89. March
"I'm home."
"Oh... you're back, Oppa?"
I really felt like the kind of older brother who lived off his little sister's graces. Even after Lunar New Year, thanks to Gyeo-ul, I'd managed to recharge a lot. I'd gotten back in touch with friends after a while, got teased about whether I'd flunked out or something, and after knocking back a drink or two and heading home, Gyeo-ul would be waiting for me at the entrance like she was now.
"Yeah. Mom asleep?"
"She's sleeping... Oppa, you drank again?"
"Just two cans of beer? I figured total abstinence was overkill."
"You always say you're quitting, but I know you've been drinking every weekend lately."
"Hey, come on. A buddy from the army's on leave—you gotta match the vibe."
"Haa... Fine. ...Come here for a sec."
"Why?"
"No backtalk. Hurry up."
Gyeo-ul turned off the living room lights and came over to the entrance, pressing her face close to my cheek and wetting it lightly with her spit. ...No kiss today. Kinda disappointing.
"You drank, so that's all you get tonight."
"...Won't drink anymore. Th... thanks."
"Is that 'sorry' or 'thanks'?"
"Thanks, obviously. We said no more 'sorrys,' remember?"
After promising each other we wouldn't feel sorry anymore, our relationship—which had seemed perfect already—got even better somehow. The guilt I'd harbored deep down hadn't vanished entirely, but it had shrunk a lot. ...The guilt toward Mom hadn't gone away, but at least I didn't feel sorry toward Gyeo-ul anymore. She was happy because of me, so there was no need, and the same went for her.
"No plans tomorrow, right?"
"If not... what are you gonna do for me?"
"...Well, if not, maybe order some chicken. Or boil some cup ramen."
"...Pervert."
"Why? Eating's perverted now?"
"You love home-cooked meals so much... it's obvious what you're after with that. And not even eating out."
"You like eating in bed too, but pretend you don't."
"...Whatever, go wash up and call me. I'm getting sleepy."
"Got it, got it."
Basking in my little sister's love for waiting up just to do this one thing, February passed without any real hitches.
I quit the part-time job. I'd only been there a couple months, so it pricked at my conscience a bit, but I blamed it on classes starting up, and the boss wasn't thrilled but accepted it in the end. I'd been ready to beg a classmate if needed and have them tell him it was impossible, but it didn't come to that. I stuck it out till the end of February, wrapped things up, and slipped away like nothing happened. ...Honestly, quitting felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. There were people who couldn't help but look at us funny. Not that they were wrong or that we'd spread rumors about ourselves. Still, when you're the one in the wrong, just having witnesses around makes you uneasy deep down.
No time to lounge around like a shut-in, though—classes started up again. ...But somehow, after the semester began, I felt like I'd regressed right back to shut-in life. I didn't feel the slightest bit like I'd returned to college. Hell, taking classes from my room—that would've been weirder if it felt real. The college life in my head had been all spectacle and excitement. Even a loner like me with zero real college friends had heard plenty of stories by word of mouth, but this? It was no different from watching lectures at home.
Gyeo-ul had been kinda looking forward to slapping on the "college student" label too, but after a few online classes, she started side-eyeing me like something was off.
'Oppa... Is college always like this?'
'Beats me. Didn't expect this either.'
'...What if I can't make friends in college?'
'...High school friends last the longest anyway. College ones are all business.'
Our grand sibling plan to make allies who'd have our backs—even if not full friends—went up in smoke just like that. ...Truth is, I knew it wouldn't work. If it were that easy, we wouldn't have lived like this all along. Face-to-face, we struggled to make friends; doing it sight-unseen was even harder. And telling someone who shuts down anyone approaching them to take the initiative? High-difficulty quest. Better to just cherish the friends we had.
Gyeo-ul seemed a tad better off than me, though. She was a freshman; I was a returnee, probably reeking of staleness. She'd probably manage okay with her classmates. I had some too, but they'd enlisted. Shin Haneul or whoever—she wasn't close anyway. ...If anything, better that we weren't. Mornings, we'd all wake early—Mom, me, Gyeo-ul—and eat breakfast together, then hole up in our rooms for lectures till lunch, eat as a family again, and whoever finished first would head out "to meet friends" and wait outside. The late finisher would catch up eventually, we'd eat dinner just the two of us, and stagger our returns home around dusk. That routine looped for about two weeks.
I figured a week of this and Mom would ask if we had significant others... but lately, she seemed off. Appetite down, phone calls more frequent, expression uneasy enough to worry me. Not boredom from quitting her job—she'd been fine last month. I wondered if she'd caught on to us, but no signs yet. Or maybe she just didn't have time to notice. ...Or avoiding it. Couldn't be sure what the issue was.
"...Kids. Busy these days?"
"Huh?"
"Plans again today?"
"Yeah. Uh... meeting friends for lunch."
"...I have plans with my high school friends too."
"Good, go hang out. Just don't come back too late."
The end of the second week in March. Mom brought it up in a serious tone over Saturday breakfast. Freaked me out—what gives?—and I couldn't hold back from asking.
"...Mom, something you wanna say?"
"Huh? ...No, no. Nothing for me."
"...I asked if you had something to say."
"...I'm fine. Really."
"What... did something bad happen to someone you know?"
"Not that. I'll tell you later. Hard to talk about now."
"Okay... as long as you're not cosigning a loan or something..."
"Nothing you can't say to your mom? ...Definitely not that. Don't worry. I'll explain later."
She gave an awkward smile—unlike her usual self—and left the table first. Part of me was dying to know what was up, but prying felt wrong. ...What if she had figured us out? I didn't think we left evidence, but supposing she had and was agonizing over it... the answer if I pushed might terrify me. Seemed unlikely, but no certainty.
"Oppa, you think Mom..."
"Gyeo-ul, shh."
"Not that. Something else."
Just as old anxieties made my legs tremble, Gyeo-ul spoke up. ...Even saying "not that" was risky, walls or no.
"Mom... isn't it... that?"
"What?"
"...Menopause? She's getting older."
"You think she'd mope like that over it? She'd probably just tell us outright."
"Even if not just that... she seems down."
"Probably 'cause we've been out a lot. Quit her job too. She goes out sometimes, but must get lonely."
Couldn't pinpoint it. Menopause? Bored post-job? Kids off at college, ditching her for the outside world? ...Realizing her brats were committing filial impiety? Could be a mix, but please not the last.
"...Should we cut back on going out, Oppa?"
"Yeah... ease up on meeting friends for a bit. Can't skip today, though."
"...Okay."
If it were anyone else, no sweat. Strangers? Ignore. Friends? Grab a meal. But Mom? No clue how to handle. Didn't know why, and if it was our fault... guilt I'd buried deep was creeping back out.
...If she really suspected, best to cut suspicious stuff. Like solving a problem where the question's covered—solve the answer part, and soon the question reveals itself. Essay answer turns to true/false.
"Son... should Mom get a boyfriend?"
"...Huh?"
"...Date your dad again?"
Not the worst question, but one I desperately didn't want to get right.