Chapter 11
Chapter 11
I was twelve when I joined Mary.
Back then, when they used to dissect me like merchandise on display—my eyes, nose, mouth, limbs, even my speech and gait—I still didn't really understand what an idol was.
I started my trainee life knowing nothing, and it was only after I caught on that this profession placed sincerity above all else that I belatedly found my reason.
In the trainee journal I can no longer check, it would have said:
'Because I can't be anything but an idol.'
Although when I wrote it, it was nothing more than a phrase I'd borrowed without permission from an idol's interview I happened to see. But from some point on, I started taking that reason to heart.
Which meant I gradually came to think of myself as 'a guy who's nothing if he isn't an idol.'
From then on, practice became about survival, the company's word was absolute, and colleagues were merely competitors.
To disappoint meant my value was chipped away, and a mistake was like stepping wrong at the edge of a cliff.
But, I knew now.
That a mistake or two was alright.
Really, just once or twice was alright.
"Trainees whose grades have changed, please rise from your seats and move."
I stared blankly at the Tier 2 nameplate in my hand.
For the sake of broadcast entertainment, the right move would be to hide it in my arms and then spring up for a twist reveal, but unlike my racing mind, my body still moved sluggishly.
"Cha-gyeom... "
Hyun-i hyung, who'd practiced with me, safely kept his Tier 1 rank.
There must have been plenty of fitting words for the occasion—you're cool, you did well, congratulations. What came out of my mouth was something else entirely.
"It's fine."
"Isn't it too harsh to drop someone for one little mistake at the end?"
"There must be people who didn't make any mistakes, so it's only fair."
This guy, grumbling like that—he'd momentarily forgotten we were in front of cameras.
I answered O Yun-hwan nonchalantly and rose from my seat. It wasn't my class anymore, so I'd better clear out quickly.
The moment I stepped forward, something heavy latched onto my waist.
"Hyung!"
From the way he acted, you'd think I was marching off to my death.
I gave Ahn Jiwon, who'd flung himself into a dramatic farewell embrace, a couple of rough pats on the back. Well, I wouldn't have to be entangled with him anymore, so this much was within acceptable range.
And then I turned around and opened the practice room door.
"...!"
"... Ah, sorry."
I came face-to-face with a trainee who'd been about to enter at that exact moment.
The other person's eyes, which had widened in surprise, quickly returned to normal. I too had to calm my startled heart a bit before I could recognize who he was.
A face that was the textbook definition of a model student, with a neat impression even while wearing a not particularly welcoming look.
A trainee from Youth.
'Wait.'
But if he'd been about to enter this room just now.
"Wow, congratulations."
"... "
The Tier 1 cap was four people, so if three maintained it, then only one person could have moved up from a lower grade.
And that looked to be this guy right here.
I tossed out a perfunctory congratulations and was just about to follow the other trainees whose grades had dropped and move along.
"You... "
My arm was grabbed.
"You dropped?"
"Huh? Yeah."
"Why?"
"... Because I deserved to drop?"
Eyes I couldn't exactly call kind swept me up and down.
Was this guy a pre-selected member too? The way he said whatever he wanted without minding the cameras was exactly like Ahn Jiwon.
Warily, I peeled his hand off my wrist.
"Anyway, congratulations."
The guy from Youth, who let go without resistance, scowled slightly and answered shortly.
"Yeah."
Unbelievable.
Even the rudeness was identical to Ahn Jiwon. If the pre-selected picks all debuted together, at least they'd have one solid team concept.
That in itself seemed like it'd be quite a spectacle. Watching a trainwreck was always the most entertaining, after all.
I reined in my useless thoughts and turned away.
Listening to the Tier 1 practice room door open and close behind me, I walked forward down the hallway packed with cameras instead of people.
"Gasp."
"Uh-oh... "
When I opened the Tier 2 practice room door and walked in, murmurs that had started with single exclamations stretched out all around like tangled skeins of thread.
What kind of expression should I make here if I wanted the production team to actually put me on air?
'Ah, wait.'
I didn't act arrogant in the interview, did I? That would be perfect material for an unlikable edit.
Forget so-called devil's editing and malicious criticism. Fact-based unlikable edits simply had no answer. The former could at least become a rallying point for fans, but the latter was nothing but a target for mockery.
[We will now announce the final grade evaluation results.]
"Ack!"
"Ack! Hey, you made me even more startled!"
Just as I was isolated from everyone else, lost in reminiscence, the MC's voice rang out from the speakers mounted on the ceiling.
I flinched and raised my head. The voice, which had gone quiet for a moment as if waiting for everyone to focus, continued speaking.
[25 trainees maintained their grade. 12 trainees rose in grade.]
[And the number of trainees whose grades dropped is 35.]
A few trainees glanced my way.
... Since the other three who'd slipped from Tier 1 had dropped to Tier 3, I must be the only one in this room whose grade had fallen.
Damn, attention I really didn't welcome.
[As mentioned earlier, trainees whose grades dropped will be considered to have failed this mission and will be excluded from filming the music video for the signal song 'AWAKE.']
'The music video... '
The influence of this music video, which would be the first thing shown to viewers, was far greater than one might imagine.
Beyond just getting an extra moment of screen time, it was significant enough that I'd have to reassess my entire direction going forward.
As always, the moment the music video was released, there would be a clear divide between the participants who would drive buzz and those who wouldn't.
The production team would take those very reactions and use them to determine the key figures who would lead the early episodes.
They'd have to fill the remaining spots, aside from the pre-selected members, with people who'd help the ratings as much as possible. No matter how much it was a rigged game from the start, that was the limitation of an entertainment program that survived on buzz.
To avoid any suspicions about pre-selected members, it was safer if the ranking graphs trended downward, so I absolutely had to secure this music video appearance, which was an advantage for establishing an early foothold.
'No, forget it. The fan showcase is still left, so there are still opportunities... '
[However.]
"Hm?"
"However?"
[The mentor panel voiced their opinion that it would be difficult to judge the brilliant effort you've shown over the past three days based on a single mistake.]
...
[And, there are those who've watched that effort from the closest vantage point.]
[That would be you, the trainees.]
I could feel that the ones who'd been stealing glances at me were now outright staring, but I was just looking up at the speaker in a daze.
What was this, some human documentary development?
[In this mission, trainees who maintained or rose in grade may 'rescue' another trainee.]
[Starting now, the 37 trainees excluding those whose grades dropped, please write the name of the trainee you wish to rescue on the prepared paper and submit it.]
'Which means.'
The total number of trainees whose grades dropped was 35.
Which meant if the remaining 37 each cast one vote to rescue someone, it was narrowly possible for everyone to survive.
Was the plan to push a heartwarming story just for the beginning, on a program that would inevitably turn into a bloodbath anyway?
It was good for me, sure.
[Submitting a blank paper is also allowed, and the vote will proceed with complete anonymity. Please choose carefully, bearing in mind that this is a survival show.]
Ah, anonymous.
My interest rapidly cooled and I relaxed my tensed spine.
'As if anyone would actually vote for someone.'
Like I said earlier, the significance of the music video wasn't just about gaining experience.
In this zero-sum structure where one person's gain was inevitably another person's loss, how many people would generously hand out favors?
Having abandoned any expectations early on, I quietly watched the backs of the trainees as they got up one by one to go vote.
While I mentally revised parts of the plan I'd already drafted.
'I was planning to save the hair dye for the debut stage, but should I seriously consider doing it now... '
* * *
"We're rolling."
To cut to the chase, the hair dye got eliminated at the consideration stage.
At the music video filming set. Wearing non-prescription glasses and pretending to read a textbook, I heard the director's voice shouting, "One more time!"
"... "
"... "
'Of all people, why does he have to be next to me.'
The story of the AWAKE music video went like this.
Students spending tedious days at a boring school.
One day, they see a midday meteor shower pouring down outside the window and fall asleep together.
In a dream where a pink sky and purple stars sparkle, they freely attempt actions they normally wouldn't dare.
Like graffiti so big it stretches from one end of the hallway to the other, dancing together out in the schoolyard, or sitting on the rooftop railing and flying paper planes.
After waking up, the students are disappointed by how ordinary reality is again, but soon feel the wind blowing in from outside the window and raise their heads. Then they discover the bright blue sky, white clouds, and the friends around them.
Realizing that the present is just as beautiful as the dream, all the students run out to the schoolyard and (all of a sudden) dance.
And that's how the music video ends.
Right now, we were filming the first scene of that music video.
The setting was that everyone was a student in the same class, but there were slight differences in the individual roles each person had.
Student 1 who studies hard, Student 2 who doodles, Student 3 who keeps nodding off, Students 4 and 5 who are chatting with their friends, and so on.
I was just the model student, and the guy next to me was the class president.
"What're you looking at."
"... "
'Is a class president really allowed to have this shitty of an attitude?'
At the guy from Youth's ice-cold remark, I surreptitiously averted my gaze.
And then my eyes met with Ahn Jiwon, who was putting on a passionate performance scribbling doodles at the desk across from me.
Ahn Jiwon's eyes went round, and his pencil suddenly started moving busily. He lifted his notebook to show me a note.
Hyung I'm so happy you're in the music video too!!
I flashed an awkward smile and turned my head back toward the blackboard.
'... I really didn't expect it to turn out like this.'
Through the rescue system, only 6 out of the 35 trainees got their music video appearance rights back. My prediction that it wouldn't be many was exactly right, but there was just one thing I hadn't anticipated.
The fact that I was included among those 6, and that as many as 4 trainees had voted for me.
O Yun-hwan (hyung), who'd made sure to take credit saying he'd voted for me so I'd better be grateful, and Hyun-i hyung, who'd said he was so relieved his eyes were glistening with tears—these two were no doubt definite votes.
If I counted one of the remaining two as Ahn Jiwon,
then who was the last vote?
"Lucky you."
"... Excuse me?"
Did Youth not teach basic conversation skills?
I glanced at the silent guy from Youth again and refocused on filming.
"The two all the way in the back, pull your shoulders a bit closer together!"
"... "
"Everyone looks too awkward. Smile a little! We're supposed to be in the same class, get it?"
Following the director's instruction, I pulled my chair closer to the Youth guy and turned my gaze out the window. CG-like clouds were drifting by.
'Once this shoot is over, the first training camp will finally be over too.'
Maybe I should buy some snacks on the way back for Kim Sanho...