352. Princess Cecilia - (2)
352. Princess Cecilia - (2)
***
"So. What is your reason for seeking me out in person like this?"
The princess's words as I heard them were neither warm nor cold. After giving me a single glance, she turned her gaze back to the water's surface.
The princess's manner as she did so... held countless emotions that an ordinary person could never understand.
"..."
As I looked at her, memories of the past gradually grew vivid.
Among them, the important ones.
The period when Cecilia changed most dramatically. The time when she was swept up in all sorts of worries and anguish was exactly now.
As the system proved, she clearly still trusted me even now, but this was the period when the immense weight she had come to bear beyond that endlessly dragged her into anguish.
Now, walking the path of conquest for continental unification. The one at the center of it, the one standing at the very top, was not me.
The princess had chosen the path I presented. The one who would hold the greatest power at its end was also the princess, and so the one who bore the burden was also the princess.
Perhaps that was only natural.
A single word spoken by Cecilia, a single small gesture, changed the fates of thousands—no, tens of thousands of people. As she anguished over it day by day, Cecilia gradually seemed to lose her emotions, and the time when she stopped smiling had surely been this very period.
She had followed my will, but she was renowned for her brilliance. There was no way she did not know what consequences would come crashing down from her decisions, how much blood she would have to see.
And so, now.
Looking at Cecilia as she posed her question to me, I could not easily open my mouth.
"..."
I had thought endlessly about what to say before meeting her, but the feeling of actually facing her like this was on a completely different level.
An emotion impossible to describe seemed to seize me belatedly.
In that period, I... had not fully perceived this world as reality. I had merely presented my opinions and my path forcefully.
The main story of Black Ark.
I did not think my actions back then had been wrong. I had believed the result waiting at the end would surely be right.
But had the me of that time... agonized and anguished even half as much as Cecilia, now sunken in worry like that?
No. Had I agonized and worried even half that much?
In making the enormous decision of continental unification, what consequences would come crashing down, how great an aftermath would have to be endured—
had I ever truly thought about it even once?
It took only a moment's thought to know. Rather, it was because it was now that I could think about it properly.
'No. I hadn't.'
Bearing all of that had been entirely Cecilia's share.
A woman holding the first rank in the imperial succession, a being with greater potential than anyone.
That was the weight she, who would one day become the empire's emperor, had to carry.
I had been the one to push my will forward, but the grand scheme of continental unification had proceeded under Cecilia's name, and the responsibility for it had fallen to her as well.
Because back then, I had naturally thought it was not something I had to bear.
I had considered it something Cecilia had to bear, and I had not thought deeply about it.
'The time when continental unification had not yet been fully achieved would be now.'
Even now, it was no exaggeration to say all the empire's power was concentrated on her. She held such overwhelming power, yet her character and behavior had not changed.
She had simply followed my opinions as I spoke, and she had devoted most of her time every day to handling what came afterward.
Back then, when I had been consumed with circling battlefields and killing people, she had looked beyond that.
She had tried somehow to suppress the infamy and foul rumors about me that grew day by day, and it was none other than the princess who had granted me all manner of conveniences.
Even granting me the title of Grand Duke to create a place for me had largely been for that reason.
But even so, the me of those days had not understood why the princess went so far to protect me, why she insisted on acting that way.
Because I had thought I would live alone anyway.
So no matter how much infamy piled up against me, it would make no real difference.
Back then, when even I had forgotten how much blood was on my hands.
No matter how great my infamy grew, no matter how exaggerated it became—what meaning could any of it have?
She had protected me and manufactured all sorts of achievements to praise me.
But my reputation could never have changed anyway.
She had tried so tirelessly.
Then, as I recalled the infamy of those days, a laugh slipped out before I knew it.
—The Silver-Haired Witch.
There had been no one even in the imperial palace who dared utter those words before me, but those I was about to kill had sometimes spoken them to my face.
Yes. For example, the rebels I had met in Phase 3.
Perhaps it was only natural that I heard such things.
The battlefields where countless bloody fights unfolded, the storms of blood sweeping across the continent—I had been singled out as the fundamental cause of all of it.
It was undeniable that I had caused rumors to spread that the princess, renowned for valuing people and for her brilliance, had gone mad with blood, and that I had driven storms of blood across the continent.
And I had not resisted any of it in the slightest.
The me of that time. It was no exaggeration to say I had been obsessed with clearing the main story of continental unification, and that I had moved solely for that purpose.
Within that, I had held a small dream.
Because I had thought that if I cleared the main story, I would be able to return to my original world.
No matter how much power I accumulated here, no matter how high a realm I reached. Even if I obtained equipment and savored momentary joy.
Even so, the place I would remain at the end was not this world called Black Ark.
Until then, I had thought I would return to my original world. So I had chosen isolation, refusing to get close to anyone.
Because I was someone who would have to leave anyway, someone who would ultimately have to part from them.
Yes. That was how it had been...
"..."
The surface of the lake in my view was so clear, yet somehow I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper.
But I had forgotten even my purpose of returning before achieving continental unification.
Even at the end, after completing the main story, no chance to return had ever been given.
But by then, I had not even wished for it.
I had not held even the smallest regret, not even a speck of lingering attachment.
I had simply repeated slaughter against monsters, and through that I had felt alive.
My reason for existing. I had found my worth in that, and felt happiness.
Because for me, who had chosen isolation, that had been the only happiness I could feel back then.
For the me of that time, when the whole world feared me, there had been nothing left but proving my strength.
"..."
As my thoughts gradually settled, the images of the past and even the original purpose I had forgotten all resurfaced.
I realized my musings had run deep in the process, but Cecilia did not press for an answer.
As I continued to give no reply at all, Cecilia was watching me with a gaze so clear it was almost transparent.
Was it my imagination that it felt as though she was waiting for my thoughts to settle... I could not tell.
But only now could I understand, even a little, what Cecilia must be feeling.
Why Cecilia had kept gazing at the lake's surface like that, lost alone in contemplation...
Now that I understood her feelings just a little, the words would not come even more.
In the strange feeling that I was only now seeing the world Cecilia had been looking at from the same perspective.
Now, confused about how to sort out these emotions I felt... as I looked back on my past in Black Ark.
What should I say to Cecilia now?
Regret, pity, lingering attachment... as countless other emotions kept surfacing, I bit down hard on my lips, feeling as though a deep sigh might escape.
Then. Cecilia, who had been looking at the lake, turned her head toward me. Slowly turning her head, Cecilia soon met my gaze without a word.
She gave me a look with her distinctive red eyes glinting as if sparkling, then smiled faintly.
"Rin, you seem most unusual today. I would not have thought you the sort to fall into contemplation..."
Opening her mouth as if it were wholly unexpected, she moved her lips again with eyes full of curiosity.
"So what thoughts are occupying you so?"
As if the figure lost alone in contemplation when I had first entered the annex had been a lie, Cecilia asked in a bright voice.
And I felt something contained in that voice.
Because I was here before her now.
That she had deliberately pretended to be bright, as if nothing was wrong. That Cecilia had been the one to speak to me all this time.
Only now did I keenly feel that even this had been an act of consideration.
Opening my lips, I struggled to keep my voice from trembling.
"I was merely thinking about the schedule ahead."
The words I finally spoke after such long deliberation were so pitiful that I even felt deflated, but looking at Cecilia, no proper answer came to mind.
"Thinking about the schedule, you say... A few days ago, Rin, I recall you said the schedule was smooth sailing. Has something changed?"
At the question tinged with small worry, I slowly shook my head.
"...I was thinking about the schedule after that."
Even as I answered, Cecilia's words let me know roughly when this was.
Before I had gone out to countless battlefields,
a few days after that time when I had spoken to her because her state seemed strange.
Back then, I had thought I could erase Cecilia's worries with confident words.
But my thinking had been wrong. The worry Cecilia had carried had been a completely different kind of worry.
"The schedule after that... Pfft. Truly, Rin. Should I say you are still very much yourself? No—seeing you think about what comes after, perhaps I should say it is unlike you."
At the princess's faint smile as she spoke, a bitter laugh escaped me before I even realized it.
She had been the one to speak to me first so warmly, and it was the princess who showed more interest in me during our conversation.
Even now, facing her while thinking it was different from the past... that had not changed.
Even though I had fallen into musings and failed to answer her for a long time, she had not minded in the least.
As I felt that her efforts to close the distance were the same even here... the deep smile on my face unconsciously turned more bitter.
I had forcibly turned away from that and rejected it.
Suddenly. I realized she was looking at me now.
"..."
Under the princess's gaze as she looked at me with a slightly surprised expression, I was seized by an overwhelmingly intense desire.
One question that I, driven half-mad by all these thoughts, wanted to resolve now.
But.
'Is it all right to ask now?'
It took only a moment's thought to feel the answer was no.
It was already too late, after all. Everything had already been set in motion.
But even so, I wanted to ask.
About what Cecilia's true feelings were.
"Your Highness. Do you... regret it?"
I did not bother to specify what she might regret. Brilliant as she was, she would know what I meant.
As I spoke and looked at Cecilia, I was momentarily overwhelmed.
"......"
Cecilia's atmosphere changed in an instant.
Her expression held a coldness beyond compare, and then her red eyes, carrying a killing intent as cold and piercing as a frost blade, were so startling that even I could not help but flinch when our gazes met.
Then, as my gaze unconsciously fell to Cecilia's faintly trembling hand, she clenched her own hand as if to hide it and shouted with force.
"Who on earth...! Who dares...! Who told you such nonsense!"