If You Can't Enjoy It, Go Mad #1
A few days ago, the Happy World concert was a resounding success unlike anything the company had seen since its founding. Not only did the new song "Happy World" perfectly hit the mark with those finicky executives, but it even flushed out the rebels hiding in the slums and wiped them clean.
'Why the hell didn't a street concert flop? At this point, I'm starting to scare myself.'
Why did only crap like this keep happening to me?
'Ah, I don't wanna go to work.'
If I showed up at the office, everyone would praise me for my contributions, my performance review would skyrocket again, and I'd get buried under a mountain of new work. That would push me even further from my dream of jumping ship from this hell-cockroach-infested Happy World.
'Today, let's just be late. On purpose.'
I wanted to be blatantly late for no reason at all. It was the only way I could think of to tank my sky-high performance rating, which was now as lofty as Aphrodite's nose.
That's how I slacked my way into the office right around lunchtime.
"M-Mr. Jo, Manager Jo... at this hour...?"
"Wha... why are you here now...?"
Bones the Manager and Marquius stared at me in shock. I figured it was because I was late, but then Bones said something weird.
"Isn't today your reward vacation day? Who comes to the office on vacation! I've been with this company a long time, but I've never seen a workaholic as hardcore as you!"
Reward vacation? What the hell was that?
Ever since that concert of mine succeeded beyond all expectations, I'd been too pissed and frustrated to focus on work. I'd basically been slacking off on purpose, ignoring most of the documents and internal memos sent my way.
My plan was, if something went wrong because I missed an important paper, I could say, "Oops, my bad for slacking—this is on me!"
But apparently, among those ignored docs was this.
Hereby commended.
It was so shiny—like it was made of solid gold—that I wanted to scream. Ever since becoming an outstanding employee, I'd developed an intense aversion to gold.
And tucked in with it was a "Reward Vacation Order."
Meaning, starting today, they were forcing a week-long reward vacation on me.
In other words, I hadn't been late today—I'd come in on my day off.
"Whoa, you're insane, Jo! Even I, Marquius, gotta hand it to you! Company simp!"
"Manager Jo, you're on another level."
"At this rate, you're a total company otaku, right?"
"Coming to the office in a full suit on vacation... even the execs wouldn't go that far...."
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
I wanted to scream from sheer happiness, but I didn't even have the energy left for that, which just pissed me off more.
"...I'll forfeit the reward vacation."
I mustered what strength I had and barely spat out those words.
Bones' bony face broke out in a cold sweat.
"Wh-Why...! Why go that far! What the hell is this company to you! What kind of person are you...?!!!"
Why forfeit vacation? Because if I stayed home, nothing would happen.
I needed to tank my performance review into an abyss deeper than Happy World, and the only way to do that was to stick around the office.
Drip, drip, drip—
Tears flowed freely. Nothing could stop a salaryman who'd voluntarily forfeit vacation for such a noble cause.
From today on, I was the devil himself.
"If you can't avoid it, enjoy it"—sure.
But I couldn't even enjoy it right now.
If you can't avoid it and can't enjoy it, what then?
'The answer's simple: go mad.'
I left the office and headed somewhere.
The door marked "Vice President's Office."
The old me never would've come here.
But Joy the Manager, who'd gone beyond enjoying it to full-on madness, played by different rules.
Hoo—
I took a light breath and knocked.
Knock knock knock.
"This is Manager Jo from Penalty Execution. Sorry to barge in without an appointment or notice, Vice President. Mind if I come in?"
—Come in.
Creeeak.
I opened the door to a dimly lit room. There sat Melinoë on a throne-like chair.
The poor lighting made her laurel crown and glowing red eyes stand out fiercely.
"Manager Jo, dropping by unannounced is a problem. I told you before—I don't play favorites with specific employees."
Oh! Did that dock points?
"But thanks to your Happy World Concert, I snagged a precious 1% of shares. I'm in a good mood, so I'll let this rudeness slide."
Damn it! Knew it!
More than that, 1% shares from the concert? No clue what that meant, but I didn't care to ask. It'd just make my gut churn.
"You pulled off an unprecedented concert success and took down a bunch of rebels. You deserve a reward. That's why you're here, right?"
Reward? I didn't want that.
The old me would've said I didn't need it.
"Yes, I want a reward."
Splat!
I flung myself down before Melinoë like a frog prepping to leap.
That's when I heard her low mutter from behind.
"...As expected."
"Exactly!"
In full mad-Joy mode, I went straight for the kill.
If aiming to fail led to success? Then aiming to succeed might lead to epic failure!
Swish.
She seemed to rise; soft fabric slid smoothly through the air.
"Keep your head down and stay like that."
Melinoë padded barefoot across the office floor—pat pat—and placed a hand on my head.
Her touch was soft, warm... and a little chilling in a way.
"Good job. This is your reward. A pat on the head."
Pat pat, pat pat pat pat.
"You mortals consider it the highest honor to be petted by a perfect, mature goddess like me, right?"
This wasn't the reward I wanted.
Worse, it actually felt pretty good.
Pat pat pat.
And another issue: 70% of my gut churn was Melinoë-related.
I spoke without lifting my head.
"Lady Melinoë, I want to climb higher, faster. Even reckless, impossible tasks are fine. Give me... more opportunities! That's the reward I want!"
I'd come to her for opportunities.
Opportunities to fail miserably!
Pat.
The petting stopped, and she spoke.
"I get that you want to stand by my side ASAP. But there won't be any big projects for a while. So no opportunities for you yet."
Figures it wouldn't be easy.
Melinoë waved her hand dismissively.
"Now go. I need to focus and meditate to absorb and digest this new 1% share. Won't be seeing you for a bit."
Absorb and digest shares? Were shares in Soul Society something you ate?
"Don't disturb me during meditation. Ever."
"Got it."
"So if you have anything to say, say it now."
"Nothing."
"Really nothing?"
I was curious about this share system, but figured I didn't need to know. A mortal employee like me, just riding waves of coincidence, had no business with it.
In the end, I left without gains, leaving behind a seemingly sulky Melinoë.
But a bag on her desk caught my eye.
That looked just like the honey candy bag from home—the one she said she'd toss on her way out.
Noticing my gaze, Melinoë cleared her throat. Ahem.
"Ahem, this... I just left it here 'cause I didn't know where to throw it. I absolutely did not taste or eat any, so don't go suspecting your goddess."
"Then, Lady Melinoë, shall I toss it for you?"
"...Do that."
I grabbed the bag and left the VP's office.
So all I got was a head pat?
'No! That's not it!'
Learning there'd be no big projects in Happy World for a while? That was gold—useful info in many ways.
As I brainstormed incidents I could cause with it, my sugar crashed. I pulled a candy from the bag, popped it in, and crunched.
Right then—
"Eating while walking in the office! Demerit point!"
Someone yelled at me.
I turned to see horned demon Astarote thrusting a paper at me.
Flutter.
Offense: Eating while walking in company premises
Felt like getting a parking ticket.
Probably no different. The audit team's staff acted like Soul Society cops, maintaining order.
Then a brilliant idea hit.
Why not rack up a ton of demerits while I'm at it?
"You're Astarote, right?"
"That's me. Demon Joy. That concert thing worked out, but I'm always watching you. Show one suspicious move, and I'll bite without mercy. Look forward to it."
"So, you free today? Mind lending me your day?"
Dragging around the audit demon? I'd rack up violations left and right, tanking my review naturally.
But Astarote blushed.
"What? Lend you my day? I don't know your angle, but if you think I'm that cheap, think again. I'm... busy..."
"Please! I'd love if you'd join me!"
Grab.
I seized her shoulders.
Couldn't let Opportunity's forelock slip!
Goddess Melinoë sank into meditation.
Shares were lumps of divine power. To absorb 1% of Soul Society's potential, she'd need days of meditation.
Of course, it irked her a bit.
'Other execs could've done it in a day...'
Melinoë had a secret she couldn't share with others.
A weakness, perhaps.
'Maybe that's why I'm losing the succession to a hack like Zagreus...'
Of course, more shares and amplified power would fix it.
Before resuming meditation, she glanced out the window.
To check if Jo really tossed the candy.
'I don't even like candy that much. Just wanna see if he throws it right...'
But she saw something odd.
"...Jo?"
Jo was heading off with a horned woman.
Fwoosh!
Her red eyes blazed like erupting flames.