Chapter 5
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 0.5
Chapter Title: This Is a Crime (3)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol should be learned from adults.
This saying carries quite a few implications.
Because no one can predict what someone will do the moment they get drunk. It's meant to encourage drinking in front of your parents, where mistakes can still be forgiven.
That's why, the first time someone drinks, they're often pushed all the way to their limit.
Like passing out flat on the floor. Or endlessly repeating the same story. Knowing these drunken antics ahead of time makes it easier to handle them wisely.
But if it's groping someone else's body, constantly stripping off clothes, or excessive skinship...
Those are the types who should never drink. You end up in jail in the blink of an eye.
With that in mind, just one comment.
"Wow, you're so handsome. Is this what a pretty boy's hands feel like?"
"…"
"But why are you so pretty?"
How does one person have all of this? And from an adult, no less.
Squish. Squish. Lucia caressed both my hands. The situation itself wasn't welcome. For an unmarried noble, any skinship with the opposite sex in public was prime gossip fodder.
The silver lining was the enclosed space—few prying eyes. Just me, Lady Lucia, and the manager playing bartender.
"Any idea when they'll arrive?"
"Well... the young master isn't answering. I'll have the carriage ready for now."
With that, the manager left the bar. They were probably just as flustered on their end.
Suddenly, a man and woman alone in a room, hands clasped. And at night, with the sun long below the horizon.
If word of this mess spread through high society, marriage prospects would vanish in an instant. High nobles had a knack for blowing minor flaws out of proportion.
Wait a second...
'Am I screwed too?'
If my mother—who was already piling on the marriage pressure—found out, she'd use "blocking a marriageable lady's path" as an excuse.
She'd slip on her red shoes and tap-dance straight to the Astria ducal household.
Then the express train to marriage would depart, I'd have to listen to this crazy thief bastard, fight a swordmaster father-in-law... All hell would break loose.
Of course, I didn't dislike Lady Lucia herself. She was a good person, and pretty too.
But... what am I supposed to do when she looks like a kid?
"Lady. Please don't take off your clothes."
"Uung! It's hot..."
Even now, Lucia threw a tantrum, begging to switch genres to thriller. Romance and rom-com for her, thriller for me.
'Scary.'
The real terror? The moment someone saw this, marriage might be off the table, but an engagement would happen immediately.
Not sure if it was some Korean webnovel romance fantasy thing, but nobles had this custom of marrying right after academy graduation.
Which meant engagements were fine even at age one. Heck, they often happened before kids were even a thought—no real way to refuse.
Facing an engagement was scarier than battling some century-old lich of unknown origins. The lich, I could dodge somehow. An engagement? No evasion, no defense.
As I seriously pondered whether falling to a succubus witch during the Holy-Demon War would've been better...
"Uhihi."
Thud. Lucia's head hit my chest. Followed by one word.
"I feel dizzy."
"...Ah."
"Gueeeek."
Kindly enough, she showed me exactly what she'd eaten today.
'Yeah... better here.'
A hundred times better than doing it in the carriage on the way home.
I cleaned up the vomit and glanced around.
No sign of the manager—still no contact? Was Mikhail actually asleep?
"Uuh..."
After emptying her stomach once, she seemed relieved, snoring softly with her face planted on the table.
"Huu..."
Quiet. A silence that settled like I was the only one left in the world.
I stretched lightly. A familiar rhythm washed over me. Ha.
Damn sulfur stench.
"Come out."
"O. When'd you notice? Thought I hid pretty well."
"Hiding my ass. That acrid stink's been stabbing my nose since earlier."
"Hm. Can't you be even half as gentle with me as you are with that girl?"
Gentle. Yeah, right.
Any soft spot I had for you dried up long ago.
Obviously.
"Then, today's quiz! Am I a man? Or a woman?"
The queen of all succubi and king of all incubi. The incarnation of lust, bearing both sexes.
Foremost among demons, the monster claiming the Lust Throne among the Seven Demonic Generals.
"Wanna touch?"
"Fuck off."
Asmodeus. That's what people called it.
"Every priest has a duty to exterminate demons."
"Under this duty, all priests who serve the six gods ponder the ways to eradicate them."
"We call that method the holy law."
"Teacher. Let's talk."
"…"
"I'm really sorry for sneaking into your dream and pretending to be a woman in a man's body!"
The holy law of Justinos, God of Justice—Judgment—manifested as red iron chains coiled tightly around my hand. It began slyly putting distance between us.
"You think I've fallen for your tricks just once or twice?"
There were far too many beings called demons in this world.
Demonic humans, demons, demonic beasts, demon dragons, and so on. Every last one a troll.
Among them was one absolute lunatic equipped with timeless tactics: rear harassment, brainwashing, intelligence gathering, sowing discord.
"Just in case you're wondering, the people outside are just paused. No permanent disabilities, no magic hidden in the subconscious, no curses triggered by specific conditions!"
Asmodeus. The demon of the Lust Throne. Its tongue shifts to a woman's to seduce you. Fail to bite, and it becomes a crying child.
"Fuck! I really didn't! You're the one who sealed me with that Blue God's contract for three years straight—why pull this now?!"
No. I never drop my guard.
Do you know how fucked it is to meet your ideal type in a dream... only for it to be a man?
"Hey, hey! Wait! That hits, and I'm dead! I haven't even fed on essence lately—. Hey! Hey!"
I whipped the chains like a lash. It thrashed desperately to survive. After a fierce struggle, I finally bound it.
"Fuck... I even came in your favorite female form. Why?"
"Informal speech?"
"Why are you like this...?"
"Yeah. Behave yourself."
Now we could finally talk. Otherwise, who knows what bullshit it'd pull next.
Gender swaps were child's play. It could snuggle into your arms, then turn into a fox, a perv, or some bondage machine.
"So, what slimy shit were you up to?"
"Tell you the truth, and you won't hit me?"
Wink. Seductive red eyes blinked. Cascading fresh red hair swayed. To amp up the femininity, a dress with a plunging neckline.
I was too parched to react to that.
"We'll see. That's for me to judge."
It grinned, face flushed.
"Just... I like this flavor of lust, so I peeked. An older man imprinting all sorts of habits on an oblivious younger woman—the pinnacle of lust—."
"She's a minor."
"Your Honor. Can I take that back?"
"Liar."
"...? Fuck!"
Even now, its instincts were razor-sharp.
Attitude flipped like a coin's heads and tails. That man-woman duality shone in its rhetoric too.
"Actually, masculinity and femininity can manifest simultaneously—."
"Yeah. Go on."
"...Never mind."
It started down a PTSD-inducing path, so I cranked up the holy power output. Perfect timing. But its tightrope act was as flawless as ever.
"Get to the point and fuck off."
"Yes, sir! The thing is, that heavy task you assigned me—."
"No honorifics."
"The job you gave me three years ago? Done!"
At those words, it gaped its mouth wide. An abyss yawned beyond its throat. Something utterly alien was dragged forth.
Drip. Saliva trickled, then thud. A plain black cube hit the floor.
"All the intel I've gathered so far. Packed inside. Any space mage at fifth circle or higher can crack it. My sweet saliva's on the house~."
She declared it proudly, smug as could be.
At the same moment, a faint blue glow poured from the Contract hanging between us.
"Anyway! Contract fulfilled—release me already! Holy power sloshing around my body like a hangover is driving me nuts!"
Ha. Regrettably, it really had met every demand. Too damn competent for its own good.
Snap. I flicked my fingers, and the chains vanished from her body. She groaned in relief, as if liberated.
"Mmm~. Freedom after so long."
"Then get out of my sight—."
"Capital's top beauty, about ten centimeters shorter than me. G-cup tits, curves popping out where they should and tucked in where they should. A bit jealous streak, so she'll spoil me with aegyo whenever I want. For nighttime fun, a touch naughty—that's your type, right, Mr. Exorcist?"
"Huu..."
"Haha! Finally got to say it!"
She hummed cheerfully. A rhythmic melody carried beautiful lyrics in her voice.
"From a godless world~ Believes in gods but doesn't~ One—."
"Asmodeus."
"...Damn. Not that either?"
Just before the lyrics finished, a blade pressed to Asmodeus's throat.
Sword. Axe. Spear. Scythe. Trident. Knife. Blade.
Every edged weapon in existence gleamed with a razor-sharp red light. At the same time, its soul began to constrict.
"Ugh. Hurts. Guess there's no workaround yet. Too bad—this was the fun part."
"…"
"Well, experiment's over~. Might actually die at this rate~."
With those words, her body fragmented into tiny motes.
Whirr. A swarm of flies buzzed into the air.
"Ah. Friendly advice, since it feels good: listen up, don't brush it off. One thing I truly hate in this world."
This time, in a somewhat serious tone.
"I really, really hate those who neither corrupt others nor get corrupted themselves~."
The Lust Throne. She eternally corrupted and was corrupted in turn. That was its sole craving.
"Can't stay neutral forever. Do that, and you'll get devoured in reverse for real."
"…"
"Well. Falling wouldn't be so bad~."
"Fuck off."
"Yessir! Catch you in the next life!"
And with that.
As if nothing had been there at all.
Just silence remained.