54. Guilt Crawling Up My Spine Because We're Siblings
Guilt, a sense of sin, remorse, and depravity crawled up my spine and spread through my entire body because we were siblings. My heart pounded dangerously hard, and my whole body burned hot, like I had some kind of illness. But strangely enough, it was thrilling—more exhilarating than anything I'd ever felt in my life. Like hitting the jackpot at the casino.
"…"
My sister pulled away from my ear. Then our pupils locked. No words were needed. There are things you can convey without speaking. Things words can't capture.
In the afternoon light that hadn't faded yet, sitting on my bed, we slowly closed our eyes. And just like that, sister and brother pressed their lips together.
Our fluttering first bird kisses, the lewd deep kisses craving each other—we'd shared so many that I thought we'd gotten bored of it. But today felt awkwardly raw, a little bitter, which only made it sweeter.
"Phah… ah… I kissed Oppa…"
"We've done it so many times I can't count on my fingers."
"That doesn't count. It wasn't as siblings."
"…"
"Oppa stole my first again."
"I never stole anything."
"Then… I gave my first to Oppa again. Hehe…"
The moment we parted our tangled mucous membranes, she giggled, toying with my heart like it was her plaything. It was so damn lovable—I wanted to possess her, devour her.
"Kim Gyeo-ul… unwrap your legs."
"No."
"You begged me to dirty you up."
"Not yet. I wanna stay like this with Oppa longer."
She clung to me, legs locked around my waist, hugging so tight it felt like my ribs might snap—as if she couldn't bear even a second apart. I figured more kisses might calm her down, so I teased her tongue again, but the more I did, the fiercer her grip became. She was so delicate it didn't really hurt, though.
"Pf… ha… I love Oppa's kisses so much, for real."
"You're the one begging for it."
"I didn't say a word."
"Staring like that and closing your eyes? That's code for 'do it.'"
"Ah, so Oppa wants to kiss his sister when she makes that face? Pervert?"
"…Why's my little sister so cheeky today? Time to reteach some manners?"
"We're only three years apart—don't act all old."
"You want me to really pounce?"
"Eek, you're my real brother? For real? Gonna assault your little sister? Blood-related and all?"
Was she hugging like this thinking it would pin me down, or secretly hoping I'd pounce? Probably the latter. So I gave her what she wanted, slipping my hand into her pajama pants and slowly dragging them down. I left her panties on—I wanted to savor watching her strip. Couldn't get them all the way off in this embrace, but it was enough to grope her ass freely.
…Couldn't see it, but today they felt skimpy as hell. Gonna lose my mind.
"Uh, Oppa. For real…?"
"You begged so cutely to get dirtied up—how could I say no?"
"Touching's fine, but not yet…"
"Why? Backing out now?"
"…Actually, I wasn't done talking."
"Still more?"
"…Yeah."
I wanted to slam her down and pound her until she cried out, but I had to indulge her a little. After all, I am her real brother.
"You know, Oppa."
"Spit it out. Before I pounce."
"Fine, just wait a sec, seriously."
"Okay."
"I said I'd tell you why I fell for you. Before the year ends."
"Yeah."
"Can you listen now…?"
"I'll listen."
"It's gonna be long?"
"…Wrap it up in under an hour."
"…Okay."
Honestly, I wasn't sure I could hold this position for even thirty minutes, but… I'd endure. It was a confession, after all.
"…Truth is, you never really felt like my brother."
"That's a shock."
"Yeah, you're so stoic. Tall like a beanpole. Face doesn't match your age."
"So I'm saying I look old?"
"No no. …You seemed grown-up."
"…Yeah."
"We only crossed paths at meals or when you'd come out after a shower shaking out your wet hair. Felt like a stranger."
"Busy studying."
"…Still didn't hate it."
"I barely paid attention to you—why not?"
"You always smelled like soap. …Your soap."
She buried her nose in my shoulder, sniffing deeply like it wasn't enough, then continued.
"My classmates all complained their brothers were gross. You weren't. Didn't swear much."
"Grandma raised us that way. Together."
"Yeah. So I didn't hate you."
"I didn't hate you either. …Never thought it'd turn to love."
"…Me neither."
"How'd it happen, then."
"I'd never liked anyone before."
"…Lucky break."
"Never even felt my heart race."
"Not excluding me, right?"
"You have to ask? Ruins the mood, dummy."
I'd half-joked, and she lightly punched my arm. I apologized and stroked her hair; she settled right down.
"Even seeing idols or celebs on TV—nothing."
"Yeah."
"Dunno if it's the all-girls schools… but handsome guys? No spark."
"…Why?"
"Strangers. No clue about their personality, voice, home life. Nothing."
"Yeah."
"…But I knew everything about you."
"So that's why you fell?"
"Nah, not exactly. Just… no feelings for strangers."
Her voice stayed calm as she bared her soul, but her body temp was cooler than expected, trembling faintly. Too heavy a story to tell so flatly.
"First time my heart fluttered for you… was after your Suneung."
"Because of the phone I got you for your birthday?"
"Not then. Just felt burdened and flustered."
"Why? Brothers buy sisters phones."
"From someone distant? Of course it's weird."
"Got it. My bad."
"…Anyway, that's when I started noticing. First time I saw you cry."
"When'd you see me cry?"
"After Suneung."
"…You heard?"
Ah. I'd rather forget that. Looking back now, I can't even fathom why I'd cried over it. Just watched like always.
"Next room over—heard everything."
"Embarrassing."
"Psh, why be shy with family."
"Could've comforted me then."
"Thought about it… too embarrassed."
"Just said no shyness in family."
"Back then, you were a total stranger. We barely talked once a week."
"…Fair."
"Never imagined you'd cry."
"I'm human too."
"Yeah. So… that's when I realized, this is my brother."
"Why?"
"Seeing you hurting… it got to me too."
"…"
"Not close friends, but family… yeah."
"So the family-feeler, why fall for me?"
"I tried being nicer… but then."
She'd been laying it out calmly, one by one, but suddenly snapped at me like she was pissed.
"You start being all nice out of nowhere. Gifts. Grinning at me. Trying to drag me everywhere. Talking nonstop. …What was I supposed to do?"
"Can't be close to my sister? We're family. I was trying, y'know."
"No brother puts a headband on his sister at an amusement park! Seriously… dummy."
"…Heart fluttered then?"
"…Yeah."
Honestly, we weren't clicking back then. Mom's words, my own resolve, burning uni connections to study for her… but mostly, she was just cute. Tried everything to bond. Who knew she'd take it that way.
"First time feeling that, got flustered… but I'm not dumb?"
"My sister's plenty smart."
"Hated admitting it. Couldn't deny."
"Deny what."
"Romantic feelings for you. Couldn't lie to myself. Hated myself."
"…Yeah."
"Tried hiding it, killing it… but you'd talk, and it'd flare up again."
"…"
"Even wished you'd just enlist already. They say distance fades feelings."
"But it didn't?"
"Course not. …Not like we can separate forever. Blood ties don't vanish."
"…Because siblings?"
"…Yeah."
It was a word too stained, shredded, brutalized to call pure anymore. But it doesn't disappear. Can't pretend it never happened—no matter how much we wish otherwise.
"So why cry when I left for the army?"
"Hmm… 10% pity for you. 40% hating to be apart."
"The other half?"
"…Couldn't imagine hating you. So I cried."
"…"
A long, long time—not short by any measure. Around three years, give or take. Harboring feelings that wouldn't be returned, shouldn't be returned. I couldn't know exactly how much she'd agonized, writhed in pain. But the one who could empathize closest was me—we'd chosen the same path.
"Decided then. …Wanted you to like me."
"That's why the random calls?"
"Yeah. Not like that, though. Not romantic. Even just as your sister… wanted you to like me more."
"How much?"
"If you had a girlfriend and I said I was hurting, you'd drop everything—even mid-date?"
"That's favoritism."
"Your favoritism's a win for me. …That much."
"…"
"Fine treating me like a sister… that's what I wanted."
"…"
"Heard every word I craved, felt your obsession that deep… made me so happy."
"…"
"Wanted to give everything, have everything. Our firsts, all of it. Didn't wanna erase it. Even as memories… that's what I wanted."
Her trembling had stopped, breathing evened out—not detached, but spilling her soul smoothly. Like shrugging off a heavy load. Slumping against me like we'd reached our destination, at ease.
"…But it didn't go like that."
"What didn't."
"After kissing you, doing se…x. The greed just kept growing. Couldn't stop. No way."
"…Inevitable. We're on the same page."
"Wished we weren't siblings—maybe it'd have faded."
"Why?"
"Your temper sucks? Mine too? Selfish, stubborn pride. Non-siblings, we'd fight nonstop."
"…"
"But we're blood siblings. Fighting's unthinkable… makes it that hard."
"…Yeah."
As kids, not close enough to fight. Grown up, no time to get closer—no fights. Now, with forbidden feelings filling every gap, fighting was impossible. Too many hurdles we had to face together.
"Lovers was great, but scary too."
"Getting caught?"
"That, yeah. …And if you ever got sick of me."
"I look like trash that bad?"
"Touched your own sister—trash, right?"
"…"
"…Worried what if you weren't trash anymore. Snapped out of it, said 'let's stop'… couldn't handle that."
"I'm fine as is."
"Yeah. …So I figured out how to handle you while you're still sane."
"…This?"
"Pin you down so you can't deny or run. …Hold you for good."
"Already plenty. …Proof's everywhere."
"True, but… half-joking. Just liked you."
"Me?"
"You treat me like a sister but give me that look sometimes. Loved it."
"…You're dangerous, seriously."
"Can't help it. Bickering then secretly holding hands. Sneaking out together. Kissing outside on the sly. All of it—loved."
"…Like now?"
"…Yeah."
"And if we're caught?"
"We won't be. …Like you said—no catch, no crime."
"Right. …Just don't get caught. We love each other as siblings, because we're siblings."
"…Yeah."
"All done?"
"One more, actually…"
"What."
Even after that endless story, she had more. Avoiding my eyes, fumbling, she finally spoke.
"Really sorry, Oppa. Today… can't."
"…What?"
"That… time of the month."
"…Wasn't it last week?"
"That's why… can't."
"Why."
"Do it anyway, really can't."
"What the hell why."
"Can't means can't! …Gotta hold you back."
"Let go."
"No. You'll pounce."
"Then why wear panties like that."
"I'll do other stuff… really, not that."
"…Your period?"
"…"
She'd clung to me like a cicada, using all her strength to stop me—but nodded at my question.
…
I lifted her up as she stuck to me and slammed her down onto the bed. Her limbs, which had been hugging with full effort, peeled away easily with just a bit of my strength.