Siblings
After the embrace, we weren't really embarrassed. It wasn't meant that way. I'm a coward and a total chicken. I didn't want anyone we knew catching on to my true feelings. I couldn't muster the resolve to just give up everything and run with it. But I'd said pretty much everything I wanted to say, so that was enough. As long as we were the most important to each other within the bounds of being siblings, I could be satisfied with that. At least, that's what I thought.
The walk back to the car wasn't so quiet. It was a happy day, after all. We could laugh and chat over the silliest things. After a heated debate about what to have for dinner, we settled on chicken again. Well... it's Korean soul food, so what can you do? Honestly, it didn't matter what we ate. Who you eat with and when—that's what counts.
Back at the parking lot, I sent my sister up first. After ordering the chicken, I debated calling around to everyone. But I figured she should handle that herself, so I just called Mom first. She scolded me to hurry up and eat dinner, and I headed home. By then, my sister had changed into loungewear and was glued to her phone. Ignoring her, I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom. After scrubbing every inch, I came out to find the table set up in front of the TV.
"What, the chicken's already here?"
"Yeah."
"...And where'd you dig up the beer?"
"There was some left in the fridge."
"Drink if you want. It's leftovers from what I bought last time."
"...You're not having any?"
"Trying to quit."
"You said that last time too."
"This time I mean it."
I grabbed a cola from the fridge instead. Sitting across from her, we each raised our cans.
"Cheers?"
"Cheers."
With our modest spread before us, we clinked our cola and beer together. After a light sip, we savored the crispy batter and the juicy, tender meat inside. This is life. Good food, chilling at home, occasional family outings. That was plenty. Now I just had to become the breadwinner.
"Gyeo-ul."
"Yeah."
"I'm only looking the other way on the drinking because the Suneung's over and we're at home, got it?"
"Yeah."
"Don't drink outside if you can help it."
"Don't you have to drink in college?"
"No excuses—don't drink. If you really want to, drink with me or Mom. Or a noona."
"...Overprotective much."
"Exactly, so no drinking with strangers."
"I'm shy anyway; I don't like that stuff. No need to worry."
"Good, stay holed up in your room like always. Worked for me."
"...That's why you have no friends."
"More than you."
We bickered for a bit and ended in a draw. Talking friends always leads nowhere good... whether it's two or three. Our parents gave us perfectly healthy bodies, but we both had friend counts we could tally on one hand. Sorry, Mom. Our social skills are lacking. At least funeral money won't be an issue, right?
"...It's really over. Starting to sink in. No more Suneung studying."
"College will throw harder stuff at you, so don't get comfy."
"Can't I enjoy today?"
"After all I've done for you, I could tease you a little."
"...Mean."
"Uh... how'd the grade check go?"
"A bit better than September. Not by much."
"Too bad. Would've been nice if you'd crushed it."
"I'm good with this. Satisfied."
Watching her clutch the beer can with both hands and sip away made me crave one too. ...But no way in hell. Especially not with her around. I'm quitting for real.
"Where you thinking college?"
"Gotta see the scores for sure, but... probably not Gwanak. Maybe Anam or Sinchon?"
"...Come to my uni?"
"We'll see."
"You know, even if you pick Sinchon, you don't end up there."
"Why not?"
"If you do, you'll get exiled to Songdo."
"...Like that?"
"No, remember when I lived in Songdo your first year of high school?"
"...You lived in Songdo?"
"...You didn't know?"
"Thought you were in dorms. Not the details..."
"Pandemic might mess things up, but... try for Songdo if you can."
"How's it there?"
"...Not your vibe. Doesn't suit us."
"Ah... kinda rowdy?"
"Yeah."
Everyone else was having a blast. I spent the first semester agonizing over retaking, then kinda bombed. Tried fixing relationships in the second, but no dice. Gave up and prepped for Suneung in the army, but even that flopped, so I dropped it. At least no more dorms. Songdo singles were hell; I'd lose my mind. Even in the army, I couldn't sleep around strangers. I'd head home on days off.
"I'll think after scores come out."
"Do that."
"Majors matter more anyway."
"Where you going?"
"Languages. Foreign languages."
"Like English lit?"
"Yeah."
"...You don't learn English there."
"I know. I like books, though. Not Korean lit."
"You'll regret it job-hunting."
"...Figure it'll work out?"
"Think hard. Wrong major haunts you later."
I'm okay with mine—not thrilled, but manageable. Kids who hate theirs suffer big time.
We wrapped up college talk, watched TV, laughed, and chatted. Chicken was long gone, but we nursed our drinks and kept going. Nothing deep, but that was fine.
"Oppa, I'm heading to bed."
"Already sleepy?"
"Tension's gone; I'm wiped."
"Alright, night."
"Night."
We cleared the table, brushed up, and headed to our rooms. It's really over now. Suneung done. No more babying her. Wonder if discharge would've felt this bittersweet.
Lying in bed, I texted Mom. She replied warmly: thanks for whatever Gyeo-ul bought, she'll cook when she gets back. Turns out she's home next Tuesday. Contact was two days before her positive test or something. Honestly, wish she'd hurry. Tired of takeout. Pondering tomorrow's meal, my phone rang. Thought it was Mom—not her.
...Why's she calling from the next room?
"...What, Gyeo-ul?"
"Oppa. ...One favor?"
"Just come over. Why call?"
"Come to my room quick."
"Why."
"Suneung's not over till midnight. One last favor."
"...Last one."
"Yeah."
Sister dear, working me to the bone till the very end. Good mood today, so whatever.
I got up, opened my door. She peeked out, buried in blankets.
"What."
"Turn off the light."
"...Huh?"
"Lights off. So I can sleep."
...I'd braced for some big ask. Could laugh it off now. I flicked the switch obediently, but the room didn't go dark. Bedside lamp was still on.
"Going to sleep with that on?"
"Oppa."
"What."
"Can you come here a sec?"
"What now."
"Just a moment."
She'd pester anyway. I shuffled over without complaint.
"What."
"...One more favor?"
"Spit it out."
"Just till Monday."
"Yeah."
"...Wanna stop being siblings?"
"...What?"
She threw off the blanket. Underneath was Gyeo-ul—not in her usual black clothes, but in underwear whiter than her skin.
"...Kim Gyeo-ul."
"I've thought about it too..."
She rose from the bed, inching toward me. Backlit, dim light—her face was hard to read. But her neck and up were flushed crimson; she was mortified.
"I wanted to stay siblings too."
"Then why."
"But I was scared these feelings might fade someday..."
"..."
"...Even if they do, I don't want to pretend they never happened."
"Kim Gyeo-ul."
"When I realized you felt that way about me, I was... flustered."
"..."
"Wasn't hate. ...I liked it. Always have."
Her collarbone, shoulders slipping into my arms, breasts heavy even under the bra, sides that might just fit in my hands, the curve from waist to hips drawing my eyes... and below. I wanted to look away. Couldn't. So I couldn't answer her confession. Staring silently, she stepped closer, took my hand. Gently placed it between her soft breasts.
"You always said in the army—if no one finds out, no problem..."
"..."
"...Just till Mom gets back. Till then."
Couldn't breathe right. The resolve to bury it all, suppress these feelings, desires—they were about to erupt.
"You think that makes sense?"
"No."
"...Then why."
"...Can't put it into words."
"..."
"Have to show it another way."
"...Gyeo-ul."
"Oppa."
I'd tried to hold back. Tried not to betray that. Why test me like this? Why?*
"I've been thinking."
"...About what."
"...First and last... I want it to be you."
"Hey."
"...Can I leave proof?"
I pulled my hand from her chest. Gripped her shoulders hard enough to break. Pushed her onto the bed. Maybe shattering my resolve too.