My Name Is 'Misa' – 4 –
Rain is falling. Rain heavy with regret over indelible scars of memory pours down between the two of us.
Shooooaaa...
Mihail is looking at me. She stands there silently, gazing at me with rain-soaked eyes. Her lips twitch as if she has something to say, but she squeezes her eyes shut, her shoulders trembling.
"I..."
What had happened? Mihail is trembling like a frightened person. She can't meet my eyes properly, her quivering pupils darting around, unsure where to settle.
What could it be? I don't know, but I look into Mihail's rain-drenched eyes and offer a small smile.
"Miss Misa."
Just like always.
*
I can't say a word.
"Miss Misa." His gentle voice asks, but I can't muster any response. Not even a simple "yes," and I can't meet his eyes. Mihail has no idea what to say or how to even start the conversation.
She can't dare open her mouth. Those red eyes staring at her... The shoulders she'd hated from behind alone now ache her heart with the truth of who they belong to.
Shooooaaa...
Ricardo holds an umbrella over her head, getting drenched himself, and smiles at her. That unknowable smile she'd despised so much is directed at her now. Her heart hurts. It hurts so much she can barely breathe.
"...I."
What had she done?
"I..."
Who had she hated?
"I... I."
Why had she done it? An overwhelming tidal wave of regret crashes over her. Undeniable remorse grips her heart with a stinging chill. Her heart pounds wildly, as if screaming not to speak carelessly, demanding how she has the face to lift her head.
"Are you okay?" Ricardo looks at her with eyes full of worry.
—Are you okay?
—Don't pretend to care, it's disgusting.
—...You look fine since you're saying stuff like that.
His voice from past mistakes echoes in her ears alongside old sins.
"Miss Misa, you look really pale. It's pouring like this, and no umbrella..."
—Training freak? It's pouring, what kind of training is this?
—Mind your own business. It's not your concern.
—Still.
—Don't cover me with that filthy hand of yours...!
The umbrella she'd dropped on the ground back then flickers before her eyes. Ricardo's pitying expression overlaps with that boy's from her memories. His voice, always smiling at her without saying anything harsh, merges with Ricardo's smile.
She'd searched so long at that crossroads, and finally found the path. Not just that he survived, but who he is, what goals he lives for—yet here she stands, speechless.
Mihail can't look Ricardo straight in the eyes. Because the one who'd driven him out of the academy—just one graduation away from success—was none other than her.
She despises her past self for the cruel words she'd spat at him.
"Why..."
So many questions burn inside her. Why someone as radiant as you became Olivia's butler. Why you, who showed mercy to a nagging orphan, turned into someone who bullies the weak.
So much she wants to ask. But Mihail can't open her mouth.
Maybe.
"Why did you..."
All of it might have been for her sake. She can't dare speak.
"..."
Too much time has passed to clear the chasm of built-up emotions; everything feels too delicate. He probably doesn't know. That's why he hasn't revealed himself. Maybe he doesn't want to be an obstacle, or doesn't want to be remembered as slum trash.
That boy would do exactly that.
'...'
Memories of Ricardo's actions flood her mind. Intentionally losing to her in the rankings match.
—What are you doing...! Fight to the end.
—It suits you better.
—Insulting me?
Smiling brightly at her from outside during the academy fire.
—Why are you smiling?
—Just relieved you're safe.
Realizing every hated act was for her sake rips Mihail's heart to shreds.
'Never said a kind word once.'
'Told him I didn't need help from the likes of him.'
Yet he'd helped silently despite her abuse. Mihail can't lift her head. Her reflection in the rainwater looks utterly ugly.
Her clenched fists tremble. Nails dig into skin, but it doesn't hurt. Her heart hurts more.
"Like that..."
Ricardo before her watches her. Not as 'Mihail' the man, but as 'Misa' the woman, with concerned eyes.
She can't guess his feelings. Positive? Negative? She wants to know but lacks the courage to ask.
Ricardo keeps watching. His back soaked by the rain, yet he smiles calmly at her.
"Don't look at me like that."
If you knew who I am, you'd hate me.
"Please don't look at me like that."
Even though you know what I did—treated you harshly, rejected, cursed, insulted you. Why look at me with those eyes? Mihail bites her lip, clenches her fists. Her heart feels like it's crumbling. Her wildly pounding heart seems to refuse to beat under the weight of guilt.
'You don't deserve it. Think of what you said.' It feels like a kick to her chest.
'Yeah. I know.'
If Ricardo said it. If he couldn't hold back his anger, there'd be no chance like this. No seeing that face. No smile. No hearing his voice.
Mihail, masked as Misa, gazes at Ricardo. As Mihail the man, she'd be his nightmare.
Right now. This is her true self, the form she most wants him to see, yet it's a lie. She's facing him in disguise because she doesn't know how he'd react if he knew she's Mihail.
Honestly, she's terrified. How to treat him.
—Why'd you suddenly get nice?
How to see him.
—Act normal. Get lost. I don't need scum like you.
She's afraid his coldness will hurt. Even though what she did was worse. She knows these thoughts are pathetic excuses, but fearing his hatred more, Mihail decides to keep the mask.
Ricardo sees her trembling eyes and opens his heavy lips.
"You asked why I'm looking like this?"
He chuckles softly, holds the umbrella over her head, and speaks in a gentle tone.
"How could I just pass by a beauty getting drenched so pitifully? I can't do that."
"..."
Ricardo smiles faintly at the hesitant Mihail.
"The sword. You wanted to learn, right?"
"...Uh."
"I'm not often in the capital... Come down to Hamel, and I'll teach you."
"..."
"But don't come to our mansion. Leave a letter first. 'Make time for me, whenever and wherever.' Got it?"
Ricardo glances around with a playful voice.
"There's a terrifying monster in our mansion... Get caught, and you're dead."
Mihail nods. Tears welling in her eyes. Her heart heavy with regret, she nods solemnly. Just having a way to talk to him is enough. Approaching as Mihail is unthinkable; this mask is all she can do.
She knows it's not ideal, maybe the worst choice, but she can't let this chance slip.
"I..."
"Yes."
"Is it really okay for me?"
"Hm..."
Ricardo places the umbrella in her hand and smiles.
"Show a little sincerity, and sure."
Looking at her bowed head under the umbrella, he nods and bids farewell.
"Don't catch a cold."
"..."
"And don't cry."
'Ah...'
In that moment, Ricardo's face overlaps with the boy from her memories. Like that rainy day he handed her the box over his head.
—You're ugly enough. Don't cry.
"Don't get even uglier. Don't cry."
Identical.
After Ricardo's figure vanishes down the street.
Thud.
Mihail collapses to the ground and sobs endlessly. Dropping the umbrella into the street, without restraint.
"Hic... Hwaaa... Me.."
"Now... Hic... Sniff... Hwa."
"Ahh... Me... now... what do I do.."
She pounds her chest ceaselessly, tears bursting forth.
Today, too, the peaceful Desmont mansion.
"Daddy."
"...It's fine. Daddy will take care of everything."
"Brother approves too."
"Mommy says yes."
Olivia, sitting on the floor, sniffs amid the family's full expectations.
"Hmnya."
Olivia shakes her head calmly.
"No. What if it fails again."
"Worst case, exile. But Daddy treasures this more."
"Sent all servants home, so it's fine. Barriers are double, triple-layered. Intruders vanish without a trace."
"Mommy helps too."
I block the Young Lady from sucking her finger and smile.
"That's not for eating."
"...It's not?"
"No."
"..."
The Young Lady beams and nods.
"Then let's try."
Desmont awaits. Watching her roll up her sleeves.
"Eeeeeek!!!!"
Waiting for Little Olivia.