me?
That I liked the way he loved someone?
It was selfish, but those were my honest feelings.
I liked Ash very much, but I didn’t love him enough to overcome hardship together with him.
I was confident I wouldn’t be hurt even if Ash married another woman.
“There’s no way you would make someone unhappy. I trust you. Because I believe in you.”
That was the best comfort I could offer.
I simply covered everything else and spoke only one thing that was sincere.
If I told him the truth, the one who would be hurt would be Ash. Even though it was closer to blunt than gentle, not affectionate at all, Ash seemed to find some peace of mind in it.
“Thank you. If possible, I wish things could stay like this, but……”
“That will be difficult.”
Feeling his chaotic heart settle through the ring, I smiled a little.
“Jeanie, please understand this. I think about you… far, far more than you believe. And I wish for your happiness. I will make sure no one—not a single person—can make you unhappy.”
—Even myself.
“I know. That’s why I like you.”
“……Sometimes I feel like you can see right through me.”
Because I really could.
At some point, simply smiling at each other wasn’t enough. Ash pulled my hand, lowered his head, and pressed his lips to my fingertips.