The Prelude to Murderous Contemplation
It was the time of year when March arrived and the scarf could be set aside without much complaint. For several weeks I hadn't come home early. The mindless killings had stopped last month and the club had reopened but that wasn't why.
Simply because Shiki was still there. Shiki had refused to talk with me. That was how things were at school. I knew she'd ignore any words I said so I didn't bother to speak up.
The one good thing was that she didn't reject being beside me. We ate meals together and stayed in the classroom with the sunset painting the sky red. I figured she needed those hours the way I did.
So I wasn't ready when Shiki suddenly spoke to me instead of her.
“You said I wasn't the killer but I'm sorry to say that I'm one. You saw it clearly back then. Stop denying it.”
I stared blankly at the crimson sky trying to decide what to say. Our talks had always gone like this. She threw me a question and I answered. Shiki didn't answer.
Not the casual questions about what people did on weekends. Shiki and I were people of ideals so our depths were as different as sky and sea. Yet we were drawn to each other. Maybe we were pulled because we were so different.
“Denying it. Do I really look like that?”
Shiki nodded.
I looked out the window again. The deep crimson sky and the scarlet city reminded me of blood poured like a fountain. My hand still carried the imagined blood and I had wiped it off at home several times.
What I remembered now wasn't the brutally murdered body but Shiki smiling with her clothes soaked in blood.
I must be sick. A bitter laugh escaped me.
“You believe it because you can't trust yourself. So I'm the one who trusts you.”
“I don't need sympathy.”
“Not sympathy. Literally. Everyone needs someone like that.”
“Why do you need me? What do I have to believe?”
I turned my head. Shiki sat in the seat opposite me with her body turned so she could look straight into both my eyes. She had avoided me so many times before. The way she didn't now felt strangely satisfying. There was nothing endearing about the desperate look on her face.
“...I like you. And you are like me.”
People can only express what they've experienced. I wanted to give Shiki those feelings. Even if a beautiful swan couldn't fly if it never learned to fly it would still be called a bird. If I could teach her that I was no amateur. That wasn't arrogant.
In the end people were social creatures and I simply followed that. No matter how hard I tried relationships formed before we could even think about them. By the time we realized it was already too late.
“You're a fool.”
That was Shiki's honest opinion.
“It seems so.”
Shiki slipped out of the classroom. As always with her elegant footsteps and the clack of her geta sandals.
I stared out the window. There was a strange feeling of longing.
“Hey are you here to watch me again today?”
“I guess so.”
The watcher had been caught. When I knocked over the thermos and spilled everything. I remembered hearing Shiki's voice then. Watching that foolish act made me feel a little ashamed.
“As long as you're satisfied I can leave anytime.”
Was that meant for Shiki or for me.
Gray paint was mixing with the red sky. Rain would fall tonight.
Night came. Rain fell from the black umbrella covering the sky. The always-quiet bamboo forest made an unbalanced noise. The rain wasn't a downpour. It was heavier than a light drizzle. The weather that had seemed fine earlier turned cold as if nothing had ever been fine.
The umbrella I brought was small but big enough to cover my body. Muttering to myself I stayed put. Today I expected the curtain to open.
My hands grew cold and my breath fogged. I tucked the umbrella under my arm and rubbed my hands together. Slowly they warmed.
While I stood under the drumming drops on the stone path I remembered the afternoon. Shiki's fragile form drifted through my mind. Unconsciously I blinked my eyes. Nothing changed.
When the sound of metal striking came again small footsteps joined it. The sound was so faint it might have been swallowed by the rain.
At the place the footsteps came from stood a girl in a red kimono. I'm not sure if it was a simplified Hitokage but Shiki had explained it to me once.
She was soaked by the rain. Even without an umbrella her eyes looked empty like they had risen from the sea floor. Her short bob clung to her face and her loose clothes revealed her body completely.
Unable to hide my surprise I ran straight to Shiki. I crossed the small fence and put the umbrella over her head on the stone path. Then I dug through my bag for a towel.
“It's raining so hard. What are you doing?”
She frowned as she thrust her arm forward. Her defenselessness was mocked.
Without a sound a small flash passed. A knife appeared in Shiki's right hand.
“?!”
Warmth spread across my arm so I stepped back. I felt thick liquid pass under my clothes.
The arm had been cut. I didn't know why. My hand wouldn't open.
There was no time to think. I spun my body and started running. I stepped on the rain-soaked stone path as best I could.
I imagined the severed neck of the body I'd seen here before.
When the road appeared and I thought I was safe Shiki tackled me from behind.
I tumbled once and lay flat on the ground. Shiki climbed on top of me. The warmth of her arms mixed with the cold rainwater tangled in her hair and my body wouldn't stop shaking.
I squinted and opened my eyes. Ahead I saw streetlights and closer still Shiki's face.
Her pupils had lost the light. Nothing was shown.
No expression. The face that looked like a mask was both terrifying and pitiful.
“Akagawa. Say something.”
Shiki said. She added that she would listen to my will.
“You can't Shiki... if you kill me you won't be able to go back...”
“There's no place to go back. This is my world?”
The rain fell on my face. I couldn't see ahead. The warmth pressing down on me had vanished so I felt light as if I could fly at any moment. It was sad.
“I'll help you. If we're together I'm sure we can...” Please...
I thought I had reached the end. It had been a mistake. Even if human nature didn't change I thought we could go back if we were together.
The knife fell. It dropped like the blade of a guillotine. The blade that should have fallen had stopped right in front of me.
“Why...?”
A small murmur came from Shiki.
The girl holding the knife couldn't kill me. She hesitated because the being who only knew the meaning of murder didn't want to kill. If it had no meaning then it was too pitiful.
Good fortune doesn't come twice. She couldn't disobey the Ryougi Shiki. The girl stared at her frozen arm and furrowed her brow. Gritting her teeth she brought the knife down toward my neck again.
Just before death the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception went into overdrive. Emotions flowed in the empty forest. They poured from the girl on top of me. I couldn't tell them apart. Like a train passing by too fast with no way to know who was on it I heard countless things but understood none.
If I could die in the hands of someone I loved I'd be happy. Just as I closed my eyes and accepted death something changed.
“Foolish thing. That kind of collapse is not what I wanted.”
Something slipped between me and Shiki. A ghost-like man in a pitch-black coat.
Shiki flew. She had been kicked by the man's foot.
The kicked Shiki charged at the man with even more force. Her knife pierced the man's temple. Normally the blade should have gone all the way through for instant death but the man laughed at Shiki and threw her away again.
“Even if I was your opponent you couldn't kill me?”
Shiki realized that even if she charged again it would have no effect so she aimed the knife and stood in silent opposition.
I couldn't do anything in that situation. Exactly that I couldn't. My head felt like it would tear apart. The Mystic Eyes of Death Perception poured more and bigger emotions into my head than ever before. Not just the life in front of me but everything further away. No exceptions.
I grabbed my head and let out a painful scream.
“If it's murder for survival I would like it. But that is murder for escape.”
But my terrible ability gave information that would blow my head apart at the same time it didn't allow me to turn my eyes away from the situation.
“Don't undervalue yourself. You are a single existence. Live as one and end as one.”
I didn't understand the words. Shiki was at the center.
“The opposing spiral is the proper ending for you.”
That was the end of her words. Shiki lowered the knife. Or more accurately she dropped it. I saw her hands stained with blood shaking.
“Shiki?”
Shiki was startled by my words and ran away. Instead of going home I chose to chase her.
“...It's still too early to destroy that.”
I didn't have time to wonder what that meant.
I ran in straight lines twisting every few steps. The eyes that saw strange things were too much of a distraction now. But I didn't give up and kept chasing the girl in the red Hitokage.
The pain in my right arm had almost disappeared. Because greater pain pressed down on my head. Even if I couldn't understand the situation I couldn't stop.
If I lost Shiki now it would all end.
The distance between us grew little by little. And then the raindrops falling from the sky appeared. They fell one by one slowly. Strangely my and Shiki's movements didn't slow.
It felt like I was floating in the sky. In the space where colors mixed I ran with Shiki.
I succeeded in grabbing Shiki's arm. But I failed to control my speed and the lighter body of Shiki couldn't support me.
The situation was the opposite of before. I was on top of Shiki. In that scene that looked strange I couldn't say anything. I just realized how close Shiki's face was and that the mask of murder was gone.
I knew. I felt the wish in her heart for me. And I felt my heart for her. There was no way to explain it. The process was too natural.
My heart was beating. We were conscious of each other.
I felt a certainty that we understood each other.
“Let's go together Shiki. You can become normal. I will. I'll help you.”
Her... no the hearts of both of them spoke to me.
Shiki who pushed me away and rose smiled sadly.
“If Akagawa-kun had been a little more evil. If he had been a little more selfish it would have been good.”
I couldn't chase Shiki. I couldn't get out of the shock. I didn't think there could be a greater shock.
But when I looked behind her standing in the middle of the road a bright light appeared. I cursed myself.
The noisy sound of brakes rang out but it was already too late.
A small figure fell to the ground. She was in the bamboo forest.
In the lake of blood she was blooming.
She never knew the painful time. She wouldn't feel that kind of sadness again. She now resented the current horror more than ever.
I held the now-cold girl in my arms and poured out the tears mixed with rain. I emptied all the grief of the world.