Let's Avoid the Vice Guild Masters

Vice Guild Master Kali has one foot propped up on my desk, glaring down ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠at me.

I know that if I so much as lift my head, I'll get an eyeful of the view straight up her spread legs, so I keep my eyes glued to the paperwork, not daring to twitch.

"How the hell did a puny thing like you conquer the Great Labyrinth…?"

"Th-thanks to my party members…"

"Tch. Even for a greenhorn, it's weird that you made it past the first floor with that lineup."

"……"

"Here."

Something Kali tosses flutters down onto my desk. I snatch up the paper and scan its contents.

My heart plummets like a stone.

What the—suddenly appointing someone as vice guild master?

"V-V-Vice Guild Master, what's this supposed to be?"

"Can't even read, receptionist?"

"Why me for vice guild master?!"

If I end up in a position like vice guild master, won't the workload only get worse? I'll get even more entangled in this black company, and escaping will be that much harder.

No way! I absolutely cannot accept this appointment!

"It's the head receptionist spot, and it's vacant right now. Someone's gotta fill it."

"I-I'm not qualified for vice guild master. Anyone but me…"

"Hah? Who's more senior than you? You want us to bring in an outsider? Oh, wait—there are no other candidates but you, so this is just fake humility, huh? Men are so predictable."

"No, I really…"

"Whatever. You passed my test, so I'll approve it. But you need at least two vice guild master signatures, so don't get too comfy."

With that announcement, Kali strides out of the office.

Thank god! With one of the three vice guild master spots vacant, this basically requires unanimous approval. If I can't get Helen's signature, this half-baked appointment is dead in the water…

"Vivi!"

A chill runs down my spine at the voice from outside. I snatch the appointment paper and dive under the desk.

"Heard the news. Need this auntie's signature, right? Hand it over quick… Huh?"

Helen enters the office. I figured she'd leave once she saw I wasn't here, but I hear her heels clicking around the room.

"Vivi? Where are you, sweetie?"

"……!"

Two massive sacks suddenly sway into view right in front of my face, nearly making me scream. Helen's leaning over my desk, her breasts draped across it.

"Hmm…"

The sacks lift away, and the clicking heels recede.

"Hah… hah…!"

I crawl out from under the desk, gasping for the breath I'd been holding.

Damn it, why do these trials keep piling up on me?

I pull out the appointment paper, intending to shred it to pieces right then and there. If I tear it to confetti, even if Helen wants to sign it, she can't.

"Wh-what?"

But no matter how hard I pull, this damn paper—made from who-knows-what tough material—won't tear.

"V-Vivaldi-nim. Looks like there's a lot of paperwork today too…!"

Just then, Haru walks in with a fresh stack of documents. I grab them from her, set them on the desk, and thrust the appointment paper at her.

"Wh-what's this?"

"Doesn't matter what it is. Just burn it for me."

"Burn it? Sure thin—oh, this is paper processed from high-grade monster hide. It won't burn."

Wasting something that precious on this?!

"Hehe, ever since you found out I'm a girl, you haven't said a word to me. I thought you were trying to keep your distance, but I guess I was wrong. I was hoping to stick close to Vivaldi-nim as much as poss—huh, Vivaldi-nim?"

Haru keeps chattering, but I don't have time to listen. If I can't burn it, I need to hide it somewhere. Then I can claim I lost it—how could we put a guy who can't even keep track of one paper in a vice guild master spot?

To hide a tree, hide it in the forest, right? I head straight for the guild's most document-clogged spot: the records archive.

Not without ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠ducking into hiding again at another creepy vibe, though.

"Huh, Marie, haven't seen Vivi? Felt like he just passed by."

"……Haven't seen him. What brings you here?"

"This auntie has something to give Vivi, but… hmm…"

I'm hiding under the reception desk where Marie is stationed. Luckily, she pretends not to notice me.

"He went that way. You can come out now."

"Th-thanks…"

As I crawl out, Marie brushes the dust off my clothes.

"Dodging Helen-nim?"

"Y-yeah… circumstances… Um, Marie. Could you help me out?"

"What kind of help do you need?"

"Help me get to the records archive without Helen-nim spotting me."

"As you command."

Marie leads the way to the archive, her clones posted at every corridor corner to track Helen's position in real time. Dodging and weaving to avoid her, I finally reach the archive door.

"Whew… thanks. You can head back now."

"No need. I'll stay here and knock if Helen-nim shows up."

"That'd be perfect. Really appreciate it."

"For Vivaldi-nim, anything…"

In my rush, I don't wait for Marie to finish and slip into the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠records room. Towering filing cabinets stretch high above head height. As the most senior receptionist handling paperwork, this place is basically my domain.

If I tuck this appointment paper among the highest-security documents I can access…

—knock knock.

Marie knocks before I've even gone deep inside. Way too fast! I duck behind a cabinet and hold my breath.

The door opens soon after.

"Vivi, you in here?"

"No, Helen-nim. I didn't see Vivaldi-nim enter."

"He must've snuck in while you weren't looking. He's definitely here. Auntie already checked everywhere else—even the men's room stalls."

This terrifying obsession—what's driving it? Why is she so desperate to make me vice guild master?

Click, clack. The eerie heel strikes echo in the sealed space.

"Sniiff—haaah—didn't wanna say it 'cause you might think auntie's creepy, Vivi, but you have this sweet milky scent. And I can smell it right here now!"

What the hell…!

"Here you are?!"

My heart pounds, but luckily, Helen checks somewhere other than my spot.

"……Not here? Hmm. Then here?!"

She's still pretty far from my hiding spot. But it's only a matter of time. The clicking grows louder as she approaches.

I'll be caught soon. Then she'll sign it, I'll become vice guild master, and be chained to this guild forever!

"Here?!"

Miss again, but this time she's dangerously close. Next one might be it. Should I shove it in any old drawer? But the opening sound would give it away immediately…!

"Sniiiiff—haaaaah—this time it's really close. I can feel it from here. Vivi's milky scent…!"

"Helen-nim, I really don't think he's…"

"Found you!"

Helen zeroes in on my hiding spot. But I'm not there.

"Wh-what? Why isn't he here? The scent's still…"

"Maybe he was here a moment ago and slipped away?"

"Could be…"

Helen staggers out weakly, leaning on Marie for support. I watch the whole thing from atop the cabinet, finally exhaling.

"Hah, hah…!"

"……You okay?"

"Th-thanks. You saved my life."

Just before Helen would've spotted me, Natalia on top of the cabinet had yanked me up. I'd nearly screamed when my body suddenly floated.

"But why are you up here?"

"……Good spot for naps. Quiet and cool."

"I-is that so."

"……Why's Vivi avoiding Helen?"

"Ah, well…"

"……This why?"

At some point, Natalia had snagged the appointment paper and was reading it.

"……Needs two vice guild master signatures. So avoiding Helen's the wrong move, no?"

"I-I don't wanna be vice guild master."

"……Why?"

"I'm not the kind of person who should be…"

"……Don't sell yourself short, Vivi. You're essential to our guild. I vouch for you."

That's not what I meant—I really don't want to be vice guild master.

Natalia hands back the paper and lowers me slowly from the cabinet.

"……Business done. I'm off to sleep."

"Thank you."

I bow toward her twitching cat ears atop the cabinet.

Before hiding it, I unfold the appointment paper one more time to check.

But what I'm holding isn't the appointment anymore.

I feel my blood pressure spike, my pupils trembling.

"N-Natalia!!!"

"……Told you, bedtime."