An Invitation to Italy
"An-gae."
"Hm? What do you need? Want me to make you more pillows?"
The moment I called out to him, An-gae started flustered, fussing this way and that, so I grabbed his shoulders. "No. I just felt like calling you."
"Oh…."
An-gae looked embarrassed. Even his sheepish face was funny, so I gave his cheek a light smack.
"Why are you so jumpy?"
"Well… I thought you needed something."
The way he pursed his lips was adorable. "All I need is you."
I pulled An-gae into a hug. I loved the feeling of him filling my arms completely.
Time really does fly.
A week had already passed since I'd briefly fallen asleep on set. I'd been anxious that night about not being able to meet him, but thankfully, I saw him without a hitch that evening. The moment I did, the questions came pouring out in a rush—why couldn't I reach you, is something wrong, are you okay? An-gae, flustered, waved his hands wildly.
'No, I'm fine! Nothing's wrong! You're the one who collapsed!'
'I'm fine. But why couldn't I meet you earlier?'
'For us to meet, you have to be fully unconscious. Your state was too unstable back then, so….'
In short, it had happened because I hadn't quite let go of consciousness—an in-between state. The reason turned out to be so trivial I brushed it off without a second thought.
Everyone faints once in a while, right?
I figured it was just something that could happen to anyone. Unfortunately, it seemed no one else saw it that way.
"Hello there―."
"Hey, how are you feeling? If you need to push the shoot back, just say the word."
The moment actor Kim Seokjun's eyes met mine, the words burst out of him. I swallowed a sigh at the greeting that skipped any hello entirely.
"I'm fine. I told you on the phone, remember?"
"That's what you always say. Manager-nim, how is he? Is he fit to shoot?"
Actor Kim Seokjun didn't even pretend to listen to me and turned to Jinbae instead. Seriously, why ask me at all if this is how it's going to be? I was dumbfounded.
Whether I glared at him or not, Jinbae answered calmly. "He rested properly for a week and has recovered a great deal. He's also promised not to overdo it today."
"Good to hear. Everyone here has cleared their schedules. Even if we don't finish everything today, it won't affect the shoot at all—so if you notice anything off while watching him, manager-nim, cut it right there."
"Yes. Thank you."
"…And what about me? Am I not included in this conversation?"
At my grumbling interjection, actor Kim Seokjun blew a dismissive snort. "Like we need to hear it from you. 'I'm fine.' 'It's nothing.' 'Sorry for the trouble.' 'I'll do my best today.' It's a script, isn't it?"
"…."
I was struck speechless. Still, unwilling to admit he had a point, I jutted my lips out—then caught myself acting like a child and put them away again.
Everyone's taking this way too seriously.
Then again, I supposed if a kid I was filming with started muttering like a madman and collapsed on his own, I'd be startled too. That was why An-gae had spent the whole week trailing anxiously after me, watching my every move.
Jinbae went without saying, and Jung Hyun wouldn't leave my side either, which made things exhausting. I'd never seen him cling this persistently before—it was almost bewildering.
Hyung, you should be heading to set now.
Yeah, I should…. How about a video call while we're apart? Since we're doing this anyway, why not stay connected until I get home? Mute it and just let me see your face. I'll only check that you're okay.
Please, get a grip.
Thanks to my agency and the production company pushing back my shooting schedule, I'd gotten a full week of proper rest. Which meant, in other words, that my collapse had thrown every other actor's schedule into chaos. When I called each of them to apologize, they all said the same thing: don't even think about showing your face on set until you're fully better.
The loosened schedule also let me visit the hospital. My psychiatrist, whom I hadn't seen in a while, greeted me with a composure that surprised me. I wasn't in much of a mood to talk, but mercifully, the appointment was short. We agreed to adjust the dosage gradually over time, and that was that—I walked out with a prescription.
My first impressions of psychiatric medication were these: Huh. Not a big deal.
It was far less dramatic than I'd expected. I'd worried I'd end up dazed all day like in the movies, or sleeping my life away, but those fears were overblown. It differed from person to person, of course, but luckily the medication seemed to suit me well.
I can't say for sure whether it's actually working.
But if it put the people around me at ease, that was enough. Though I do sleep more comfortably now, I'll admit. Thanks to it, my life felt more regular, too.
Anyway, to sum up: I was fine. I'd rested as much as I needed to rest. Which meant this level of consideration was unnecessary.
"―Cut! Yeonjae, you okay?"
"Yes! I'm fine!"
The instant the PD finished the line, I shouted back without even a blink's delay. How many times have I said 'I'm fine' now? I'd probably said it over two hundred times today alone. Every face I'd run into since arriving on set had asked, and I'd repeated the same answer endlessly.
At that, the PD came hurrying over with an urgent look on his face. He fidgeted apologetically—saying he was truly sorry, that I was so mature he'd forgotten how young I actually was—which only left me more puzzled. When he added that he'd be extra careful for the rest of the shoot, I had no idea what exactly he intended to be careful about, but I nodded along anyway.
Then filming began, and I understood what the PD had been worried about.
"Actor-nim, are you sure you're—"
"Hyung, please stop with that already. You're going to give me a complex."
I cut Jinbae off mid-sentence. When I pulled a face of pure exasperation, he smiled. "I worry, that's all. Me, the PD, everyone. You hide it so well, actor-nim."
"I'm telling you, I really am fine."
"Understood. The moment I can believe that, I'll stop asking."
Unbelievable. When I shook my head, Jinbae laughing, handed me a glass of water. Gulping it down, I thought: I'd better never faint again.
The PD kept repeating "Yeonjae, you okay?" and "Should we take a break?" after every single take. Annoyance aside, I was worried the shoot would drag on forever. So I asked if we could all just pretend the last incident had never happened—and got nothing but a scolding for my trouble.
But I really am fine.
I felt a little wronged. I wasn't saying it out of habit—I genuinely was fine.
Even when I felt myself sinking back into that hollow thought—what's the point of living like this—I remembered what Jung Hyun had said. We do too. That's how much we love you.
A single tender sentence carried an enormous weight. No matter what I tried to do, the words kept coming back to me, as if they'd shackled me in place. Ever since, I couldn't hold on to that thought of what's the point. Every time I reached for it, Jinbae's face surfaced, then Jung Hyun's, then Bi-hyeok's—and the thought snapped clean off.
At the same time, I remembered the fan meeting. The universe of eyes turned toward me, glittering like stars. The fans who'd looked at me as if I were someone special. Whenever I thought of Biyeon, my mind always arrived here in the end:
This way of living—it does have meaning.
No matter how I look at it, it's more than I deserve.
It was a love so vast it bordered on undeserved. Not that I had any intention of letting it go, mind you.
I snorted a laugh and stretched. How are they all going to cope, falling for a greedy thing like me?
I had no plans to let go either. I offered my silent apologies to the faces floating up in my mind.
Maybe I'm going through something like what happened with Hon.
After all, I'd gained a "Dr. Kang Seok" of my own. A life lived for him, swayed by his every word. But the fortunate difference was that my "Kang Seok" wasn't a single person. If one left, another would draw near to comfort me. Live that way long enough, and wouldn't I eventually grow into an adult?
That my "Kang Seoks" were warm-hearted people was, by any measure, extraordinary luck. Which means I have to do better by them.
It wasn't the usual sense of duty or debt. This was greed. The greed to be kinder, to give more, to the people at my side. These days I was so busy indulging that greed, I had no spare attention for pointless things like the meaning of life or Misfortune Factors.
"Yeonjae, back to set?"
I was on my feet the moment the PD spoke. "Yes, sir!"
I hurried over. The staff immediately started nagging—don't run, don't run. I had to press "I'm fine" into service yet again at the concern written all over their faces, but honestly, it wasn't entirely unwelcome.
From then on, it was nothing but filming for a full month, straight through to the final scene—and we wrapped it all without incident. Everyone had been on edge because Hon's emotional arc climbed to its absolute peak on the road from Dr. Kang Seok's death to the ending. They seemed convinced I'd collapse again.
I already had complete confidence in myself, but I couldn't exactly crack my chest open to prove it, so I could only keep repeating that I'd be fine. Apparently, though, that bought me zero trust. Jinbae, Jung Hyun, and actor Kim Seokjun all glued themselves to my side. Even Noh Bi-hyeok ditched practice to come visit the set.
He's busy enough preparing for his debut as it is.
I'd deliberately kept quiet about it with him, but Jinbae let it slip. He'd brought up the collapse—casually mentioning I'd fainted during the three of us's dinner—which startled Bi-hyeok and startled me right along with him. I barely managed to stop Bi-hyeok from seizing me by the shoulders and shaking me in a panic.
…Thinking about it now, I don't think that was a slip of the tongue.
At the time I'd been too rattled to notice, but Jinbae hadn't actually worn the face of someone who'd misspoken. Looking at just his eyes, he seems like such a gentle soul. But at times like this, he seems awfully foxlike too. Honestly, you can never truly know a person.
Well, either way, it works out fine for me.
Whether he was a fox pretending to be a bear or a clumsy bear, it made no difference. He was Jinbae, after all.
"Actor-nim, have some fruit."
"…."
"What's wrong?"
The picture of innocence. It did sting a little. But it was all water under the bridge, so I pretended not to notice and picked up a slice. "Thank you for cutting it up."
"Of course. There's plenty more, so eat a lot. You especially need it, actor-nim."
He followed up with the now-familiar line: the drama was done filming, so stop watching my weight and just eat. I'd been hearing it so often lately it was getting old.
"Okay, I will. Oh—hyung, you have some too."
"Ah, thank you…!"
I handed the fork over to Seong Ijun, who'd been rolling his eyes beside us. Seong Ijun hesitated, then politely told Jinbae he'd dig in.
When are those two ever going to get close?
They'd known each other's faces for a good while now, yet somehow they only seemed to grow more awkward with time. I quietly asked Seong Ijun as he ate. "Hyung, what made you decide to become an entertainer?"
"Hm?"
"You're shy around strangers. And this line of work means meeting all kinds of new people."
At my flat question, Seong Ijun blinked in bewilderment, then quickly smiled. "I struggled with exactly that, believe me. I wasn't confident I could handle it at all."
"And yet you did it."
"Yeah. Acting was just too much fun to give up over something like that…."
Seong Ijun smiled shyly. He looked so much like An-gae in that moment that I smiled too.
Our conversation drifted along, calm and easy. "Yeonjae, so you've got nothing on your schedule for a while?"
"Yeah. Filming's all wrapped up."
"I see. So, um—I'm asking just in case…. Would you want to be on a program with me?"
A program? Before I could even open my mouth, Seong Ijun rushed on. "You don't have to if you don't want to! Seriously, no pressure! I just wanted to ask how you were doing, that's all—"
"Hyung. Shh. Breathe."
I took hold of his shoulders. He always does this. I swallowed down the urge to click my tongue. "I'm not going anywhere. Start from the beginning—tell me what the program is, nice and slow."
"Okay…!"
Seong Ijun took a deep breath, his face flushed with excitement. Then he opened his mouth. "It's a variety show where you and I go on a trip together, just the two of us…!"
"A trip? Where to?"
"I-Italy."
One of my eyebrows climbed all on its own.
Italy?