Worries, Conflicts, and.... (2)
I'm an only daughter, you know. My parents doted on me endlessly. From the earliest memories of my childhood right up to now, I've never once felt like I was missing anything.
Happy because I was an only child? What, being an only daughter? Nah. It was just that I was so grateful to have such wonderful parents.
Dad would always make sure to see me wake up before heading to work—no matter how busy he was, as long as it didn't make him late. Mom would dress me in the priciest new clothes from fancy brands so I wouldn't feel compared to other kids. And on weekends, they'd take us out somewhere nearby for a little outing. Of course I was happy. And grateful. Hehe.
Not bragging or anything, but even as a little kid, I knew how to appreciate things. One day, I saw these foreign kids on TV dancing along to some pop song. It looked so fun and exciting that I started humming it, and before I knew it, I'd memorized a few English words, reading and writing them on my own. The song was that catchy.
I wanted to show it to Dad and Mom. A bit embarrassing, but I even thought about trying the dance. So I ran to Dad when he got home exhausted from work and put on my cutest act. I was in such a rush to share the song that I just threw myself into his arms. Part of it was this childish whim to perform for them before dinner.
So I sang my heart out. You know this about me, Seonghwan—I'm a total klutz when it comes to rhythm and pitch, right? Don't nod so quick; it kinda hurts my feelings. Anyway, I gave it everything. I hoped Dad and Mom would love it. Maybe they'd sing along or even dance with me. I was really looking forward to it.
And they did love it, just like I hoped. I can still picture it so clearly—Dad clapping and laughing his head off. But here's the thing. Dad praised my pronunciation, saying it was amazing. Mom was thrilled, saying I must be so smart to have memorized all those English words.
Dad, who was so happy seeing me dance and sing, recorded a video of me. Then he found another clip related to those foreign kids and showed it to me, all excited. Unfortunately, it wasn't some upbeat song. It was a choir piece like Holy Night echoing on Christmas Eve. Not exactly thrilling, so I turned to ask Dad for something else...
But his eyes were sparkling with joy. Mom looked expectant too. I was still young, but I guess I was quick on the uptake... I knew right away. So what did I do? I decided to live up to their expectations.
I watched the video Dad saved over and over. Even when I wanted to draw after kindergarten, I held off and practiced singing along instead. It wasn't fun, but every time Dad came home from work and I sang it, he'd light up. I didn't realize until later that it wasn't the song—it was that I'd memorized and pronounced the English right. But it didn't matter. It felt rewarding.
Did I even know what "rewarding" meant back then? Probably just that seeing them happy made me happy too. That's when it started, I think. All the things I liked and wanted to do began aligning with what met Dad and Mom's standards.
I worked hard to memorize multiplication tables faster than other kids, studied Hangul diligently. Perfectly writing English letters? Jackpot. Our parents loved it.
You know I'm shy around strangers, right? What? No, I just seem outgoing around you guys. Truth is, I clam up in front of others. But I mustered the courage to run for class president. What? Don't underestimate elementary school class rep. Even Mom calls it a big deal sometimes.
Did I want to? Well, one day Mom came home saying the neighbor boy had become class president in his class and was bragging so much it made her eyes hurt. But I caught that envious glint in her eye. What could I do? That oppa was someone I knew—super outgoing, tons of friends.
So I smashed my piggy bank and treated my classmates to snacks the next day, all cool-like. Bribery? Come on. Do you think I was that corrupt in elementary school? I made an effort to hang out with friends whenever I could, not just during elections. I'd share treats, play with the mischievous ones, laugh off mean pranks.
Yeah? Actually, I even got confessions. Hehe. Guess boys tease the girls they like? I've been getting confessions since elementary.
But people skills become habits. In middle school, I kept mingling with everyone out of habit. Even kids who talked smack or acted out ended up getting along with me fine. Good, right? Yeah, it was. They praised me to my face, and I could feel their admiring stares behind my back. Nice.
Why the look? That's honestly how I felt. Because... after elementary graduation, starting middle school was brutal.
No, not like that. Suddenly, Dad and Mom's praise dried up. Good grades, good behavior, teacher compliments—it all became "expected." And the friends and teachers who'd looked at me warmly? Gone.
I wasn't just graduating elementary. I was leaving behind people who'd loved and expected so much from me for years. Starting over from scratch. Terrifying. Even scarier was living up to Dad and Mom's belief that I'd ace middle school too. More precisely, the fear of disappointing them.
In my second year of middle school, I lost first place in class for the first time. Why the stare? Haha, no, it's not what you think. Listen. It was no big deal. I messed up one problem I usually nailed.
Second place was a girl I knew; she'd ask me stuff sometimes, and I'd help without hesitation. That day, everything else was easy, so nailing that one should've tied us for first. But nope—second it was.
Couldn't be helped. I told Dad. Figured he'd say it was a fluke, study harder next time. I believed—no, I was convinced he'd say that.
But that evening, after hearing my grades, Dad went silent. Mom quietly cooked. She smiled faintly at the end, saying it was fine... But I'm good at reading people. I saw the flicker of disappointment on Dad's face.
That's when it shifted. Satisfying them became "not disappointing them." Being obedient, studious, popular at school—it raised their expectations sky-high. Do well to break even. You get it, right?
Why the look again? Was it tough? Eh, I've kinda forgotten now... Anyway, after that, I doubled down on being the perfect student. I'd goof around with friends sometimes, but no more slack. Model student, through and through.
Embarrassing, but honestly: I used to try maintaining ties with all kinds of friends. Like I said, habit of getting along. I didn't think it was bad. Because after that, I started picking "good" friends—top students, well-behaved types.
Ridiculous, huh? But adults around me—most everyone—said that's how it should be. For my sake. Stick to friends who match you. It'll help you. What could I do? Dad, Mom, close friends all said it. I had to follow to avoid disappointing them.
Middle school only? Nah, high school too. Even more rigidly. Obsession-level. I lived by what people told me: behavior that suits me, grades matching my effort, friends who fit. That's right, I thought. Only way to keep being "me."
Of course, I didn't feel it then. Or... I did, senior year. One day, in my routine—waking at set time, eating Mom's breakfast, greeting parents, heading out—I spotted that boy from the bus sometimes.
Humming with earphones in, some unknown tune. Then whipping out his phone to fiddle with something. Total chaos just watching. Saw him again next day. More mumbling, phone tapping. Unstable? Heh... no, it made me smile.
Anyway. Phone, music, occasional calls. Messy, frantic. Hohoho, sorry, random laugh. You know how it is—eating, standing in the street, sitting in the park, and something catches your eye.
That's what it was. At first. But weirdly, we kept "running into" each other. Once, twice—those eye-catching moments repeat, and what happens? You start looking forward to it!
No, not like that. No crush. And our class had plenty of scatterbrains. Not a taste thing!! Just... opposite vibe? Haha, listen.
I was always conscious of eyes on me—friends, teachers, parents. Kept everyone's standards in mind. I believed that was right. But him? Like he was pleading, Don't judge me by your standards. Or I like this, what can I do? with those pitiful eyes. Giggle, no. More like deliberately acting that way. Not rebellion. Just... image. My projection, maybe. Who knows. My thoughts.
Huh? Talked to him? Eh... later on that. Don't nag. You promised to hear me out. Knowing him didn't make me rebel. Was I stalking? Please—would I be at Korea University if so? Hahaha. Seriously, not a deviation. Just glancing? Too harsh to call that rebellion.
It was a little daily episode slipping into my routine. Repeat plays, but familiar's comforting? Barely 15 minutes anyway. Nothing changed. My life wouldn't crumble over a fleeting moment. I kept grinding, meeting expectations.
Then I "happened" to meet you guys. Yeah, you and Yun-su... Remember our first meeting? I got all dolled up, super excited. No, not that excited. I'll explain later. Calm down!
One question: At the blind date start, I knew you guys were whispering. Why the face? Told you, sharp eyes. Yun-su picked me, huh? Knew it... While he chatted me up, none of you approached. So you? What about you? Trying to set me up with Yun-su like the others? Hmph, figures. Nah, it's fine. Ancient history.
Ancient... Anyway, fine. Our girls whispered too. Curious? You'll get hurt? Hohohoho. Funny part? I said nothing... No intentions... But suddenly, vibe was me and Yun-su pairing up. Our private girl talk! I swear!
No real thoughts. But they took it that way. We match so well. I just wanted to chat, laugh freely with everyone after the grueling CSAT. My hard-earned freedom!! Thought I could finally let loose.
But chains that bound you once don't snap easy. Like movies—long-term prisoners miss jail even outside. Habits: hard to form, harder to break.
Huh? No complaints. Yun-su... better looking, smarter than you. Pfft. Hohohoho. But you had fun too, right? Be honest. Hanging with you guys? Blast. Most shocking memory? Ghost room—you bawling, snot everywhere. Pfft. Hohohoho. Yeah, teasing. Always have, always will. Teasing you... playing... fun.
Days flew by blissfully. Home felt dreamlike. Thought it'd last forever. But you flunked, retook exams. Tch. I wanted more fun, more hangs. Believed we three could go on.
What? You cut contact? Thought you joined a temple. Noryangjin to our hood's far—suddenly ghosting, changing, big talk. You turning with that I'll be back—I held back laughs. Giggle snort. Ahem... fine. At least same uni as Yun-su. He helped a ton. Said it—I'm shy.
Remember asking why no new college friends/seniors? High school social butterfly, but college hermit? Didn't wanna anymore. Tired of minding eyes. Adult now, fancy uni—wanted to do me. Giggle. Weird hearing me say that? But true. Loner life's perks? No forced smiles, no strict times, no primping.
Real talk. But then Mia said... Mia? Don't remember? Meeting matcher. Heh. Short hair girl. Grown out now? Anyway, she said Yun-su's pitiful. Smart, handsome guy chasing me—why kick him? Stop the push-pull.
Wasn't that. No plans. But... she wasn't wrong. Same school, looks, caring, funny... Now? Obvious advice. I accepted it obviously. They said we matched perfectly. Golden couple. Soulmates.
Yeah. No excuses. Even choosing love, I chased expectations. Thought it right. Even in romance, picked Yun-su like the answer key.
Swore I'd change at college... Yeah. Now... regretting. Or maybe before.