The Rebellious Heart
She squeezed her eyes shut. Her breathing had gone ragged. If it had not been for the will of the Emperor of Great Jin, would such a tragic bloodbath ever have befallen the Bai family — a catastrophe in which not a single man of the clan survived? Why else would her mother have led her aunts to hang themselves in despair? Why else would her fifth aunt, who had given birth barely days before, have carried her own coffin to the gate and taken her life there, unable to bear the weight of her grief?
Every time Bai Jingyan recalled it, it felt as though someone were carving out her heart with a knife. She trembled from head to toe under the suffocating ache — a grief that had festered into her bones and set her very heart ablaze.
"Jingyan!"
The Grand Princess read the rising resentment in her granddaughter's eyes, went rigid with alarm, and pulled the girl close to her. There was something chillingly grave and sharp in the old woman's gaze.
"Are you thinking of treason?"
The Grand Princess believed Bai Jingyan more than capable of it. Though she had kept indoors for so long, Bai Jingyan held immense authority within the Bai Family Army. If she ever truly let rebellion take root in her heart and moved against the throne, Great Jin would surely be thrown into turmoil.
The Grand Princess did not even want to imagine such a scene. If the granddaughter she cherished most were truly to commit treason...
She clenched her jaw. The whites of her eyes were threaded red. If Bai Jingyan ever truly turned traitor, then she — the Grand Princess of Great Jin — could never simply stand by and watch. She would have to confine Bai Jingyan for the rest of her days, and if it came to it, even... No. Whatever it took, she could not allow the imperial authority of the Yun clan to be shaken.
Bai Jingyan kept her eyes closed and barely managed to smother the resentment surging up from her chest. Only after a long silence did she speak, slowly.
"Grandmother, your granddaughter would never dare violate the Bai family's ancestral creed — choose loyalty and righteousness; let personal glory and even life come after. Nor could I ever sully the reputation for loyalty and valor our family has built over a hundred years."
"Jindong wishes to walk the merchant's road, so please let her change her name, dress as a boy, and go far from Dadu. If a true calamity ever falls upon the Bai family, then at the very least her life might be spared! And once she has made her fortune, she could aid the family with gold, if nothing else."
Her grandmother's eyes, boring into her, still burned with anger — it seemed she did not believe a word of it. Bai Jingyan pressed on.
"I have thought about this a great deal. If Grandfather, Father, my uncles, and my brothers truly cannot come home, then please grant us leave to move the entire household back to our ancestral seat at Suyang. Dadu is full of pitfalls, and Grandfather's nature was always too upright — he must have made bitter enemies among the corrupt ministers of court. There is not a single Bai left in the court now. They say a crowd's mouths can melt even iron, and that enough slander will destroy a man. Only by returning to Suyang can we protect what remains of our family."
Hearing her out, the Grand Princess fell silent for a moment before releasing Bai Jingyan's hands. Then she nodded slowly, fingers smoothing over her prayer beads.
Bai Jingyan was right. Nothing in this world was more fearsome than the mouths of the multitude. Only recently, when news of victory after victory had arrived from the front, the treacherous ministers of court had loudly praised the Duke of Zhenguo as an invincible commander. On the surface it looked like admiration, but their true aim was obvious: the Duke's achievements were swelling by the day, and they meant to use that very fact to unsettle the Emperor, to plant suspicion of the Duke in his mind. The Grand Princess knew this reality all too well herself.
At last the Grand Princess spoke, her words weighted with meaning.
"Jingyan, never forget this. You are the granddaughter of the Grand Princess of Great Jin. The imperial blood flows in your veins as well — you must never harbor a rebellious heart!"
Bai Jingyan bowed her head and looked down at her own fingers, drained of color where her grandmother had gripped them too tightly. It was hard to suppress the loneliness swelling within her, the weariness pressing down like a weight. She answered in a low voice.
"I will not forget."
At the sight of her like this, the Grand Princess's heart softened. With a pained expression, she gently stroked Bai Jingyan's hair.
"The portrait painter sent me likenesses of you sisters, but yours was nowhere among them."
"I've never much cared for such things," Bai Jingyan answered quietly.
What use would a portrait be, if I cannot even protect the Bai family?
Bai Jingyan lingered a while longer in conversation with the Grand Princess before taking her leave. She had just walked to the entrance of Changsu Garden when she heard Nanny Zhang instruct the Grand Princess's maid Yeonsim to go and fetch the Third Young Miss.
Bai Jingyan stood for a long while beneath the inscribed plaque at the gate of Changsu Garden, staring up at it blankly. An indescribable bitterness and loneliness settled over her like a shroud.
She had believed her grandmother, like her, would fight with everything she had to protect the Bai family. But her grandmother was the Grand Princess of Great Jin — a daughter of the Yun clan. And Great Jin was the Yun clan's realm.
Seeing Bai Jingyan's reddening eyes fixed on the plaque, Chun Tao assumed she was worried for the Grand Princess's health and murmured soothingly,
"Eldest Young Miss, the Grand Princess is blessed with such fortune and grace that she'll be right as rain once winter passes."
Bai Jingyan came back to herself and nodded, gripping her hand warmer tightly.
"Let's go."
Right — rebirth was far too absurd a tale to tell. Setting aside whether her grandmother would believe it, if the story only made the old woman wary of her, everything would grow that much more tangled.
So long as she left the Yun clan's hold on Great Jin's realm untouched, she and her grandmother at least stood on the same side when it came to protecting the Bai family. That much was enough.
As Chun Tao helped Bai Jingyan into the courtyard, her gaze caught on Chunyan, pale-faced, pacing anxiously beneath the eaves.
The moment Chunyan saw Bai Jingyan return, she hurried out to meet her. Wringing her handkerchief as if to tear it, she bowed — and looked so desperate that even the rims of her eyes had gone red.
"Eldest Young Miss, today Prince Liang was assassinated on Chang'an Street — he lies unconscious! The situation is dire, so please send Physician Hong at once to attend His Highness! Physician Hong was the disciple of Imperial Physician Huang, former head of the Imperial Physicians' Office, and a man of great renown — he can surely save Prince Liang!"
Chun Tao had accompanied Bai Jingyan to meet Zhen Xiangzhi that day. At Chunyan's words, her heart suddenly began to pound.
Bai Jingyan fixed Chunyan with a razor-sharp stare. She wanted to tear Prince Liang limb from limb — she would not even have minded leaving him to die as he was — and this maid wanted her to send Physician Hong to save him? What an audacious dream.
"Chunyan, have you finally lost your mind? If Prince Liang was assassinated, the Imperial Physicians' Office will see to him! Sending Physician Hong to Prince Liang on our Eldest Young Miss's name — what utter nonsense is this? What of the Eldest Young Miss's honor and integrity?"
Chun Tao rebuked her in a voice thick with fury.
Chunyan dropped to her knees in desperation, tears streaming down her face.
"Eldest Young Miss, I was wrong. I was only thinking of you — my heart was racing, I spoke without thinking!"
"The more you talk, the madder you sound! You—"
Before Chun Tao could finish, Bai Jingyan looked at Chunyan once, her eyes cold as frost.
"Shall I have you sent to Prince Liang's estate, along with your indenture papers?"
Chunyan went white with terror, eyes flying wide, and bowed her head to the ground.
"This servant was wrong. Eldest Young Miss, please don't be angry!"
"Chunyan, never forget whose woman you are, or whose interests you ought to serve. A maid whose body is here but whose heart is elsewhere — I will not tolerate her."
With that, Bai Jingyan walked into the room. Chunyan was being kept around because there was still some use for her. If not for that, she would have long since had the woman thrown out of the estate.
Chun Tao shot Chunyan a fierce glare, then quickened her pace ahead to raise the screen for Bai Jingyan.
Still kneeling in the courtyard, Chunyan turned her head to watch Bai Jingyan's receding figure. She could no longer plead her case; she could only wipe away the tears that fell without end.
She could not understand why the Eldest Young Miss was so heartless. Prince Liang had eyes only for her — had given his heart to her alone! And now that such a prince lay in mortal danger, why would the Eldest Young Miss neither ask after him nor spare him a flicker of concern? Had those who marched to war truly had their hearts replaced with iron, their natures hardened into cold, pitiless steel?
Bai Jingyan had scarcely finished her midday meal when Bai Jindong came hurrying into Qinghui Garden. Still wearing the snow that clung to her clothes without so much as a moment to brush it off, she poked her head straight into Bai Jingyan's room.
"Big Sister!"
Bai Jingyan covered her mouth with a handkerchief and spat her rinse water into the basin. Seeing Bai Jindong's eyes shining, unable to hide her elation, warmed Bai Jingyan's heart. To see that beaming smile again — it filled her with simple, unclouded joy.
She said with a smile, "Did you dine with Grandmother?"
Bai Jindong shed her cloak and handed it to the maid who had followed her in, then came close.
"Everyone's out."
"Chun Tao, wait outside."
Bai Jingyan tilted her head slightly toward Chun Tao, who nodded and withdrew to the outer room with the maids.
"Big Sister!"
Bai Jindong sat down on the stool beside Bai Jingyan, too excited to contain herself, and seized her hand.
"Grandmother is giving me capital and attaching people to my party! She wants me to dress as a man and become a merchant! She says she won't nag me about marriage anymore!"
The Grand Princess had decided to bring along the grandson she had been raising separately at her own estate. On the fifteenth of the first month she would take the Bai sisters to offer prayers at Qing'an Temple, and under the pretext of praying for Great Jin, she would remain there — with Bai Jindong, the Bai family's Third Young Miss, attending her. She meant to spend the time tutoring the grandson she had not seen in so long.
Bai Jingyan lowered her head with a smile. Rubbing warmth into Bai Jindong's hands, chilled from the wind, she asked,
"What reason did Grandmother give you?"
Bai Jindong answered without much thought.
"She said the seventeen sons of the Bai family will all have to split off into their own households someday, and since I have a talent for trade, I should earn a comfortable fortune for my brothers! Of course I know that's not the real reason — but so what? Walking the merchant's road is exactly what I wanted!"
Bai Jingyan's gaze dropped. Remembering how her grandmother had flushed with excitement earlier, unconsciously baring her killing intent when she asked whether Bai Jingyan harbored thoughts of rebellion, her eyes burned red and her throat tightened until she could scarcely breathe.
Steadying the raw, aching place in her chest, she poured Bai Jindong a cup of hot tea. She pushed the cup toward her, lifted her head again, and spoke with grave seriousness.
"Listen carefully to what I'm about to say, and start preparing your heart."
There were words she could not say to her grandmother — but words she had to say to Bai Jindong. They were daughters of the Bai family, and Bai Jingyan never once doubted that Bai Jindong, like her, would defend the family with her very life.
Bai Jindong's face turned serious in answer.
"Yes, Big Sister."
"Grandfather's achievements grew so great that the Emperor feels threatened. And Grandfather was always proud and unyielding, utterly incapable of bending — he has long been at odds with the corrupt ministers who fawn around the throne. His Majesty believes only their slander, sees our family as a tiger crouched at his bedside, and means to remove us against whatever may come. So Grandfather's position on the Southern Border will be desperate."
Bai Jindong's hands clenched. Reading the deep, dark murderous intent in Bai Jingyan's reddened eyes, she was terrified.
"Big Sister?"
It felt as though Bai Jingyan's throat were boiling. She gripped Bai Jindong's hand hard and gestured for her to keep listening.
"I ordered you to change your name and go in men's dress partly to keep you safe — but also because I want you to build a safeguard for the Bai family. How else could a wealthy foreign merchant like Xiao Rongyan have become a guest of honor to our princes and the great noble houses? Money can preserve a life — and money can raise a man to the heavens."
Bai Jindong, who had believed she was merely being given room to exercise her talents, suddenly felt her shoulders crushed under a weight of a thousand catties, until even breathing seemed a struggle.
