Hyde Whips Parmas's Back #1
The Agarpe soldiers stormed into the torn citadel.
They could only stare in horror at the miserably collapsed walls, the rubble, and the corpses of soldiers scattered among the ruins.
"Rust—that man violated the earth itself and tore the citadel apart…"
"The Citadel of Sloth, impregnable for five hundred years, was ripped open by a man's hip thrusts?"
"Not just any hip thrusts. It's right there on page fifty-five of the Gwichukdo! The 'Demon Lord's Hip Thrusts'!"
"Everyone, be quiet!"
Psyche's sharp command silenced the soldiers at once. The recent pitched battle against the Blood Crusade had left her temper frayed and raw.
She was worried about her husband, Hyde.
When the solar eclipse struck—
Psyche's husband Hyde had vanished without a trace. Whether he had been swallowed by the earth or evaporated into the sky, no one could say.
After that, Rust appeared and the world plunged into chaos, and Hyde's whereabouts became even harder to track.
The Blood Crusade disbanded swiftly on Rust's orders. That man only showed up here to absorb the witches' forces.
Having achieved his goal, the cult leader Rust vanished as suddenly as he had come.
It was the technique of thoroughly crushing even the heart of the one he violated: Eat and Discard.
The problem was that Hyde's figure was nowhere to be seen among the rapidly dispersing ranks of the Blood Crusade.
"Hyde! If you're here, answer me!"
Psyche believed Hyde was still alive. In her mind, Hyde might be a little clumsy at times, but he was a more sincere and devout priest than anyone else—a man who walked with God.
That was why she never doubted that the Lord had lifted him up and protected him even in the midst of that chaos.
"Hyde! Are you here?!"
Psyche was convinced that during the eclipse, Hyde had somehow slipped into the Citadel of Sloth.
Hyde must have known a way to infiltrate the Citadel of Sloth. That's why he was so confident he could cross these walls and retake the fortress within three days. My husband is somewhere in here!
Psyche walked through the miserably shattered and torn citadel without losing her faith. But the situation inside was more horrific than she had imagined.
The soldiers of Sloth had either been crushed under the debris or fallen into the chasms that opened when the world itself split apart.
"That bastard Hyde—even if he really did sneak into the citadel, he probably got swept up in that earthquake just now and died, right?"
With a heavy scrape, Milione lifted a massive chunk of rubble. A human foot came into view, and for a moment she thought it might be Hyde—but it wasn't.
"Well, he's not the type to die that easily. That bastard's as tenacious as a weed that grows even in filthy muck. And just as bitter as chewing on one of those weeds and spitting it out."
It was while many people were patrolling the citadel with that sort of feeling that Psyche and Milione discovered something whimpering near a pile of collapsed debris.
Thinking it might be a surviving soldier, Psyche adjusted her grip on her weapon—then her expression bloomed bright as a flower.
"Hyde!"
"Psyche!"
"Hyde! You're alive! I knew it! I believed you would be! So you really had snuck into this citadel!"
Psyche ran forward and threw her arms around Hyde's body in a fierce embrace.
That alone made Hyde cry out in agony.
"Guaaaah!!!"
Crack, crunch—
Hyde's body was far too frail to withstand Psyche's hug. What felt like a light embrace to her must have felt to the weak Hyde like being crushed by a bear.
Watching the scene, Milione scowled.
"Psyche, you crazy bitch! What do you think you're doing hugging him that hard?! Don't you know your husband Hyde is as flimsy as foxtail grass…?! You husband-eating witch…! Get off him right now…!"
Even as she spoke, Milione pried Psyche and Hyde apart.
Psyche's face flushed red at once.
"Hyde, are you all right? I was just so happy I…!"
Hyde was gasping for breath. Fortunately, he didn't seem to have been seriously injured or to have strained any bones.
"Hyde, where on earth did you disappear to?! No—there are so many things I want to ask, but first I should give thanks to God that we could meet like this!"
With a soft rustle, Psyche made the sign of the cross and offered a prayer, her eyes shining wet and red.
Then the fat man lying on the floor spoke up.
"All right, all right, I get it—now get this wall off me! I'm gonna die like this! If you leave me here any longer I'll be flattened flat and dead! Save the greetings for later and get me out first!"
He was a man as fat as a bear preparing for winter hibernation. He wore a filthy golden beard grown out thick and bushy, and his hair was so dirty it was impossible to tell when he had last cut or washed it.
Yet even that hair and beard could not hide the grotesquely fat cheeks and forehead that were almost too ugly to look at with open eyes, and his nose was the size of another man's fist.
"Who the hell is this fatso…?!"
Milione's face twisted with disgust.
Then the bronze-badge priest Hyde, grunting as he tried to lift the pile of stones, answered.
"This is Lord Agiles, master of the citadel. The one known as Sloth of the Great Sin Seat."
"What? This pig-dog is Agiles…?!"
Milione loved reading. Until Rust's book was published to the world, the books she had loved most were those written about war.
Stories packed with who killed whom, who dueled whom, or who fought like dogs—tales that soothed her boredom.
Agiles of the Lightning had been the warrior whose exploits were written as the most astonishing of them all.
"This guy single-handedly brought down the Knights of Sorrow at the Battle of Arbodain? Took down the gold-badge knight Orlando in a single exchange? Don't lie to me!"
"Is the young lady perhaps a fan of mine? If it's stories from back then, I'll tell you as many as you like! So get this heavy rock off me! I'm really going to die! Hiii! Hiii!"
Milione could not hide her disappointment as she looked at the middle-aged man thrashing about like a fat dog.
Agiles the Knight of Lightning had been a dream and a hope to countless people.
An orphan who did not even know his own parents, yet a man who had received the kingdom's highest 'Platinum' medal through nothing but skill with the sword and raw personal might.
The foremost guardian knight of the Unizer royal house, victor of every tournament and joust, a man said to have received the coquettish glances of every noble lady with his handsome face—and that man was now—
"See? Rumors are never worth believing. The only two who ever surpassed their own rumors, in every sense of the word, are those two bastards."
The one whose reality far outstripped the rumors was, of course, Rust.
The rumors about him had seemed exaggerated, yet meeting him in person made those rumors feel tame and understated by comparison.
The same was true of the bronze-badge priest Hyde.
In Hyde's case, the real thing you meet face-to-face is even more of an idiot than the rumors.
Thinking that, Milione grabbed hold of the wall debris with her bare hands.
With a scrape, she lifted it lightly, revealing the fat belly and hideously swollen legs of the man who had been trapped beneath the citadel.
It was utterly repulsive.
I was half-expecting him to jump me the moment he was free.
"Aigo, I'm alive. Hoo—now help me up a bit. And grab my pants from over there while you're at it!"
The fat Agiles was a man who could not even stand up under his own power.
Psyche spoke to him.
"Former Platinum Knight Agiles. Current Great Sin Seat of Sloth. In the name of God and Pope Gregory, I place you under arrest!"
"I already knew the witches had seduced the citadel's soldiers into betrayal. So when the eclipse came, I was able to slip into the citadel by pretending to be part of the witches' horde."
Back in the Agarpe domain, I explained why I—bronze-badge priest Hyde—had been inside the Citadel of Sloth.
Abbess Midnar, who had been eyeing the snitches among the captured witches, let her eyes gleam.
"When we interrogated them properly, the witches did indeed say they had joined hands with the soldiers of Sloth to raise a rebellion. Whether it would have succeeded or not is another matter, but for an earthquake to strike at that very moment…"
With a soft rustle, Abbess Midnar crossed her arms and hummed thoughtfully.
Beside her, Lucy, who had been listening quietly, spoke up with eyes sparkling with interest.
"They say Rust caused the earthquake, right? That he violated the earth!"
"Lucy! You mustn't speak of such things so carelessly!"
At Midnar's scolding, Lucy ducked her head. Then she shot back without yielding, "I heard the soldiers talking about it!"
Indeed, the soldiers had been discussing the earthquake from the day before and Rust's 'land-claiming'.
"He moved his hips toward the ground and the earth went rumble-rumble!"
"Apparently he impregnated the land and something called Pluto was born from it."
I'm going to lose my mind.
I never thought I'd have to hear this insane rumor again.
Without even realizing it, I had gotten so worked up that I put on the mask and did something crazy.
But it was fine.
Rust's iron mask had been smashed to pieces and broken.
From now on, Rust would never appear in the world again!
Absolutely never!
Only the pure, sincere, and devout man of faith named Hyde would remain in this world.
Just as I was thinking that—
"This fat bastard is that Knight of Lightning, Agiles?"
"That's hilarious! Can this guy even see his own toes?"
The soldiers sneered as they looked at the Great Sin Seat of Sloth, who was locked up in a cage like a beast.
In truth, Sloth was so fat he could not even see his own toes.
"Is dinner ready yet? Bring me some food! Is this how the Agarpe domain treats its prisoners so shabbily? Call Count Doban! Bring him here!"
"Is the Count your friend or something?"
The soldiers now jabbed at the fat man's body with long poles. Every time the disgusting flesh jiggled where the poles stabbed it, the soldiers grimaced, and the Great Sin Seat of Sloth likewise let out ugly screams of "Stop it! Stop!"
Even the children of the Agarpe domain had gathered by now to stare at the captured Great Sin Seat.
"It's a pig!"
"Pig!"
Children are blunt by nature.
Sloth could not hold back and shouted.
"Get lost, you brats! Do you know who I am?! I am Agiles, Platinum Knight and guardian of the royal house!"
"Wahahaha—!"
The children finally could not hold it in and burst into peals of laughter. Among them was the gardener Paulo, who had once dreamed of becoming a knight.
"First that bastard Loras, and now even Agiles is like this? Knights really aren't worth trusting after all."
See? I've told you over and over.
Knights aren't worth trusting.
This public humiliation only ended after Psyche arrived at the open square of the Agarpe domain.
"Agiles, I'm taking you with me!"
"Ah—at last, someone who can hold a proper conversation."
Agiles was released from the cage. Now a crowd of people swarmed around him, washing him and dressing him in clean clothes—though nothing fit, so they simply draped a curtain around him.
The sight made him look rather like some eccentric Greek philosopher.
"Behold! The Platinum Knight passes by!"
"You crippled bastard!"
"Ptooey—."
Even inside the Agarpe family mansion he suffered great insults.
That was simply how it went for a captured Great Sin Seat.
If anything, this level of treatment was already quite respectful. The people of the Agarpe domain were relatively gentle, and both Count Doban and his daughter Psyche were people of excellent character.
Yet a sudden thought struck me.
What if I—Rust of the Great Sin Seat—were captured by these people?
—Hyde, so you were Rust all along! You're no longer my husband! Die!
Psyche would surely cut my head off with a single stroke.
That must never be allowed to happen!
Now we entered a banquet hall that had been prepared quite splendidly.
A long table stood beneath a chandelier glowing with candlelight.
"Sir Parmas."
Parmas was already seated at the table. When he saw me he gave a throat-clearing "Ahem—" and deliberately looked away.