26. Desperate Excuses
Several thoughts raced through my mind in that instant. Various scenarios. What excuse would have the highest chance of fooling her? But no matter what I chose, my top priority was clear.
"...Ah, she's here now. Mom, I'll hang up."
"Okay. Eat well."
"Yeah."
First, end the call.
"Ga-eul-ah. That... was your... girlfriend?"
Her words came right after, and for a moment, I was tempted. Gyeo-ul was completely nestled in my arms, and Noona couldn't see her face anyway. Maybe I could pretend I'd snuck a girlfriend in.
...I could probably fool her for a good three minutes or so, if I played it right.
But I quickly realized it was pointless anyway.
"...It's Gyeo-ul."
"...I see."
Careful not to wake Gyeo-ul, I slipped out from under the blanket. I watched her steady breathing for a moment, then left the room with Noona.
"Uh... Ga-eul-ah."
"What are you doing here, Noona?"
"Me? I... Dad got drunk, so I ran over here..."
Stay calm. I had to stay calm. Panicking would only make me look more suspicious.
"Mom must've given you the passcode."
"Yeah, Aunt did."
"Want some coffee, Noona?"
"...Sure."
I tried to act as natural as possible, heading to the kitchen and putting water in the coffee pot. The short silence while it boiled felt so awkward I wanted to puke.
"Here."
"...Thanks."
"...Did you bring this?"
"Yeah, didn't wanna show up empty-handed."
There was a box of chicken on the table. Freshly fried, still warm.
"We should wake Gyeo-ul later and eat together."
"...Ga-eul-ah."
"Yeah, Noona."
"Care to explain?"
"Explain what."
"Why you were sleeping with Gyeo-ul."
I wanted to dodge the topic somehow, but she was firmer than I'd expected.
...Dodging might be tough.
"It's nothing. Gyeo-ul was just feeling anxious."
"About what."
"You probably didn't hear, Noona, but after her September mock exam, she had something like a panic attack."
"...Really?"
"She got better after I comforted her then, but sometimes when Mom's not around, she freaks out."
"..."
"Patting her back calms her down again."
"Did she see a doctor?"
"She didn't want to."
"Does Aunt know?"
"No."
"...Can I tell her?"
"...I didn't wanna worry her unnecessarily. Go ahead if you want."
"...You're not lying?"
"I'm not."
I was shocked at how shameless I could be. I'm not usually good at lying. It's all about fabricating a plausible situation, creating a fitting character, and acting it out.
"Ga-eul-ah."
"Yeah."
"Your voice sounds weird."
"...What about it."
"You don't usually talk like that."
"...I get flustered too, you know."
"Why?"
"I know it might look weird to others."
"Sleeping while hugging your little sister?"
"I wasn't hugging her."
"Then what."
"She was having a hard time, so I was putting her to sleep and ended up dozing off too."
"...You expect me to believe that, Noona?"
"Believe it or not, it's up to you. It's the truth."
"What if I don't?"
"I'm in the clear, so I got nothing else to say."
I thought I'd immersed myself well in the role, but apparently, it was still miles from my usual self.
...That's why I'm no good at lying. It's too obvious.
"...I won't go blabbing about it anywhere."
"I said I don't care if you do."
"Kim Ga-eul."
"What's wrong with a brother looking after his sister?"
"Hey."
"What."
"...You gonna get mad for real, Noona?"
"I don't get why you're even mad."
"...Noona's not mad thinking you might've done something weird."
She downed her slightly cooled coffee and snapped at me.
...This is tough. Pretending nothing happened was already a lost cause. Inventing something out of thin air is way too hard.
"Noona, ask Gyeo-ul yourself. Why she does that."
"...What good would that do?"
"Something might change."
"What if she doesn't wanna change?"
"Fine? Should I just tell Aunt what you want?"
"Could you handle hearing it?"
"...What?"
"If you knew why she's sleeping in my room for real, could you handle it?"
"You... seriously..."
"If you knew why Gyeo-ul's in my bed, would you take responsibility?"
"..."
"Can you promise not to tell a soul after hearing it?"
"Kim Ga-eul."
"You think I want to say it? Fuck."
This sucks. Everything fucking sucks. I always knew it'd get exposed someday, and I'd agonized over how to handle it. But nothing goes my way. Nothing rolls out as planned.
Still, I couldn't drop the excuses. Giving up now would make the ending too predictable.
"...I don't wanna snap at you too, Noona."
"...Ga-eul-ah."
"Everything's just shit. Fucking shit. Fuck, I'm losing my mind. I don't know what to do... You think I wouldn't have refused?"
"..."
"...I didn't. Do anything weird."
"Kim Ga-eul."
"What am I supposed to do... She's got Suneung coming up. She's my sister. How do you tell her to stop, to give up?"
"..."
"...Just don't tell Mom. She'd worry."
Even now, it was all improvisation. Excuses, lies, made-up stories. I couldn't utter a single truth. That was our reality.
"...I never planned to tell anyway."
"...Yeah."
"Ga-eul-ah. ...Gyeo-ul's a senior in high school."
"I know."
"It's her most anxious time. Suneung's right around the corner."
"..."
"You're always by her side, right?"
"...Yeah."
"She can rely on you."
"She does."
"...You need to get your head straight."
"...I'm trying."
"Can Noona trust you?"
"...I'll make it work somehow."
"If Gyeo-ul's struggling, tell me. I'll help too."
"Sometimes... yeah, thanks."
"Sure. Chicken's getting cold. Eat up."
"...Should we wake Gyeo-ul?"
"Nah, let her sleep. I'll head out, Noona."
"Where to?"
"Friend's nearby. I can crash there."
"...Got it. See you, Noona."
She looked at us with pitying eyes—like we were sick patients or unfortunate neighbors—before vanishing out the door.
...Dodged the worst. A hollow laugh escaped me at how that was my first thought even in this mess.
I knew it. Unless we hide our feelings forever, it'd get out eventually. And no excuse would fully cover it.
They might see it as a cute childhood mistake. Pity us enough to help. But in the end, it's wrong—they'd say fix it.
"...Oppa."
"Yeah."
"...Unnie left?"
"...Yeah."
Gyeo-ul emerged from the room, done pretending to sleep.
...She probably heard everything. Sorry for pinning it all on you.
But what choice did I have? The moment I told the truth straight, it'd all be on me—and we couldn't stay together.
"...You okay?"
"No."
"..."
"Gyeo-ul-ah."
"Yeah."
"...Let's just be oppa and dongsaeng from now on."
This time, luck was on our side. She was understanding, tight-lipped adult, and I happened to think of a decent excuse right then.
But no guarantee next time. There are situations where excuses won't fly. We've dodged it a few times already—pure luck.
"...Oppa."
"I could die and come back, and I still couldn't marry."
I hate this. Hate doing this. But separating from Gyeo-ul? Even worse.
"I'm a selfish prick. Can't stand seeing you marry someone else."
More than anything, Gyeo-ul liking someone else more than me? I'd rather bite my tongue and die than see that.
"Let's just be oppa and dongsaeng. ...Live together as family forever. The three of us with Mom."
"..."
"...I'll hold back."
"...You can't. Oppa. Holding back."
"It's not that I can't. I just don't want to."
"...Sorry."
"You knew, didn't you? You did it on purpose so I couldn't."
"I didn't know it'd be this hard to hold back."
"...Don't do it anymore. If you don't tempt me, I won't either."
"...Okay."
It's not about whether I can endure. I have to. If I wanted to cross that line, I shouldn't have gotten caught. To stay even as siblings, this was it.
"Let's eat chicken. Still warm."
"Yeah."
"Cola... there's diet in the fridge if you want that."
"...I'll have the one Unnie brought."
"Call her later. Say you're feeling unstable lately and miss her."
"Lying to Unnie too feels kinda iffy..."
"You pretended to sleep earlier."
"I wasn't pretending. ...The vibe was too tense to come out."
"Really?"
"For real."
How long until this relationship crumbles?
...Will it even crumble? If we force ourselves apart physically, will our hearts follow? Feelings built up while we were already emotionally distant.
"...Gyeo-ul-ah."
"Yeah."
"Sorry."
"...Why all of a sudden?"
"Felt like I made you out to be the weird one."
"I'm not an idiot."
"Then praise me a bit? My head almost exploded making up that story."
My little sister, sitting beside me, pondered for a sec, then stroked my hair.
Felt like being treated like a kid, but it didn't feel bad. Sometimes, being doted on by my dongsaeng isn't so bad.
"...What do you think Unnie's thinking?"
"Probably that you're hopelessly in love with me one-sidedly?"
"What the hell."
"You said that to your friends. Tried imitating you."
"...Liar. You're one too, Oppa."
"No choice. If it's my fault, no room for excuses."
"...True."
"I'm the older one. ...It's usually my responsibility."
"Yeah."
"So let's make it your fault for now. Smooth it over like it never happened."
"..."
"...Let's live like that. As family."
I don't think this is the right answer. But with nothing left worth protecting, what choice do we have?
I'd half-expected this. ...That's why I wanted to pretend not to know.
While we were hugging, she didn't feel like a sister. I even thought it'd be nice if we weren't siblings.
So now, it was time to wake up from the dream.