Embracing Hope (6)
"Don't die… Please……."
Ian-na looked down at the fallen Adjutant and pleaded in a trembling voice.
He gave no answer. He only convulsed and curled in on himself, never rising no matter how she begged.
Anxiety began to claw at her heart. Her pupils had contracted to pinpricks. Tears and snot streamed down her face as she stared at him with dead eyes, as if trying to bore straight through him.
"Answer me."
The enraged Star Cluster hauled her upright and demanded an answer with imperious force, but Ian-na paid her no attention at all.
A thick liquid spilled from between Ian-na's thighs. When Star Cluster saw it soak the prosthetic legs and drip in a steady stream, she shoved her away on pure instinct.
The shove sent Ian-na toppling backward.
She wore the prosthetics, yes—but she almost always moved in the wheelchair her adjutants pushed for her. Walking on her own was rare. She had no idea how to keep her balance.
The loosely fastened joints between the prosthetics and her thighs simply snapped. The artificial legs toppled uselessly aside, and the cleanly severed stumps of both of Ian-na's thighs entered Star Cluster's field of view.
Ian-na's body shook violently.
Even so, her gaze remained fixed on the Adjutant. The dull, cloudy eyes visible between strands of white hair stayed locked on him. What mattered to her now was not herself—it was his condition.
She began crawling across the cold Bureau floor on her hands, inching toward him.
Crunch.
Star Cluster casually stepped on her hand.
"…Answer me… Waning Moon… Why did you look at me like that… You too… Even you… Do you think of me that way too……."
The words poured out, thick with resentment.
Ian-na gave no answer. She only tried to keep moving toward the Adjutant. He alone filled her vision. The nightmare she had endured at Illusion's hands rose up so vividly she could not tear her eyes away from him.
She did not want anyone to die. Least of all the Adjutant.
As she kept struggling forward, Star Cluster could not keep pressing her hand forever. Han Byeol-hwa, Magical Girl of the Star Cluster, was not the sort who inflicted pointless violence the way Illusion or Libra did.
She had attacked the Adjutant only because he had drawn a gun first. Stepping on Ian-na's hand had been little more than resting a shoe lightly atop it.
When Ian-na continued to thrash, a flicker of worry that she might actually hurt the hand made Star Cluster lift her foot.
White hair hanging in a wild tangle, hollow eyes fixed ahead, Ian-na crawled toward the Adjutant.
Old memories unfurled before her eyes.
The joy of being "loved" by her mother. The relief of saving an innocent life. The strange, shameful feelings certain magical girls had stirred in her. And other "happy" memories, all laid out before her.
One step.
For Ian-na, a single step more would let her choose any memory she wished.
That memory would overwrite this wretched, miserable reality. Her mind would retreat into a distant past, and she would not have to endure the present. When she came to her senses, everything would already be over. She would not have to suffer.
It was a kind of defense mechanism—a way to minimize the damage to her psyche.
When Star Cluster had driven a fist into the Adjutant's side right before her eyes, the mental shock had been beyond words.
Because Star Cluster's figure had overlapped with Illusion's.
So her mind had naturally tried to activate the defense. That was why every shattering blow drove her further into infantile regression.
It was her own method of softening the blow.
A form of escape.
It had been the same during the captivity and torture, the same later when she was condemned by everyone and forced to play the role of a doll. Each time, Ian-na had triggered the mechanism and fled into a world of her own.
Because she was terrified of her mind collapsing.
But.
Ian-na no longer wanted those old memories to play out before her eyes.
Living meant the present. Responsibility meant the future.
She did not take that step. Even under a shock that could have broken her mind, she refused to activate the defense.
Because she had decided she would run no longer.
Infantile regression might buy temporary relief, but in the end it would only lead to ruin. Whatever form it took, she would become something that could no longer be called "human."
So.
She resolved to face it. She swore she would meet it head-on. She no longer wanted to turn her back.
Everyone's future rested on her shoulders.
If she—the only one who knew the future—kept regressing, if her mind grew steadily cloudier, if she lost the ability to make rational judgments, the only thing waiting was the end. She did not want to watch the people she loved die.
Protecting the kind and the weak, bringing down the wicked and the strong—that was a magical girl's mission.
Ian-na still believed she was a magical girl.
Even if nothing remained. Even if her body itself was no longer whole. She vowed she would not give up.
Even if it killed her.
Because that was what it meant to be a magical girl.
But.
By refusing to trigger the defense of infantile regression, an enormous wave of damage crashed into her mind. The shock she accepted without mitigation was far too great.
The terror she felt toward magical girls was greater than it had ever been.
"Hey… answer me……."
Star Cluster had calmed somewhat. Her reaction when the Adjutant pointed a gun at her had been purely reflexive. She had never intended to harm or kill Ian-na.
If Ian-na was still looking at her—
If Ian-na was not looking at her with the same eyes she turned on everyone else—
If Ian-na was being controlled—
Then she would never lay a hand on her. She swore it.
Ian-na ignored her completely and began frantically patting down the Adjutant's body.
She was searching for sedatives.
In this state she could do nothing. Far from saving the Adjutant, Star Cluster would kill her. Ian-na was certain of it.
Star Cluster was the same type as Illusion. Otherwise she would never have tried to kill the Adjutant.
What Ian-na felt toward Star Cluster was pure loathing.
After a long search she found a glass vial of orange liquid and a special aluminum syringe.
Thrust.
She jammed the needle deep into her own neck and began pumping the sedative in with desperate force.
"W-what are you doing…?"
Startled, Star Cluster tried to approach—
Shhhk.
Ian-na only drove the syringe deeper.
She tilted her head slightly and, with trembling hands, opened the vial's cap and poured more sedative into the back of the syringe. The liquid raced through the needle, into her neck—precisely into her carotid artery—and flooded her nervous system.
One vial. Two… three, then four.
She opened every vial she could grab and sent the sedative pouring into her neck.
Until she was calm.
Until she could think clearly again. Without stopping.
Star Cluster tried to stop her, but it was useless.
Ian-na had already emptied nearly ten full vials into her own neck.
"Ah… ah, ah."
Expressionless, she examined the Adjutant's condition from every angle.
His organs seemed damaged, but it did not look critical.
Ian-na let out a breath of relief.
"…You."
She looked up at Han Byeol-hwa.
There was not a scrap of life in her eyes. Her face was the face of someone who felt nothing at all.
Somehow—
It was unsettling.
This did not feel like the Ian-na she knew. Those dull, vacant eyes looked less human than doll-like.
An exquisitely crafted, intricate doll.
…But.
She could not back down now. She had to find out why Ian-na had looked at her with those eyes. She had to.
"You weren't supposed to do that! You weren't supposed to look at me the way everyone else does! You weren't supposed to treat me like that. You… you of all people…."
Han Byeol-hwa shouted, completely worked up.
She thought:
If that was how it was going to be—
If she was going to look at her with those eyes—then she should have—
Done it from the start.
Instead she had been kind, had worked so hard to win her heart, had made her feel these strange emotions—
So why? Why on earth….
Would she reverse her attitude as easily as flipping a hand?
It was filthy.
Ian-na was filthy. Just like Han Ho-jun and all the other humans she hated.
She looked endlessly black.
Of course.
It was all a misunderstanding.
Ian-na knew nothing. She had no idea why Star Cluster was raging at her, why she had gone after the Adjutant's life. She could not grasp the reason.
From her perspective it was a bolt from the blue.
She could tell Han Byeol-hwa wanted to say something, but the words were far too vague for her to understand.
"Answer me… right now……."
Han Byeol-hwa hauled the fallen Ian-na upright.
Ian-na looked at her with a vacant expression and spoke in a low voice.
"..."