Your Idol
When the stage began, Nacchan was wearing a costume I had never seen.
It wasn't Seven Stars, the outfit she had worn since her debut stream, and it wasn't Night of the Star Cluster, the one released for her birthday. This was the opposite of that night sky: a pure-white dress and black stockings, a platinum-blonde star ornament pinned near her chest, and a thin red cord wound around her waist.
Even if the night is dark, the stars are shining.
"...She's incredible."
The words slipped out before I knew I was saying them.
Up on that radiant stage, dancing and singing in a costume no one had seen, she was the idol she had always said she was. To me, the sight was almost too bright to look at.
So don't hesitate. Step forward.
Just like the lyrics, there was no hesitation in the way Nacchan moved. I didn't need anyone to tell me why. Unlike me, who hadn't even tried, she had piled effort upon effort without end, and she trusted that effort.
No matter how hard it gets, even if you want to fall—in the end, that too will pass.
It was a shining stage in every sense of the word. Dazzling lights and a superb band locked together into a performance I couldn't look away from. And there was no need to say who, inside all of that, shone the brightest.
But if it hurts so much you can't get back up alone, I'll reach my hand out to you.
The highlight passed. The band, which had been driving a fast, heart-pounding rhythm, slowly gentled, and you could feel the end drawing near. Then a host of lights snapped onto Nacchan all at once.
Because I am your idol.
With that line, the first stage came to an end.
Just as the lyrics had said, Nacchan was reaching her hand this way. Hand outstretched, smiling with everything she had—
—and unlike me, alone in a dark room, she was simply far too bright.
"I don't... want to..."
I wanted to close my eyes.
Next, Nacchan performed Milky Way, the title track of her first album, The Summer Triangle, released on June 30 for her birthday.
The screen cut to black. Then it slowly brightened again, laying light over a stage gone quiet.
Yaaah! It's finally our first anniversary! How's everyone doing?! Having fun?!
And so the MC segment began, with Nacchan still smiling as brightly as ever.
I'm reading the whole chat, so don't worry—say everything you want to say!
Yaah, of course, right? I mean, come on—I'm an idol. Everyone's idol!
Nacchan clapped, bright and crisp. That ease belonged only to someone who had worked for her dream.
Ahem. Anyway, how was the first song? It's a new one—first time we're showing it, at today's live.
Hehe. I'm really glad you all liked it. I wanted the very first time I sang this to be the anniversary live. Oh, a PV? The PV goes up today after the live, at 9:30!
Her breathing was a little rough, but the voice itself was bright, as if she weren't tired at all. Watching her talk about this and that in that voice, I left a chat without thinking.
It wasn't the Kaino Izumi account, of course. Whenever I watched someone else's stream, I always used my personal one. And with chat pouring past at that speed, it never even occurred to me that Nacchan might see it.
"...What am I doing?"
Just go to sleep. I'd watched this far. That ought to count as keeping the promise. Once I calm down, I'll watch the rest. I will.
Making excuses to myself, I moved to take the headphones off.
But.
...Aren't you tired? Mmm. I actually wanted to talk about that a little today.
As if by fate, Nacchan seemed to have read that chat.
Right now, I am exhausted. I'm sweating like crazy, and I can barely breathe! But!
Nacchan drew a slow, deliberate breath, and then she said it.
The high, bright voice she had been using dropped, in an instant, into something low and serious.
"H-having... fun...?"
My head went white. Alone in my room, I asked it back at her.
Did you know? My body is seriously, seriously weak. When I was little, I couldn't even last thirty minutes out in the sun. The only reason I can dance and sing like this is because I joined Stars Flow and worked hard at training and lessons.
And then, out of nowhere, a confession about her past.
Chat couldn't seem to follow her, and all it could do was blink in confusion.
Yeah, it's true! Super-frail me happened to see an idol video on Ontube, and that's how I got a dream, you know? But people told me that if my body was this weak, I'd never survive an idol's brutal day-to-day. I still didn't want to give up. The idols I'd seen were people who lit the stage with a bright smile, even when it hurt.
Nacchan didn't care in the slightest. She just kept going.
And then I found out about this industry called virtual Ontubers. You barely have to go outside. You can do almost everything indoors. So maybe even someone like me could work as an idol? Thinking that, I marched straight over to Stars Flow—they were recruiting then—and applied on pure impulse. But no matter how much of the work happens inside, a weak body is never a plus for a company. Worse, I spent practically my whole childhood in hospitals, so I didn't know the first thing about the world. I almost got rejected, you know?
Even when we decided to take Nanase-san, opinions were split like crazy.
That was something I had heard from Mom. I was sure of it.
But in the end, I'm standing here. There were plenty of hard days, and I got cursed out a lot. Even so—being able to sing and dance in front of you like this, having made my dream real—I'm seriously, seriously happy.
It was true that Nacchan's early streams had taken a beating. No sense for broadcasting. No common sense. She doesn't know how society works. You think everyone will like you just because you nod along? This is the company's first VTuber, and she's definitely going to flop. Things like that.
The malice poured over her had been so enormous that the criticism I'd taken in the past week looked like nothing beside it.
So the new song I showed on the first stage today... mm. I don't know if I should be this honest, but I sang it for my juniors.
"...Huh?"
If you work as a VTuber, you're going to go through a lot of hard things. There'll be times you hear awful words when you didn't do anything wrong. You're going to get tired.
But, Nacchan went on.
Even so, don't give up. Even on a night that feels like nothing but dark, there are stars that shine, and in the end everything comes to a close. Well—if you know all that and it still hurts so much you want to quit, then look at me. Honestly, I had it worse than any of you can compare, and I'm still here smiling, aren't I? Hehe.
Right? I'm a frail, pretty-girl idol, and it was sooo hard!
Something I couldn't put into words rose in my chest.
Dark thoughts don't disappear just because you want them to. Once they start, the best thing is to shake them off as fast as you can. But that is never easy, and usually you need a trigger.
And for the person I used to be, that trigger was you.
My third year of middle school.
I had no friends, and that homeroom teacher of mine was raising hell about correcting my personality. Mom was away on business nearly every day—there were more days she wasn't home than days she was—and things with my sister felt a little awkward back then.
I think that was the hardest stretch after my past-life memories came back.
Games weren't fun. My interest in drawing was starting to slip. Ontube and anime were boring.
A vicious cycle: the helplessness that came from stress only made more stress. In those days I would come home, sit in front of the computer doing nothing, let the hours drain away, and only then crawl into bed.
And then, one day.
I saw a broadcast on Ontube with those words set as its waiting screen, and I clicked it as if something had taken hold of me.
That streamer. No—that VTuber's name was Natsune Nanase.
At first, I liked the way she looked.
But looks only held me for a moment.
The more I watched your streams, the more you truly became my idol.
You met the viewers' nastiest pranks with kindness, and even when a Calamity left you hurting, you could still smile wide open. You were, without question, everything I longed to be.
I wanted to be like you. That was how I managed to get back up.
I was able to decide I would enter an elite private high school—one of the ones with a brutal deviation score—and start over.
...Well. That second part ended in failure.
Still, over break I happened to run into Tateyama-san, and we managed something like a real conversation. And now I even have a friend. Koga-san.
All of it is because you were there. Because Nacchan was there.
Someone looking in might say I got far too lost in a mere internet stream. They might laugh and tell me there was no way something so small could pull a person through.
But a trigger for shaking off dark thoughts doesn't have to be more than a small thing.
Everything starts from one small thing.
"...Yes."
At some point I was nodding, tears running down my face.
Of course there was no way Nacchan could hear me. Even so, I had the strange feeling that she had.
Because Nacchan is my idol.
Yaah, it's a happy day and I went and told a heavy story for way too long! Sorry, everyone!
Aaah, you got me! Then shall we go straight into the next song? Everyone ready?!
Chat caught fire, in the good way.
Everyone was cheering for her, and of course I was in there with them—swallowing the wish that someday I, too, would stand on that stage beside Nacchan.
Here we go! This song is Stardust!
I quietly took the dazzling sight into my eyes.
All right, everyone, bye! See you next time! Thank you, all of you! I love you!
With those words, Nacchan's first-anniversary live came to an end.
"Haa..."
People's malice is still frightening. But I'm not going to just sit here, frozen, anymore. My idol is out in front of me, shining for my sake.
Even if I'm scared, I'll move forward now.
"...First, I should contact Koga-san, shouldn't I?"
I wanted to thank Koga-san, who had sensed something of what I was going through and worried about me. I also needed to apologize for breaking too many promises.
I sent her a Misscode DM with all of that packed into it, then played Nacchan's live back one more time.
And one hour later—
"You idiot! Don't scare people like that!"
"H-huh? Wh-what? I-I just... I w-wanted to say th-thank you..."
"Who sends a thank-you like this?!"
For some reason, Koga-san—who had shown up in the middle of the night—gave me a thorough scolding.
"...Why?"