Orc and 400 Lunatics: Day 3 - What the Actual Fuck?
What the fuck? No, what the actual fuck? Damn, this shit... heh, really, I can't fucking endure without swearing. In the plot, this is the moment where the protagonist—me—and the heroine lock eyes, and it kicks off some pure shoujo manga romance, right? Where the hell did that female knight with eyes full of lust disappear to? In those cheap isekai light novels, eyes meet and they do everything but straight-up fuck, yeah? But why is my reality playing Pokémon for adults, where she direct-attacks the trainer the second our eyes meet? You fucking kidding me?! No, seriously, are you screwing with me? I've got three Pokémon lined up behind me—let me send one out too! Direct-attacking when my field is wide open? That's goddamn Yu-Gi-Oh! Know the fucking rules!
"Agh! This game is such bullshit!"
Losing an arm? Didn't give a shit. I'm an orc, right? I can just stick it back on, so really, losing an arm was no big deal. Honestly, in that moment, I felt like a goddamn superhero—like one of those comic book or movie heroes I'd idolized as a kid! What, you say getting your arm chopped off doesn't make you a superhero? Even though it was cleanly severed, seeing my left arm fly off made me feel like Bucky—total delinquent punk on his own side, but total chump next to Captain America.
"Nah, it's that kind of hero, but a bit different."
"Have you lost your mind? Get out of my way, you ugly—"
Are humans around here just naturally this rude? I've spent my whole life around orcs and other non-humans, so how the hell would I know? Anyway, I told my minions to reattach my arm that'd fallen to the ground, then pointed my remaining hand at the lewd female knight (future harem member) in front of me and yelled.
"Hey! Shut the fuck up! Don't interrupt my monologue! Once is enough for bad manners!"
"...No more words are needed."
There! See that? Time suddenly slows down, right? You don't? Of course not! This is a view only I get! Right now, I can clearly see every strand of hair on the female knight's head as she charges at me with her sword drawn for a two-step slash, even the horse's hooves pounding step by step toward me. Just like moments ago when I watched my arm get neatly sliced off—it's that movie slow-motion you see when a flying fighter barely dodges a punch. The hero I didn't mention earlier? Spider-Man, right after getting bit by the spider, casually dodging the school bully's fist in slow-mo like Peter Parker.
What? You say that scene's not in the Spider-Man you watched? Doesn't feel like Spider-Man?
"Yeah, kids these days only know Homecoming crap."
In just a few seconds of my solo chit-chat, my arm—dropped outta nowhere—was back on like nothing happened. I quickly checked my left arm's condition, then yanked the minotaur who'd just reattached it right in front of me.
"Cunning bastard. I'll slice that shield you're hiding behind in one go!"
"Slice?! Heh heh! This slutty knight lady, spoiling yourself already? Can't have that!"
Fine, then. Spoilers for spoilers. The distance between the already-spoiled minotaur and the knight trying to spoil early? A measly four meters! The minotaur must've guessed what I was planning—he struck a pose like "sun salute."
"Minotaur bro, titty pump party!!"
"Moooo~♥"
"What?!"
I twisted and squeezed the minotaur's nipple, and milk sprayed out! See, I told you from the start. When eyes meet, it's time to send out Pokémon!
-Hii, hiiiing!
The female knight's white horse got hit square in the eyes by the minotaur's sudden Hydro Pump from his nipple—it let out a pained neigh and collapsed to its knees mid-charge, toppling over. Caught off-guard, the knight couldn't react in time and rocketed off the horse straight at me like a missile.
Newton's First Law of Motion—inertia. With the horse's full speed carrying her, she hurtled toward me. I shoved the minotaur aside—who'd been standing right in front—and spread my arms wide to welcome her. Even in her panic from the unexpected chaos, the knight was mid-air, adjusting her stance to land a lethal blow.
Yes! Now everyone learns why orcs and female knights are perfect together—the moment we've all been waiting for! No CG, no mosaics, so sit back and enjoy—
Shwaaak—!
"...Guess we need a mosaic after all."
The left arm I'd just reattached? Sliced off again. In that split-second pass—less than a second—as we brushed by, she protected herself from my hug and severed my left arm. One wrong twitch, and it'd have been my head!
I turned back, brushing dirt off my left arm now splattered on the ground and gushing blood again. The knight had already recovered her stance, scanning me and my minions while repositioning.
"I won't waste time on scum like you!"
"Oh? Is that so? Why? Your base getting pelted by boulders, so you came to block 'em?"
A screech like metal scraping—kyeeeng—she looked ready to charge again. I casually reattached my left arm while staring her down, and her expression shifted.
"Sliced twice, and it's back on in seconds? That regeneration... you're no ordinary orc."
Hearing bullshit I'd never heard before, I asked my minions.
"Hey, aren't all orcs like this?"
"The boss is the weird one, kiiing kiiing kiiing!"
Even the Cerberus with three tails instead of heads reacted like that—made me feel like I was the freak. But my dad? Mom'd rip his limbs off, he'd slap 'em back on the stump, and by next day, good as new.
"Some orcs can do it, but not like the boss—just slapping it on doesn't always stick, kiiing."
Guy claims to have eaten plenty of orcs, so sounded legit. The others didn't react much differently. While I was nodding like "ah, gotcha," something must've caught her ear—the knight's glare sharpened.
"'Boss,' you say...?"
"Ah."
I knew she was the human side's boss, but she didn't know I was ours, right?
"I see... Red Bear. Now it makes sense—that name comes from the bear pelt you're wearing."
Up till now, it was kinda fair, but now she's eyeing me like "I'm killing you for sure." I tried to deny it—"No"—but
"Yeah! Our boss! Our great boss!"
"Heroes and shit, you'll kneel before our boss's greatness, kiiing!"
These extras who do nothing but spout lines from the back? Perfectly (helpfully to the enemy) ruining everything.
"Hey..."
I tried saying something to the knight, but
"Euuugh."
The knight—how the hell'd she get this close without me noticing? I'd blinked for a second, but still!
"This ends now!"
With a badass line, her sword thrust straight for my gut. Even for an orc, taking a hit from the knight who'd shredded my arm like cabbage kimchi? No guaranteeing I'd survive. But wherever you crawled from, mutt—you ain't getting me! If I go down, I'll plant an apple tree first!
I thrust my palm straight at the incoming blade tip.
Puk!—flesh-ripping sound, sword piercing through my hand's back. Unlike the careless arm-loss moments, my tensed-up palm muscles slowed her blade just enough. Then, the sword that'd seemed unstoppable halted, embedded in my hand.
"Y-You...!?"
Using your body as a shield to block the sword. Not rare on the battlefield—for me or that so-called heroine. Normally, she'd pull back to yank it out. But with my wok-lid grip? No such option.
Life-or-death tug-of-war! Truth is, I've never wielded a weapon, and she looks way more skilled. All I could do was improvise with my body! So yeah, desperate hand-block, but crouching low for defense left my heart exposed if she pushed deeper. But,
"How about this!"
What if I close the gap instead?
"What?!"
No matter how confident a monster is in its body, a pierced heart's fatal—instinct screams retreat and wait. But ha! Me biding time means she's doing the same.
"No hesitation—I'll end it here!"
Even if my heart gets pierced and I die!
Power like a giraffe's from my log-thick legs shrank the gap—even with a sword between us. But had she predicted this?
"As you wish—I'll pierce your heart right here!"
"The one getting pierced is you!!"
She didn't hold back either—thrusting in too.
"But what about this?"
I had the size advantage, pressing from above. What if I suddenly dropped lower? Kneeling abruptly, Newton's First again—inertia—sent her thrusting stab into empty air.
Situation flipped. Her gut-aimed sword barely grazed my forehead hair, whiffing harmlessly.
"Haha, dummy! I knelt to"
Haha! Now, what if an orc goes low for your gut?
"Th-This!"
"Build momentum!"
Spring-like legs unleashed elastic force, and
"Honestly, wanted to gut-punch you since I first saw ya!"
Bam! My idle right fist's hook slammed her plate armor.