Chapter 63: High School Freshman, Winter
As a high school freshman, the summer I hated so much dragged on tediously long, but autumn flew by so quickly it didn't even give me time to properly savor it. Before I knew it, the days grew cold, clothes got thicker, mock exams and tests came and went one by one. As the year-end approached, Oppa's complexion darkened more and more.
⋯I was the same. Hiding emotions wasn't easy. But I'd never had to hide them before. This was the first time I'd carried a secret that had to be concealed. Somehow, I managed not to get caught.
Whenever he tried to stroke me, I'd swat his hand away. If he suggested going somewhere, I'd refuse, and if he called me Gyeo-ul, I'd snap at him. ⋯But the more he did that, the more fun it was to tease him back.
I knew I was overreacting, even by my own standards. Still, I wanted to push Oppa away like this, no matter what. Then we could go back to how things were before—sporadically exchanging hellos, nothing more. At least Oppa had been coming home less often lately, which was a relief. It was like he'd shaken off all lingering regrets about the college entrance exam and was hanging out with friends or something.
Yeah, yeah, as long as you don't talk to me or run into me, it's fine. I wished he'd just disappear as soon as possible. They say distance breeds detachment, right? ⋯So this disgusting feeling would fade too.
It had only resurfaced because it was break and Oppa came back home. Once he went to the military, it'd probably vanish for good.
Sitting on the sofa, blankly staring at the TV, it was past midnight before I realized. My phone buzzed, and when I checked, there were messages from friends. ⋯How did they know it was my birthday? Last year, no one even bothered with it. Wait, no. Was it Oppa⋯?
⋯When the hell is this guy coming back? Even on break, staying out past midnight. Probably drinking with high school friends again? I didn't miss him or anything, but he could at least give me a present⋯.
A farewell-slash-birthday gift before the military? Not in that sense, just⋯ as a brother looking after his little sister. He could do that much, right? Even if it's not something as fancy as this.
While I tapped the screen with my fingernail, Oppa came home.
"We're hooome⋯."
"⋯Oppa."
"Huh? Gyeo-ul-ah, you still up⋯?"
His face was blatantly flushed, and he immediately shrugged off his outer coat and scarf like he was too hot. His eyes were glazed, so I approached, worried he might collapse. Ugh, booze stench. Totally wasted. His tongue was slurring too. ⋯And it looked like he'd been crying a bit.
Two whole months left before he leaves, and he's already like this⋯.
"You drank?"
"Yeah. I did. Where's Mom?"
"Mom's asleep. So you go sleep too, Oppa. Hurry."
"Okay⋯."
He was staggering, so I supported him and shoved him into his room. God, he's heavy. Must be 'cause he's so tall. I barely got him to his door and opened it.
"Wha—huh? Oppa?"
"⋯My little sister."
"Wait, no, don't—it's suffocating⋯."
⋯What the hell? What is this? Suddenly, Oppa pulled me into a hug. Right into his chest, so tight I couldn't breathe. His arms locked around my waist, trapping me so I couldn't even escape. I was so flustered I couldn't even resist.
"⋯Gyeo-ul-ah."
"Don't! Oppa, you're so gross⋯."
"Yeah⋯."
Did my words even register? He just hugged me tight and flopped onto the bed. ⋯Gross⋯ Unlike usual, the soap scent I'd smelled earlier was gone, replaced by dizzying booze and sweat. His body odor was overpowering as the sweat dried. I wanted to kick him off. But his grip was too strong⋯. No escaping.
Even though he was dead drunk and out of it, that arm around me was unbreakable—I couldn't overpower it with my whole body.
"Let go⋯ Oppa⋯."
"So warm⋯."
"Eek, gross⋯. Stop⋯."
I writhed desperately to slip free, begging him to let go in case he might listen. But every time I struggled, he squeezed harder. He rubbed his booze-reeking face against mine, then buried his nose in my hair and sniffed. Goosebumps for real. So gross⋯.
"Gyeo-ul-ah⋯."
"Stop it, Oppa. Please⋯."
"I love you⋯."
⋯My breath caught. That whisper in my ear sounded just like the voice from nightmares I'd had before. Blood rushed to my head as I realized the danger. I wanted to hide it, but my heart pounded so loud I could hear it myself. My cheeks and ears burned—maybe from the alcohol fumes—and I wanted to cool them. I felt like prey with its nape in a beast's jaws. No more resistance left.
"Mom too⋯ Gyeo-ul too⋯ Grandma too⋯ Cousins too⋯ Aunts too⋯ I love you all⋯."
"⋯."
"I don't wanna go to the military⋯."
I nearly suffocated. Only after those words did I manage to gasp for air. ⋯I wanted to kill him. For real this time. Pure rage, no lies.
"⋯Oppa."
"Yeah⋯."
"Do you⋯ like me⋯ Oppa?"
"A lot⋯."
"⋯Why?"
"'Cause you're cute⋯."
Was he treating me like a pet? He stroked my hair and rubbed his face against my cheek. ⋯For real. Booze smell's too much. Sweat too. Didn't even shower after coming home. No stubble so it didn't sting, but still gross. Total trash. Perverted dog. Drunk lunatic hugging his sister. I hate you. Hate you so much. I hate how you ignore every word I say.
"Mmm⋯ Gyeo-ul-ah⋯."
"⋯."
⋯But with my limbs pinned, trapped in your arms, I couldn't fight back. My whole body went numb. Even hating you, I couldn't do a thing. No matter what you meant by this, I couldn't win.
"⋯."
"⋯Oppa, asleep?"
"Sleepy⋯."
"Wh-what do I do⋯."
No choices left. Nothing but staying on this bed. No running, no resisting. He wouldn't listen anyway. Begging was pointless. All I could do was listen to his heartbeat from his chest. Seriously⋯ what now? Sleep here like this? He stinks, I hate it. Gross. ⋯My head's gonna break. Dangerous. Feels like he'll really devour me. What do I do? What should I do?
I'd believed so firmly that if he vanished, these feelings would too—but cracks were forming in that belief.
"⋯Oppa, no girlfriend or anything?"
"Huh⋯."
"⋯Why?"
"Scary⋯."
"What're you scared of⋯ You're the scary-looking one⋯."
"Breaking up scares me⋯."
With that build, that height—what could possibly scare him? He squeezed me tighter, suffocating. With his body. With his heart. Binding me so I couldn't run. Couldn't separate. So strongly.
"No⋯ seriously⋯."
"⋯."
"Uh⋯ um⋯."
"⋯."
"⋯Mom! Mom! Oppa's drunk! Help!"
Dangerous. My heart felt like it would melt, not just burst. If I stayed like this, I'd never be able to refuse forever. Even if he weren't drunk. Even if it wasn't just a hug. ⋯I'd never resist. I don't want that. I don't want to become that. It's unfair.
"Mom's sleepy, why⋯ Geez, Kim Ga-eul. What're you doing?"
"Oppa's drunk and crazy. Make him let go⋯."
"You little punk. Sigh⋯ How much did you drink?"
"Dunno⋯ A lot⋯."
"Stop bothering your sister and go to sleep. ⋯What're you gonna do when you go to the military acting like this."
"Don't wanna⋯ My pillow⋯."
"It's not a pillow, it's your sister, you idiot. Let go quick unless you want another smack on the ass."
"Okay⋯."
Why? Why do I have to agonize like this because of you? Just 'cause you're decent-looking and reliable? Why should I suffer like this over my own brother?
It was so unfair. I wanted payback. Revenge. Not betraying Mom or anything. Just⋯ I wanted you to feel the same torment. To know how disgusting it is to feel this for blood kin. ⋯It's too unfair for me to suffer alone.
Oppa. So you should suffer too. Agonize over liking your little sister too much, hate yourself, get stupidly happy at my every word, have nightmares in your sleep.
Don't act like the victim. It's all your fault.
⋯That's how it should've been. How did it end up like this?
Looking at Oppa's face, dozing off while hugging me stark naked, none of that disgust from before remained. Didn't hate it. A little mad, maybe⋯ but.
How horny are you for your sister? You pervert. What if we didn't use protection and I got pregnant? ⋯Should I just swallow it raw? Get pregnant for real and see that panicked face? ⋯Nah, probably not. This guy wouldn't freak even if I showed him. He'd probably get even more turned on.
Not that it's all my fault⋯ but mostly yours, Oppa.
"⋯Gyeo-ul-ah."
"What, Oppa."
"I love you⋯."
⋯I pinched my cheek. Ow, hurts. Sometimes I can't tell if this is real or a dream. First kiss with my brother. Dating him⋯ First time too. Even after deciding to go back to being siblings, I gave it to him again. How many more firsts does he plan to take? ⋯After all this, if you don't take responsibility, I'll really kill you.
"Can't breathe, Oppa⋯."
"⋯That's the point."
"⋯You trash."
"Is that how you show affection?"
"Who knows?"
Unable to do anything. Pinned down, unable to resist even a little. But still⋯ from that moment on, I like you. Oppa. ⋯I love you.
So you can forgive a somewhat bad little sister, right? I've gotten some revenge already. I'll be good from now on. So take responsibility. For my life. Oppa.