Regret
The human body can distinguish between pain inflicted to damage or attack itself and pain that has no significant impact on physical health—did you know that? And the latter, for those accustomed to the sensation, can even manifest as pleasure due to the release of endorphins. There's that saying, isn't there? "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Ah, of course, the meaning of that quote has nothing to do with the above. That famous line contains philosophical depth that ancient Greeks or philosophy grad students job-hunting could grasp—it's not a metaphor for something so sordid. I just used it because it fit the current situation too perfectly. Haven't you had moments like that? Like when you vigorously massage a sore spot on your calf or muscles. Or peeling off the scab from a long, torn wound with your fingernail. Cauterizing an oral ulcer with some medication to treat it. Squeezing and lancing an inflamed, pus-filled wound to drain the gunk. The sting of alcohol dripping onto tiny cuts from a sharp object. Acts so excruciatingly painful you want to stop immediately, yet strangely addictive, making you crave more. That inexplicable catharsis rising from deep within the chest. Yes. That's what I was feeling right now.
"Hah, ah, aaah—!?"
"........."
The bandages came undone, and something slick slid over my exposed eyes. A human tongue. Every time Ellie's tongue passed over the wound, my tightly clenched lips parted slightly, letting out sounds. My body twitched involuntarily, like electricity was coursing through it. But her legs, her hands, her soft body wrapped around me everywhere, refusing to let go. I could only flail meaninglessly, helpless. Like a snake constricting its prey. Kkwa-dduduk, you know. In the end, the snake would gape its jaws wide and swallow the prey whole. In one bite. All of it. Gulp.
"Mmph... ha... haa... s-sis... s-stop...!!"
".....—"
Waaah, baby Aris....! Maybe because I'd kept my eyes shut tight ever since moving into this house, the loss of that vital sense had sharpened my other sensations. What a mistake... Unnecessary details flooded my mind—things I wouldn't have noticed before: the direction her tongue moved, where her breath touched, the pressure of her grip on my hand. Ellie clutched my left hand—pierced by the arrow—with both of hers and pressed her mouth to it. Her tongue seemed to probe the coin-sized hole there. Lick, lick. Electricity surged through me. I wanted to escape. Enduring the pain, I yanked my left hand away. Whether she noticed my state or not, she only tightened her coils, preventing escape.
—Kkwaaaak!
"...I-it hurts! Ah, ah... Ellie, Ellie sis—!!"
"......."
As a last resort, I screamed that it hurt. Of course, it wasn't that painful—nothing deadly. But even I could only endure this much; a normal little girl would be wailing and thrashing by now. I spoke with the hope she'd snap out of it and go easy. Though a bit of that was wishing she'd feel sorry and guilty later. This humiliation... I'll repay it someday. Yet she remained silent, entranced, her ministrations on my wounds showing no sign of softening. If anything, they intensified a little.
"...—Aaaah!!!"
"......"
The kind Ellie sis who used to rush over whenever I cried out in pain was gone. She gripped my left arm with both hands, freeing her right—but that was all. I could do nothing, just leaning against her body, gasping raggedly. Squeeze. I clutched her sleeve, desperately stifling my moans. My body, numb to much pain, only worsened the torment. Would it have been different if I'd felt the agony more acutely? As she licked the wounds and sucked out the mysterious fluid pooling there, coolness and itchiness overpowered any hurt. Pain I was used to, but this ambiguous sensation defied habituation. Why are you drinking it like it's so delicious...!!
"J-just... a little gentler—!!"
"......"
In moments like this, I wished my sense of touch had dulled instead of smell or taste. The ongoing acts shattered rational thought. My mind fogged like mist, empty. Coolness and warmth. Pain and affection. Contradictory emotions impossible to coexist swirled within. Squeeze. I just squeezed my eyes shut, praying she'd come to her senses or the moment would end.
"S-sis, snap, snap out of it—!!!"
"....Haa."
Before I knew it, my body vibrated in sync with hers, as if becoming part of her. Her curves pressed against me where we touched. Pushing her face away with my right hand did nothing. Embarrassing. Ticklish. I wanted to flee under the covers right now. Just fall asleep like this.
"—Hwah!? Wh-what, th-that... grk!"
"......."
Finally, her tongue left the back of my hand. With the wave of sensation gone, I sighed in relief. So... exhausting.
"....Huh...?"
"....Haa, haa."
But from her breath on my skin, I sensed her head descending—and my face paled. From left arm to shoulder... shoulder to collarbone... past chest, inching slowly downward. Like a snake slithering. Slow, but certain. My screams grew louder in response.
Stop...!! Really, stop!!
That spot—the largest wound on my body, stabbed multiple times before.
"..Ah, aaah....!"
"........."
My stomach burned like fire. The disinfection? It had only just begun.
Tightly shut lips, yet moans leaked through the gaps. Screams lamenting pain beyond limits. Pitiful pleas begging her to stop. A storm had swept through the room. When I came to my senses, I stood before the child collapsed on the bed, curled up as if fainted, gasping for breath. What... have I done?
The child still trembled, trapped in waves of agony. Tears streaked her cheeks, undried.
I lost control....!!
I hadn't restrained myself. Today must have been utter torment for her.
"Ah.....I...!!"
".....Sis...."
Even so, her wounds visibly filled with new flesh—however slightly. This ritual, disguised as treatment, a daily morning torture. Treatment.
"Treatment, yes, it's treatment. That's right..."
Yes, all for her swift recovery. So—
"This is... all for this child—"
"—No...."
"Ah.....It... hurts......"
"Ellie... sis......."
—Thud.
"......!!"
The child receded from view. A hard wall pressed against my back. From the impact, I realized I had stumbled away from her.
The metallic tang of blood lingered in my mouth even now. And my mouth savored it like exquisite cuisine. I'd deceived her for my own sake, using her like food—and nausea surged toward empty air. But my body refused to expel the long-craved human blood. If anything, it hungered for more.
—Endure it. Endure.
Deceiving, exploiting, betraying. I was becoming the very people I'd despised deep down. Her tightly shut eyes, trusting my words utterly, clinging with all her might. Terrified those eyes—now fainted away—might glare at me with resentment, I hurriedly bandaged them anew.
I'm sorry... truly, sorry.....
"Haa.... haa..."
My hands swiftly wrapped the bandages around her eyes. It wouldn't absolve me, but I bandaged the rest, changed the sweat- and saliva-soaked sheets and blankets.
Yes, at first it was mere whim. That frail child, meant to die alone on the cold riverbank—if she'd survived by luck, I'd have killed her myself. But her faint mutter reached me, and before I knew it, I'd brought her home and tended her.
Affection. Yes, it must have built up. This pure love she gave someone like me. Feeling it after so long, I couldn't let her go. Even so, once she recovered somewhat, I should have sent her back. While she could still escape the pain.
But I didn't.
"I know... I know too...!"
Hoping she'd find some peace, I gently closed the door and headed to the kitchen. So hypocritically. The monster who'd wrecked her was me.
I must let her go. But that child calling me 'Ellie' with those adorable lips was so lovable—leaning on her cane, tottering toward me, throwing her whole body into my arms—that I grew greedy.
Just a little more. Until these wounds fully healed. Then return her to her family. But now I wavered. Keep her, or release her. Betray, or confess the truth.
"........."
Entering the kitchen, my eyes caught the mirror on the table. The culprit of that pathetic scene stared blankly back, expression unchanging—as if no emotions existed.
Black hair, filthy as gathered grime, repulsive to touch or behold. Body parts unchangeable despite mimicking human form: eyes blood-red, vertically slit like a beast's pupils. A rigid face conveying no feelings, only coldness.
You.. are a monster...!!
.....Why are you running from me, Alice?
Long ago, someone called me monster. Yes, a monster. An irredeemable one. What would the child think if she learned the woman she trusted ate people? If I admitted knowing her longed-for past, but hid it to keep her from leaving—would she resent me?
Treatment, I called it. Sweet lies to a child past the worst, now just convalescing—inflicting pain to suck blood while "healing." Truth was chaining a helpless child to depend only on me, preventing flight. Reveling in her screams, sating base greed.
Yes. It was like—
—I'd captured her, imprisoned her, raised her like livestock.
"....The worst. Utterly the worst."
Thud, I slammed my head on the table. Preparing lunch came much later.