Worries, Conflicts, and.... (3)
“.........”
“......”
Tap. Tap.
The soju glasses were already empty, and I was just idly drumming on the table.
“Why?”
“Hm? Why what?”
“Hehe. You’ve gone quiet.”
“I need time to think, too.”
“Think about what?”
“Hold on.”
I filled my empty glass to the brim with soju and hurriedly called out to the passing owner lady.
“Ma’am, two fried rice bowls here, please.”
Yesul just stared at me, saying nothing.
Ignoring her gaze, I brought the freshly poured soju to my lips and downed it in one go.
“Kugh. No matter how much I drink, it’s still so damn bitter. Or rather, at some point, it stopped tasting like booze and just felt like straight-up alcohol.”
“Isn’t booze alcohol? What’s the difference?”
At my vague words, Yesul shot back with a puzzled look, like she couldn’t make sense of it.
“You know that sharp, pungent smell when you first crack open an alcohol lamp in high school chem class? Back when I had no clue about booze, just catching that whiff would make my face scrunch up like ugh.”
“......?”
Yesul still looked utterly lost.
And seeing her like that, I couldn’t help but crack a small smile.
“My first drink was with you—no, with you two. Yunsu and you. Right around the third day after New Year’s, yeah? We hit the comic book cafe, and on the way back, Yunsu and I got into this stupid pride match about who could hold their liquor better, so we bolted straight to that beer joint. That’s the taste that hits me now.”
“........”
“What a pair of idiots. Kids who’d never touched booze before, yapping about how it tastes this or that while knocking back glasses.”
“Yeah... we were.”
“And you? One sip and you flipped the glass over. ‘Why the hell would anyone drink this nasty shit?’ Now look at you, a total lush. Haha!”
“Hehe. I remember. That was the first time I had to babysit two guys.”
“Right, yeah. You were always like that back then—drawing the line firm if something felt off. Worried about what other people thought? What a joke.”
“......”
“Yunsu’s no fool. And for all my flaws, I’m not a total dimwit either. If you’d been some spineless pushover, water-thin or booze-soaked, he’d have gotten you hammered that night and made his move somehow. Hell, no way we’d have even joked about it. Truth is, we had a little bet going between us.”
“....A bet?”
“Yunsu was head over heels for you back then. Whining to me about how you seemed this close to falling for him but never quite did. What was I gonna do, got any bright ideas? So we scoured the internet together. Found this one guy spilling his dating war stories. Guess what he said? Drunk. Straight. Talk. Haha. Advice for rookies with zero game: get sloshed and shoot your shot straight from the heart.”
“........”
“Sure, you could brush it off as drunken nonsense... but it kinda made sense. If it flops, blame the booze, smooth it over, reset the awkwardness. If it lands? Jackpot. Turns out booze gives you guts, breaks the ice... you know. So I told him to chug and confess. Never dreamed the bastard would hesitate and pass out first.”
“True enough. Look at me now, spilling my guts over drinks.”
It wasn’t just Yesul baring her soul with the booze. I was right there with her.
“Be straight with me. When did it start? I don’t buy that accepting Yunsu’s confession was all fake. I’m not an idiot. Screw what other people thought you two looked good together—put that aside. You had to have at least some feelings for him, right?”
“.....I won’t deny it.”
While Yesul and I talked, the owner lady came by with rice, kimchi, eggs, and all the fixings to whip up the fried rice.
With a third party butting in, an awkward silence fell between us.
It didn’t last long, but it was enough time for Yesul to gather her thoughts.
“I don’t know exactly when. But it sure as hell wasn’t some rebound ‘rubber shoe backward’ thing just ‘cause Yunsu shipped out.”
“I know. You’re not that type. Just asking what sparked it.”
“Spark, huh...”
Yesul propped her chin on her hand, pondering how to put it.
Then, as if decided, she looked me in the eye.
“Remember your first mock exam after starting your third year grind?”
“Me? Mock exam?”
Of course I did. Late March, that first one. Some freak miracle hit me—I pulled scores I’d never dreamed of and went nuts celebrating.
“March, right? Late March? About three weeks after I started at the hagwon?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I was agonizing over taking a leave right around then.”
“Huh? Leave?”
I remembered. It was right as my third-year hell kicked off, stress piling up sky-high. Barely two weeks since Yunsu enlisted.
‘I’m thinking of just taking a leave...’
‘What? Didn’t you pay tuition? Can you even do that?’
‘Possible if I apply by March, but no refund.’
‘Damn, that’s wasteful. Just go anyway. What’s up? What do your folks say?’
‘.....Dunno.’
Back then, I figured she was just moping ‘cause Yunsu left. Thought, Even tough-as-nails Yesul’s still a girl at heart.
“Right, you did take that leave. But why bring it up? Something happen?”
I couldn’t recall anything beyond Yunsu’s enlistment. But looking back, Yesul had seemed pretty torn up around then.
Me deciding on third year, Yunsu heading to the army. Our trio scattered in a blink, no take-backs.
I’d already sworn off contact for my grind, and Yunsu’s enlistment was too far gone to delay.
Never had a moment to check on Yesul.
Normally Yunsu’d have my back, but with him gone and me neck-deep in my own mess, no bandwidth left.
“Truth is, Yunsu told me back then. If college felt like a drag, just take a year off. He’d be back by September—maybe sync up somehow. Finish the same grade even if semesters lagged.”
“That punk actually had a mature thought for once?”
I tried cracking a joke, painting Yunsu as the immature one.
But Yesul just shook her head.
“He said it half-joking. I didn’t bite.”
“Didn’t you just say you agonized over leave?”
“......Remember that random call after your first mock exam in March? When you spilled your guts outta nowhere?”
She flipped my question back at me. No clue what she was driving at, but I racked my brain.
“Uh... bragging fest? Reciting my scores all smug, putting on a total show?”
“Hahaha. Close enough. You remember some of it.”
“How could I forget? Died of shame under the covers after. Think I blabbered something dumb like, ‘I’ll be a Korea U student soon—paving the way, wait for me’?”
“That all?”
“Huh?”
I dug deeper into memory.
What’d I say...? Ah!!
“Oh, and I said it sucked... If Yunsu’d been there helping, Korea U might’ve been a cakewalk...?”
“Just Yunsu?”
“Yunsu or... you. Yeah, something like if either of you had been grinding hagwon with me, studying would’ve been easier...”
“Bingo.”
“,,,,,,,”
I’d answered like a suspect under the lights, but still no grasp on her angle. My squeezed-out brain couldn’t keep up.
But...
What the hell? Why drag me into this all of a sudden?
As if reading my mind, Yesul pressed on.
“Got that call from you, decided on leave the next day. Dad hated it, but I dug in my heels. First time I ever overruled him.”
“.........What? What’re you...”
“Hold up—one thing first. I’ve got a question for you.”
She barreled ahead, no pause for my thoughts or doubts.
“My birthday. This kinda place, right? The day you dragged me to that gamjatang joint. Ironic—you crushed that first mock, but bombed the one right before my birthday and showed up all mopey.”
“...........”
“I asked you then. Remember?”
How could I forget? That day rocked me hard.
‘Am I... really right sticking with Yunsu?’
Already down from the mock scores, then that bombshell.
“.....Yeah, I remember.”
“I wanted your take. Hell, just needed you to listen. But you cut me off.”
She’d been about to spill something that day. Maybe not exactly this, but she’d geared up to talk.
“Why’d you... do that back then?”
Why? Never really dissected it.
Everything just... felt shaky. So I bullshitted that gamjatang purity theory to stall her. Kept her there, really.
Why’d I do it?
Asking myself now.
Answer came easy: I was lonely.
Deciding on third year was simple. Walking it? Brutal.
I knew from second year how soul-crushing it was, but no choice.
And knowing made it worse. Pals’ chat profiles flooded with trips, couple pics daily. Not even the pics—contacts faded, group chats that buzzed nonstop went dead quiet.
Out at 7 a.m., home by 10 p.m. Silence greeted me every time.
Couldn’t even vent to Yeon unnie when she checked in.
Fuck, I’m so goddamn lonely.
Muttered it like a mantra a dozen times a day.
And what kept me going? Friends Yesul and Yunsu.
Rock-solid through second year. My smartest, shiniest pals—who’d someday leave me in the dust, stirring that gnawing dread.
They sparked that I’m falling behind self-loathing.
Yet paradoxically, their occasional outstretched hands were my lifeline.
Stepping stones to vow we’d stand side-by-side someday.
What if those two split?
The guy who’d left asking me to watch his girl. The girl turning from that guy.
Could I stay steady between them?
If that last thread snapped, could I hold on?
In the end... not for Yunsu’s sake. Not Yesul’s. Fuck, I’m such a hypocritical, selfish prick.
My gut laid it bare.
Yesul, who’d watched me silently, spoke up.
“Truth? I had plenty of chances to ask you first. Didn’t wanna stab my army-boy in the back... but waffling helped no one, not him, not me. So I planned to visit.”
“Visit?”
“Yeah. Phone or letters? No thanks from me. Wanted to face him, lay out my heart.”
“Then why...?”
If she’d thought it through that far, no need to poll me. I was their friend—strictly third wheel in their romance.
So why me?
“No certainty.”
“Certainty? What certainty?”
Her sharp reply yanked another question from me.
She just gazed at me steadily.
.......Certainty? From me? No way...
Her clear eyes pierced my skull like ice picks.
Past scenes—memories I’d buried—swarmed my head on repeat.
Finally, my mind went white-hot.
What the...?
But Yesul answered my doubt.
“Certainty’s a two-way street. Someone receives, someone gives.”
“Uh......”
My jaw dropped, face draining pale.
“You always tuned into my words... but that day, you were steel. Whoever you were fighting for, that ‘just wait a bit longer’ sounded desperate.”
“.........”
“I get it. Not just for you. Yunsu in the army weighed on you too. But whatever the reason, you begged me to hold out six months till he got back.”
That’s when it hit me.
Those six months I’d tossed out? To her, they meant something else.
Watching Yunsu? To her, a final grace period for her friend suffering in service.
She’d already decided before spilling to me.
Yesul, you...
Leave of absence.
Studying by my side.
Sticking close whenever I wanted to laugh, cry, or vent.
Memories flooded in.
Piece by puzzle piece, it clicked.
I was the one who’d pinned her back down.
I—nobody else—had locked Yesul in that limbo of friend and almost-lover.