Chapter 92
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: penny
Chapter: 92
Chapter Title: Magical Safety Training (1)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the military, they often hold safety training.
It might seem surprising, but it's par for the course. The army prioritizes safety in every task.
A prime example: when work at height is needed, they don't just slap up a ladder.
No, they have you climb onto the forks of a forklift. The pinnacle of safety. If it's too high, they swap in a backhoe instead.
That's how seriously they take it, so safety drills happen all the time.
Magical Girls were no exception.
"We're starting Magical safety training now."
Our barracks got called out of the blue, so we headed over, and the waiting Magical Captain jumps straight into safety class.
"This session's on fire and burns, so pay attention."
Of course, the intent behind safety training isn't bad.
It's not always followed to the letter, but at least hearing it out can't hurt.
Calling us by barracks unit probably because the lounge—where it's held—can't fit a crowd.
The lounge is where they handle open flames anyway.
Truth be told, no better spot for it.
"Any questions? No? Then let's begin the Magical safety training—"
"Yes, ma'am."
One weird thing, though.
"...What now?"
"Why at this hour?"
The timing was way too late.
Duty hours were long over, dinner and cleanup done, even roll call finished.
So why call us now?
"You were the last ones left."
The Magical Captain brushed it off like no big deal. Crazy bitch should've just done it tomorrow.
Wasn't just me thinking it—Sora piped up right then.
"If that's the case, why not tomorrow? What's the rush for today?"
The Magical Battalion Commander, who'd been watching from beside her, jumped in quick.
"The fire shutters got installed in the lounge today. That's why we're doing an emergency drill, even if it's late."
"We were supposed to finish earlier, but..." She added, shooting the Magical Captain a look.
With a smile.
Eyes utterly devoid of mirth.
"Uh, yeah... Anyway, that's the deal."
The Magical Captain desperately dodged her gaze, mumbling vaguely.
Emergency my ass—she'd straight-up forgotten and was scrambling now.
No wonder she looked so beat having trash like her as a subordinate.
Meanwhile, Sora nodded like it clicked.
"Oh, that thing on the lounge door? The fire shutter?"
"Right. It auto-closes during fires or explosions to stop the spread."
"Anyway," the Battalion Commander continued.
"Captain, start the training."
"Yes, ma'am."
The Magical Captain snapped to it and kicked off the lesson.
Nothing special, content-wise.
Don't leave open flames unattended.
Put out fires early if they start.
Be careful with gas usage.
Basic stuff. Safety training's always like that.
"For most Magical lounge fires—if no oil's involved—water works best. Grab it from the Magical sink for easy suppression."
She twisted the faucet as she spoke.
Drip. Drip.
But nothing came out.
Just a few drops.
It'd been iffy last time; now it was totally busted.
"..."
"Magical firefighting just got harder, ma'am."
"Uh, anyway. That's what you'd do normally."
Right then, the Battalion Commander—who'd been quiet—chimed in.
"Looks like the training's going fine, so I'll head out. Got a pile of work."
"Still got dumb complaints stacking up," she added, leaving.
Her face was gaunt—clearly haggard from dealing with them. Some asshole must be flooding her with pointless gripes.
World's a cruel place. Just file the legit ones, like me.
First time I felt bad for the Battalion Commander. Not my problem, though.
Oh, speaking of—after this, time to file another one.
As I mulled that over, she was gone.
That was when it happened.
"Hold up."
The Magical Captain halted the lesson cold.
"Why?"
"Step away from the Magical fridge."
She yanked out a coffee labeled for some Magical Girl and chugged it like it was hers.
"Fuck, thought I was gonna die of exhaustion."
Sudden break from the Captain.
But she wasn't done.
She went further.
"Hey, I'm hungry. Boil some Magical ramen."
Crazy bitch wants us cooking her dinner.
We exchanged silent looks, baffled, and she raised her voice.
"What, you don't get 'go fill a pot with water'?"
"Ah, yes! On it!"
Sora—the quickest on the uptake after me—rushed off with a pot.
But the Captain's tyranny rolled on.
"You, rewash these Magical utensils."
She shoved a bowl and chopsticks at Rez. Probably for her ramen.
"But these are already cle—"
"You always rewash before eating. Just do it—what's with the backtalk?"
She cut off Rez's protest, ranting on.
Rez ended up heading out like Sora, utensils in hand.
"Magical ramen's gonna taste sour, you bitch."
Some risky muttering, but the Captain ignored it, sipping more coffee.
That's when Octo spoke up.
"Um, Captain ma'am. Is the Magical safety training over?"
Disgust plain on her face.
"Nah, still got burns left."
"Then wouldn't it be more 'efficient' to wrap it up quick?"
She must've hated the wasted time.
"Yeah, fair."
Surprisingly, the Captain nodded, then eyed Whitey—who'd been standing blankly.
"You, fetch some hot water."
"Okay."
Whitey left, and Sora returned right then, pot brimming.
Steam rising—she'd grabbed hot water.
"Sora, that's too much."
"Don't worry. I'll boil it down and dump the excess for the right amount."
"Alright? Yeah, you'll handle it."
Sora set it on the gas stove to boil as Whitey slipped back with a cup of hot water.
"Takeout!"
"Good. Watch close. Burns safety's simple."
The Captain carefully took the cup.
"Key to Magical burns: remember emergency response first."
Then she flung scalding water my way.
"If something hot hits you like this."
Straight at me.
"Ah, fuck! Hot—!"
"Splash cold liquid ASAP."
Splash!
She doused me with her coffee.
"Got it?"
"Okay!"
Quick dump saved me from burns, but I was pissed.
And it wasn't an accident.
"Scared? Don't pussy out."
No concern—just a blatant smirk. All planned.
Un-fucking-believable.
This crazy bitch.
"You nuts?"
"Anyway, lesson learned? Have a cup~!"
She grabbed another coffee from the fridge—someone else's, naturally—and drank.
But as she popped the lid, it slipped from her hand.
"Huh?"
Coffee spilled all over her.
"Aw, that was the last one."
"Dangerous!!!"
Whitey freaked, splashing her desperately.
Splash!!!
With fully boiling pot water.
"KyaAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"Perfect! All good! Complete!"
Whitey beamed over the Captain's screams.
Ignoring her, the Captain thrashed, then slammed her head into the stove.
Bang!
The impact crumpled one side.
Hiss.
Leak sound. She bolted up.
Face beet-red (literally), she grabbed Whitey's collar.
"You psycho bitch! What the hell?!"
"Magical first aid, straight from safety ed!"
"How's this first aid?!"
Her grip tightened.
Whitey grinned innocently.
"Hot water gets cold water! So cold water gets hot water!"
Flawless logic. Impeccably perfect. Even I was impressed.
The Captain felt it too—no more arguing.
"Argh, fuck! Ah! Aaaah!!!"
She just pounded her chest and tore at her hair.
Looked deeply moved, in her own way.
Had to feel rewarding, teaching well.
Meanwhile, Sora shot Whitey a dirty look.
"Sis! What if that hurts?!"
"My fault? Doesn't seem like..."
Whitey peeked at her slyly.
Sora raised her voice a bit.
"Now we gotta refill! Half would've been enough!"
"Ah, sorry."
"Ugh, fine. Be right back."
Sora grabbed the pot and headed out again.
"Fuck."
Then the Captain sighed, sticking a cig in her mouth.
Crazy bitch—smoking in the lounge?
Octo warned her gently, face worried.
"Captain ma'am, smoking Magical cigs here seems bad."
"What now?"
"Smells like Magical gas already."
"Just open the window."
She barely cracked the tiny thing—barely enough for a body.
"B-but the gas sme—"
"What gas smell? Spit it out."
Click.
She lit it.
"The Magical gas smell."
"...Fuck, what'd you just—?!"
BOOM!!!
The lounge exploded in a flash.
Blind for a second. When vision cleared, the place was wrecked—totally barren.
Flames everywhere.
When the Captain headbutted the stove, that hiss was gas leaking.
Lighting up in that mess did this.
Fucking nuisance to the end.
Classic trash-tier.
Worse, the door was sealed by the fire shutter. No other exits.
Flames even creeping into our lone safe spot.
Trapped for real.
Literally no way out.
"Front door's Magical Tiger, back's Magical Buffalo..."
"...We're fucked."
Octo and Whitey despaired aloud, but I stayed cool.
Panicking changes nothing. Better spend it finding a way out.
Plus, fresh off fire training—time to apply it.
"Hey, you trash. Step back. Just do what we learned."
"Any bright ideas, bro?"
"Put out the fire."
Quell the worst first.
Buy time at least.
"But the sink's dry—how?"
Whitey's worry made sense.
No sink water, fridge blocked by fire, window too small to escape.
Dire straits.
But fine.
I had a way.
"Don't sweat it."
I waved her off and went for suppression.
By hurling the Magical Captain.