The Shipping-Obsessed Academy Is Out of Its Mind

"Aaaaah! We're ruined, ruined! Karl! The old geezer of a Regent is coming!"

The bolt-from-the-blue news panicked not only Elina, who was screaming and flailing about, but also Karl, the chief of staff.

"...Who did you say is coming?"

"Old man Gorky! And the Imperial Regent! That bloodless, tearless, monstrously stubborn old Regent is coming in person! Waaah!"

"No, of all people, why would Nikolai Gorky, the Chairman of the Social and Cultural System Protection People's Committee who oversees the Empire's arts and culture, launch a surprise raid like this without giving us any prior notice of such a major visit? No matter how eccentric the old man is, there are administrative procedures ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to follow!"

And at that very moment, amidst the chaotic uproar of the chairwoman's office, a memory from a week ago flashed through Line's mind.

It was the thick envelope from old man Gorky that she had tossed into the incinerator on her first day at the secretariat a week ago, dodging Karl's eyes and dismissing it as spam.

She vaguely recalled that behind the old man's nonsensical rants about the rock spirit, there had been five or six sheets of very thick, official-looking paper bound together.

Oh, I'm screwed.

So that wasn't spam, but an official notification that Gorky was conducting a formal audit of the academy, accompanied by the Regent?

Why on earth did he send that to me?! Dammit! Of course I thought it was spam!

"..."

Line tried her best to keep her face expressionless and act brazen, but she couldn't stop her hands and feet from trembling like a leaf under the crushing weight of terror and guilt.

Just then, Karl began to slowly approach her.

Hieeeek! Did he find out?! Am I going to the guillotine for treason?! Am I going to die like this without even getting married?!

Line squeezed her eyes shut, ready to drop to her knees and beg for mercy. But Karl stopped right in front of her and gently patted her shoulder with a touch far softer and kinder than usual.

"...You've gone completely pale, Miss Line. You're even trembling. You must have been terribly shocked."

"Ah, hehe... Yes... I-I'm just scared."

"Rest assured. That wretched old Gorky has clearly gone senile and is invading us while ignoring proper administrative procedures. It is not your fault, Miss Line. I am not so petty as to blame a disciple for her master's pathetic blunders."

Karl ground his teeth.

"The moment that old man arrives, I will grab him by the collar and personally charge him for the administrative violation fines out of his own pocket."

"Ahaha... Y-yes. Thank you, Chief of Staff..."

Line wept tears of blood internally as she let out a sigh of relief, feeling like she had just escaped death. She was alive. But the guilt rising to the top of her head made her stomach twist in knots.

Wait, no. Isn't this actually Gorky's fault?

Gorky was the one who sent her to the academy. Gorky was the one who sent the letter. If so, wasn't she completely innocent?

Just then, Elina, who had been rolling around on the sofa, wiped her tears, stood up, and proudly raised her chin.

"Ahem! Well, what's done is done! Maybe old man Gorky got dementia and forgot to send the letter! I might have had a massive fight with the old Regent, but surely he wouldn't send an old comrade to the guillotine, right? Things will work out somehow!"

"Chairwoman. I am the one who has to handle all the tedious nitpicking and protocol duties that arise when the Regent barges in. You are always the one causing the trouble. Do you not remember how much I suffered last time when you grabbed the Regent by the collar and shook him?"

"Hmph... What a sulky nag."

Elina pouted and grumbled, while Line, standing beside her, couldn't bring herself to lift her head.

Ahaha... I really caused a massive disaster...

There were only two hours left until 11:00 AM.

"This is an emergency. Sound the alarm throughout the main building immediately and initiate the highest-level protocol—damn it, no matter how much I rack my brain, there isn't enough time! Where are we supposed to find high-level protocol personnel we can deploy right this second?!"

Karl tore at his hair, not even noticing that his glasses had gone askew—a rare sight.

At that moment, Elina, who had been flailing while hugging a sofa cushion, hopped down.

"Oh, come on, Karl! It's impossible to set up official imperial-grade protocol right now anyway! In that case, why don't we just bring in kids who already have experience handling large-scale event protocols?"

"...There is no way we have personnel ready for immediate deployment like that in our academy. The contract assistants in the administration office can barely handle serving at festivals."

"What do you mean we don't? What about the elite students from the Knight, Bard, and Agriculture departments who were conscripted—I mean, dispatched—to the Imperial Capital's Foundation Victory Day event last year?!"

"...Ah!"

Karl's eyes flashed as he quickly began drafting conscription orders with his quill.

"An excellent point, Chairwoman. I will requisition them immediately. I will run to the Knight Department training center right now and drag those knights by the scruff of their necks, so Miss Line, please handle the Bard and Agriculture departments."

"..."

Line stared at the two conscription orders Karl handed her, and without a single moment of hesitation, snatched the paper for the 'Agriculture Department.'

"I will go to the Agriculture Department! I'll go right now!"

"Hmm? Miss Line. Wouldn't the Bard Department, which is under the same College of Arts, be much more comfortable and familiar to you? Why the Agriculture Department?"

"...Too many things have happened. Seriously."

The events Line had endured over the past week were as follows:

"...The people there are out of their minds! They are seriously insane! For an entire week, I experienced the miracle of every single piece of paper I touched magically transforming into an application to transfer to the Department of Popular Music! I am not going to the Bard Department, even if I die! I'd rather smell manure!"

"Then I'll go to the Bard Department! There are lots of pretty faces in the Bard Department, so it'll be fun to play matchmaker."

"Your intentions are highly impure."

As Line packed her leather bag, a minor question crossed her mind.

"Oh, by the way, Chief of Staff. I understand why the knights and bards are being mobilized for protocol, but why are we calling the Agriculture Department? What do kids who dig dirt and plant potatoes have to do with high-level protocol?"

"Ah, since you are from the countryside, Miss Line, you might not know. The official name of the Agriculture Department is the 'College of Agricultural Food Science.' And among its sub-departments, there is one where honorary professors who were master chefs instruct the students."

Karl lightly tapped a line on the conscription list with the tip of his pen.

"These are the top students of the 'Department of Culinary Science.' Their knife skills and dessert-making abilities are enough to slap the faces of the top chefs in the capital."

"Ah! I get it! They're the elite dessert-making squad! I'll be right back!"

Clutching the conscription papers tightly to her chest, Line dashed out. Leaving behind the aftereffects of Elina's teleportation magic—which had her leaping off the fifth-floor balcony—she sprinted at full speed toward the College of Agricultural Food Science building.

The western district of the academy was where the buildings of the College of Agricultural Food Science were clustered together.

As Line trotted toward the area, where the faint scent of grass and fertilizer drifted on the wind, she sensed that a major catastrophe had occurred the moment she reached the entrance.

"Emergency! Emergency! MOPP Level 3! Everyone put on your gas masks and evacuate!"

"No! If this gas smell gets into my white holy magic robe, how am I supposed to return to the Holy See?! Run!"

"Cough! Hack! The gas is penetrating even magic barriers! Dark magic shields are useless! Save me!"

At the entrance of the agriculture building, students dressed in the uniforms of the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Holy Magic and Dark Magic departments were screaming and fleeing in terror, tears and snot streaming down their faces.

Line stopped in her tracks, utterly bewildered by the sudden disaster unfolding first thing in the morning.

...Huh? What is this smell?

A strangely spicy, pungent odor drifted on the wind. It was at the exact moment Line unconsciously sniffed, trying to take in a breath of air.

"Don't breathe it in, ya hear?!"

Suddenly, a female student with squinted eyes, wearing an agricultural jumpsuit with buttons screaming for mercy over her bursting chest, sprinted over and grabbed Line's head.

Thwack! Bam!

"I told ya not to breathe it in! Hurry up and put this on!"

A bizarre-looking leather gas mask was ruthlessly shoved onto Line's head.

However, just before the mask was secured, a lungful of the mysterious gas had already slipped into Line's nostrils.

And the effect was instantaneous.

"Ack?! Cough! Hack! Arghhh!"

Within a mere tenth of a second of inhalation, a sharp, agonizing pain slammed directly into her brain, causing a massive explosion of tears and snot to burst from her eyes and nose.

"Cough! Hack! Ack! W-what on earth is this gas?! It hurts so much I feel like I'm going to die!"

The squinty-eyed, voluptuous senior from the Agriculture Department who had put the mask on her—her nametag read Daisy—scratched her dirt-smudged cheek and smiled brightly.

"Sorry 'bout that. I just released some fierce gas out front here. It's a pure organic gas that's completely harmless to the body, but it stings and hurts like crazy when ya breathe it in."

"Cough! Hack! Why are you releasing such a terrifying chemical weapon in the middle of the school?! Are you crazy, Senior?!"

"Those rude holy magic brats... They were fighting with the dark magic kids and blasted Sacred right into the potato patch I raised with so much love!"

"S-Sacred...?"

"Yeah! That ignorant holy mana overloaded the soil, and all my precious children—my potatoes—got popped like popcorn right in the ground and died! My anger won't cool down until I avenge my children!"

Watching Daisy tremble as she clenched her dirt-covered fists, Line shed a tear inside her leather gas mask and once again engraved a truth deep into her heart.

...As I thought, I'm the only sane person in this academy. There really isn't a single other one!!!

Meanwhile, inside a luxury carriage racing at a terrifying speed toward the storm-brewing Rosen Academy.

Two men sat facing each other. One was the Regent, who ruled the entire Empire with an iron fist, and the other was Nikolai Gorky, the Chairman of the Social and Cultural System Protection People's Committee, who commanded the Empire's cultural sphere.

In stark contrast to their fearsome and imposing presence, the topic of conversation passing between them was childishly petty.

"Look here, Nikolai. You seem to be missing the point. My Elina, you see..."

The Regent took a deep drag from a cheap cigar and smiled warmly.

"Didn't she just build a magnificent and beautiful library at the academy? She flatly refused even when I offered to support her with state funds. Though she occasionally spends too much of her own money, making her secretary tear his hair out, isn't that all born from Elina's delicate sensibility and noble intellect? She is like a daughter to me, surviving that harsh front line and still calling me 'old geezer.' You cannot begin to imagine how smartly those twitching purple ears of hers flutter."

"Your Grace the Regent. But if you want to know what a true genius capable of shaking the world looks like, you must look at my disciple, Line!"

Gorky slammed his fist against the carriage wall in excitement.

Although he spoke with utmost politeness before the terrifying Regent who had established the Empire's iron rule, he could not suppress his pride in the disciple he cherished like his own child.

"I merely tuned her lyre and taught her the beat for a few days, and yet she passed Rosen Academy's notoriously difficult entrance exam as the overwhelming top student! Though she is stubborn, fought with me, and is currently ignoring all my messages, the soul of great rock destined to tear the world apart is boiling within her chest! She is the greatest, most perfect masterpiece of my life, and my finest disciple!"

It was a tear-inducing spectacle: two of the most powerful figures who should have been discussing the future of the Empire, instead raising their voices and spitting as they bragged about their respective favorites inside the carriage.