Chapter 12
Chapter 12
Watch Me (3)
Several months passed. I was soon turning fifteen.
A few things had changed during that time.
Ever since the day Vivian and I fought, she had begun wandering outside frequently.
The servants viewed this change in her positively.
Since she had originally locked herself inside her room all the time, the transformation was dramatic.
She rarely cried now, attended her lessons diligently, and even went out for walks.
No one knew why she had changed.
Some said she had finally started managing the castle.
Others said the education was affecting her.
Others claimed the grief from losing the Duchess had finally healed.
...But I knew the truth.
Vivian wandered the castle to look for me.
At first I wasn’t certain, but as time passed, it became obvious.
At minimum, she searched for me once every two days.
After finding me, she would sharply observe the situation I was in... then, after watching me suffer enough, she would leave.
She seemed curious about exactly what kind of circumstances I was enduring.
As though she wanted to uncover the source of confidence behind all the harsh things I had said to her.
What kind of training I handled.
What my standing inside the Punishment Corps was.
What kind of food I ate.
Where I slept.
How terrible my clothes smelled.
What I did throughout the day.
How people treated me.
Every so often, she would approach nearby and secretly gather information about me over the past several months.
Honestly, it was humiliating.
As the eldest son of one of the great northern houses, showing her that I now lived worse than common street trash embarrassed me deeply.
Whenever she caught me greedily devouring food fit for dogs because I was starving, scrubbing floors with rags, doing servant work like a maid, or running around frantically, it became hard to hold my head up.
Especially in front of Vivian.
Maybe because my relationship with her was so complicated, there were many days I didn’t want to show her such pathetic sights.
At times I even wished she would understand this humiliation too.
Still, humiliation wasn’t the only thing I felt.
At some point, I began looking forward to her visits.
It was a strange feeling.
I didn’t want to show her how miserable I looked, yet at the same time I found myself waiting for her.
I thought about why, and eventually realized it felt like some of my loneliness was easing.
Simply knowing there was someone watching over my difficult daily life gave me strength for reasons I couldn’t explain.
Originally, I would have had to endure all of this alone.
No one acknowledged it, yet I struggled through it anyway.
But now Vivian, who stood in circumstances similar to mine, had started watching me.
She became a witness to what I endured and how desperately I worked to survive.
That became a small comfort in my harsh daily life.
It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t deny it.
-Scrub scrub scrub.
Today as well, I sat beside the water washing clothes.
Then I heard commotion rising behind me.
From far away came the sound of soldiers approaching in steady steps.
“...”
Pretending not to care, I continued washing.
Glancing sideways, I spotted Vivian’s red hair.
She looked around with a stiff expression.
It was painfully obvious she was searching for me.
After wandering around for a while, Vivian finally found me.
She stared at me sitting beside the water doing laundry.
“...”
“...”
Several months had passed, yet after that night we still had not exchanged a proper conversation.
Our days were simply spent watching each other from afar like this.
Though we barely spoke, we exchanged quite a lot of information.
That much was clear from how conscious we both were of each other.
After finding me, Vivian froze in place.
I wiped the moisture from above my lip with my arm and stared back at her.
...What kind of nonsense is she planning today?
Vivian never simply left after finding me.
No matter what I was doing, she always tormented me a little before leaving.
Recently, I had even started thinking she was venting her inner frustrations through me.
During our last sword training session, she ordered me to fight two opponents at once.
Before that, she visited the Punishment Corps during meal distribution and bumped my shoulder, causing me to spill my food. I ended up starving the entire day.
And the day before yesterday, a guard suddenly picked a fight with me for no reason, only for me to later notice strands of red hair fluttering behind a nearby pillar. Only then did I understand the uncomfortable look on the guard’s face.
Today was no different. Vivian whispered something to one of her guards.
The soldier glanced back and forth between us, let out a short sigh, and approached me.
“Doing laundry?”
“...Yeah.”
He took a deep breath and looked down at the basket filled with freshly washed clothes.
-Kick!
Then, with a single kick, the basket fell into the river and the clothes began drifting away.
“...Ah, shit.”
If I lost all the clothes, I definitely wouldn’t get dinner tonight.
And getting beaten by the other boy soldiers afterward was practically guaranteed too.
Looking up at her accusingly, I saw Vivian shrug her shoulders.
“...Y-You looked too comfortable living your life.”
“...”
Instead of arguing with her, I quickly jumped into the river and started retrieving the clothes one by one.
Not only was I soaked now, but I would have to wash everything again too.
Vivian really knew how to irritate people.
-Splash!
Much later, I finally threw all the drenched clothes back onto the rocks.
Then, catching my breath, I looked up at Vivian.
She quietly watched me fetching the clothes like some wet stray dog.
“...”
Of course, I had been the one to boldly tell her to torment me as much as she wanted.
Still, seeing her look so smug about it was irritating.
Father always said that if you got hit, you had to hit back.
“Having fun? Is this really the best you can—”
I finally opened my mouth to say something to her, but—
“-Pfft.”
Vivian let out a small laugh while watching my miserable state.
“...”
The slight curve lifting one corner of her lips made me forget what I was going to say as I stared blankly at her.
It was the first time I had ever seen that expression.
We had known each other for months, yet this was my first time seeing her smile.
Until now, I had only seen her crying face, angry face, or absent-minded face.
Maybe that was why the shock of seeing her smile felt twice as strong.
It wasn’t even a natural smile.
It was a sneering, mocking smile.
Yet despite that, I froze completely.
Vivian watched me for a while as though staring at a drenched dog, then, apparently satisfied, turned around and left.
“...”
Only after she disappeared did my stiff body finally move again.
“...Ha.”
Then, remembering how stupidly speechless I had become, I sighed and cursed myself.
...Still, lately something about this feels unfair.
I’m the only one being observed.
She keeps saying I’m the one living comfortably.
Whether those words are true or false, only the one watching me can judge.
It felt like she alone held a weapon and kept striking me with it.
Recently, she no longer cried much or acted like she was dying.
Maybe because of that, my pity for her had faded somewhat.
And as that pity faded, sometimes I found myself craving revenge instead.
“...”
I thought for a moment.
Maybe it was time for a change.
...Come to think of it, did anyone even exist who watched over her?
Entering her room, Vivian quietly swallowed a smile.
The expression Kylo Allen showed when his laundry drifted away in the river still remained vivid in her mind.
Watching him splash around stupidly in the water while gathering the clothes one by one had honestly felt incredibly satisfying.
It felt good landing a hit on that hateful Kylo Allen.
She felt no guilt whatsoever about tormenting him.
After all, Kylo Allen himself had been the one to tell her to try.
He said she could torment him all she wanted. That he could endure everything.
Maybe that was why only a light smile remained now.
And lately, Kylo Allen had been living far too peacefully.
Several months earlier, he had been battered and injured from severe beatings, but now he had fully recovered.
If anything, Vivian was the one constantly covered in bruises these days.
Lady Linne still punished her harshly because of her stuttering.
That was why Vivian tormented Kylo Allen.
Because her life was obviously harder.
She hated seeing someone living comfortably approach her and ask what was supposedly so difficult.
-Knock knock.
Just then, the door opened with a knock.
Lady Linne entered.
“Lady Vivian.”
“W-Welcome.”
The smile that had softened her face while thinking about Kylo Allen darkened again almost immediately.
After all, who could smile knowing endless beatings were waiting soon?
The beatings themselves weren’t even the only problem.
She still hated having someone listen to her speech and evaluate it.
Even now, revealing what felt like her own pathetic weakness to another person remained unbearable.
The determination strengthened by her anger toward Kylo Allen had begun weakening recently too.
Of course, remembering the things he said still made her furious, but the passing time and endless punishment had gradually numbed her.
Maybe that was why her lessons with Lady Linne had become harder lately.
No one acknowledged how difficult things were for her.
She had to endure everything alone.
The disdain of the retainers, the pressure from adults, her own personal issues—she had to solve all of it by herself.
Even months after her mother’s death, no one she could truly rely on had appeared.
What would it have been like if someone existed who listened to her hardships the way her mother once did?
Just hearing a few words would probably make her feel better.
Simply knowing someone recognized how hard she was struggling would give her strength.
...She was still lonely.
And that loneliness slowly consumed her day by day.
Lady Linne interrupted Vivian’s thoughts.
“Then, let us begin the les—”
-Bang!
But at that moment, the door suddenly burst open without knocking.
“I told you he’s not allowed in...! You can’t just behave however you want...!”
“I’m Vivian Rondor’s guard, so why can’t I stay beside her? If something happens to Vivian Rondor, are you going to take responsibility?”
Then Kylo Allen barged inside.
The soldier trying to stop him nervously looked between Lady Linne and Vivian through the open doorway.
Meanwhile, the one person completely ignoring the atmosphere continued striding boldly into the room.
Lady Linne frowned deeply at the sight of Kylo throwing all manners aside.
“...Kylo Allen. I heard northerners were barbarians, and now I understand why. Entering a lady’s room without permission is incredibly rude—”
“-Quiet. I didn’t come here to see you.”
Lady Linne fell speechless from sheer disbelief.
If the situation hadn’t been so absurd, Vivian probably would have laughed at the flustered expression on Lady Linne’s face.
Kylo Allen flopped down into a chair in the corner of the room.
“...”
Vivian genuinely had no idea why he had appeared here.
Just like that night, he kept doing completely incomprehensible things to her.
Even after entering, he made no move at all.
Despite feeling everyone’s eyes on him, he acted completely unfazed.
Eventually Vivian asked first.
“...W-What are you doing?”
“Guard duty.”
“...”
She couldn’t understand why he suddenly brought up being her guard.
Surely that wasn’t really the reason. He clearly had some ulterior motive.
“...”
Vivian glanced at Kylo Allen’s soaking wet pants.
Did he come here because of the prank from earlier?
When Vivian remained stiff and expressionless, Kylo sighed and stood up.
In just a few months, Kylo had grown taller.
Before, they had been roughly the same height, but now he stood about two finger-widths taller than her.
Approaching closer, Kylo looked down at Vivian and whispered.
Quiet enough that Lady Linne couldn’t hear.
“...I’ve been thinking. Feels a little unfair.”
“...?”
“You’ve been watching me lately, so you know exactly how hard my life is... but I don’t really know how difficult yours is, do I?”
Vivian could only stare at him silently.
“So I’m going to watch too. Since you said my life looked comfortable, I got curious about just how miserable yours really is.”
“W-Who said y-you can watch me?”
“I’m your guard. It was your mother’s dying wish. So I can do whatever I want.”
The situation suddenly felt reversed.
Until recently, she had been the one playing with Kylo Allen, yet now she felt nervous instead.
There were far too many things she didn’t want him discovering.
She absolutely didn’t want him seeing her stutter and get beaten repeatedly by Lady Linne.
Just imagining Kylo Allen evaluating and mocking her speech made her hate the idea even more.
So she protested,
“G-Guard duty can be done outside the room too—”
“-You.”
Kylo cut her off sharply.
“...You said living was harder than dying. Was that a lie?”
“...”
“Then let me watch too. That’s only fair.”
Vivian was dumbfounded.
In the end, all of this was just an excuse.
Clearly he held a grudge because she had been tormenting him recently.
He obviously came here intending to mock her while pretending otherwise.
She continued resisting.
“W-What fairness? I don’t care about fairness. I can do whatever I want, but you can’t. Before I call the guards and drag you out, hurry up and le—”
“-Ah, but.”
While she threatened to throw him out, Kylo interrupted again.
“If you don’t want to show me, then I’ll just leave on my own. I get it. It’s embarrassing, right?”
Even while saying he would leave obediently, he kept talking.
“You’d obviously be embarrassed if I found out your life isn’t actually that difficult, right? Nobody wants people discovering they’ve just been whining.”
“W-Whining?”
At those words, heat surged through Vivian instantly.
If he truly knew what she went through, he could never say such things.
“Yeah, whining. So that’s why you don’t want me watching, right? Fine then, I’ll lea—”
“-Fine. Then stay and watch.”
Before Vivian even realized it herself, she had already taken the bait.
“...”
Kylo grinned slyly.
But Vivian didn’t care.
Kylo Allen didn’t understand.
Yes, his life looked difficult too, but Vivian still believed her own was worse.
A little bullying wasn’t enough to overturn that difference.
So whether it was provocation or not, she decided she would accept it.
After all, that night she had promised him she would show him her life.
She told him she would show him how difficult it was.
She promised to teach him what it meant for living itself to feel painful.
From now on, Kylo would understand her life too, and every time he did, she would share that suffering with him.
If Lady Linne beat her, she would inflict equal punishment upon Kylo.
If the maids whispered behind her back, she would make Kylo suffer in some similar way too.
That was how he would come to understand her life.
At first, Kylo’s proposal felt absurd.
But the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like an opportunity.
“Y-Yeah. Watch and judge for yourself whether I was whining... or whether I’ve actually been going easy on you.”
After saying that to Kylo, Vivian turned toward Lady Linne.
“P-Please ignore Kylo Allen.”
“...”
“J-Just pretend he isn’t here... and continue the lesson.”
.
.
.
-Smack!!
“...”
But it didn’t take long for Vivian to regret her decision.
Grinding her teeth, she had to suppress the irritation building inside her.
Because every single time she got hit, Kylo Allen snickered mockingly behind her.
...Just because she laughed at him once earlier, he came all the way here to act like this.
As expected of House Allen, she thought bitterly. Petty to the very core.