Sorry I Wasn't There Sooner

After we got home, I gave Noh Bihyeok the short version of everything.

Jiheon's death, the adoption that fell apart because of it, and my reunion with Lee Euntaek.

His reaction was blunt and to the point.

"Lee Euntaek's a total psycho, huh."

"……"

Haah.

"Bihyeok, you really need to watch your mouth. Now I'm genuinely worried about you."

And this kid is only months away from debuting.

The moment I sighed, Noh Bihyeok started bouncing around indignantly.

"Hey! Hearing all that and only reacting this much is me being restrained, okay? And I don't even swear that much!"

"Then who was the guy cussing me out the second he saw me earlier?"

"That's because you never pick up your phone!"

Noh Bihyeok scowled.

"Hah… anyway, thanks for telling me. But honestly?"

"Yeah."

Here it comes—how would he react to this stomach-turning story.

No matter what expression he makes, I won't let it show.

Whatever look came back at me, this was my burden to carry alone.

I was busy arranging my face into something suitably indifferent when—

"Lee Yeonjae. I'm the one who's worried about you."

"…?"

"Forget worrying about me, worry about yourself. Okay? You get what I'm saying, right?"

No. I really don't.

Reading my blank face, he pulled an anguished expression.

"What kind of hedgehog has quills this soft? Can't you put some backbone into those spikes?"

"Why is there a hedgehog now, of all things."

"Because you're driving me crazy. No friends, apparently knows Euntaek from back in the day, and the conversations you two exchange are flat-out vicious. Do you have any idea how shocked I was to hear that you *killed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠someone*?"

His thick eyebrows drooped.

"And you didn't even deny it. Meanwhile I don't know a single thing."

"……"

"If I knew something, I could fight for you or defend you or something. But all I could do was stand there like an idiot. I didn't know anything, so I couldn't step in—not that, uh, I mean, it's not like you wanted me jumping in anyway."

He fumbled his way through it.

"So… hah, I'm sorry."

Noh Bihyeok covered his face with his hands.

It was me who was baffled by this out-of-nowhere apology.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I couldn't do anything when Euntaek was threatening you, and I made you go outside alone earlier, and I whined at you to tell me faster, and—"

The words poured out without a pause for breath.

Listening to his deflated voice, I laughed.

"You didn't know because I never told you. What's there to be sorry about? Besides, what was Euntaek's big threat even supposed to be? He didn't have a knife or anything."

"……You have a real talent for saying horrifying things like they're nothing."

Noh Bihyeok muttered. Whether he did or not, I said what needed saying.

"The apology should be mine. Euntaek and I have our own history, and I'm sorry I dragged you into something this uncomfortable. I'll make sure none of this spills over onto you, so don't worry."

"Worry about yourself, I told you. I'll handle my own problems just fine."

Yeah, sure you will.

I scoffed inwardly and started sorting through what I had to do.

First, I need to talk to Euntaek.

I could understand where he was coming from, but whether he affected Noh Bihyeok's debut was a separate matter entirely.

I was mulling over how to persuade him when Noh Bihyeok lightly poked my cheek.

"Hey. Can I say one more thing?"

"Yeah."

"……That person. Jiheon."

At a name I hadn't heard in so long, my body stiffened before I could help it.

"I don't get why they say you killed him. It was an accident, right? A pure accident. So how is any of that your fault?"

"……"

"Sure, Euntaek was young when it happened—he can resent you for that. But he's not a kid anymore. If he still thinks that way after all this time, that's his problem."

Noh Bihyeok's eyes carefully searched my face.

His voice was gentle and warm, like someone tiptoeing across thin ice.

It was far more kindness than I deserved, and a bitter smile rose to my lips.

"I did do it, Bihyeok."

Jiheon died because of me.

"I killed him."

Nobody knew that better than I did.

"Lee Yeonjae. If someone got hurt trying to save you, that doesn't mean *you* hurt them. Of course you'd feel guilty, but—"

"Jiheon's hospital visit after that accident wasn't his first."

I cut him off.

I didn't want to make my friend argue in a murderer's defense.

"Ten times. That's how many trips Jiheon made to the ER in the year after I was adopted."

"……"

"And I was only with him a year at most."

My mouth tasted bitter.

I knew because Jiheon's medical records were laid out in painstaking detail in the adoption dissolution paperwork—from the fractured finger to the burn ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠on his thigh, he'd been caught up in incident after incident that year.

And I was always there beside him when it happened.

His life was cruelly short, too.

What had he done to end up caught on me?

Jiheon had been mature for his age, calm and steady. Apparently he was so healthy he didn't even get the ordinary scrapes and bruises kids collect.

At least, not until he met me.

Meeting ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠him was a stroke of luck for me.

Wasn't it funny, then. That his misfortune began the moment he met me.

"Meanwhile, the number of times *I* got hurt dropped off dramatically. It was noticeable enough that even I thought something was off about it… but I only thought it. Just thought."

I shouldn't have only thought it. I should have moved.

I should have done something.

I had no business clinging to a man who had gladly opened his arms every time a frightened little kid shuffled toward him.

It all happened because I got greedy for affection that was never mine to take.

"……That wasn't your fault."

After a long silence, Noh Bihyeok offered the most childish answer imaginable.

Like a kid who believes that if he insists hard enough, it'll become true.

It's not like I can explain the Misfortune Factor, so what can you do.

The conversation kept circling back to square one.

Setting aside the sinking feeling, the talk wasn't producing anything, so I changed course.

"There was someone who once said to me exactly what you just did."

"Who? Jinbae-hyung?"

"No. Euntaek."

"…?"

A question mark bloomed across Noh Bihyeok's face.

"After Jiheon passed, my adoptive parents were falling apart too. Back then, Euntaek kept me glued to his side."

"Glued to his side—like, he bullied you? Like earlier today?"

"No. He was genuinely good to me."

Though there was a prickly, picking-a-fight quality to it.

But that was Euntaek's own particular brand of brusque tenderness.

I turned to Noh Bihyeok, who was lost in thought.

"What's Euntaek usually like? Before today, I mean."

"Uh, hmm."

Noh Bihyeok answered while sneaking glances at my face.

"He wasn't… bad? Not super friendly either. But the way he cussed you out today, that was the first time I've seen that."

It was exactly the answer I'd expected, and I nodded.

Seong Ijun had said the same thing, hadn't he.

Euntaek had been the only one who approached Seong Ijun when he was being frozen out at school.

He was like that even after Jiheon died.

While my adoptive parents and I were all still reeling from the shock, Euntaek had been busy. In front of our parents he forced himself to look lively, and with me he picked fights as always.

Even when Jiheon's absence pressed down on us, Euntaek was there at my side.

"He told me over and over. That Jiheon didn't die because of me, so I'd better pull myself together. That for Jiheon's sake, the two of us had to hold on and make it through."

"……"

This is why digging up the past is pointless.

Nothing changed, and all I did was drown in old feelings for nothing.

I shook my head sharply, shaking off the emotions welling up inside me.

"Anyway, Euntaek's grudge is with me, not you. So tomorrow, focus your pitch on that part."

"Then why did he change? Why does he say you killed Jiheon now?"

The careful tone of the question drew a laugh out of me.

The answer was too obvious.

"Because Euntaek started getting hurt."

"……"

"Exactly like Jiheon. And I was always right there beside him whenever it happened. And then Euntaek ended up in the hospital, and…"

The day Euntaek fell down the stairs in my place and broke his leg—that was when I finally said it to my adoptive parents.

'I think I should go back to the orphanage.'

'……'

'I'm sorry it took me so long to say it.'

My adoptive parents hesitated for a long while before nodding. I remember reaching to steady my shoulders with an apology, and I remember refusing.

I didn't know about the Misfortune Factor back then, but I understood one thing clearly: anyone who got close to me got hurt.

After one last goodbye to Euntaek lying in that hospital bed, I returned to the orphanage the very next day.

"I told Euntaek I was sorry. For hurting him, for everything with Jiheon—all of it."

There was no answer.

All that came back was a look thick with loathing.

That's how Euntaek and I parted ways.

"Lee Yeonjae."

Noh Bihyeok, silent until now, called my name.

He sat there for a long moment even after calling out, and then he spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"Why do you keep apologizing? You've got nothing to do with any of this."

"Not about that."

Then what?

My eyes met Noh Bihyeok's.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you back in first grade."

"……"

The words caught in my throat.

I stared at him blankly for a moment before muttering,

"What kind of dumb thing is that to say…"

Noh Bihyeok and I only got close after we ended up in the same class in sixth grade.

Before that, we'd never even had the chance to talk.

He wore a gloomy expression as he went on.

"It's just… if I'd been there back then, maybe you would've healed."

"Then *you'd* have gotten hurt."

"Nope. I'm confident I wouldn't have."

Excuse me?

Something so absurd pulled a hollow laugh out of me.

It started as a laugh of pure disbelief, but once it was out, I felt a little lighter.

He really is something else.

I looked at Noh Bihyeok, laughter still clinging to my eyes.

He was whimpering and watching my expression like a dog caught in the rain.

"Bihyeok. Stop reading my face."

"……I'm not reading your face."

Even in the middle of all this, he had his pride—and the instant denial was funny too.

"Honestly, I'm grateful. It's not exactly a story that leaves you with goosebumps."

"Quit putting it that way."

"Fine, fine. Let's get ready for bed."

I soothed him as he grumbled on. Noh Bihyeok pulled clothes out of my closet and changed with the ease of a man in his own home.

"I'm gonna go wash up."

"Sure. Oh—Bihyeok. What time are you heading to the practice room tomorrow?"

"Around noon? The older guys usually come in about then too."

I nodded with a look of practiced indifference.

And the moment Noh Bihyeok disappeared into the bathroom, I pulled out my phone.

I froze for a second, unsure what to say.

Come to think of it, it had only been two days since I got back to Korea.

I'd even forgotten I was in Italy before all this happened today.

Feeling awkward for no reason, I dodged the question vaguely.

"Well, more or less. Hyung, can you tell me one thing?"

"—Sure. What is it?"

I asked Seong Ijun for Lee Euntaek's phone number. Startled for a moment, he said he'd send it over by text.

I stared at the message for a while, then pressed the call button.

It rang twice.

Euntaek's unwelcoming voice carried through the phone. I swallowed a sigh and got to the point.

"Let's meet for ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a bit tomorrow morning."

Ding-dong.

"I'll get it."

I stopped Jinbae-hyung as he started to rise at the sound of the doorbell.

Before opening the door, I took a short, steadying breath.

"Hi."

Even at my greeting, Euntaek said nothing—just glared at me.

"Couldn't we have just met at some normal café? Who even are you to tell me to come all the way to your place?"

"Thanks for coming."

"……Hah, whatever."

After one more icy look, Euntaek stepped inside. He strode deep into the apartment, then stopped short when he spotted Jinbae-hyung.

"This is Jinbae-hyung. My manager."

"Hello. I'm Ahn Jinbae."

"Oh, hi. Nice to meet you."

Euntaek bowed awkwardly.

In the strange silence that settled over the room, the realization came to me belatedly.

Ah. I'm supposed to introduce him.

"And this is Euntaek. He's my…"

Hmm. What did I even call him?

I hesitated, then finished awkwardly.

"…He's the hyung debuting with Bihyeok."

"……"

For some reason, the look in Euntaek's eyes turned razor-sharp.