Mother
Bai Jingyan continued in a low voice.
"Our Bai family is a distinguished house of high office—wanting for no imperial favor. But we need a path by which we can retreat. Grandmother is here to manage the household, so the outside world I'll entrust to you. How far your talent and your mind can carry you—that will depend on your fortune, and on the fortune of our Bai clan. All this elder sister asks is that you understand the true weight of what you're taking on."
Bai Jindong clenched her fists. The high spirits with which she had entered Qinghui Courtyard vanished entirely, and in a moment she grew grave and composed. She rose to her feet and bowed deeply to Bai Jingyan.
"Elder Sister, don't you worry! I'll do my very best."
Before long, Bai Jindong left Bai Jingyan's room with a heavy heart. Her maid hurried forward to drape a cloak over her shoulders, and Bai Jindong bowed her head in slow, listless motion, staring down at her feet.
Elder Sister is so careful and steady by nature—she would never have said such a thing without a reason.
Standing outside Qinghui Courtyard, Bai Jindong gazed up at the Duke's estate, its pillars and beams lavishly ornamented. Cold sweat trickled down her spine. In the capital of Dadu, the Bai name gleamed as brilliantly as a flower in bloom. Had she—even had everyone within the Bai estate—been drunk on that splendor all this time?
If her elder sister had not pointed it out, Bai Jindong would never even have conceived the thought that His Majesty might look upon the Duke of Zhenguo's estate with suspicion.
Chun Tao was just seeing Bai Jindong off and about to return inside when, at the entrance, she glimpsed two maids carrying out the sandbags Nanny Tong had hidden away—who knew where they had dug them up from.
Frowning, Chun Tao cast a quick glance toward the inner room, then gathered her skirts and hurried down the steps, lowering her voice. "Why are these things being brought out?"
Ever since Bai Jingyan had been injured, her mother, Lady Dong, had feared the sight of such things would pain her daughter, and had ordered Nanny Tong of Qinghui Courtyard to hide every last one.
"What's this about bringing things out?"
Supported by Nanny Jin, Lady Dong came through the gates of Qinghui Courtyard.
"Madam!"
Chun Tao bowed hastily.
Lady Dong possessed a beauty both lovely and refined. Her face, gorgeous yet bearing an air of noble grace, carried the same calm dignity as the Grand Duchess herself; even standing silently, she radiated a commanding presence.
The two maids started violently and bent low in their answer. "Madam, the Eldest Miss gave orders to bring out the sandbags she used for martial training as a child."
Lady Dong knit her brow and, without another word, went straight into the inner room.
Chun Tao hastened to the door and raised the screen curtain for her.
The moment she stepped through, Lady Dong's eyes fell on Bai Jingyan reclining against her pillows. She shed her cloak, took the food box from the maid's hands, and drew near her daughter.
"Are you tired, my dear?"
Bai Jingyan had spoken at length with Bai Jindong only moments ago, and she was worn.
Every time she recalled her grandmother's hard-line stance—that the Jin imperial house must be protected no matter the cost—her heart felt as though it were being torn apart beyond all endurance. If she had truly spoken the word "rebellion" in that hall, the grandmother who lived in her memory would likely have dragged her straight to the family shrine and locked her away, never to see the light of day again.
Looking up at her mother, Bai Jingyan felt something hot and bitter surge up within her, and she very nearly broke down and wept. She wanted nothing more than to simply fall into her mother's arms.
Struggling to bear the burning ache in her chest, she forced a smile and hurried to welcome her mother instead.
"Why have you come all this way in such heavy snow?"
After seating Lady Dong by the low hearth, Bai Jingyan stood beside her and took her mother's hand in a firm grip, refusing to let go. Her eyes seemed to redden yet again.
"You must have been exhausted, seeing Jinxiu married off. Why haven't you rested?"
"I've been so busy these past days I haven't had a single moment to see you."
Lady Dong raised her hand and gently smoothed her daughter's dark hair.
"Come here and sit. This old mother made you ginseng chicken soup herself."
Bai Jingyan nodded and sat down across the table. Lady Dong opened the food box with her own hands, lifted out the bowl of soup, and set it before her. Bai Jingyan scooped up only a small spoonful and took a single bite, then let her long lashes fall to hide her reddened eyes.
She was simply glad that her mother was still alive in this world.
Her nose stung, and a tear fell into the bowl of soup. Fearing Lady Dong might notice, Bai Jingyan hastily ducked her head.
"I saw the maids carrying out the sandbags. Why did you order them brought out?"
Lady Dong asked in a quiet voice.
Bai Jingyan did not dare raise her head. She took another swallow of soup before answering.
"I've been lying in bed for so long that I feel my body weakening. I want to move a little."
"Movement is good for you, but it's still the depths of winter—why not wait a while longer? When warm spring comes and the flowers bloom, you can start then, can't you?"
Lady Dong urged her gently, a crease of worry between her brows.
The Duke of Zhenguo had raised Bai Jingyan like a son from the time she was small. Every day she had been made to strap on sandbags and practice the military fist forms, to hold the horse-stance, and to suffer every hardship a warrior's training could devise.
Even when Bai Jingyan had been in perfect health, Lady Dong had ached to watch her daughter endure such brutal training. Now, with a body not yet healed, she was trying to repeat the torments of her childhood all over again—it was enough to tear a mother's heart in two.
Warmth spreading through her chest, Bai Jingyan looked up with a smile, her eyes crinkling.
"Mother, I won't push myself too hard. I know my own body best. I'll just tie the sandbags to my arms and practice my calligraphy indoors—I won't even feel the cold."
"Even so, it's too much hardship. This old mother worries her heart out over your poor body……"
At the sight of Lady Dong's eyes, brimming with tender affection, Bai Jingyan pretended to choke, coughing violently as fat tears spilled down her cheeks. The ache in her heart was more than she could bear.
"Quickly, pour water for the young lady!"
Lady Dong rose in a flurry, hurried behind Bai Jingyan, and rubbed her back.
"A grown young lady, choking on her soup!"
Fearing her mother's worry, Bai Jingyan lifted her head, wiped her tears with the handkerchief Chun Tao handed her, and answered with a smile.
"Mother, I know I've lost my martial arts to this injury, but you mustn't treat me like an invalid and coddle me so. As the eldest legitimate daughter of the Duke of Zhenguo's estate, I have to set an example for my younger siblings."
Those were the very words the late Duke of Zhenguo had once used when teaching Bai Jingyan.
Lady Dong took out a handkerchief and wiped her daughter's mouth, sighing.
"Search the whole of Dadu and you won't find another household whose daughters suffer as ours do!"
"Mother, you've even gone to the trouble of making me soup. I don't suffer at all."
Bai Jingyan took Lady Dong's hand and pressed it against her own cheek. Nuzzling tenderly against her mother's palm, she refused to let go.
Raised under the care of the Grand Princess and the Duke of Zhenguo, Bai Jingyan had grown up proper and composed. Even as a little girl, such displays of affection toward Lady Dong had been rare.
At the sudden sight of her daughter leaning into her and acting spoiled, it was Lady Dong whose eyes welled up instead. She laughed softly and poked Bai Jingyan's forehead with a finger.
"Have you turned back into a child? Acting spoiled with your own mother."
"Mother, no matter how grown I become, I'm still your daughter."
Bai Jingyan spoke with warmth, but her aching heart was brimming over with tears.
In this life, she would never allow circumstances to drive her mother to take her own life. Even if her body broke and her bones were shattered to pieces, she would protect her mother no matter what.
The maids and nannies in the room, seeing Bai Jingyan act endearing for the very first time, were all busy hiding their smiles behind their handkerchiefs.
"As if I don't know you! You're only doing this because you want your own way!"
Lady Dong shook out her handkerchief with a huff, sat down at the edge of the table, and pushed the bowl of soup back toward Bai Jingyan.
"Fine, fine. If that's what you want, do as you like. But in moderation—absolutely no overdoing it."
Bai Jingyan nodded meekly.
"Yes, Mother."
Not seeing Nanny Dong, who attended Bai Jingyan, Lady Dong asked after her.
"Nanny Dong hasn't returned yet?"
"Her son was injured, so before midday I sent Chunyan to her house with some silver. I also told her to come back once her son has recovered."
Understanding the heart of a mother all too well, Lady Dong nodded.
"A courtyard cannot be without its nanny. Before Nanny Dong returns—"
"Mother, even without Nanny Dong, I have Chun Tao—so calm and so experienced. I'd like to train her properly while I have the chance. So please don't worry about my courtyard's affairs."
At Bai Jingyan's words, Chun Tao, seemingly overwhelmed by praise she hardly felt she deserved, started in surprise and bowed hastily.
"I will work hard so as never to fail the Eldest Miss's expectations."
Lady Dong nodded.
"Yes, Chun Tao is a sensible girl."
"Madam, you flatter me. I hardly know where to put myself."
Chun Tao's manner grew ever more deferential.
Lady Dong turned her head and gazed at Bai Jingyan, who wore a faint smile, and recalled the grand spectacle of Bai Jinxiu's wedding that very day. The thought of her own daughter's marriage, its timing uncertain, made her heart ache. Lest her daughter notice and grieve along with her for no reason, Lady Dong lingered only a little while longer before taking her leave.
The next day, as the dawn rooster crowed, a menial servant heading out to sweep fetched a wooden basin and shuffled from her room mid-yawn. The moment she spotted Bai Jingyan holding the horse-stance in the courtyard, she started so badly she couldn't even finish the yawn, and bowed at once.
"Eldest Miss."
"Go on with your work. Mind you dress warmly."
Chun Tao spoke up.
Beads of sweat rolled down Bai Jingyan's jaw from her thin training clothes and dripped steadily to the ground. Heat radiated from her head and body. Chun Tao stood off to one side with a face full of worry, too anxious to do anything but wring her handkerchief in her hands. She dared not try to dissuade her mistress; all she could do was stare at the water clock, willing the time to pass more quickly.
Sweat streamed down Bai Jingyan until her clothes were nearly soaked through. Half a shichen had passed since she took the horse-stance, and she wasn't even wearing the sandbags—yet she already seemed to have reached her limit.
To reclaim the martial arts she had lost, she would have to endure the very hardships of her childhood, all over again, from the beginning. However hard it became, she had to see it through to the end.
In her past life, Bai Jingyan had been forced to suffer every torment imaginable so that she could once more don armor and take the field. She had come within a hair's breadth of death more times than she could count, and she had endured it all with grief clenched in her heart.
In this life, the family she cherished was still alive. So even if she had to endure hardships ten million times greater than those of her past life, she could bear it—and she must. When the Bai family's hour of peril came, she could not very well recover her strength after living on as a helpless invalid while her entire family lost their lives and the clan sank into ruin.
Heaven had taken pity on the Bai clan and sent her back to the past. It had certainly not sent her back to live among the nameless masses, watching the Bai family crumble before her eyes a second time.
Bai Jingyan tightened every muscle in her chest, drew another deep breath, and held on to the very end.
As the full shichen drew to a close, Chun Tao rushed over to support her.
"Eldest Miss, a full shichen has passed!"
Bai Jingyan was drenched from head to toe. The strength drained entirely from her legs, and she nearly collapsed as she tried to rise.
"Eldest Miss, mind yourself!"
Chun Tao's eyes brimmed with tears of pity.
"Have water prepared."
Bai Jingyan gave the order in a low voice.
"Yes……"
Chun Tao answered.