Chapter 109. The Way She Loves (1)
Chapter 109. The Way She Loves (1)
1
Lady Silver Lily stood in a midnight corridor.
Behind her stood an enormous mirror.
A full-length mirror.
Smooth and clean.
In the mirror where moonlight glided, only Lady Silver Lily's upright back was reflected. All the mirror had to reflect was a single point of moonlight and a single strand of hair, so Lady Silver Lily was like an island standing alone in a dark sea.
"You are silent."
"......."
"That is the face of someone troubled. Your expressions are vivid. They read well even at night. Just from your face, I can tell this is the [1st time]."
The 1st time?
My chest had been churning with unease since earlier. It still was. Why was Lady Silver Lily using such a familiar tone?
A sword cold and ruthless to everyone. The moon of House Ivansia.
There was no reason for her to be kind to me, the butler of Lady Golden Thread Plum.
There would be none.
"...I fell silent because I did not know what to say. If I have committed a rudeness, please forgive me. Young Duchess, is this... a dream? Have you appeared in the dream I am having?"
At my words, Lady Silver Lily's reaction was to make a very strange expression. The smile that formed at the corner of her lips somehow felt like a scar.
"An amusing question. Yes, your dream swallowed my life. I now understand that love is merely offering one's own life to someone's dream."
What did she mean?
"I become your dream, and you become my life, and this exchange of dream and life is what we call love."
What was she trying to say?
I truly did not know what it meant. There were many other things I did not know.
One of those things I did not know, Lady Silver Lily explained to me while wearing that scar-like smile.
"But you did not ask with such a romantic meaning, I am sure. I will answer seriously. If you are puzzled because you cannot see the servants, do not worry. I dismissed them all."
"Why......."
"And I warn you. Do not ever call me [Young Duchess] with those lips again."
Lady Silver Lily smiled.
"I will carve out your heart and kill you."
"......."
I could not understand.
Just now, Lady Silver Lily directed killing intent at me. Her words that she would kill me were absolutely not an empty threat. Nor were they bluster. If I called her 'Young Duchess' one more time, her rapier would surely pierce my heart.
That was how it would be.
'Why?'
Why was the killing intent Lady Silver Lily sent toward me not cold, but so very warm?
Could a declaration to kill someone be this comfortable?
"Come here."
Her voice called me like a beckoning hand. I could not refuse. As I approached Lady Silver Lily, she pointed at the full-length mirror.
"What do you see?"
"...I see you standing side by side with me."
"And?"
"The dark corridor... the moonlight barely reaches it. Except for you and me, almost nothing is visible. Everything is buried in darkness."
"And?"
The ducal lady asked. It was strange. She was demanding a different answer. As if there was still something I ought to see in the mirror. But what more could be reflected in the mirror?
"And what else do you see?"
"......."
"Do not hide it. Speak."
I decided to look into the mirror a little harder. I narrowed my brow and furrowed my eyebrows. But even so, what I saw was much the same.
'As expected, I can only see darkness. Unusually red eyes and.......'
That was the very moment. Zzing! A headache assaulted me.
Letters I could not understand flickered before my eyes.
+
■■: ■■■
■■■: ■■
■■ ■■: [■■], [■■■], [■■], [■■]
■■ ■■: ■■
■■ ■■■: [■seung], [yeon■], [■■■ ■■], [■■■], [■■■], [■■■■], [■■], [■■■ ■■■ ■ ■■ ■], [■■■■ ■■■■ ■], [■■ ■■■■ ■]
+
"Urp, hrrk......?"
Dry heaves surged up.
-Kim■ja ■■! Wa■ ■ ■■ ■ou!
[■■■■ dra■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■s!]
Reflexively, I wrapped my hands around my neck. The moment I did, my neck hurt, and I myself did not know why.
Since what I did not know could only be left as unknown, I thought of something else.
'Thank goodness my stomach is empty.'
Since I had not actually vomited. Vomiting in front of the legitimate daughter of House Ivansia—just imagining it was horrifying. I desperately swallowed my nausea.
Lady Silver Lily was calm.
"I asked what you see."
What a cold person.
A bitter taste spread on my tongue.
"Letters... I see strange letters. And voices... strange voices... I do not understand."
"Voices, you say."
Lady Silver Lily smiled very faintly at those words. This smile was more like a smile than the one from before.
"You are loved."
"What do you......."
"Tell me about the letters."
I simply stared blankly at her as she moved on to the next thing without any explanation. Her smile having long since dried, she repeated calmly, without any hint of pressing me.
"Did you not say you see strange letters? Tell me."
"...I cannot see them well. It is not that I see complete letters... all I can see are fragments... of letters......?"
"Recite even a single fragment."
"Seung... yeon....... Other than that, I cannot. Nothing."
"Hm."
Lady Silver Lily rested her chin on her hand.
For some reason, she was knitting her brows.
"I see. [Seung] is [teacher], and [yeon] is [lover]. That you left those at the very end is very like you. But teacher comes before lover? I understand it, but I do not like it."
"My lady, there have been far too many things I cannot understand since earlier. You said this is not a dream, but if so, what is it that you want from me?"
"I want you."
"I am sorry. I still do not understa......."
"What did you dream?"
Lady Silver Lily cut off my words simply.
'No matter that she is the legitimate daughter of House Ivansia.......'
'I am the one and only butler of Lady Golden Thread Plum.......'
'His Highness the Crown Prince favors the young lady, so this treatment.......'
Countless thoughts tangled in my head.
But none of them could make my heart ring. They only wavered like music that had lost its rhythm. They would soon crumble.
"I do not remember well. But in the dream......."
In the end, what gained voice from my lips was an answer obeying the ducal lady's question.
"In the dream."
"...You looked at me and shed tears."
Yes.
"I was tied to a chair... probably tied to a chair, my whole body. With something like rope. I could not tell why I was tied, but in a splendid room, only you were there, looking down at me."
Just before waking.
I had definitely seen such a sight.
"My heart ached. My chest... pierced by the blade you thrust. But it seemed that was not all. In the dream, I......."
"You?"
"...I remember that I felt terribly sorry toward you."
"I see."
Lady Silver Lily smiled again.
Just seeing that smile made me feel like I would cry, and my stomach churned.
"At least you know to be sorry. That is a relief."
"......."
"Do you know why you had such a dream?"
"No. I do not know. Not at all......."
"It is because that is the [trauma] I possess."
Trauma.
"I have never spoken of it before. My mother killed herself."
What?
My head went white from shock.
"It happened when I was too young, so I cannot know why she killed herself. The wife of a ducal house. The moon of Ivansia. For a person with such power and wealth to end her own life. I cannot know the reason, but I clearly remember the words my mother whispered when she called for me on her last night, and the sight of everyone hushing up her death and quietly cremating her."
This...
This was something I should not know. Something I should not hear. That such a tragic affair was hidden in House Ivansia. A devastating secret, too heavy even to use as a tool of political strife.
"However."
Lady Silver Lily looked at me.
"Even that memory is no longer my trauma."
"......."
"I heard His Highness the Crown Prince gave Golden Thread Plum a ring of blue coral today."
One step.
Lady Silver Lily came toward me.
"In my past life, I despaired over that. Or I raged. It would be fair to say I was envious, and jealous. All of it filled my heart. I took up the sword with a heart that cursed the world, and I pressed down on the heart reflected in the mirror myself."
There was no sound of footsteps.
Only then did I realize she was barefoot.
"But even that is no longer my trauma."
Press.
The lady's foot stepped on my shoe.
A light, insignificant weight bound one of my feet. I could have stepped back as much as I wanted, could have pulled free at any time, yet her half-weight held my entire body captive.
"The ten days that repeated like eternity."
The lady's hand drew near.
"The sight of my world stained with blood and perishing, the shapes of demons that mimicked my tongue and lips and spread mockery—all the things that once scarred my heart are no longer my trauma."
A thin hand.
"They have ceased to be."
My neck.
"From now on, the right to wound my heart belongs exclusively to you alone."
Her two hands lightly gripped my neck.
"Even if the one with the most vicious tongue in the world poured curses upon me for two days, it would be less than a single sigh you let slip without thinking."
From her little finger to her index finger. From her thinnest finger to her thickest, I felt every single pressure she applied to me.
"Even if the one bearing the most poisonous malice in the world beat me and whipped me, it would be less than a single sneer you cast at me. Even if there are countless people in this world who can kill my body, the only person who can wound and kill my soul is you alone."
My breath stopped.
"Therefore, my trauma has already been narrowed down to one thing."
My neck tightened.
"My la...dy......."
"You fool. I warned you clearly."
『If you leave a scar on my heart, I will kill you.』
"You have scarred me."
Warm killing intent.
Red eyes smiled.
"I have not broken a promise since I was four years old. Die."
"......."
"Die, and love me again."
I.
For some reason could not resist.
[You have died.]
And then.
[Reproducing the trauma of the enemy who killed you.]
[Penalty depth is medium.]
[It is the Hungry Ghost Realm.]
A dream within a dream unfolded.
* * *
I do not want to kill him.
Looking at the man before her, Raviel Ivansia thought, I don't want to lose him. Even Raviel herself found it laughable how possessive she was.
-My lady, think about it. If it is you, you will be able to recall exactly the same thing I have recalled. Because you are a regressor like me.
A dangerous man.
Raviel quickly realized what he was scheming. He was volunteering to fully immerse himself in the role of 'butler.' Then, if he regressed one day from the 'butler's point of view,' he would return to a time before she had offered her heart to the mirror.
He could overturn the game board itself.
'An ingenious thought.'
It would truly be a scheme that struck at the Tower's weak point.
'His face looks so gentle, yet what kind of mind produces such a stratagem?'
Feeling that the man she had come to love was not stupid felt good. Yes, it was a very good feeling. But even so, Raviel Ivansia opposed it.
-Gong-ja, it is dangerous.
The reason was clear.
-I will not remember you.
She, Raviel Ivansia, would not remember Kim Gong-ja.
Even if you returned to one day before and stopped her from driving the sword into the mirror, and thereby prevented the tragedy of the eternal ten days from repeating, if she could not remember you, it would mean nothing.
-I do not wish to live.
-I wish to live with you.
The days spent with you.
The fortnight's holiday you first granted me.
All those memories made up who she was now. If they disappeared, she could no longer be Raviel Ivansia.
Did the man before her eyes know? That even if he escaped the ten-day labyrinth in such a way, she would not be grateful at all.
-It's all right.
He probably did know.
-I'll definitely resolve it somehow.
Seeing how infuriatingly he said it.
-Please trust me.
-.......
Raviel Ivansia fell silent.
She was briefly paralyzed by the cruelty of those words. Trust him, he said. To trust a person without any reason. She regretted the self of a few days ago who had promised, belatedly, so belatedly, to trust you. But Raviel Ivansia was too desperate to remain sunk in paralysis and regret.
'I trust him.'
She trusted the man she loved. She trusted his competence. He was the man she had chosen. He was her person. Surely he would [somehow] persuade the Tower and succeed in regressing one day.
The real problem came after that.
'How do I reverse an immersion rate that has risen past 90%?'
If he succeeded in regressing one day, first of all, he certainly would not remember her. Even if he did remember, it would be nothing more than a vague feeling. It would be impossible for him to recall the days he had spent with her in detail.
'.......'
No.
'Wait.'
There was a way.
At the method she had thought of, Raviel groaned, and groaned once more. The assessment that all the poisons of the empire came from her heart flashed through her mind. It was not for long. She could not let it be for long.
Raviel Ivansia realized that she would carry out that method.
'I.'
And so Raviel Ivansia engraved upon her own heart the method she had thought of, the method she would carry out.
'I will kill this man.'
Trauma.
He had confessed nearly everything about himself to her. He had told her. His ability had a side effect: he could glimpse the memories of the one who killed him.
'If only I can make this moment my trauma.'
At the moment he was killed, he would glimpse [now].
Not her past, but this very moment she was thinking of now.
-.......
If so. If only that were possible.
-I can tell him again everything I want to say, the memories I want to give him, all of it.
-Through me, he will be able to remember once more.
-Yes.
Raviel was certain of success.
-Since I have become your first bastard, you will become my last bastard.
Gong-ja.
-Truly, I have ended up with a bad man as my lover.
Are you listening?
I am happy because you exist. I do not want to lose you. I do not want to let go of the time I spent with you.
You said, 'From today, I will keep a diary.' You said it to show me all of your days. Those words—were they a lie?
You said, 'I will learn music.' It was because you hoped I would greet a quiet evening while listening to your music. Was that wish truly a lie?
I want to see your days. I want to send off the evening with you. Your days will surely make me smile, and the evenings with you will be happy. I want my smile and your happiness to overlap.
I do not want to kill you.
I do not want to lose you.
-Are you all right?
-Yes... I'm still all right... more.
-You are asking for more kisses. How spoiled you are, my lover.
Look at me.
Look at yourself, with me.
You are a foolish person. Even naive. I wonder how you will live in this world with such naivety, but the wonder soon resolves itself—because, well, you must have died thousands of times.
There are many, many reasons to abandon naivety. There are few reasons to protect it. You, who do not abandon it despite the many reasons and protect it despite the few, I call pure.
I cherish your purity.
-Are you still all right?
-Raviel.......
Are you afraid that you will lose yourself? Are you scared?
-I love you. I love you, Raviel.......
-I know.
It is all right.
-Even if I am born again, I will love you.......
I am here.
Just as I trust you, trust me too.
Lean on me.
-So, make it so I can never forget you. So that even if I die, I can never forget you.......
-I know.
You alone cannot protect yourself.
I alone cannot protect the world.
But you and I, the two of us, can do anything.
I am afraid too. I am afraid of killing you.
Approaching you even knowing it will scar me—that is terribly frightening.
But my fear is no obstacle to being with you.
Look.
-...Good heavens.
At last, you, who have sunk into the role of the butler, say to me.
-Young Duchess.
A pang.
My chest aches. It hurts.
It hurts that you call me [Young Duchess] instead of [my lady].
-Surely you have not kidnapped me just now?
A face of disbelief. The way you look at me with a suspicious face—it hurts. The way you react as if seeing me for the first time in your life is agony.
-This is excessive. No matter that House Ivansia's power covers the heavens, this is excessive. Do you hate Lady Golden Thread Plum so much that you would threaten me, her servant?
Listen.
This is the wound you have left me.
-Gong-ja.
Do not forget.
-...Who are you looking for?
Never. Do not forget, even in death.
-My lover.
The man who offered his heart to me.
-The man to whom I will offer my heart.
You are here.
In my heart.
-Go now.
-.......
-I will be waiting for you.
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Gong-ja.
I love you.