16. Confession
As the excitement faded, self-loathing crashed over me like a tidal wave. You fucking idiot. Dumbass. All that smooth talk, and you lose it just because she touched your ear? What the hell is wrong with you, you moron?
It was past midnight, but sleep was nowhere in sight. Not that I could expect any. ...Fuck. This whole disaster was because I hadn't jerked off properly. Ever since that day, I'd been psychologically on edge, and it messed with my release. ...Anyway, point is, I wasn't in my right mind. So yesterday was just a mistake. I'm... not the kind of sick fuck who lusts after his own sister. Back then, it was just... she touched a sensitive spot. That's all.
I'd pounced on her like an animal, then avoided talking to Gyeo-ul all day. Avoided? More like couldn't. I couldn't even look her in the eye.
I'd somewhat sensed that Gyeo-ul had special feelings for me. But even if she harbored something like romantic affection, it was just fondness for a reliable big brother. Or maybe a mix-up because I was the only guy she knew well. I'd played the good oppa role because I liked that dynamic.
But I'd ruined it all. If I'd held back, things might have normalized eventually. ...Even if I didn't want that.
In the end, I lay awake all night staring at the ceiling. I even tried to take care of my urges, but failed. Every time I tried, all I could think of was Gyeo-ul. How the hell was I supposed to jerk off to that? I don't want to lust after my sister. That's not the relationship I want.
"...Son."
"...Oh, Mom."
...Already morning? I had to drive her to school too. Sleepiness wasn't the issue, though. With Gyeo-ul sitting next to me, no way I'd doze off. I'd be too awkward.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"...Kinda restless."
"Doing what?"
"...Just... happened."
"Did you fight with Gyeo-ul?"
"Huh?"
"You two barely talked at dinner yesterday."
"...We had a little spat."
"You're the big brother, so apologize if you can."
"...I'll handle it."
"Don't go back to being all distant like strangers. I'll scold you."
"...Won't happen."
I rubbed my eyes and got out of bed. As I poked at my fried eggs at the table, Gyeo-ul woke up and sat across from me. ...Dark circles under her eyes.
"...Hey."
"...Good morning, Oppa."
Mom watched us with pitying eyes. I couldn't lift my head at all.
We finished eating and I drove her to school without a word. Not even when she got out.
Back home, the tension snapped, and exhaustion hit me like a truck. ...Gonna collapse. I crashed onto the bed without changing and passed out.
"...Oppa."
"...Mm."
"...Hoo... O...ppa."
A breeze whispered in my ear, jolting me awake. What time was it? The clock said 5:30 already. ...She came alone?
"...Oppa."
"Ah... yeah."
"...Why didn't you pick up?"
"...Sorry, I was out cold."
I sat up, shaking off the daze, and there was Gyeo-ul in her school uniform, sitting on the bed. ...Should I apologize? What do I even say?
"...Oppa."
"Yeah."
"...Nothing you wanna say to me?"
"...Nope."
I had plenty to say, but I couldn't get it out. Anything would sound like an excuse.
"...For real?"
"Sorry I didn't pick you up."
"...Not that."
"...Yesterday too. Sorry."
"Sorry?"
"...Yesterday was just... a momentary lapse. I was off."
"..."
Her expression darkened even more after my apology. ...What now? Which choice leads to the right path? At least I knew lying wasn't it.
"...Oppa."
"Yeah."
"Like... do you ever..."
"..."
"...not see me as your sister?"
"No."
"Then what was yesterday?"
"...A mistake."
"You make that kind of mistake with your sister?"
"What about you?"
"...Me?"
"You bit me. My ear."
"...Ear?"
...Ah, seriously. Waking up to this mess. Her innocence made it worse. ...This is hard. For real.
"...Don't touch other people's ears carelessly."
"Why?"
Seeing her tilt her head like she had no clue pissed me off a little. Felt like I was suffering alone. I instinctively reached for her ear, but she flinched and dodged my hand.
"...?"
"Ah... s-sorry, Oppa."
"No, nothing to be sorry for..."
"...I thought... you only saw me as your sister."
"...I do."
"...But I realized maybe not, so I got... a little flustered."
She wasn't even hearing me. ...No surprise. Even I don't buy it. If I saw her only as a sister, I wouldn't have done that.
"...Gyeo-ul."
"Still... I kinda... feel it too. To some extent."
"...Listen to me for once?"
"Ah, yeah."
"...Look."
...Damn. My face burned. I didn't want to say it outright. But to fix this, patch things up without ruining us or betraying her... this was the only way. To stay close siblings, nothing else.
"...You're too precious to me."
"Wh-what?"
"Yesterday was just... I was out of it. My ears are sensitive."
"..."
"I've always said it... I don't want anything messing up our bond."
"...Yeah."
"There's stuff we can do and stuff we can't, between us."
"...Yeah."
"I wanna be with you forever."
"..."
Gyeo-ul's face turned beet red. Probably mine too. My voice was shaking. This was insane. First time feeling like this. Stomach churning. Heart pounding. Worse than Suneung. But I couldn't stop—I kept going.
"...Just as people, you're precious... Ah. Whew... So..."
My mouth was dry; I swallowed and took a deep breath, spilling my heart.
"...I want you to be my sister forever."
"...Oppa."
"I want you to call me Oppa, just me, forever."
"Eek..."
No hiding now. Truth is... I have special feelings for Gyeo-ul. I admit it. Anyone stuck in the military would. Calling every weekend? How not to fall? But it wasn't romance. Or lust. Just... my sister was fucking precious. The most in the world. I wanted to protect her forever. Never hand her over. Keep her as my sister eternally. Disgusting, ugly, selfish possessiveness. I knew it wasn't normal family love. Honestly, when she called our cousin "Yo-han Oppa," I got jealous. Didn't show it, though.
"...Is that a confession?"
"...Kinda."
"...Not something siblings say."
"...That's why siblings can say it."
"Normal siblings."
"...Not normal."
I knew I sounded crazy. Demanding this from my sister? Telling her not to date older guys. Not pushing younger ones, but "be my sister forever"? Revolting. If I were her, I'd punch my gut and tell Mom her oppa was nuts.
"...Oppa."
"...Don't call me. I'm mortified."
"Oppa."
"...I said don't."
"O...ppa."
Laughing or crying? Her trembling voice kept calling. I covered my face with both hands. No expression an oppa should show.
"...My life's over. Weakness exposed to my sister."
"...That's rich coming from you."
"What."
"You know all my weak spots already."
"...Huh?"
"You always poke them."
"...When did I."
"...Oppa, you're an idiot?"
She playfully reached for my ear, a bit annoyed. ...You get it, right, Gyeo-ul?
"...So, your answer."
"...Huh?"
"I confessed my life to you. Answer me. I'm dying here."
"...Confession, huh?"
"Even penance is a confession. Answer. Please."
"...Uh... well..."
Suddenly, she fidgeted with her nails. ...Hate it or love it, just say it quick. My heart was exploding.
"...Yeah. I like it."
"...Good. Thanks."
"But I have one request too."
"...What."
"...Call me by name forever. Just me."
"...What?"
"Call me Gyeo-ul, only you."
I dropped my hands and looked up. Her face in my view... Whew. My sister. Forever my little sister. Kim Gyeo-ul. Unchanging. Even if she begged to be released, no way. If she tried marrying, I'd crash the newlyweds' home and squat. Oppa ain't marrying, so why should she?
"...Less gross than mine."
"...Still calling mine gross."
"Yeah."
"...Keep it up, and I'll touch your ear."
"...Touch it here, and we're really in trouble."
"You won't be my oppa anymore?"
"...Gotta say it out loud?"
"Huh, really?"
"I can hold back forever, so don't tempt me. Pisses me off."
"...Okay."
She took my hand instead. Warm.
"...We're siblings first."
"Yeah."
"...We've been too close lately."
"...Yeah."
"Keep it... moderate."
"...Got it."
"Not suspiciously so."
"...How close is not suspicious?"
"...Dunno."
Cousin-brother-sister distance? ...But that's basically strangers. Never lived as normal siblings, so who knows.
"Anyway, if we're aboveboard, it's fine."
"Yeah."
"...At least to Mom, let's live openly."
"...Yeah."
I prayed this resolve wouldn't break. Our clasped hands still sweated.