Chapter 24
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: penny
Chapter: 24
Chapter Title: Magical Routine, And...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Life as a Magical Girl wasn't all that different from my days in the army.
Meaning the building blocks were pretty much the same.
A day kicked off with the parang-parang blare of a bugle.
Duty hours spent carrying out assigned tasks.
Meals at appropriate times.
And then.
"Well, well, if it isn't the big shot himself."
The fucking asshole picking fights at every turn.
I'd come to eat, but who do I run into in the Magical mess hall? A mint-colored Magical Girl. One with a head shaped like a mint-colored dickhead, to be exact.
The heavens sure weren't kind.
Shoving a glans in my face during chow time.
My mood soured instantly. Afraid it'd ruin my appetite if I kept staring, I issued an eviction notice.
"Beat it, dickhead. You're grossing me out."
"Hey, why do you keep talking down to me...?"
"What."
"...Forget it, fuck."
The shitty bitch spat out some resigned words before latching onto me again.
"Anyway, our dear Hero's hogging two whole Magical fish. And the big ones, at that. Impressive, very impressive."
Jealous of what I'm eating, huh.
If it bugs you that much, take some yourself.
Still, I decided to hold back for now. She must really want fish if she's complaining like that.
Time to extend a little goodwill. Welcome to Magical military life.
"Here."
"...Hey."
"What now."
"Why'd you dump two fish heads on my Magical tray?"
"You said you wanted fish."
So I gave it to her. What's her problem?
"No! I meant the tasty parts, you trash-tier fuck!"
"Don't you know? The head's the best part of the fish."
She really lacked basic common sense.
Typical Magical Girl.
Not content with spewing nonsense calling me trash-tier, she didn't even know about yutou rourou—fish head, meaty tail.
Even a high school dropout like me knows that.
"You're fucking insane! Just take it back already!"
Ah, now I get it.
She was making excuses just to hand it over to me on purpose.
In that case, it'd be rude not to accept graciously.
"Sure."
In the end, I scooped up the two fish heads from the mint-colored Magical Girl's tray.
Now my tray had two fish bodies and two heads.
"Ooh, four fish."
Of course, her tray was left completely empty.
Honestly, I had to give her a second look.
Handing over her own share too? Damn.
"Thanks. Feels good being a good person."
"No, you trash-tier fuck!!! You take it, you gotta give it back!!!"
She had a point. Letting it slide like this wouldn't sit right with me anyway.
"Here, take this instead."
So I gave her peanut butter in return. Wasteful, sure, but fair trade for two whole fish.
"Get that away! I'm allergic to Magical peanut butter!"
"Oh yeah?"
Even turning that down?
I was a little touched.
"Thanks. Enjoy your meal."
"Hey!!!!!!"
Leaving her screams behind, I finished getting my food and sat down.
After that, I heard some Magical Girls bickering among themselves.
"Wait a sec! I haven't gotten mine yet─!"
"Everyone saw you put fish on her tray earlier. What's with the Magical excuses now?"
"No! That asshole took it, so I didn't get any!"
"Whatever, just go already. Can't you see the line behind you?"
"Ah! Ah! Ah, fuck!"
Not my problem anyway.
They'll sort it out themselves.
The moment I sat down, the white-haired girl across from me piped up.
"What was that about just now?"
"Nothing."
Sora tilted her head at my tray.
"Why do you have four Magical fish, senior? Magical rations are one per person."
"Remember that mint-colored cockhead from before? She gave 'em to me."
"Huh? Her?"
Sora's doubt deepened.
Not an unreasonable reaction. Hell, even I didn't quite believe it at first.
But you gotta talk to people to see their true colors.
The mint cockhead might look rough, but she looked out for me in her own way. Thinking back, I'm genuinely grateful.
Just then, I spotted the mint Magical Girl heading off with her tray—plain rice and soup, no sides. Looked like she was dieting on purpose.
More disciplined than she seems.
Time to cheer her on.
"Hey, enjoy it. Keep up the diet."
"Ah, that fucking asshole to the bitter end!!!"
I cheered her on heartily, and she fired back with an enthusiastic response.
They say good deeds lift your spirits something fierce, and this nailed it.
"See?"
"...Just eat."
"Right."
What a bountiful mealtime.
In the army, they make you clean anytime, anywhere.
Barracks after duty, flower beds or around base during breaks.
Magical Girls were no different.
Any spare time, and it's cleaning duty.
I'd asked if they couldn't just use magic or Magical tools to tidy up quick, but both got shot down.
Two reasons.
No convenient spells for that.
Magical Girls cheaper than tools.
Magical Girls or army, same shit. People are dirt cheap.
Anyway.
So there we were, the three of us huddled up cleaning the flower beds. Up to here, it matched my army memories.
Except for one difference.
"Hold up, we gotta separate the Magical cigarette butts."
"Right, senior. Put Magical cig butts here."
Collecting just the cigarette butts separately.
"The captain didn't say anything about that."
"There's a reason. Hand 'em to Sora."
"And what's a Magical cigarette anyway."
The name's weird from the jump. Cigarettes are cigarettes—what's this Magical bullshit?
"Magical cigs have different effects. Not bad for your health, and they taste sour-sweet when you smoke 'em."
"Just like sis says. Plus, Magical cigarettes heal your wounded heart and make you feel dreamy."
"That's weed, you crazy bitches."
Thought they were Magical Girls. Turns out, Magical Weed Girls.
Actual psychos.
"Oh, Magical weed's separate. Pricier than cigs 'cause the effects are stronger."
"...I see."
"Senior, you never watched Precure? They have similar stuff there."
"Like I'd watch that."
I did read some doujins, though.
Anyway, slapping 'Magical' on cigarettes made 'em way different from what I knew.
Which meant.
"Sora, 'Magical' just means something special and different from the norm, right?"
Probably.
"Nah, it's Magical, but not like that."
Nope again.
I'm losing my mind.
"Then what the fuck is Magical?"
"Explaining what Magical is is Magical."
"Fuck, seriously."
At this point, I felt like the crazy one. In a fucked-up world, normals look insane.
But aside from that, this was weird.
"No, but why collect butts separately?"
Just toss 'em all together. Why bother sorting one by one?
Sorting was taking longer than picking up trash.
"To buy Magical cigs at PX for fixed price, you need 20 of these."
"Ah."
Makes sense now.
No wonder there were fewer butts around than in my army days. Good reason for it.
Smokers'll smoke no matter what. That's why they say you quit for life.
If you can't force no-smoking, at least keep the place clean. That's the idea behind the rule.
And from that, I could infer.
"You two both smoke."
Sisters, both smokers.
"Nah, just me. Sora used to be a hardcore Magical heavy smoker, but she quit."
"Oh, Sora?"
Correction.
Just the whitey now.
"Yeah, they used to call her Magical Nine-Tail Fox. She'd smoke nine Magical cigs at once."
"Hey, sis! That's the past! Stop telling senior!"
Explains the overly detailed rundown. Smokers know their shit better than anyone.
Surprising, though. Figured the buzzcut wouldn't smoke.
Or maybe she does 'cause she's buzzcut.
Or buzzcut from smoking.
Whatever. Not my business.
Sora? Kinda fits her sharp image. Nine at once is wild, but.
Right then, Sora—who'd been scolding the whitey—glanced at me nervously and whispered.
"Senior, you hate girls who smoke?"
Something to be nervous about?
It's all personal preference.
"Not hate, but a slight turn-off?"
"Really? Hmm, guess I'll keep holding back then."
One word, and Sora's beaming, acting all coy.
What a fox.
She called herself a lesbian, but now she's trying to look good?
Meanwhile, whitey shot her a puzzled look.
"You never tried a cig?"
"Nope. Never."
Never had the setup for it.
Before getting isekai'd, I dumped all my cash into stocks. Couldn't justify cig money. No reason or spare time.
Here? Life sucked so bad I wanted to try, but couldn't.
Assassins hunting me 24/7—lighting up would've given away my position. Ember or smell.
Worked in my favor, actually. Smokers were easy to spot in the dark.
"Huh. Here, take one."
Whitey suddenly handed me a cig.
I recoiled and refused.
"Hey, I don't smoke."
"It's Magical top-shelf, so keep it. Smoke it when you're feeling dickish. It'll make you happy. I got others anyway."
"Sigh."
Ended up taking it reluctantly.
I don't smoke, but I'd heard mast from smokers is sacred. How do you refuse that?
Her way of bonding, probably.
Guess I had to accept.
Ditch it on the sly later.
"Anyway, let's hurry! Still a ton left!"
Sora was right—our area was barely dented.
No deadline, but finishing early meant more chill time. If we didn't show it.
But we didn't finish cleaning.
[Chuu-in! Come back! Right now!]
[Ibo too. All Magical Girls assembling now.]
Whitey and Sora's mascots suddenly summoned us.
[Chuu-in, hurry! General Mahou Showjo's waiting!]
[Ibo, move it. White Phoenix says it's urgent.]
And the summoner? A general no less.
White Phoenix—probably the white Magical Girl.
Wonder what the sudden urgency was.
"What's this about?"
"Dunno."
"Same."
Getting close to dinner time. What could they want?
But.
"Now we're going to catch a Magical major criminal."
The white Magical Girl's words were even stranger.