Floor 2 (3): The Kkemp Princess and the Candy Deal

Kkemps, pointy-ears, elf-tards.

All common nouns referring to a certain race of the Tower.

Ever since my days lurking the gallery boards, elves had been a famously hated race.

Incidentally, the "hate" in that sentence was literal, not rhetorical.

Of course, anyone who'd heard so much as a rumor about elves already knew this.

Followers of a pseudo-religion centered on the World Tree.

Racists who discriminated against anyone of a different color.

A nation of war criminals who started the Second Continental War, and a band of medieval lunatics screaming about vegetarianism.

And that was just what I'd picked up secondhand from the forums.

The Awakeners who'd actually met elves during their climbs had, for some reason, all come back as even worse elf-haters than that.

And now, meeting an elf for the very first time today, I was starting to get a faint idea why.

"What did you do to our Ppeokkeumi...!!"

Sharp pointed ears and a generous bust. Green eyes like a forest held captive in glass. And an outfit so obscene it brought a prostitute to mind.

The elf who had materialized out of nowhere in front of me was shrieking in a voice pitched like a dying whistle.

Then she rushed over to the pitifully felled Ferum Flower and gathered the nectar soaking into the dirt with her bare hands.

"Aaah... Ppeokkeumi's precious nectar..."

When she said "Ppeokkeumi" I'd assumed she meant some kind of pet, but apparently the nectar inside mattered more than the plant itself.

In response, I stared at the elf before me with the expression of a man watching something he could not comprehend.

...What am I looking at?

What is this deranged drug-fiend Kkemp?

A cultist, a racist, a vegetarian — and now a junkie on top of it all?

Is she trying to start her own Opium War? Guess that's what you'd expect from a nation of war criminals.

Just how low was the elf brand going to sink?

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Where, exactly, is the elven future headed...

"Ppeokkeumi... Mommy's so sorry..."

Meanwhile, the elf was weeping crocodile tears over Ppeokkeumi's pitiful corpse.

Soon enough, she began glancing around, sneaking looks at me as if checking whether the coast was clear — and then she cautiously started licking the remaining nectar off the torn flower bud with her tongue.

The chicken is sad, but the chicken is delicious... was that the idea here?

"*Lick*."

......

"El-lel-lel-le—"

......

...I flinched.

"Uhihi..."

"......"

She was insane.

Absolutely, certifiably insane.

Even the stock-trading clown uncles would have fake-dialing their phones and quietly vacated the premises at the sight of this.

Under normal circumstances, I would have refused to share her air for another second and bolted straight out of the Tower.

But tragically — was the Tower simply determined never to let me have a happy moment?

Right on cue, with the familiar chime, a quest window that hadn't shown its face the entire climb popped up before my eyes.

Ding!

"......"

I'm sorry — win her trust?

Me? With that... no, with that elf?

I flinched again.

"Uhehe..."

"......"

Uh... I don't really want to be friends with that thing.

Besides — "the Kkemp Princess, Iris," was it?

Unlike the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠twitching, candy-wasted mess from a minute ago, her actual rank was apparently far higher than I'd imagined.

Holding onto a grip on my sanity that kept threatening to drift away, I called out to the Kkemp Princess, who was by now attempting to bury her entire face in the flower bud.

"Excuse me..."

"Hriik?! I-I'll never forgive you!! Murderer of Ppeokkeumi!!"

She'd apparently forgotten I was standing right there, because she jolted violently and whirled on me with eyes full of murder.

"Apologize to me!!"

"......"

I had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠absolutely no idea what rhythm I was supposed to be dancing to anymore.

Right — apparently the setup was that I was her sworn, unforgivable archenemy for killing her beloved companion plant?

Coming at this point it felt like some pretty forced roleplay, but hey, considerate me would just have to roll with it.

In other words: the absolute worst timing to make a friend.

It wasn't as if I had no options, though.

I pulled one of the nectar cans from my inventory and waved it in front of the Kkemp Princess.

Slosh!

"Th-that's...!!"

The instant she saw it, she understood what the liquid inside was — and her green eyes tracked the can's trajectory back and forth with every sway.

I felt like a bargain-bin doujinshi hypnotist uncle.

But since hypnosis wasn't actually my goal, I poured the nectar out onto my palm and slowly fed mana into it.

"Transmutation."

Fwoooosh!

Just like when I made Caffeine Candy, the sticky liquid compressed into a single point and began to harden.

Once the nectar had gone jelly-like, I squeezed it out one more time and shaped it into the form of candy, catching the finished pieces in my hand.

One can yielded roughly three pieces.

I picked one up and held it out to the Kkemp Princess, who was already drooling in front of me.

"Here. Take it."

A-rank item 'Ferum Candy' — one full grade above the raw nectar.

Same as when I'd crafted Caffeine Candy: the rank had climbed a step in the process.

The Kkemp Princess took the offered candy with a deeply suspicious look, locked eyes with it in a long, silent staring contest, and finally muttered in a tsundere huff:

"If you thought you could bribe me with such a base and vulgar item, then you are gravely mis—"

Crunch, crunch.

"......!!!!"

But the body is honest, I suppose.

The moment she popped the candy in her mouth and bit down, her green pupils dilated rapidly.

She wore a hypnotized expression for a few seconds — and then, her once-vicious eyes now wide and gentle, she dropped to her knees before me.

Thud!

"......?"

"......"

A pitiful, pleading look. The eyes of a dog begging for something.

Before I knew it, I'd channeled my inner dog trainer and begun training the beast in front of me.

"...Paw."

Slap!

"Down."

Flump!

"Speak."

"Awowowowawral—!!"

"G-good boy..."

Gobble!

Crunch, crunch.

"......"

No, wait. This is...

something... um...

this is... right...?

Tower-brother, is this or is this not the drug-fueled fall-and-conditioning of an elven princess?

"...I'm losing it."

Whistle!

"No, I don't mean literally losing it."

It just felt like I was doing something deeply wrong here.

Is this why moms tell you not to follow strangers who offer you candy?

"*Huff, huff*..."

Of course, the elven princess in front of me had apparently never received that particular piece of maternal education, because she was now belly-up at my feet over a single piece of candy.

Wait, if she's a princess, wouldn't her mom be a queen or a queen consort?

What kind of upbringing produces a daughter like this?

The elf brand sinking another level today too...

Where in the world is the elven future headed...

"Woof woof!"

"No, please use human words..."

"*Grrr*...!"

"......"

Staring down at Her Royal Highness the Kkemp Princess — language forgotten, now an honorary elven-fallen beast and certified good girl — I held out the last remaining candy and asked, as casually as I could manage:

"So, um... wanna be, like... secret friends...?"

"......"

Even as I said it, the line felt deeply wrong on every conceivable level, but my brain had taken such a massive shock that nothing better was coming to mind.

"I'll make you candy every time I come by."

"......"

"S-so, how about it...?"

And to my continued proposal, the princess answered by silently accepting the candy.

The instant she took the candy, the quest-clear notifications bloomed before my eyes.

Soon enough, the princess — who had scuttled away from me at cockroach speed the moment she got her prize — was hiding her flushed face, apparently only now catching up with her shame, and murmured in a small voice:

"...Iris."

The name from the quest window.

And with that belated self-introduction concluded, she vanished beyond the shadows of the forest, leaving me with one last message:

"That thing. Make sure you bring it."

And so, Floor 2 of the Tower came to a close.

Vvvvmmm──

"Urrgh..."

With motion sickness I still hadn't gotten used to, I stepped out of the Tower.

The landscape's shift from endless green to desolate concrete took all of a heartbeat.

Squelch!

"Ugh... so sticky..."

And there I was, drenched head to toe in nectar, white fluid dripping off every inch of me.

"......"

The shame arrived a beat late.

Unlike last time, at least I wasn't naked — a mercy, if you could call it that.

Well, in a state like this, grossing out every passerby was a foregone conclusion anyway.

Hmmm.

"Good thing I brought this."

I pulled a towel out ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠of my inventory.

Something I'd packed after the whole "Emperor's New Clothes" incident, just in case history repeated itself.

I couldn't bring spare clothes since mine had melted last time... but a towel alone goes a long way.

Beats being publicly humiliated with no way to explain the white fluid soaking every inch of me.

Scrub, scrub.

Stiiicky...

"Ugh... it's not coming off..."

And so, while I was locked in mortal combat with the nectar matted in my hair, a red-haired woman in the distance suddenly started running toward me.

The familiar lab coat. The figure that positively shouted its own opinions. And dark circles even worse than last time.

"Haah... haah...!"

BurntCowIsCarbon.

Hong Yeon-hwa.

Wait — why is she out here of all places?

"Haah... You...!!"

The moment she spotted me, she grabbed my shoulder with both hands, her haggard face contorted with everything she had.

And then, without so much as a hello:

"Candy."

"...Sorry?"

Tremble, tremble.

Her grip on my shoulder was shaking.

Like a person in the grip of full-blown withdrawal, Hong Yeon-hwa asked me again:

"Those candies from before... you don't happen to have more... do you?"

"......"

I wanted to lose consciousness.

No way... Carbon ham...

You were a junkie too...?