The Reason Doesn't Matter
The moment I opened my eyes, everything went black.
"...Angae?"
Thinking it might be the Dark Mind Space, I spoke up right away.
Then I heard footsteps approaching with firm, deliberate strides.
"Actor-nim."
Ah.
"I've placed a wet towel over your eyes. I'm going to remove it now, so keep them closed."
"Yes."
I answered obediently, but my mind raced through a dozen thoughts at once.
Why did I come straight back to reality?
My last memory ended at the film set.
I clearly remembered getting tangled up in some pointless afterimage and making a fool of myself. And then losing consciousness... so why hadn't I met Angae?
Did something happen again?
Anxiety spiked sharply in my chest. Unable to keep my hands still, I started to move—and Jinbae hyung hurriedly stopped me.
"You mustn't move. The IV isn't finished—"
"Hyung, did I fall asleep?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Or did I not? Did I sleep? What's going on?"
"......"
I'd been mumbling without a thought in my head, and only came to my senses when I caught the look on his face.
Stop.
I slapped my own cheek, hard.
More painful than the stinging was the loud smack it produced.
"Actor-nim!!"
"Yeonjae!!"
Jinbae hyung and Junghyun hyung's shouts piled on top of each other. My ears were going to split.
"I'm fine. Just a moment."
A dull sting throbbed across my cheek. Thanks to it, the dazed fog cleared.
Pull yourself together.
Worst case, all I'd done was faint and wake back up. It wasn't anything that should have affected Angae.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
Figuring out the situation came first. I didn't want to frighten the people who cared about me any more than they already were, either.
Whew. After untangling the mess in my head, I lifted my chin toward their voices.
"How long was I out? Have you been waiting long?"
"Why on earth did you just slap yourself?!"
"Ah—to snap out of it."
Junghyun hyung buried his face in both hands.
"...I swear, you're going to be the death of me."
The words ground out through clenched teeth, thick with suppressed anguish. It was a tone I'd never once heard from Junghyun hyung, and it threw me off balance.
"I'm sorry..."
My hand moved before my brain caught up. I should have checked who was around first.
Just as I moved to apologize again, something cold pressed against my right cheek.
"Actor-nim. Please don't do that again."
Jinbae hyung's face, holding the cold towel to my cheek, looked perfectly composed. But I could feel a faint tremor through the cloth—he was shaking.
"...I won't. I'm sorry."
That unfamiliar composure frightened me for a moment.
"Promise me."
"I promise."
I hooked my pinky around his without hesitation. I repeated it over and over—no matter what happened from now on, I would never do that again. Only then did the trembling in Jinbae hyung's hand stop.
I'd better never do it again.
Scaring someone as gentle as him—it was entirely my fault.
After pulling out the IV, Jinbae hyung brought me some juk, rice porridge. I accepted it out of sheer reflex at how naturally he moved, but...
I'm not really hungry.
I stirred it around with the spoon a few times, then spoke up.
"Of all places, it had to happen on set, so I imagine everyone got quite a scare. Should I call them now?"
"Don't worry about that. Eat first."
"Still—"
"Actor-nim."
At that firm voice, the spoon went straight to my mouth.
What is this.
Was he angry? He seemed angry.
Jinbae hyung's expression and movements were exactly as they always were, and yet something about him was frightening. I found myself stealing glances at him—and locked eyes with Junghyun hyung.
"Jinbae, go get some air. I'll talk to Yeonjae."
"......"
"Now. You're not helping right now."
At Junghyun hyung's urging, Jinbae hyung wiped a dry hand down his face.
"Yes. I'll stop by the main office and come back."
With a request to call if I needed anything, Jinbae hyung left. His retreating figure looked, more than anything, worn down.
Reading the room, I asked carefully.
"Junghyun hyung, did I do something wrong? While I was asleep, did I do something to Jinbae hyung...?"
"Yeonjae. You didn't fall asleep. You lost consciousness. Get your words right."
I was doomed.
He's angry too, isn't he.
I set my spoon down slowly. The clatter against the bowl rang out far too loudly.
Junghyun hyung stayed silent for a long while before he finally spoke.
"Yeonjae. How would you feel about taking a break from acting?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"If I put my weight into it, I think we can push Killing Horn back about two weeks. You rest during that time, finish the remaining shoot, and then the rest of your schedule—"
"Hyung. What are you talking about?"
So startled that I cut him off without meaning to. Junghyun hyung stayed calm.
"Yeonjae. Will you hear me out, quietly, all the way through? Do that, and I'll listen to everything you have to say too."
His voice was so level that I hesitated, then agreed.
Junghyun hyung told me a great deal. The test results, what the doctors had said, and how I'd looked on set today from a third party's point of view.
I nodded along quietly.
I see.
Honestly, none of it was shocking. It did feel a little unfair, though.
It's not like I can ever bring up the misfortune factor.
Sure, the misfortune factor and my mental state were technically separate issues—but they weren't entirely unrelated, were they?
And if what happened today happened again, it would inevitably disrupt filming. It had inconvenienced my fellow actors and every member of the staff.
If medication helps me get better, that's good for me.
Having settled my thoughts, I said I understood. When I raised no real objections, Junghyun hyung's expression brightened slightly.
I wanted to keep watching that face, but there was a more pressing matter.
"So if I take my medication properly, I can keep acting—right?"
I asked it as casually as I could manage. No answer came back, and I fought down a sigh.
"Hyung, there's no guarantee I'd get better just because I quit acting. As I remember it, drama therapy is actually part of anxiety disorder treatment sometimes... Going by that, acting might even help me improve."
"Oh, really? And this is the same guy who collapsed on set today?"
...He had a point there.
I was racking my brain for a better angle of persuasion when Junghyun hyung got there first.
"Yeonjae, I know you love acting. But it's not like the world ends if you stop for now."
"It does end, though."
"How does it end?"
The words had slipped out before I could stop them, and Junghyun hyung pressed me. The thought that I couldn't back down here made me blurt out the first thing in my head.
"Because if I keep acting, you'll keep liking me."
"...What?"
Ah, that's not it.
"Wait—no. I said that wrong."
"Is that what you've thought this whole time?? That I like you because of your acting?"
Something was going very wrong.
Why does everything get more tangled the more I talk?
This was exactly the moment to choose my words carefully. I tried to sort out my thoughts first, but Junghyun hyung pressed on.
"Really? You really thought that? Did I really seem that way to you?"
"No, that's—"
"You just said it. That you like me because of your acting."
"Um... but those were your words, hyung."
I had no idea where exactly the wires had crossed, but that much was true.
Not long after Junghyun hyung and I first met, I had once treated him like a child sex offender. At that time, he'd said—clearly—
"Honestly, I was stunned when I watched you act. In the best possible way."
"My acting, you mean?"
That was what he'd said.
At my words, Junghyun hyung went blank. He stared at me, stunned, for a long moment, then shot back:
"Yeonjae. If I said I was quitting acting, would you stop liking me?"
That was absurd. Seeing my expression, Junghyun hyung raised his voice.
"Exactly! The look on your face right now is the look I wanted to make!! You fell for me because of my acting too, didn't you? When people fall for someone, it always starts—"
"Hold on. Please calm down."
He looked so bewildered that I soothed him first. Then I corrected the glaring error.
"I didn't start liking you because of your acting."
"What? Then why?"
"Because you were the first person who ever liked me."
"......"
It was such a simple fact that this, of all things, I could say with ease.
Well—if I'd met Angae sooner, it might not have been Junghyun hyung.
It could have been the orphanage director, or one of my teachers. But whatever the case, at that point in my life, it had been Junghyun hyung first.
"Nice to meet you. You're the child actor appearing today, right?"
"I'm not an actor, but yes, I am appearing today."
"I see. I'm Lee Jeonghyeon."
"I'm Lee Yeonjae. Please speak comfortably with me."
The first person who ever looked at me with nothing but warmth, free of any prejudice.
"Even if you quit acting, hyung. Even if your face changed tomorrow. It wouldn't matter to me at all."
Either way, you'd still be Junghyun hyung.
Even if you came to hate me someday. Even if that moment eventually came.
That one reason alone was enough for me to keep liking you.
"......"
Junghyun hyung was silent for a long time.
Then, abruptly, he slumped forward. I was sitting up on the bed, and he was in the chair beside it—so when his upper body pitched down, he suddenly ended up collapsed across my lap.
"Hyung? Are you sick somewhere?"
Startled, I asked—and the answer that came back was a confession.
"Yeonjae. I love you."
It came out of nowhere, but I answered meekly anyway.
"I know."
"No, you don't. You know, but you don't know."
Was my collapsing really that much of a shock to him?
I'd better make sure he never finds out the next time I pass out.
I resolved it firmly in my mind.
Junghyun hyung murmured on to himself for a long while.
"Yeonjae, when people fall in love, there's usually a catalyst. Sometimes there's even a clear purpose behind it. But you don't need a reason to keep loving someone. Do you understand?"
No. Not at all.
Junghyun hyung tilted his face up to look at mine.
"Look. My catalyst for falling for you might have been your acting. Or maybe I approached you just to watch you perform up close. You follow me so far?"
I nodded.
"But whether I love you now has nothing to do with that catalyst, or that purpose."
"......"
"From now on, whether you act, whether you're good at it or terrible at it—it doesn't matter to me. It's exactly the same as how I'd keep loving you even if Jinbae quit being your manager."
The questions came pouring in, giving me no room to dodge.
"Let's take Biyeon as an example. Your fans all fell for you for different reasons, right? Some of them joined with the purpose of giving you gifts."
"Yes."
"But at some point, a time comes when none of that matters anymore."
Junghyun hyung looked at me straight on.
"What about you?"
"......"
"If Biyeon told you one day that they didn't love you anymore—what would you say?"
"I would..."
I met those gentle eyes. My mind went completely blank. I hesitated for a long time.
But the moment I opened my mouth, the words came spilling out, heedless of my own will.
"I would still love Biyeon."
"There you go."
Junghyun hyung smiled.
"That's how it is for us, too. That's how we love you."
Those brown eyes smiled down at me, soft and warm.
I held my breath for a moment. Whether it was my imagination or not, I felt almost suffocated.
Junghyun hyung laughed at my dumbstruck face.
"Cute. Shame I'm the only one who gets to see this."
Near my knees, a clear laugh and a gentle warmth lingered in the air.
Even as he laughed, Junghyun hyung never once looked away from my eyes.
Why does this angle feel so familiar?
A strange wave of déjà vu made me squint. Ah. It finally came to me.
This angle—Junghyun hyung's head resting on my lap.
It's the same as earlier.
The exact same framing as the scene where Kang Seok died.
Of course, only the framing was the same. Everything else was different. The expression on the man's face, the life in his eyes, the air that radiated from him.
And above all, the most important thing was simply this—
Junghyun hyung isn't Kang Seok.
And that was the best part.
Somehow, without my noticing, the corners of my own mouth had lifted too.