064 – Prepare the Worst Gift! #3
Zagreus's prince mansion sat on a plain near Happy World, atop a hill blooming with Asphodel flowers, built in the style of a Greek temple.
"I figured it'd be grandiose, but it's cozier than I thought."
I was straightening my collar at the garden entrance when someone called out to me.
"Joey, what a marvelously fateful coincidence running into you here."
"Lady Melinoë? How did you make it to the party?"
"I walked."
I hadn't meant how she got here, but why. Lady Melinoë's eyes scanned around me.
"Joey, I don't see your partner anywhere."
"She's probably parking."
Parking? With Cerberus? Hellhound parking? Anyway, that wasn't the point right now.
"What brings you to the party, Lady Melinoë? Did you get an invite too?"
"I wasn't invited to the party. I just happened to be strolling by. Remember—a goddess as perfect as me loves her walks."
Not a chance. She came on purpose. But why? As I racked my brain for reasons,
"Joey, don't you have something to say to me, the one you've fatefully bumped into right outside the party?"
"That red dress suits you perfectly. And those pointed heels."
Lady Melinoë sparkled like a veteran player who'd slapped on cash shop items.
Perfect and Beautiful Goddess
She'd even bought the special effects. Doesn't the Chairman hand those out? I pictured her whining to him, "Daddy, engrave me as Perfect and Beautiful Goddess," but the image vanished quick.
Anyway.
No one would call that strollin' gear. Who goes walking dressed like that? That's when I spotted someone approaching from afar.
"Ah, there's my partner now."
"Not that I care. She's surely not prettier than me."
Lady Melinoë huffed, but her eyes darted busily. And the next moment, as expected, the two women locked eyes.
"Huh? Melly? What're you doing here?"
"Mom?"
Whoosh—Lady Melinoë's gaze flickered unsteadily, like damp firewood catching flame.
"Why are you here, Mom?"
"To join the party. What about you? You here for the party too? Wait—where's your partner?! Where?!"
"I was just... out for a walk..."
The ever-poised and aloof Lady Melinoë was somehow fumbling. Like cracks forming in her perfect and beautiful goddess mask.
She barely managed to squeeze out words, turning to me.
"Joey, don't tell me your partner is...?"
"Yes. It felt odd not inviting the mother-in-law to our son and daughter-in-law's party, so I personally extended the invite."
Even Lady Melinoë couldn't snap "Picking someone over me? Turn into a cockroach, ya!" in front of her mom. Which meant the kimchi goddess Chicoreta was the one woman in all Soul Society who could best Lady Melinoë.
How's that for strategy? I can play the game when I need to.
"...Hmph, I figured as much. As a perfect and beautiful goddess, I predicted every little thought in that head of yours, Joey."
Her words said one thing, but her hands fidgeted like mad. Then the kimchi goddess Persephone burst out laughing.
"Puhuhu! Perfect and Beautiful Goddess? Never thought I'd see the day you said that, Melly. Seems like yesterday you were bawling when I visited my parents."
"...I never did that."
"You drew maps on the blanket 'cause ghosts scared you. And you're the Ghost Goddess scared of ghosts..."
"...Anyway! This walk's getting boring. I'm heading home."
Shoosh-shoosh—whoosh. Lady Melinoë floated up like a dandelion seed.
Her mom yelled after her.
"Hey! Flying around in that short skirt shows everything from below! Get down here!"
"......"
Shoosh—whoosh. Back to earth she came. Lady Melinoë vanished into the shadows at a brisk pace, and her goddess mom let out a long sigh.
"Aigoo, she's all grown but still a kid inside. How's she ever gonna marry? Joey Section Chief, you're at HQ these days, right? Heard any rumors?"
"Rumors?"
"Like Melly seeing someone. She never shows interest in that stuff no matter how old she gets. Worrywart mom here."
Anything I said felt like the wrong answer, so I kept my mouth shut. Luckily, the kimchi goddess was the tough sort.
"Well, let's head in!"
She marched right inside without waiting for me. Total my-pace powerhouse. No wonder Lady Melinoë squirmed. And honestly, Melinoë took after her mom a lot.
The pink-haired goddess with twintails was named Luna Nixdoty. Her name differed from the Greek gods' because she'd lived on earth for ages like a normal person. Then she met Prince Zagreus, who escaped to the surface. They fell in love like fate, overcame trials and tribulations, and finally married.
"And so they lived happily ever after."
A screen in the house played footage of their meeting. I wasn't particularly interested.
"Ooh, so many guests! Swarming like hell cockroaches!"
Lady Nixdoty beamed at the crowd. But her pretty brow furrowed into an eight (八) in a flash.
"Eeeeek, Mother-in-law!"
"Girl, it's mother-in-law, not that!"
Persephone approached Lady Nixdoty, who was greeting guests in the lobby, and scolded her. The pink-haired goddess panicked.
"...But 'mother-in-law' feels friendlier... 'Mother-in-law' sounds so formal, like a wall going up..."
"Always with the weird talk!"
"So why're you here, Mother-in-law?!"
"I got invited too. Here's my invite. Ta-da."
"Ooh, shit...! How'd you get that...!"
"...Shit? Mind your manners, girl!"
...This was the dialogue of Soul Society's top-tier goddesses? High-level talk that'd make my head spin. Us mere mortals would burst blood vessels just listening. Good thing I was HQ section chief level to barely hang on.
"Joey Section Chief! Never thought you'd use my invite to bring Mother-in-law! You got me good!"
Lady Nixdoty glared at me, growling like an angry raccoon.
Points deducted?
Now she'd chatter to her husband, Prince Zagreus, "That Joey Section Chief's a total jerk!" Blocking my path to promotion for sure!
...I win.
It'd been a long road. All the effort and sacrifice to get here. My blood, sweat, and tears weren't wasted—it felt damn good. I wasn't wrong. Just one final nail.
So I held out the box in my hand to Lady Nixdoty.
"A gift for you."
"A gift!"
Everything out of Prince Zagreus's first wife's mouth felt like it ended in an exclamation point. Wondering where wives two and three were, I glanced around—
Click.
The box opened, revealing a pitch-black spider. Palm-sized, fluffy with fur.
━Kyang kyang...!
"Th-this is...!?"
Lady Nixdoty's face went sheet-white.
Spiders. Some love 'em, but most agree they're creepy. Gifting one? Instant hate points.
"Soul Society is crawling with hell cockroaches. One pet spider would chase out all the mosquitoes and roaches in your home. Or release it in the garden...?"
I played it casual. But then, something utterly unexpected happened.
Drip drip drip.
Tears streamed from the crown princess goddess's emerald eyes.
Was my gift that horrific? Hold up—too many points lost is bad.
If it dipped too low, it might not be Joey fired, but Joey dismantled. I tensed up, but then she scooped the spider and rubbed her face all over it.
"Kyangkyangie! You're back!"
━Hioong...!
...Kyangkyangie?
That was not the reaction I expected.
"Ahh—! That's Kyangkyangie...! Lady Nixdoty's pet spider from her human days on earth...!"
What...!?
"Kyangkyangie ran away when she left a window open, missing for a whole year...! And Joey Section Chief brought him back...!"
"Joey Section Chief's gift to the Zagreus couple is huge."
"Where and how'd he find it?"
"As expected of the Safety Team demon. Impressive skills!"
My vision went dark. Should've just gone with "black bundle."
And it got worse.
"Ahh, Kyangkyangie! No!"
Lady Nixdoty freaked. The spider Kyangkyangie had leaped onto Persephone's shoulder.
━Kyang kyang...!
"...Eeeeek! Big trouble! Kyangkyangie! Not there! Mother-in-law's scary! She might pickle you in kimchi!"
Tense Nixdoty had me tensing too. But Persephone just stroked the spider on her shoulder with a finger.
"Puhuhu, what a cute, sturdy spider. I raised one like this back in the day. Hid it in a jar 'cause Mom hated 'em and snuck food to it."
"Ooh, shit...! You raised spiders too, Mother-in-law...!?"
"Yup. Named her Meowgie. She'd go meooow when happy!"
"Meowgie 'cause she meows? Lazy name!"
"Says the one who named hers Kyangkyang 'cause it goes kyang kyang."
The two goddesses blossomed into spider talk, all chummy. Like their bickering was a lie moments ago.
"Behold this...! Deeper and darker than Happy World, the mother-in-law gap pulls together like N and S poles...! Joey Section Chief planned it all—truly an Honorary Nymph...!"
"This Carnoy doesn't get it, but something good happened anyway...! Time for the joy nymph dance...!"
Dumchit dumchit.
Dumchit dumchit.
...Honestly, even I had no clue anymore.
The rowdy party ended, late night now. Goddess Nixdoty tucked her returned spider Kyangkyangie into a cozy jar.
"Kyangkyangie, no more running off when I'm gone!"
Goddess Nixdoty wasn't fully divine yet—still naive and innocent in spots. To her, longtime pet spider Kyangkyangie was family itself. Losing and regaining family—nothing happier than today.
"Hot-san, I gave Mother-in-law the house passcode. Cool, right? She'll watch Kyangkyangie when I'm out!"
The man called Hot-san—Zagreus—frowned.
"Why? You said she made you uncomfortable."
"All good now! We talked tons today and bonded! Though she did scold me. No more 'Hot-san'—says call her Zagreus. Name doesn't roll off the tongue!"
"Well, that's the name I used when I ran away here and lived on earth meeting you."
Memories flickered in their eyes. But soon Nixdoty chattered about today's fun bit.
"Joey Section Chief's amazing! Found Kyangkyangie! Even saw the true value of my voodoo! And most of all—beep—right? Getting to that spot ain't easy."
"What? Beepin' so I missed it."
"Ooh, shit...! Censored! Forget I said that! Voodoo cancel—ptoo ptoo! Better now? Don't wanna get on my sisters-in-law's bad side!"
Goddess Nixdoty was the amazing type who could take back words once spoken.