But I Like You
“I'm sorry I didn't come introduce myself first. Still, it's wonderful to see you after so long.”
I recited my lines one after another, determined not to let an awkward silence settle over the room. I'd run through this scenario countless times in my head, so my mind was moving quickly now.
My adoptive father opened his mouth with a stammer.
“Thank you… for saying that. We should have reached out first, we really should have—”
“Please, don't.”
I cut him off the moment his voice began to sink. I knew interrupting an elder was rude, but I had no choice. Too many eyes were watching here, too many ears listening. The safest thing was to hide anything that might invite speculation about our relationship.
“And congratulations on Euntaek's debut, truly. You must be so proud.”
When I smiled brightly and steered the conversation elsewhere, my adoptive father managed a stiff smile in return. Lee Euntaek rolled his eyes from somewhere in the middle of it all, and my adoptive mother still refused to meet my gaze.
This seat is uncomfortable in every possible way.
This much should do. It was more than enough courtesy to show the parents of a hyung I'd known a long time ago but wasn't close to anymore. Praying it would read to everyone else as nothing more than two people awkward because they aren't close, I kept my expression carefully managed.
“I'll come by for a proper greeting next time. You three were in the middle of something—”
I was about to deliver my final line with a smile when my eyes met my adoptive mother's.
“Um….”
The instant I heard that voice — dry as kindling — my body locked up on its own. It was chillingly, perfectly identical to the voice I remembered.
“It's… a relief to see you looking well.”
My adoptive mother spoke haltingly. “I saw you won an award. It's late, but congratulations.”
The familiar scent of her perfume drifted around my nose.
“……Thank you.”
I gritted my teeth and dragged up the corner of my mouth before it could fall. My fist clenched tight. I could feel my cheek muscles trembling.
“I'm happy for Euntaek too.”
All the lines I'd stacked so neatly in my head evaporated in an instant.
“It's really good to see Euntaek, and….”
What am I even saying right now?
My mind went white. I was babbling on and on, and even though the words were mine, I couldn't parse a single one of them.
Stop it. Pull yourself together.
The fist I was gripping so tightly shook and shook.
Isn't it about time you were okay? Stop playing the victim already, Lee Yeonjae. It's time to move on. Don't act like a child.
What was the next line? What was my next line?
I couldn't calm down — it was pathetic, honestly. Every time I caught the scent of that perfume, my stomach turned over. That vast, formless feeling of wanting to run and having nowhere to run to. I felt cornered at the edge of a cliff — and that was the exact moment it happened.
“Excuse me.”
A familiar voice slipped into the conversation.
“Actor-nim, you have a call and I think you should take it. I'm so sorry to interrupt — it's urgent.”
A huge hand folded around my back. The familiar warmth let air back into my lungs.
“Go on quickly. Baby — no, Yeonjae. I'll call you. Let's meet again next time.”
Lee Euntaek answered for me, hurriedly. I should have said something, but at that moment just managing to smile took everything I had.
And so, in a muddled daze, I left with Jinbae-hyung.
“—nim.”
When I came to, I was in some corridor, I had no idea where. “It's all right. Breathe slowly, follow along with me.” I took a deep breath, following the eyes staring straight into mine, and bit by bit the trembling drained out of my body.
“Haaah….”
The moment I let out one last deep sigh, Jinbae-hyung pulled me into his arms and patted my back.
“You did so well. You've been through a lot. Truly, you did so well.”
The gentle words came at my ear, one after another without pause.
“What about the phone call?”
I asked much later, my voice worn out.
“It was a lie.”
“You promised you wouldn't lie to me.”
“Yes. I'm sorry.”
From a voice that sounded not sorry at all. I simply stayed still, leaning into the hand patting my back in a steady rhythm.
“Thank you for coming to get me.”
When I murmured it in a drained voice, Jinbae-hyung just kept patting my back in silence.
“I thought I'd be okay. Apparently I'm not.”
I'd decided I was done avoiding the past. I'd resolved to overcome it, and I'd worked hard — I'd truly put in the effort.
What kind of overcoming is this, when I can't even manage a proper word?
After a long hesitation, I whispered quietly.
“I'm pathetic.”
Was it all right to say even this much? I braced myself to be scolded — why would you say that about yourself — but an unexpected answer came back.
“You're allowed to be.”
“…….”
“Don't you have other thoughts, too?”
I hesitated at the low voice, then finally said the rest of it — that I felt stifled, and gloomy, like I'd fallen into a swamp. While I murmured on, Jinbae-hyung didn't argue back. He only patted my back.
“I… hate myself.”
The moment the last words left my mouth, a strange lightness spread through my chest.
“Yes. I understand.”
Jinbae-hyung answered in that unshakable voice of his. He seemed so large, so solid, that my negative words couldn't possibly leave a mark on him — and for a moment, that reassured me.
So this much is okay to say out loud.
I buried my face in his shoulder. Just when I was thinking it was about time to pull away, Jinbae-hyung spoke softly.
“But I like you.”
“What?”
“I like you, Actor-nim.”
Even if you hate yourself.
With those words, his body drew away. I lifted my head at the retreating warmth and found him gazing at me with a faint smile.
“You knew that, right?”
“……Yes.”
I nodded slowly. The voice telling me it was time to go home sounded steady and sure.
“So you're heading down tomorrow, right away?”
“Yep! The NOBI showcase went off without a hitch, and I can't exactly tag along for the whole music show run. I've got a mountain of schoolwork waiting for me the second I get home.”
“That's a shame. Let's talk often, okay?”
Park Haeun answered with a bright “Of course!” and a grin. Lee Yeonjae smiled and kept the conversation going.
Ahn Jinbae glanced at the two of them through the rearview mirror. He seems much calmer now.
He checked his actor's face one more time. The color that had drained completely white was far closer to normal than it had been earlier. Thank goodness we weren't too late.
His actor would never know how badly Ahn Jinbae had been startled. Yeonjae had walked right up and exchanged greetings with Lee Euntaek's parents, chatting away with a smile on his face. The expression was so utterly natural — but to Ahn Jinbae's eyes, it was plain as day. His actor was acting.
He'd been too far away to make out the words, but the moment the woman spoke to him, the actor's mask had begun to crack. Ahn Jinbae had watched Yeonjae's eyes start to waver, and closed the distance immediately. No sooner had he taken his place at his side than the actor grabbed his jacket like a drowning man seizing a lifeline. Since he'd shielded the boy's face from view the entire walk out, there was little chance of it ending up in anyone's mouth.
So the treatment is doing something after all.
The doctor had warned him to expect a long recovery, so he'd tried not to get his hopes up. But his actor had improved so much. Simply being able to pour out the emotions he'd once kept locked tight was an enormous leap forward. The symptoms were clearly milder than during that last hyperventilation episode, too.
He'd keep getting better, little by little, like this. One step at a time. After all, Ahn Jinbae intended to be at his actor's side the whole way.
He turned the wheel with a gentle hand.
The day after the showcase, Park Haeun headed home. Since there was no telling when they'd see each other again, I walked her all the way to the terminal — where we happened to run into her cousin.
Hwang Yeonju still shot me the occasional awkward glance. But the instant I mentioned NAID, the light in her eyes changed completely.
“Oh my god, I watched the video yesterday too!”
What is happening. I was briefly taken aback by the total transformation.
“Their lives are actually so good! Do you know how many times I replayed that thing last night? My heart hasn't pounded like that in ages. Ugh, if I weren't a senior in high school I'd already be camped out at a recording.”
Forget the money — it was the lack of time she mourned, and she looked genuinely pained about it.
“So what are they like in person? As cute as they look on camera?”
“Cute… well, I have a friend in the group, so I'd rather not…”
“From the interviews they seem like total beagles. Bunch of energetic personalities.”
“Yes. Very true.”
They really were extremely doglike, after all. I nodded along to Hwang Yeonju's assessment.
“Ah, they're exactly my type. Maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and hit a music show. If I only pick the pre-dawn schedules…”
“Please calm down.”
As if she'd completely forgotten asking for my phone number a week ago, she rattled on about NAID for a good while and then left.
Not going to lie — I felt a strange sense of betrayal.
“Actor-nim, shall we go?”
“Yes….”
“Are you all right?”
“Just feeling a little bitter, that's all.”
Jinbae-hyung tilted his head, but I only laughed it off. Once we were in the car, he told me we'd be stopping at a hair shop first.
“We have to go to the shop too?”
“If we're filming a video, we should do it properly. The NAID members will be in full stage outfits.”
He had a point, but…. Going to the shop when I wasn't even filming anything felt oddly embarrassing.
Today was the day of NAID's very first music show. It was also the day I'd promised to film a challenge video with them.
I wonder if this will actually help, though. Would me dancing alongside them really do anything to get NAID's name out there? Still, Biyeon will be happy about it. She'd already been pestering me to dance and post a video as it was.
After makeup, we headed into the broadcasting station. It was so sprawling that I had no idea where to go, but thankfully a NAID manager came out to meet us.
“Ah, thank you so much for coming all this way.”
The affable-looking manager beamed at us. “You're scheduled to film the challenge today, right? Thank goodness — today's the only music show where we have a private waiting room. If you'd come next time, filming would have been a real hassle.”
“I see. Thank you for looking out for us.”
I followed the manager through a maze of corridors. The moment we stepped into a room, Noh Bihyeok came running over as if he'd been waiting for me.
“Lee Yeonjae!”
Yesterday had been too much of a blur to get a good look at him, but under the bright lights now, I could see him all too clearly. Noh Bihyeok, dolled up like an idol.
“……Hey.”
It felt like looking at a stranger, and I was slightly thrown. Bihyeok shook my shoulder, declaring he was nervous out of his mind for their first broadcast. Their leader stepped in to haul the beagle away and calm him down. I was grateful.
“Hey, baby.”
“Oh. Hyung.”
Lee Euntaek was made up like an idol too. Why did everything feel so unfamiliar? I was managing my expression so it wouldn't show, but Euntaek's face was far too grim.
“What's wrong? Did something happen?”
“About yesterday — I'm sorry. I should have been more careful.”
Yesterday? I started to tilt my head, then caught myself quickly. Right. I met my adoptive parents yesterday. Ever since I'd gotten home, Jinbae-hyung and I had watched a movie, and it had completely slipped my mind. Wow. How do you forget something like that?
My whole body had been shaking not even a day ago, and the moment we'd parted ways, I'd wiped it from memory entirely. Normally I'd have spent the whole time dwelling on it, turning it over again and again.
“……You forgot?”
Lee Euntaek studied my face and asked with an odd expression. Just as I opened my mouth to make an embarrassed excuse, Euntaek let out a snort of laughter.
“That's a relief. I was worried you wouldn't sleep a wink. Man, raising a little brother really is a waste of time, huh?”
“I told you to watch your mouth.”
I pinched him squarely in the side. After greeting the NAID members — faces I'd now seen enough times to feel almost comfortable — I learned the choreography. Thankfully, the challenge only required the highlight moves, so it took no more than a few minutes.
“Whoa, you're seriously good at dancing. How about promoting with us next time?”
“I'm an actor, though….”
“So what? Come on, let's do it!”
Their leader hauled that second beagle away as well. Truly, thank you.
After we filmed the challenge video, I was just thinking I could head home when —
“See you in a bit, then.”
“What?”
When I asked what he meant, Noh Bihyeok looked at me like I was the strange one.
“You're coming to the fansign.”
“…? Me?”
“One of the manager hyungs said he saw your name on the list.”
What?
“I only bought one album.”
“Huh? No way. I heard our fansign cut is over twenty copies.”
What is he talking about?
Just as I stood there completely lost, Jinbae-hyung sidled over with a sheepish face and whispered.
“Actor Jeonghyeon ordered them for you. In your name.”
……This man. Honestly.