A Kiss Without Love
"It's completely unrelated!"
"Huh? I just wanted to see your face after so long."
He had acted like he would do anything for me, yet he quickly pulled away from my touch.
Getting Ash to remove his necklace was harder than putting a bell on a dragon's neck. Assuming that dragon was Magi, of course.
"It won't work. Enk and Gail will be back soon."
"Tsk. I saved your life and this is the thanks I get?"
"You clearly said it would only be once before..."
"Sigh, this is why they say saving a black-haired beast is pointless. After all the trouble I went through to save you. I saved you with such difficulty. Aigo, head, shoulders, knees, and toes. I must have anemia from throwing up too much blood."
Pretending to feel dizzy and touching his forehead once was all it took.
"...Wait. In that case."
As expected, the wicked side triumphs over justice.
I finally prodded Ash's conscience and obtained what I wanted.
Before leaving the forest, we stopped the horses beneath a deep tree shadow, and Ash removed his necklace once again.
It was always done with caution and secrecy.
How should I describe it? Every time this guy—who seemed like he could live without rules—broke an important one and took off the necklace, I felt an inexplicable sense of satisfaction.
It might have been an arrogant act, a desire to confirm that I was special to him.
Of course, seeing those vivid golden eyes was a pleasure in itself. They were more beautiful than the moon in the night sky.
Yes, I finally understood.
Ash resembled the night sky of Heidricke.
I toyed with his jet-black hair, gazed into his eyes, and said what I had been wanting to tell him all along.
My little friend, who had grown so much that he had somehow become a man.
"Ash. I'm so glad you're alive."
"...Jeanie."
"What? Fallen for me again? Just say you like me... When did you get so big?"
Stroking his fair cheek and confirming its warmth was also my way of confirming I hadn't been wrong. It was a small swell of pride at having saved him.
"You're wrong."
"Huh?"
"I... I love you. It's not mere liking... It's unbearable. To the point I'd want to become your slave."
The moment I heard those words, I didn't know how to respond.
Hearing the confession with no escape, I felt a slight confusion.
Kids shouldn't say things like that. My little friend shouldn't have such heated eyes. Ash shouldn't...
"I... don't know what love is."
"I learned it after meeting you."
"Even if you say you love me, I can only think, 'I see.' It doesn't stir anything in me."
Before I knew it, Ash had seized the right hand that had been touching his cheek.
Men's hands really are large.
"That'll do. As long as it isn't the tragedy of you finding me unpleasant and refusing to even hold me in your heart... for now, that's enough."
"Your dreams are really small."
"Jeanie, I'm a man who dreams of becoming emperor. And I dream of a more ideal world than anyone else. Would someone like me have small dreams?"
"...I suppose not?"
"What feels even more difficult than that is winning your heart."
Wouldn't that be harder?
I thought it but didn't say it aloud, instead staring intently at Ash's face, which seemed somehow different from usual.
How could he make his eyes burn with such passion? How could he speak each word with such resolute lips, as if making a vow?
I couldn't tear my gaze from Ash's face, which was etched with tension.
The man's face—filled with thoughts of me and stripped of all composure—was quite appealing.
As I continued staring persistently without blinking, Ash lowered his eyes as if in surrender. He released my hand and parted his lips weakly.
"This is how it is. My heart and yours point in different directions. That's why I have no choice but to wait. Even in this moment, I feel the urge to kiss you... but you... have no such thoughts, do you?"
"No. I have plenty of thoughts."
"But they're not about me, are they?"
"Hmm, true. I mostly think about myself."
The reason Ash seemed pitiful was because—even to myself—I was someone whose romantic cells had completely withered away. My head knew that my heart was supposed to race at times like this, but that was all.
Instead, I possessed other things.
Curiosity, goodwill, and possessiveness.
"Still, Ash? If you kissed me out of gratitude, I probably wouldn't get angry."
"...Yes...?"
"Want to try?"
"What... should I... do?"
"The kind of kiss you'd give your lifesaver. I'll accept that much. How about it?"
Ash looked like he was seriously doubting what he'd just heard.
The way his eyes darted left and right said it all.
"You said you wanted to kiss me. Go ahead. On the lips, preferably."
I widened my eyes and leaned my face closer. I decided to guide him so there would be no confusion.
I raised my index finger, pressed it to my lower lip, and smiled, making my intention perfectly clear.
I knew it was sudden, but Ash had been the one to bring it up first.
"Let's do it."
When I urged him again, Ash stepped backward, even opening his mouth in protest.
"Are you... joking? Does playing with my heart entertain you?"
"Busted, huh."
I was curious what a kiss would feel like, and interested to see if it was truly something that could shake the soul.
Since he liked me that much, giving him a kiss wasn't too difficult.
Above all, lips don't wear out.
I figured I might as well try it once as an experiment.
The problem was that all my thoughts showed plainly on my face, and Ash began to grow angry.
"Isn't this too much? No matter how much it's you... I'm serious. Please don't toy with my sincerity so easily on a whim. Even if you won't accept my heart, at least cherish it. Jeanie."
"I'm cherishing it—that's why I'm offering the kiss."
"Jeanie!"
"What exactly is the problem? You're the one who said you wanted to do it first."
In some countries a kiss is simply a greeting, so why was he being so difficult?
Unlike me, Ash was a man who took everything far too seriously.
Believing that love was absolutely necessary for a kiss was the stuff of fairy tales.
"What I want isn't this."
"So you're not going to do it?"
Sitting atop the horse and looking down at him, Ash's face was unusually clear. The subtle changes I couldn't see when looking up were now visible.
He agonized, grew breathless, and then firmly refused.
"I won't do it like this. Not unless it's a moment when we're both being true to each other...!"
He really was stubborn.
That only made me want to steal it more.
The first kiss of a man pure in both body and heart—what a tempting act.
My plan was perfect.
I got to experience the kiss I'd been curious about, and I managed to keep the obedient prince in my pond.
The only obstacle was that Ash wasn't the type to fall easily for my schemes.
I decided to employ a few more tricks. I let my golden hair—which he clearly favored—fall below my shoulders and drew my body closer.
Just as he had confessed, I confessed as well.
"It's my first kiss."
Ash froze exactly where he had been retreating.
"You're really not going to do it?"
"Th-that..."
"What if, when my whims are sparkling, another man is by my side? Can you guarantee there won't be someone in my life more attractive, kinder, and more obedient to my tastes than you?"
I see. Men really are adorable creatures. When they can't overcome their affection for me and crumble, when they break something within themselves and inevitably surrender to me.
I reached out to Ash, who had completely collapsed.
I touched the chin of the boy who claimed he disliked kisses without love, stroked the nose and cheeks of his true face, and laughed aloud.
"Ash, what does it feel like to kiss someone you like?"
"...I can't tell you."
"Huh? Teach me. I'll kiss you if you do."
I'm curious.
Whispering, I brought my face closer and closer. Then our lips met. It happened so naturally that I couldn't tell who moved first.
But I could feel through our lips just how tense Ash was.
Since I sat higher on the horse, I had to lean down, and Ash had to tilt his chin up.
The tips of Ash's fingers tucked my hair behind my ear and slowly cupped my cheek.
I liked that touch very much.
I closed my eyes and thought.
Who was kissing right now? Was it me, or Ash? It was clear who was trembling.
Overlapping lips was less significant than I'd imagined. But the strange current that made me press my lips to his again was far more stimulating.
Even though we had clearly parted, the look in his eyes as he gazed at me drew me in as if enchanted, and our lips met once more.
When the kiss grew slower and deeper, I realized it felt even better. I parted my lips slightly. I also realized when this act truly shone.
It was when I could feel that the other person liked me.
When their desire for me came through along with their warmth.
Not long after we arrived at the empty house, Enk and Gail returned.
At the sound of hooves breaking the silence, I looked out the window and saw horses galloping toward us, laden with heavy game.
I couldn't help but welcome the meat suppliers.
"What did you catch?"
I asked, leaning halfway out the door. The pair brightened immediately and rode straight toward me.
"Miss Jeanie! You're awake!"
"Thank goodness! We were so worried!"
I humored the fussing men for a moment, then checked what they had brought.
My interest was, of course, in that.
There was a large wild boar, along with plenty of rabbits and various birds. Every creature was plump and satisfyingly heavy.
My stomach wasn't great today, so I wouldn't eat any, but I could manage tomorrow or the day after.
"We didn't know what you'd prefer, so we caught everything!"
"Our lifesaver likes meat, so we really went all out!"
"You should've seen Gail. He was so motivated he nearly wiped out every beast in the forest we finally found."
"Well done. There's meaning in having saved you after all."
This much. Just a tiny bit. When I made a small shape with my hand, the two burst into laughter and then looked around.
"But where's Ash? He was stuck to Miss Jeanie's side the whole time. Strange that he's not here."
"Right? He's not the type to leave your side."
"Over there."
I pointed out Ash, who was demonstrating advanced stealth techniques at a rather odd moment.
He sat in the shadow of a collapsed wall, blankly polishing his sword. He'd been doing exactly that ever since we arrived.
That is—ever since I kissed him.
"What are you doing...?"
"...Why is he like that? Did something happen?"
Anyone could tell at a glance that he was completely out of it.
There was no way he was actually polishing a sword while sitting in the dark, and the fact that he didn't stir even after Enk and Gail returned was proof enough that something was wrong.
"I don't know."
"......"
I gave a light shrug, playing innocent, but Enk and Gail clearly didn't believe me.