I Went to the Capital and Became a Beast - 4
I ran wherever my feet carried me, mindlessly, desperately. I cast aside every scrap of dignity and authority and ran. No matter what voices rose around me, I paid them no mind.
If I stopped here, I would never catch my baby again. If I were even a little late, I would lose my baby forever.
Without my baby, what use were any of the things I possessed? In a world without my baby, what meaning was there in being a duke or a tower master? Even if I had everything, without my baby—the most important baby of all—
Where are you, baby…
Yet no matter how hard I ran, my baby was nowhere to be seen. My breath grew short; running itself became a struggle. In that moment it truly felt as though the sky were collapsing.
I, who could not use magic, was this powerless. My baby could reduce me to this—to someone so incompetent, so utterly worthless.
Tears welled up again and blurred my vision. Worthless as I was, I had ignored my baby. I had turned away from my baby’s pain, refused to listen to my baby’s wishes, and acted on my own, certain my baby would be happy.
“Baby… baby…”
Self-loathing made my body tremble. Strength left my legs and I sank to the ground.
No—even this time alone for self-reproach was a luxury. I had to apologize. Even if I was never forgiven, I still had to apologize. I could not let my baby’s last memory of me be stained by my own ugliness.
I forced my trembling legs to move. I fell more times than I could count and rose again just as many. Whenever I saw a passerby I seized them and asked if they had seen my baby. Each time I was met with stares of pure shock, but I did not care.
“If you mean a man in a black uniform, he went that way a little while ago. I don’t know if it was the Audit Department Chief, but…”
Fortunately there was progress. Thanks to one shopkeeper’s answer, I finally learned where my baby had gone.
I ran again until I reached the mansion—my baby’s own mansion.
He’s here.
I felt genuine relief. I had been terrified that my baby might have already left the Imperial Capital.
Fortunately it was not too late. My baby was still in the capital. That meant I still had a chance.
Hope that I was not too late. Clinging to that hope, I moved forward once more. Pain shot up from my knees with every limping step toward the main gate. The guards stationed there barred my way.
“P-please stop. Beyond this point is the residence of Karl Crassius, the Empire’s Audit Department Chief—”
“Tell them the Magic Lord, Duke Servette, has arrived.”
At those words the guards exchanged glances; one of them hurried inside. Moments later he returned with a man.
For a fleeting instant I hoped it might be my baby, but of course it was not. My baby would not want to see me.
The man who had come out in my baby’s place was the butler who managed this mansion. I asked him whether my baby was here, whether I might see my baby.
“…The master has said he will receive no guests.”
At the butler’s hesitant reply I sank straight to the ground.
“Even so, once the master learns that the Magic Lord has come, he will surely welcome you.”
“No… it’s all right…”
Alarmed by my appearance, the butler tried to hurry back into the mansion. Instinctively I caught his sleeve.
My baby had already refused visitors. If the butler announced my arrival now, my baby would only think I had ignored his wishes yet again.
I could not. I could not earn any more of my baby’s hatred.
“How long… will my baby stay?”
“He will most likely return to the Academy tomorrow morning.”
“I see…”
Tomorrow morning. That meant my baby would leave the mansion then.
Then I would wait. I only needed to wait here until morning.
For the sake of seeing my baby, I could wait as long as it took.
The moment I closed my eyes I opened them again. Just let me sleep, please.
But the butler bursting in with “panic” written all over his face, and the urgent news that the Magic Lord had come calling, were more than enough to make me abandon any hope of rest.
I distinctly told them to turn visitors away.
The anger that Yuris’s advice had managed to calm, if only a little, flared up once more. The fresh sting of being struck in the same place again was an unwelcome bonus.
It was still too soon to meet. I had walked out, accepting the rudeness of it, precisely so I could sort through my thoughts. Meeting her while my emotions were still raw would only produce a worse outcome.
That was why I had given orders in advance to refuse all guests—yet now I was going to have to face the Magic Lord anyway.
“Butler. I told you to turn guests away.”
“My apologies, Master. But I felt you truly needed to see this, so I reported it.”
I considered simply ignoring it, yet I rose and went myself. The butler rarely looked that flustered; if he was this shaken, there had to be a reason.
Even as I walked toward the main gate I kept thinking: What would be the proper thing to say when I saw the Magic Lord?
Should I apologize for meeting her after declaring I would not show my face? No—that would sound far too sarcastic.
Should I demand to know by what right she had come? No, that was no good either. I had no intention of forgiving her yet, but I also had no desire to fight further.
Should I simply tell her I had no leisure to receive guests and ask her to leave? That seemed the least terrible option.
—Or so I had thought.
“Ah… baby…”
Every simulation I had run until that moment vanished. Every plan turned to garbage.
The brilliant white hair that had been the Magic Lord’s very symbol hung in a filthy tangle. Her clothes were torn in places; nothing about her looked normal.
And she sat slumped on the ground, barefoot and pitiful. The guards could not bring themselves to lay hands on so noble a duke and could only hover nearby.
What in the world…
I was stunned. I resented and blamed the Magic Lord, yet the affection that had built up over time left my feelings tangled.
I had wanted her to regret and apologize. Not right now, but once I had calmed down, I had wanted to receive that apology.
But this was not it. I wanted to see reflection, not ruin.
“…Your Grace.”
And I certainly did not want to see someone flinch and shrink at the sound of my voice.
A sigh escaped me. Even a sigh could feel like a threat to her right now, yet I could not hold it back.
Damn it.
The weather was already winter-cold, and the sun had set. Walking barefoot in conditions like these—her feet could not possibly be unharmed. Filth was the least of it; they were scraped and raw all over.
Moreover, her clothes—specifically around the knees—showed dark red stains. Anyone could see that was blood.
“Ah, baby… You said you would receive no guests, so I… I was going to wait until you came out… until tomorrow…”
When I only sighed and gave no other reaction, the Magic Lord blurted the words in a fluster.
Another sigh rose. If she had simply grabbed the butler by the collar and demanded to see me, it would not have felt this wretched. She meant to wait until morning? In this weather? On this bare ground?
I looked her over where she sat. Spending the night looking like that—was she out of her mind—
Shit.
My gaze dropped and caught on the object she was clutching. The moment I saw it, I could no longer remain still.
“The wind is cold.”
A pure white comb, stark against the Magic Lord’s ruined appearance.
The first gift I had ever given her—a worthless little thing.
“Let’s go inside and talk.”
That worthless little thing, she was holding as if it were precious.
How could I treat her coldly after seeing that? Even without the comb, the Magic Lord was in no state to be left outside the mansion.
“Y-yes… I understand.”
My own voice came out curt even as I spoke. Yet the Magic Lord, who had been watching me with trembling eyes, scrambled to her feet at even those few words.
And the instant she stood, her legs gave out and she pitched forward.
“Y-Your Grace!”
“Are you all right?!”
The heartbreaking sight made the guards cry out first and rush forward, but the Magic Lord waved them off with a pained groan, so they could not even support her.
I was going mad. How had the Magic Lord ended up like this? Only a few hours had passed since she left the Magic Tower—what could have happened in that short time?
“Your Grace. Allow me to escort you.”
I approached the Magic Lord as she braced her shaking hands against the ground. She clearly could not support herself alone.
“I-I’m fine… You needn’t… concern yourself—”
“Pardon the liberty.”
Looking as though even a passing escaped convict would weep and offer help, yet telling me not to worry? She needed to say something that made sense.
Ignoring her half-formed protests, I carefully lifted her into my arms. Her tear-filled eyes stared blankly up at my face.
“…A guest should obey the master’s words. No more unnecessary talk.”
An admission that I would accept her as a guest.
At that, the Magic Lord bit down hard on her lip and stifled a sob.
I was truly going to lose my mind.
I carried the Magic Lord not to the reception room but to my own chambers. The room had already been prepared for sleep and was well heated—perfect for warming a body that had gone ice-cold.
Putting it that way made it sound as if I were handling a corpse, which left an odd feeling.
“Master. I’ve brought them.”
“Good work.”
Not long after, the butler himself arrived with a basin and damp towels.
“Yuris and Sophia will be here shortly—”
“It’s fine. I’ll do it.”
“Understood. Please call if you need anything.”
The butler withdrew, leaving only the Magic Lord and me in the room. When I glanced at her, she was perched on the edge of the bed, restless and fidgeting.
Seen in proper light, she looked even more wretched. That a noble duke could look worse than a defeated soldier…
“Are you feeling any better?”
The moment I spoke casually, the Magic Lord’s wandering gaze snapped onto me at once.
“Ah—um—yes, I’m fine.”
“I know you’re not, so close your eyes for a moment.”
I had not asked because I wanted to hear that she was fine; I simply ignored the answer.
Looking dazed, the Magic Lord quietly closed her eyes. I carefully wiped her face with a towel. The tear tracks could not be erased, but at least the dust could be cleaned away.
After her face came her hair, her arms, her hands, her knees, her legs—every place that was even slightly dirty, I wiped clean.
“Ah, baby… I can do it my—”
“Quiet.”
I cut off the Magic Lord the moment she tried to speak again. I had already been thoroughly rude to her today; a little more rudeness would hardly matter.
Blood.
Looking at her knees—reddened in more ways than one—only made my mood worse.
The wounds had been faintly visible even through the cloth; seeing them directly was far worse. The scrapes on her knees, the blood that had run down her legs.
Every time I brushed them she flinched—clearly injuries from falling hard.
“…Why did you come?”
Thinking of the Magic Lord who must have run all the way here, who must have fallen again and again, I could not speak gently.
“Did I not tell you? That I would not show my face to Your Grace. Why didn’t you simply ignore this rude bastard?”
A mere noble—worse, a successor without even a title—had declared he was cutting ties with a duke. It would not have been strange for the Magic Lord’s pride to have been wounded on the spot.
Yet she had run. To see me. Because there was something she wanted to say.
And looking at the pitiful Magic Lord, I could guess what that something was.
“How… could I…”
The Magic Lord’s voice came from above my head—cracked, thick with tears.
“After hurting my baby like that… how could I just pretend I didn’t know…”
Now I could hear the sniffling as well. Outside she had managed to hide the sound of crying even while tears fell; with only the two of us here, even that last shred of restraint was gone.
“…I’m sorry.”
At those words, the hand wiping her feet paused for a moment.
“I told myself it was for my baby’s sake… that my baby would like it… I decided all by myself…”
As the Magic Lord’s words continued, I felt something falling onto my head.
No—there was no need to wonder what it was. No matter how I thought about it, it could only be tears.
“I should have… spoken… not just thought alone… I should have… told my baby…”
The Magic Lord’s sobs grew louder. The tears falling onto my hair increased as well.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. Truly… truly…!”
Even through that desperate apology, I did not raise my head.
Because the wounds on her feet were especially bad. Because if I was not careful while cleaning them, it would only hurt more.
Damn it all.
I was going to lose my mind.