A Heart Beginning to Waver
"Hey, hey.. wait a second. Wait just a second.. Let's set this down for a moment and talk."
"What if I believe you and you just drop it?"
Kim Tae-yang had been about to slip away when I stopped him. It had failed.
'Hah.. Do I really have to say this?'
Of course, the Kim Tae-yang in front of me was a friend I could call my bro. A guy with a heavy mouth, sure. But...
'Every now and then he spreads these weird rumors at the company pretending to help with my love life and messes me up big time.'
'You need to get married and have kids to contribute to this world, he used to say.'
Had he really said that?
No matter. I started by telling him I had an adopted daughter and that raising her left no time for anything else. He didn't laugh me off.
"Haa.. Yeah, I'll say it. I'll say it."
"You jerk, you should have said it sooner."
Kim Tae-yang let go of my wrist with a satisfied grin. I dropped myself onto the chair, serious face in place, and spoke. "Listen, from now on this talk is strictly between us. No one else."
"Whoa.. Professor Park Seong-chan, I thought you knew I had a cheap mouth."
"You don't remember? The time you spread those rumors to help with my love life and left me embarrassed?"
"T-that..."
Kim Tae-yang's eyes darted away, clearly flustered. "Promise me. You won't spread anything I say."
"..Okay. Got it. I won't tell anyone the things you told me."
"Good. One time only. If any of it leaks, I know who to blame."
"I know, just hurry up already. I'm dying here."
And so I told him everything that had happened yesterday. "Haa.. So I'm a complete mess now."
Kim Tae-yang stared with wide eyes after I poured it all out, then burst into laughter. "Whoa.. Did you really deep kiss her? And that was her first kiss ever? You did it so intensely she almost blacked out?"
"Hey! Don't tease me!"
"No, seriously. Imagine it.. I can't even picture it. You of all people?"
Kim Tae-yang started chuckling again. 'Hah.. I should have kept my mouth shut.'
He continued without my reply, still amused. "So, did you like it?"
"..I don't know."
"You did, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten hard."
Annoyed that I wasn't biting, he pointed out the exact part I'd stumbled over. "You got hard, didn't you?"
I snapped without thinking. "No! It's just a normal biological response.."
"Hmph.. So you say."
Kim Tae-yang smiled innocently while I stayed silent. Then the naughty sound effects started coming from his mouth as he teased me. "Hehe.. Look at you. Remember how you used to brag about your little daughter? And now.."
"Haa.. I wasn't bragging.."
"Raising-to-devour is pretty nice.. Ah, just like Park Seong-chan. You two would make a perfect match. Love is best when it's pure."
'Raising-to-devour?'
I knew what pure love was, but raising-to-devour? "What.. What? Raising-to-devour? What's that mean?"
"Huh? You don't know?"
Kim Tae-yang asked in surprise. "Uh, so what is it?"
"Raising-to-devour means raising someone with the intention of eventually eating them."
"..Hey."
"Sorry."
Kim Tae-yang's face hardened. He quickly straightened up and rested both hands under his chin, staring at me with a serious expression. "Park Seong-chan, you're not actually planning to go through with this, right?"
"What.. What are you talking about?"
"Your daughter. A-yeong."
"So what about.."
Kim Tae-yang sighed deeply after I faltered. "Haa.. A-yeong.. How did you end up with such a strange guy?"
"Why!"
"You still don't get it?"
"Get what.."
"You know, right? Yeah?"
"..I don't."
I held his gaze until he finally looked away, then continued. "Your daughter A-yeong likes you."
"Huh? I know. How much does a daughter really like her father?"
"No, not as family. As love."
"What? Love?"
I already knew A-yeong loved me and I loved her. But love? I couldn't believe it. Kim Tae-yang shook his head. "Haa.. You don't know how wrong this is?"
"What.."
He cut me off mid-sentence. "Think about it logically. Even if men are rare, no boyfriend at Hanam University?"
I had my own point. 'I had no idea it was like that.' "I didn't know Hanam University was like that!"
"Then that's your mistake. A-yeong didn't do anything wrong. This isn't teasing her or anything.."
"That's.."
Yeah.. No matter how mature A-yeong was, I should have checked at least once. My fault. Kim Tae-yang sighed briefly after seeing my face. "In my eyes, your daughter A-yeong seems sincere."
"What? S-sincere?"
"Yeah. Sincere. She says she likes you."
She likes me? "That would mean.. A-yeong also told me she was going to date a boyfriend after listening to me.."
"What? What do you mean?"
I told him everything A-yeong had said to me before the assignment. "As long as I can't do her assignments, she should get a boyfriend as soon as possible.. I'll date too.."
"What? She really said that?"
"Yeah."
Kim Tae-yang closed his eyes for a second and ran a hand through his hair. "Haa.. Is she okay? Seong-chan?"
"What.. What?"
"That's not a bad thing at all.. She was planning to enter Hanam University looking at you, and then she says that?"
"No.."
"Listen up, Park Seong-chan. I'm speaking to you as your ten-year friend. Your daughter A-yeong really likes you."
"..I see."
"So don't drag this out. Playing with someone's heart is the worst thing you can do."
"..I know."
"Decide properly. From what I know, the university track choice starts in the second year. From then on, Pure Love Department and Harem Department."
"T-that exists?"
"Yeah. Even if it takes a year, decide within that time. If you don't like it, don't. If you do, do. And fast is better. Stalling only makes the heart hurt more."
"..I understand."
"The worst thing is false hope. That's why I cut things off before they even start."
I idly toyed with the empty cup. 'So that's what it was..'
I started thinking about all the affection acts A-yeong had done so far. "Haa.."
But.. Even if that's true, it was still too much for me to take in. 'How can I just accept it at face value..'
I was the one who raised her. I was the one who raised her. A long time ago, I found a snotty little kid crying alone in the playground during the rain and brought her home to protect her. 'A suspicious old man was trying to approach her, so I chased him off.'
After daylight came, I searched for her parents through the police, but they said they didn't have a daughter and refused. I accepted the A-yeong with empty eyes and a nodding head after ten years. The first time I took her in. 'Thank you.'
The day she first spoke without being asked. Middle school entrance ceremony. 'Thank you, Dad!'
The day she smiled brightly when she first looked at me, her words still clumsy. High school entrance ceremony. 'I love you, Dad.. Thank you for liking me.'
The day she hugged me for the first time, her approach to people still awkward. And a few days ago. But.. this girl.. 'How could she look at me with eyes like that..'
I looked down at the table with a gloomy face. Kim Tae-yang patted my shoulder. "Hey. I'm not saying you have to decide right now. You've lived long enough to know who you are and how much you love your daughter."
"Haa.."
"But you do have to decide. There's still about a year left. Think it through carefully."
I returned the empty cup and headed back to the research lab. All day long the words Kim Tae-yang had spoken kept spinning in my head as I spaced out, then I went home. ***
I parked the car in the garage and thought to myself. "Haa.. My daughter.. has been thinking of me like that all this time."
Then all the things I had done without hesitation.. I shook my head hard and slapped both cheeks with my hands. 'Don't judge too hastily. Maybe she really did it with a pure heart.'
What if I had accepted my colleague's words at face value and asked A-yeong, and it wasn't true? How would I have lived, watching over her at home from then on? 'Don't gamble. Even if it's true, I can't be the one to speak first.'
I was the father. I was the pillar of my daughter. I was her support. But.. I couldn't ruin this peaceful life and warm relationship in a moment of recklessness. 'I'll wait. If my daughter really feels that way, she'll tell me someday.'
I carried my unusually heavy body home, steps dragging. I finally came to my senses right in front of the door. I took a deep breath to calm myself and opened it. Clank. Creak. The noise filled the quiet house. 'It's so quiet?'
I came home at the usual time, just like every day. Looking around, the living room light was on. A-yeong or I always turned off the lights when we left, so this meant A-yeong was home.. But the A-yeong who usually greeted me with a smile every evening after work was gone. 'Dad's home and she doesn't say hello..'
It was the lunch talk from earlier that made the mood heavier than usual. "Dad's home.."
Even though I said I was home, the house stayed silent. So I took off my shoes and stepped into the living room. I saw A-yeong's door slightly ajar. 'Maybe she's in there doing something?'
I thought maybe she hadn't heard me come and was busy, so I slowly walked over and opened the door. A-yeong wasn't there. 'She's not?'
On the bed was nothing but her discarded underwear. No A-yeong. "A-yeong?"
I called her again, but still no answer. "What..?"
I opened the door to my own room next to it, but she wasn't there either. So the only place left was the bathroom. I looked toward the bathroom and saw the exhaust fan and light switch on. 'Is she taking a bath?'
But.. no water sound and no noise at all. I approached carefully and knocked. "A-yeong?"
"..Nothing."
I pressed my ear closer, wondering what was wrong. "Sex.. sex.."
Only rough breathing came through. "A-yeong. What's wrong?"
"..Nothing."
"A-yeong?"
Something felt off. I knocked hard on the bathroom door, but still no answer. A bad feeling rose in my chest. "A-yeong. Dad's coming in."
I turned the handle with a trembling hand. The door wasn't locked and opened right away. And what I saw in front of me made me almost faint.
"A.. A-yeong!"
A-yeong lay collapsed on the bathroom floor.