K-Kisses Are Not Alloooowed!
Today, Chuchu was noticeably more delighted than usual whenever I played with her.
That constant assault on my heart was a rare and precious spectacle, one I could capture her adorable antics on camera again and again.
"Nyaaat!"
"Here it is~"
"This time I'll catch it for sure!"
Every time I swept the feathered bell toy back and forth across the floor, Chuchu would hoist her rear high into the air, waiting for the perfect split second to pounce.
Her head swayed in sync while her little butt wiggled back and forth—it was just too cute.
Seriously, Chuchu's cuteness has blown past lethal levels. It could shatter the whole planet.
"There!"
"Got it? Chuchu, you're amazing."
"Heh. Don't underestimate this great self's reflexes."
As I rummaged through the toy box to see what we'd try next, a recent purchase caught my eye.
It was a mouse toy stuffed with catnip—the kind that supposedly drives cats absolutely crazy, so I'd bought it on a whim.
"Chuchu, I'm going to hide this mouse all over the living room. All you have to do is find them and hunt them down."
"Yes, ma'am! Watch this great self's hunting skills!"
"Close your eyes. When I say we're ready, that's when the hunt begins."
She nodded vigorously and squeezed her eyes shut. In the meantime, I hid all ten mouse toys around the living room and returned to my spot.
"Alright, the hunt begins now!"
"NYAAAT!"
She walks on two legs just fine the rest of the time, so why does she drop to all fours the moment there's a toy involved?
Her human body must be clumsier than her cat one was, but I guess instinct is simply beyond her control.
"Here!"
Whether it was her nose picking up the catnip scent or not, she tracked down the mice far faster than I expected.
They say toys that satisfy a cat's hunting instinct and boost exercise are great for them.
I'd bought all our toys with exactly that in mind, and once again, an excellent choice.
"Now where is it... it should be around here somewhere."
All I did was watch her butt wiggle around with a fond smile on my face.
According to what I read online, that wiggling is her way of warming up before a successful pounce.
"Mmmngh... here it is!"
"Chuchu, incredible. That's nine already. Only one left."
"Where'd that one run off to, you sneaky little rat bastard."
I do believe I just heard words that should never come out of my baby kitten's mouth.
"The rat bastard is... HERE!"
I'd hidden the last mouse on the very top of the living room's five-tier bookshelf, and she climbed up it without a moment's hesitation, snatching it clean in her mouth.
The problem was what came after.
"AAAH!"
Chuchu wobbled dangerously, losing her balance.
If this went on, it would end in a serious accident, and my body moved on pure instinct—I flung myself toward her.
"GYAAAH!"
"Whew... caught you."
"Y-you scared me... My body feels so different from when I was a cat, Butler."
"You'll just have to adjust little by little."
"Anyway, I caught all ten!"
"Great job. Our Chuchu's a fine hunter too."
"Heehee. That's because this great self is a genius!"
While I carried her in my arms back to the sofa, she never once let go of the last mouse she'd caught, holding it firmly in her mouth.
"It smells so good."
"That's because there's catnip inside."
She pulled it from her mouth and buried her nose deep into it, inhaling again and again.
"This thing... it's... *sniff sniff*... huaaaa..."
Wait. Why does this feel like a scene straight out of an adult crime film—the kind that could never appear in a peaceful everyday life like ours?
"Something... somethingaa... i-it's hitting meee..."
"Ch-Chuchu...?"
After sniffing at the catnip for ages, Chuchu flopped over on the sofa like she was completely wasted, swaying and woozy.
"N-Nyaaang... this stuff is the bessst..."
"Um... was catnip always this dangerous?"
"Heya, Butler~"
"Yes, Chuchu?"
"Give me moreeee..."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm going to have to cut you off. You've had enough."
"Don't ma'am meee!"
She flailed her legs wildly in the air, throwing a full-blown tantrum, and I pressed a palm to my forehead.
What on earth did she witness out on the streets that she could imitate a drunken wreck with such flawless accuracy?
"Serve the catnip at once, I command thee!"
"You've had far too much, ma'am. No more for you."
"Hmphnyaaang~ Feels so gooood~"
I'd heard the amount of catnip in a single mouse toy was actually pretty small.
But this was her first time smelling the stuff—no wonder she went completely off the rails.
"Chuchu, get up and drink some water."
"CATNIIIIIIP!"
"Unbelievable. Why did you suddenly become a drunkard?"
I figured a Churu might snap her back to her senses, so I was heading toward the kitchen.
"Huh?"
The moment I passed the dining table, something felt off—like something that belonged there had vanished.
"What was it? I'm sure there was something here a second ago."
"NYAAANG! Serve the catnip riiiight nooow!"
"Aigoo, what am I going to do with this hot mess."
I fetched a Churu from the drawer, snipped off the tip, and pressed down gently. The instant a bit of it peeked out, she sprang up and bit straight into it.
"Shluuurp! Shluuuurp! Mmmngh! Churu tastes amaaazing!"
Come to think of it, she doesn't usually meow this much.
"Butler."
"Yes, Chuchu."
"Either give me more catnip or more Churu, right meow!"
The only thing missing was a weapon—she was basically a stickup artist.
I let out an awkward laugh and decided to just leave her be until the high wore off, but that plump little tummy poking out kept catching my eye.
"What is this adorable belly?"
*Squish!*
"HNYAAAT!"
The moment I gave it a light press, she shot straight up, curled her body into a defensive ball, and glared at me in alarm.
I could swear there wasn't a trace of belly fat on her until recently?
"Don't touch it, nyang!"
"Chuchu, I think you've been eating a bit too many treats. I'll have to cut back on your snacks from now on."
"Nyat?! N-no way, nyang! Why are you cutting my treats, nyang!"
She dashed over with a face full of pure shock and grabbed my sleeve—so I shoved the catnip mouse right under her nose.
Her fierce uprising was utterly crushed by the scent of catnip.
"Hnyaaang... i-it's hitting meee..."
She staggered and crumpled back onto the sofa in a heap.
"Man, I really want to blow a raspberry right now."
If you gotta, you gotta.
"HNNNGH! BRRRRRRRR!"
I pushed up her pajama top and planted a loud raspberry on that soft little tummy—she jolted in shock and bolted.
"W-what was that for, nyang!"
"You made me want to blow a raspberry, Chuchu."
"I hate this, nyang!"
"Hate it all you want. Because you're my cat."
"AAAAH! RUN!"
"Where do you think you're going, Chuchu? Raspberry time."
"Nooooo!"
To be fair, I'm partly responsible for that adorable belly existing in the first place, so tormenting her like this may not be entirely righteous.
But come on. It's cute.
Just staring quietly at a tummy that cute and letting it go to waste would be a crime.
"Chuchu, get back here."
"NYAAAAT!"
*CRASH!*
"Aigoo? You're knocking over the trash can while you run now?"
She'd been fleeing with her eyes only forward, and when she kicked the kitchen trash can with all her might, it toppled over and spilled its contents everywhere.
"Chuchu, that's not okay. That makes you a bad cat. Come back here and help me clean up."
Naturally, Chuchu was busy keeping her distance and eyeing me warily from across the room.
"No raspberry... Huh? What's this?"
As I picked the trash back up, I found a shard of glass.
I hadn't broken any glass recently, and the pattern etched into the shard wasn't the least bit unfamiliar. In fact, it was very familiar.
"Where have I seen this before?"
When I examined the pile of trash more closely, I spotted other glass shards bearing the same pattern.
"Nyat! B-Butler! Come play with me, quick!"
The very same Chuchu who'd been fleeing from me moments ago suddenly came running and yanked on my arm.
It felt less like she wanted to play and more like a diversion tactic.
That flustered face and the sweat that had suddenly started pouring off her were extremely suspicious.
"Chuchu, hold on."
"N-no... why are you digging through a filthy trash can? Come play with me."
I ignored her tugging at my sleeve and took stock of what was still left in the trash can.
And what I found in there was a flower.
The moment I saw it, all those anonymous glass shards clicked together like puzzle pieces, forming one complete shape that surfaced vividly in my mind.
"...Chuchu."
"N-Nyat...?"
"You broke the flower vase, didn't you?"
"No, no! This great self knows nothing about that!"
The very cat who goes insane over treats claiming she's too full to eat, who said the tuna rice bowl was too precious to waste and asked to save it for later, who'd been clinging to me all day more than usual wanting to play—
All of it was a smokescreen to divert my attention.
"Chuchu, you—!"
"AAAAH! This great self knows nothing!"
"Knows nothing, my foot! The evidence is right there!"
"T-that's circumstantial evidence!"
Where on earth did she learn to say things like that?
"It's the smoking gun, actually?!"
"Wh-whatever! This great self knows nothing!"
Until a moment ago I'd been chasing her half in play, but now I was determined to catch this cat no matter what and hold her accountable.
"AAAAH! Butler, why are you so fast!"
"You thought I was a slowpoke turtle because I've been playing easy on you?"
Once again Chuchu flexed her spine like a contortionist and tried to slip out between my legs, so I bent down, grabbed her firmly with both hands, and lifted her up.
"WAAAAH!"
"Chuchu, you need to be punished."
"I-I really don't know anything!"
"You don't?"
"Really don't!"
"Then why are you running?"
"B-because you're chasing me!"
Carrying the thrashing, tantrum-throwing cat in my grip, I brought her over and sat her down on the floor. No—I made her kneel.
"Mnnn..."
"Hands up."
"Nyang..."
"Ahem! Straight up. You're being punished right now, Chuchu."
"I told you I don't know, so why are you punishing me? How many times do I have to say I don't know?"
"Tsk tsk, none of that sass, missy."
Her tail and ears drooped while her mouth pursed out like a pouting duck bill, and she never stopped grumbling for even a second.
"My knees hurt. My arms hurt."
"That's what punishment is."
"I really don't know..."
"She's still claiming ignorance to the end, huh?"
"I was just watching TV!"
Refusing to come clean even when the evidence had her as good as confessed—this cat is more stubborn than I gave her credit for.
"You really don't know?"
"How many times do I have to say I don't know!"
Oh? Now she's throwing a temper tantrum?
"So that's your story, huh. Fine, I believe you."
The moment I said it, relief washed over her face and she beamed—and an even more awkward laugh escaped me.
Simple. Simply. Too simple.
"Keep those hands up. If they come down, you're in real trouble."
"Mnn... why do I have to stay like this so long."
I left her serving out her sentence for a bit and went to my room to grab my lipstick.
In the meantime she tried to lower her arms, but the second she saw me coming back, they shot right back up.
"Well, well. I know just the way to open that stubborn little mouth of yours."
I twisted off the lipstick cap and glided it across my lips, and her eyes slowly began to widen.
"W-what... are you going to do...?"
"Effective immediately, Criminal Cat Chuchu is hereby sentenced to the Kiss Penalty."
"Nyang?! K-kiss penalty...?"
"I'll kiss you over and over until you tell the truth, so speak up whenever you're ready."
"N-no! I don't want kisses!"
"Then just tell the truth, you silly cat!"
Just as she made another desperate dash for it, I snatched her up in a tight hug and set her down on my lap.
"K-kisses are... not alloooowed!"