Damn It... I Loved You
For the past three years, Ivan had been forced to live an ascetic life of involuntary celibacy.
And if one were to pinpoint the single most brutally repressed aspect of that existence, it was, without a shadow of a doubt, his libido.
Come to think of it, he had never possessed much luck with women in his past life either, but at the very least, opportunities had presented themselves from time to time. Here, forget any hope of romance—he barely ever caught a glimpse of a woman's face. In that sense, the spectacle currently unfolding before his eyes was excessively, catastrophically stimulating.
Ivan froze, unable to draw breath, staring at her as if utterly bewitched.
Before him stood an unreal beauty, the likes of which he had never encountered in reality. First, hair as immaculate as freshly fallen snow and skin of unblemished alabaster burned themselves into his retinas. Next, eyes of boundless, piercing azure seized his heart in an iron vise. And finally, pale pink... Ah, fuck me.
A tidal wave of crushing self-loathing crashed down upon him.
No matter how starved a man was, there were lines a human being simply did not cross. Yet even as that thought raced through his skull, Ivan could not tear his eyes away from the woman standing before him.
She received his burning gaze with complete, unflinching composure, then spoke.
“Who are you?”
Only then did Ivan truly comprehend the sheer gravity of the crime he was committing.
I am so fucking dead!
In his past life, an offense like this would have landed him straight in a prison cell, followed by total social execution as every human connection severed ties with him forever. And in a savage medieval fantasy world like this, he wouldn't have had any right to complain even if her enraged kinsmen tore him limb from limb.
“I am so sorry!!!”
His mind went entirely blank. Ivan threw himself down into a textbook, picture-perfect dogeza—and sprinted away at maximum velocity.
Left entirely alone, the woman muttered with a dazed expression.
“What was that...?”
A soul so immense that merely locking eyes with him exerted a suffocating pressure. Its presence was comparable not to a mortal, but to the legendary entities found in ancient myth. And as fate would have it, she was currently in dire need of precisely that caliber of supernatural wonder. Quite desperately, in fact.
A simple enough problem. If so, all she had to do was go find him herself.
Elena slowly rose to her feet.
“Haaah...”
“What's with the sudden moping, boy? You're bringing bad luck into the room.”
Ivan cast a melancholy glance at the old man before turning his head back away into the corner.
“Haaah...”
“...Did I crack your skull too hard? Hey. How many fingers do you see?”
The old man waved his fingers in front of Ivan's eyes with exaggerated theatricality. Lacking even the energy to muster anger, Ivan gave a flat, sullen reply.
“It's nothing like that, so stop trying to get on my nerves. I'm troubled enough as it is.”
“Bullshit. Judging by that vacant, love-struck mug of yours, did you go and fall for some girl?”
“...!!”
Ivan was so shocked his jaw merely flapped open and closed like a landed carp.
“Wait, how on earth did you know that?”
“One look is all it takes. I haven't watched idiots like you once or twice in my life. Come over here and sit down. I'll give you some counseling.”
Ivan felt a surge of irritation, but he quickly reined it in. Contrary to his rugged, battered appearance, the old man undeniably gave off the aura of someone who had bedded quite a few women in his glory days. Surely getting advice from him was better than having nothing at all? After some agonizing deliberation, Ivan finally opened his mouth.
“Well, the thing is... In truth...”
Having heard the brief explanation, the old man collapsed straight onto the floor, rolling around in uproarious laughter.
Crunch. Ivan clenched his fists tight.
The old man wheezed and cackled for what felt like an eternity before finally pushing himself up, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.
“So you're telling me you just bolted on the spot? You're a far bigger lunatic than I gave you credit for!”
“Then what was I supposed to do in that situation?!”
When Ivan barked back defensively, a lecherous smirk crept onto the old man's weathered face.
“Good grief, you pathetic brat. Do I really have to spell it out for you? You should have just ridden the mood and pushed her down right then and—”
Ivan threw a punch without a word.
Having anticipated it completely, the old man slipped the blow with a casual tilt of his head.
“Too slow.”
“You crazy old bastard! If you're going to go senile, at least do it gracefully!”
“Lashing out just because you're embarrassed. You call yourself a man?”
Figures. Turning to someone like this for relationship advice had been an utter mistake from the very start. The old man slammed a heavy hand against Ivan's slumped back with a rough, mocking thud.
“Chin up, boy. Why let a thing like that deflate you? The world is crawling with women.”
“Just go away, please.”
Ivan buried his face in his hands as a delayed tidal wave of mortification washed over him. If there had been a rat hole nearby, he would have gladly crawled into it.
Ah, you absolute dipshit. Standing there slack-jawed like an idiot...
Looking back, from his very first reaction down to the grand finale, not a single part of his conduct had been sane. How thoroughly pathetic must he have looked, staring at her with his mouth hanging open? If only he hadn't fled like a coward at the very end, maybe a thread of possibility would have remained... But now, he'd probably never see her again for the rest of his life.
Fuck it... I loved you.
Ivan buried his first love deep within his chest. A single, burning tear of a true man trickled down his cheek. Watching this pitiful display, the old man was seized by a sudden urge to gouge his own eyes out.
Ivan looked up at him with red-rimmed, glistening eyes.
“Master, what is love?”
Faced with such a question, the old man could no longer hold back his boot.
“Stop spouting nonsense and go to sleep. Unless you want to die.”
“Yes, sir...”
Bearing a massive boot print stamped squarely onto his back, Ivan trudged miserably off to bed.
“I must be losing my mind. Why on earth did I take in a brat like that...?”
The old man clicked his tongue as he watched that pathetic retreating back. It seemed he would have to endure this clown show for at least the next several days.
“A POWERFUL AND VIGOROUS MORNING!!”
“......?”
Directly contrary to expectations, Ivan was overflowing with an obnoxious, excessive amount of vitality. The old man rubbed his eyes, wondering if he was hallucinating. Unfortunately, it was no dream.
“Why the hell is the bastard who was bawling all night grinning like an idiot?”
“I thought it over, and I realized you were right, Master. There are plenty of fish in the sea—it'd be pretty pathetic to obsess over just one girl, wouldn't it?”
“I'm glad you've come to your senses, but why does your face look so damn punchable?”
Ivan looked down at the old man with an insufferably smug sneer. It was a countenance that practically begged for violence.
“And besides... purely in terms of looks, I think I'm the real catch here. Where else in this world are you going to find a guy as fine as me?”
“......”
When absurdity reaches its peak, human speech fails entirely. That was precisely the state the old man found himself in. Interpreting that stunned silence as wordless affirmation, Ivan took it one step further.
“Hell, for all we know, she might be scouring the earth looking for me right now! That'd be a real headache if she—Ack!!”
That was the final straw. A heavy fist hammered down squarely onto the crown of Ivan's head.
“There's a limit to running your mouth, you lunatic...”
“Ow, damn it! Why are you so violent, old man?! What if I'm right, huh?!”
The old man snorted in utter contempt.
“Hah! On the off chance something that ridiculous actually happens, I'll grant you a wish.”
Knock, knock.
The moment the words left his mouth, a rapping sound echoed from the door outside.
Havel? It's not time for him to visit yet.
“Looks like a friend's stopped by. I'll go check.”
“You have friends? That's impossible.”
Ivan let the vicious slander fly right past his ears as he swung the door wide open.
“Brother, what brings you here so ear—”
“Hello.”
Elena gave a light wave of greeting. Ivan froze completely in place, his body locked in the posture of opening the door.
“You didn't forget me, did you? My name is Elena. And yours?”
“...Uh, it's Ivan.”
“I have something to discuss regarding what happened yesterday. May I come inside?”
“Uh... yes...”
His soul halfway detached from his body, Ivan stepped aside with the stiff, creaking clumsiness of a wooden puppet. Having roughly grasped the situation from behind, the old man reacted no differently. In fact, his reaction was far worse.
That absurd delusion was actually true?!
Unable to endure the despair welling up from the deepest recesses of his chest, the old man collapsed to his knees with a thud.
“......?”
With both men suddenly losing their minds, only Elena tilted her head in quiet bewilderment, unable to fathom why.
Elena took a delicate sip of the tea placed before her. A rich, deep aroma drifted from the cup.
“It's delicious.”
“T-Thank you...?”
Ivan knelt politely across from her. By all accounts, she couldn't have come here with good intentions. Unless she was completely out of her mind, who on earth would develop favorable feelings under those circumstances? Ivan bowed his head deeply.
“Um... I am truly, deeply sorry for what happened yesterday.”
“It's fine. It didn't seem like you did it on purpose. An accidental mistake can't be helped.”
She's just letting it slide?!
For a fleeting second, he was so moved that tears nearly welled in his eyes. In Ivan's mind, Elena was already nothing short of a holy saint.
“However, you didn't look away. You kept staring. That part wasn't a mistake.”
“Ah...”
Figures. The light instantly died in Ivan's eyes. Watching from behind, the old man smirked slyly to himself. Serves you right. As if anyone would fancy a punk like you.
“I am genuinely sorry... I will do anything within my power to make it up to you.”
“Anything? Truly?”
For the first time, a trace of something resembling emotion colored Elena's voice.
Did I overdo it? Ivan's palms grew damp with cold sweat. Yet words once spoken could never be recalled. Ivan braced himself to stoically accept whatever absurd demand she was about to drop on him.
“Yes. Anything.”
“Then I want to live here.”
“......?”
Even by his wildest imagination, he had never seen that one coming.