90. Mom
It hadn't even been a full day since Mom told us to lay low just in case. Not even half a day had passed since then.
Today of all days, instead of turning down the drinks my friends offered and heading home early, I stuck around till the end. But when I came in late, Mom welcomed me with empty beer cans lined up on the table and snacks in hand. The moment greetings were over, she dropped a bomb on me right away.
"…Dad? …Dad?"
"Your dad isn't two different people, sweetie. …Yeah, I'm talking about your dad."
Honestly, I had no idea how to take it. I didn't know why they'd divorced, what the problems were, who was at fault, or how bad things must've gotten that I hadn't even seen him since I was over ten. Even if I did know, it wouldn't matter.
"No, why… all of a sudden…."
"…Your dad's coming back. To Korea."
"…Korea?"
"He's wrapping up work there bit by bit. Around next month."
Now? I didn't even know where he'd been living. Never got a call, so I couldn't remember his voice, let alone what he looks like now.
"You two getting back together? Him and you?"
"Gyeo-ul, keep it down a bit."
"…You're remarrying?"
"…Yeah."
"Why the hell?"
"He reached out, saying let's try again. Your dad. …Said he wants to start over with me."
"No, that's not… Anyway, before that. …You've been in touch with Dad?"
"A few times a year… maybe three or four. Last saw him three years ago, I think."
A few times a year. Once per season, like clockwork. Just checking if the other was still alive. He didn't even bother with that much for me and Gyeo-ul. Basically a stranger. Hell, "basically" was too generous—he was a total unknown.
"And you didn't turn that down?"
"…You mad, son?"
"Do I look not mad?"
"Your dad hasn't done right by you, but he has sent money steadily…."
"That's not the point!"
Child support? Money? It wasn't like I was clueless about that. Our family had been crashing at Grandma's when suddenly we moved to a prime spot with a top school district—anyone could see it wasn't cheap. Mom made good money as an instructor, but I never thought it was just her cash that made it happen.
But that wasn't the issue anyway.
"It's not all Dad's fault, Ga-eul. I messed up with him too, and he messed up with me. We just kept clashing on stuff that didn't match…."
"That's not what I'm saying, seriously…."
None of it mattered. Why they divorced. What they fought over. Irrelevant.
"…Son. You don't want me remarrying…?"
"It's not the remarrying. …It's Dad I can't stand."
Only one thing counted. Mom had been Mom. Dad hadn't been Dad. In the end, she and Grandma raised us. Dad? Hadn't shown his face in over ten years. That wasn't changing.
"Don't you hate Dad? Aren't you resentful for raising me and Gyeo-ul alone?"
"…I hate your dad too. Hate him, and… sometimes it's tough, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't."
"See? Then why…."
"Our son's got a girlfriend now, huh?"
I was set on convincing her it was a bad idea, but Mom switched gears out of nowhere, talking like she knew everything.
"…What does that have to do with this?"
"You said no marriage, just the three of us living together. See? Can't trust a word you say."
We'd sworn to live as a trio. Hiding it somehow, paying whatever price we had to—it hadn't been that long since we'd resolved to make it work.
"You'll move out on your own someday. …Gyeo-ul too, eventually. Better to have a father-in-law or whatever in the picture, for you or her."
"We're not moving out!"
"You expect me to buy that lie? A guy out there dating girls left and right? You're barely home these days. …Get married. I've got money. Your dad's loaded too."
She still didn't know. She knew I had someone I loved, but not who. That's why she said stuff like that. A dad would be better for you kids, right?
Mom was still Mom, even now.
"Living alone's no good for me, is it?"
"You've got aunts and… stuff. But…."
"What nonsense is this? They have their own families. You gonna crash there and make them uncomfortable?"
Uncomfortable. It wasn't just about the aunts. If me and Gyeo-ul weren't in love, if we'd both married normally and started families, who would've taken care of Mom? As the eldest son, would it have been less awkward if I'd done it? Or if the youngest, Gyeo-ul, had?
…So because it'd be awkward, better to live with Dad. 'Cause alone was lonely.
"You don't need Dad specifically. Even if we move out, there are plenty of other people…."
Truth was, I didn't want to see her with anyone new. How do you explain me and Gyeo-ul to some stepdad? No more outsiders. But if she was lonely, I hated the idea of her going back to him even more because of us.
"I'm turning fifty now."
Fifty. Half a lifetime gone, even if you assumed a long one.
"You want me dating all fresh and cute like you kids at this age? I can't do that."
You don't have to marry. Do what you want. Live with me and Gyeo-ul as siblings. Take care of you three together. Was that idea flawed from the start?
"…Your dad's not a bad guy. I hate him plenty, but… I don't dislike him. …If I really did, I wouldn't be agonizing over this. Wouldn't have married him. Divorced him. Had you kids."
Hate but not dislike. If it was real hate, she'd have zero interest.
"He was young back then, that's all. …Going to America—if I'd handled it better, I could've stopped him… But I was young too. We fought, and… that's how it went. …Then he felt too guilty to even call you kids."
"Sorry" didn't cut it, not after all this time. Whatever opportunity America offered, ditching two kids to chase it solo? That fact didn't change no matter how you spun it.
"And at my age, I'm a grandma now. …Can't find anyone better than your dad."
Fifty. She looked younger, but the face was aging. Maternal grandma passed last year following Grandpa. Still, she'd raised all her kids right, seemed to have a boyfriend now—whoever he was. Time for her to live free. …What after the kids marry? Quit work already. Date at my age? Sisters all settled with families. Then the ex calls. Decent money, shared memories of raising a son and daughter. Let's try again. Faced with that… yeah, she'd deliberate.
I got it. But I still hated it. Why? 'Cause I hated Dad.
"…Son."
"…Does Gyeo-ul know?"
Hated it. Fucking hated it. No right to argue anymore. Compared to our lie, this was practical as hell. Not some weirdo—her original husband, our dad. Forget the faults or apologize and move on? No way to stop them.
At least we, trying to get our sibling love acknowledged, had no ground to object.
"She knows. Told her first when she got back earlier. She said okay."
"…Okay?"
"Said if that's what I want, go for it."
If even my sister had thrown a fit, maybe we could've brushed it off. But guilt stopped you too. We couldn't predict exactly how remarriage would shake things up, but we knew it wouldn't help hide us at all.
Our promise to live three together crumbled before the first word.
"Sorry, son. Mom being stubborn."
Should she be sorry? Was this on her to apologize to us? I'd been the stubborn one.
"…If you reconcile, you'll live together?"
"If we're husband and wife again, yeah. If you kids are uncomfortable… we'll figure something out."
"…."
"Oh, it's late. Head to bed, you."
"…Yeah."
"No drinking tonight?"
"Nah. Stayed late looking after friends."
"Good boy. Wash up and sleep. Past midnight."
Everything felt further away. The future we wanted slipped from grasp. No clue what to do. No guarantee bending Mom's will—or mine—led anywhere good. No answers, so I didn't even pick up the phone today.