I Am the Doll She Hugs to Sleep
The Saint was fast asleep, clutching my waist tightly with both arms. Her face was buried against my chest, and the sound of her breathing—so peaceful and rhythmic—eased the tension from my own body just by listening to it. The Saint’s warm body heat radiated gently into me. The cozy warmth that drove away the room’s chill wrapped around me like a soft blanket. Perhaps that was why the drowsiness I hadn’t fully shaken off came creeping back. My eyelids slowly drooped. My strength gradually drained away to the sound of her even breaths. And so I sank once more into quiet darkness. At least until the Saint began to stir in my arms.
“Mmm…”
My eyes snapped open. At that small sound, her arms seemed to tighten around my waist. The Saint nuzzled her face against my chest. My heart plummeted. Now completely awake, my body went rigid with tension.
What is this? What’s happening? How did it come to this?
I slowly lowered my stiff neck and looked down at her. The Saint’s eyes were still tightly closed. Her breathing remained calm. The unbelievable sight made me pinch my cheek as hard as I could. It wasn’t a dream; the sting came instantly.
“…Ow. That hurts.”
“Mm?”
“Ah, no. I mean… Wait, should I not be speaking?”
Even though I’d muttered it quietly, the Saint’s brow furrowed slightly. A wave of anxiety hit me—what if I woke her? …What do I do? Let her wake up? No, waking her now might make things even worse, right?
At a complete loss, I floundered for a moment before carefully patting her back. It seemed to work. The murmuring gradually stopped, and her peaceful breathing returned. I let out a sigh of relief, then immediately covered my face with both hands.
Is this really the right thing to do?
I glanced down again. Thankfully, the Saint’s expression had smoothed back into relaxation. The slight frown between her brows had vanished, and the corners of her lips curved into a faint smile, as if she were having a happy dream.
…At least she’s sleeping well. Wait, is that even a good thing? I have no idea what’s going on anymore.
A groan slipped out of me. I quickly clapped a hand over my mouth in case it woke her. She was still breathing softly, deeply asleep. In the chilly room, her peaceful form felt especially warm. Yet within that calm, a question rose.
Wait. Why is she sleeping in my arms in the first place? Of course this is the Saint’s bed, but still.
My mind grew tangled. Until I had fallen asleep, the Saint had definitely not been in the bed. In fact, she hadn’t even been in the room. Although, since it was her own room, she could sleep here if she felt tired, but—
Then shouldn’t she have woken me first! …Or did I sleep so deeply that she couldn’t wake me?
Every time I heard her breathing, countless thoughts raced through my head. In contrast to my chaotic mind, the Saint remained asleep with an innocent face. The faint smile on her lips revealed a sense of relief, as though she were in the safest place in the world. Seeing that only made my head hurt more; I had no idea what to do.
If I woke the Saint now, it might only complicate things further. Explaining the situation would be difficult, and if she felt too guilty, that would be another problem. …For now, I should try to get out of the bed.
Just then, the Saint shifted. Her fingers loosened, and the arm around my waist slackened slightly. T-thank goodness. At this rate, even if I suddenly disappeared, the chances of her waking seemed low. I carefully pulled down the blanket that had been covering my view and traced the Mark of Death in the center of the room. It was one of a reaper’s abilities. Not only could it track the location of a marked target, but it also allowed instant movement to any place where the mark had been inscribed. It was usually used for long-distance travel or tracking souls and transgressors, but…
To think I’d end up using it for something like this.
A twinge of self-loathing rose, but given the circumstances, I had no choice. Perhaps because I had lowered the blanket, the Saint began to toss again.
“…Mmm, it’s cold.”
“Cold? Wait, why am I even responding?”
I thought I should hurry and move, then tuck the blanket around her properly, but at that moment the Saint’s hand tightened again, pulling me closer. She hugged me even more firmly, as if clinging to a pillow.
“…I’m doomed.”
I tried to slip away gently, but the Saint only burrowed closer with greater strength. Even in her sleep, she seemed unwilling to let me go; her embrace grew tighter. As a result, our bodies pressed together far more closely than before. The comforting warmth became even more vivid. Every time she moved, a faint floral scent rose from her hair. Each time that fragrance tickled my nose, my mind went completely blank.
…What on earth am I supposed to do?
At this rate, even if I used the mark to move, she would immediately notice the empty space. I nearly let out a deep sigh at the impossible situation, but I held it in, afraid the sound might wake her. On top of that, perhaps because of the unexpected predicament, my heart had been pounding violently since earlier. I was worried she might wake from the sound of it alone. To make matters worse, the Saint rubbed against me again, pulling me even closer.
“Saint, please.”
“…Mm, so warm.”
I heard her murmur in a small voice. A soft, satisfied chuckle—pfuhuhu—brushed against my ear, as if my body temperature pleased her. The situation had grown so tangled that I even began to think, Whatever, what does it matter now? In a mood of resignation, I patted the Saint’s back.
…Fine. She says it’s warm, so that’s something.
Wondering if she was sleeping well, I stole a glance at her. The way she breathed softly looked so utterly innocent that a strange feeling stirred inside me. She must have been exhausted after nursing me for three days. For now, the priority is just letting her sleep.
I decided to abandon thinking altogether. Instead, I repeated a single phrase in my mind, over and over.
I am a doll she hugs while sleeping. I am a doll she hugs while sleeping. I am a doll she hugs while sleeping.
“Mmm…”
“…I am a doll. Ah, I shouldn’t make noise…”
Every time the Saint moved, I sped up the repetition in my head… And so I spent the entire night with my eyes wide open, until the Saint quietly stretched and woke as morning arrived.
“Mmm—.”
Watching her stretch her arms upward, I felt relief inside. I could finally escape my fate as a doll. But as if determined to shatter my hopes, the Saint pulled me back into her arms again.
…Someone save me.
I covered my face with both hands and muttered “I am a doll” once more. At that moment, I sensed movement below. When I cautiously lowered my hands, the Saint was staring straight at me. Just as I wondered how to explain this, she gave a soft, sleepy smile and murmured in a languid voice.
“…Good morning.”
“…Yes. Good morning.”
If you’re awake now, could you please save this pitiful reaper?
Perhaps my prayer reached her. The Saint, who had been lazily rubbing her eyes, slowly rose from the bed.
“Did you sleep well?”
“……Yes, well.”
I slept deeply until I realized you were in my arms.
Unlike me, who had been tormented by confusion all night, the Saint looked perfectly composed. Seeing her like that only left me more bewildered. Was this a cultural difference? Was it completely natural in this world? Should I just accept it and move on?! But no matter how I thought about it, my common sense refused to accept any of it. In that case…
“Um, Saint.”
“Yes?”
“May I… ask why you lay down beside me?”
I had no choice but to ask for a clear explanation. At my question, the Saint blinked. She tilted her head for a moment, then answered as if it were nothing.
“It was cold.”
“……Pardon?”
Her utterly casual answer emptied my mind completely.
“While I was nursing you, I dozed off and it felt chilly.”
“Ah, I see…”
“So I climbed into bed half-asleep… and it was warm. Much warmer than I expected.”
“…I suppose so.”
It was strange. Why couldn’t I accept it even after hearing the reason? The explanation was so simple and clear. The room was cold, the bed was warm, so she got in. Then why—why did my mind only grow more confused? I covered my face with trembling hands and took a deep breath.
“…Next time.”
“Yes?”
“Next time, please wake me. I’ll move right away.”
The Saint nodded slowly. Just as I thought that was the end, her quiet murmur stopped me in my tracks.
“…It was even warmer because Sashin was there.”
“Saint—!”
“Oh, yes?”
…This was impossible. I lowered my head and said, “Are there any other rooms where I could stay?”
“A-another room?”
“Yes. A storage room, a small closet—anywhere is fine.”
The Saint jumped in surprise and grabbed my sleeve.
“A storage room or closet? You want to stay in a place like that?”
“…Yes. If there’s nothing else, I can camp in the hallway or outside.”
“Absolutely not! You’ve only just woken up!”
The Saint planted both hands on her hips, furrowed her brows slightly, and glared at me. It was completely different from her usual timid, quiet demeanor. For a moment I stared at her in astonishment. Then she quickly returned to her normal self, fidgeting and mumbling.
“…Was it uncomfortable?”
“Ah…”
How should I answer? Telling the truth felt wrong, but my face had already given everything away. I composed my expression and chose my words as gently as possible.
“I’m the type who can’t sleep if someone is next to me.”
“…But I liked it.”
The expression I had carefully arranged crumbled at her single sentence. The Saint was fidgeting with her fingertips. Yet her gaze remained fixed on me—quiet, yet resolute, as if silently conveying her feelings.
“It was warm because Sashin was there, and it’s been so long since I slept so deeply.”
“That… um.”
“…So it was really nice.”
Her shy, softly murmured words were utterly honest. But that honesty only made me more flustered. In the end, I sank to the floor and muttered.
“…Just this once, please let it go.”
“H-huh?! Why are you suddenly like this?”
The Saint hurried over and crouched in front of me. With a worried face, she studied my expression, then asked in a small voice.
“Then… would you like to use my room, Sashin? Or I can sleep on the floor…”
“…No. Please, just give me another room.”
And so, after much difficulty, I managed to secure a different room.